Thursday, February 2, 2017

Action Comics #969

Superman looks like Ma Kent just kicked him out of the kitchen after catching him trying to steal some brownies.

• Last issue, Lex Luthor was kidnapped by aliens because they need to put him on trial for future crimes. I'm not sure what kind of a trial that would be. The prosecution would be all, "He's going to destroy a planet in the future." And the judge would be all, "Defendant, how do you plead?" And the defendant would be all, "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!"

• I just posted this on Facebook: "People find it insulting when I think they're dumb because they don't think Trump is dumb. What I find insulting is that people don't think, "Tess is so smart, maybe I should consider what he's saying. Maybe I am dumb!" Stop being so insulting to me!" I wonder how many family members won't realize I'm joking. I mean, sort of joking. They really should listen to me!

• I didn't say "how many friends won't realize I'm joking" because I'm only friends with smart people. And since they're smart, they share my opinions. It's not that I choose my friends because they echo the things I think. It's just that the things I think are the correct things to think which smart people think up. So if I'm friends with other smart people, they think up the same things I think up! I'm not friends with dumb people because how can you relate to them? I don't see people of average intelligence hanging out with people with intellectual disabilities. So why would I hang out with people of average intelligence?! It's pretty much the same thing. Besides, I usually wind up straining an eyeball due to all of the times I have to roll my eyes when they talk.

• I've been told people are put off when I admit to being super smart. Also when I quote myself. But I can't not quote myself! Who else is going to quote me if not me? Most people are too busy quoting Garfield and Marmaduke comic strips. They don't have time to read my quotes and then reread my quotes and then look up some of the longer words in the dictionary and then Google for an online dictionary when they can't find the word in the Urban Dictionary and then ask their smarter friends what the quote means before they memorize the quote and then use it completely out of context because they didn't understand their smarter friend's explanation and felt too stupid to ask for clarification!

• I don't mind if people are put off by my approach to life. Sometimes I find it funny to write like an idiot and sometimes I find it funny to write as if I'm the smartest person in the room (I'm alone right now with my cat so I'm fairly certain I'm the smartest person here (as long as you define "person" as "not a cat")). If other people don't find it funny and instead feel miffed that I'd brag about my smartitude, that's their problem with their own stupidity and lack of self-confidence. I'm not responsible for their confidence! I can only be responsible for mine! And I've been polishing that shit for over forty years now! It shines brighter than the sun, motherfuckers!

• Some people don't like it when I swear either. But I usually just tell my mom to fuck off and stop reading my private journals.

This is every scared idiot in America right now. "But if closing the borders will save lives (even though there's no evidence that people in the countries banned from entering are any kind of threat, historically or from intelligence briefings), we should totally throw the whole spirit of America into the fucking toilet!"

• This is the current "I can't think for myself but I heard this analogy somewhere" argument for closing our borders: "We lock our doors for a reason! Why don't we do the same for our borders!" But what that analogy is really saying is, "I look through my peephole when somebody knocks at the door and if they're brown, I don't fucking open that shit!" These are all the same people who don't feel safe without a gun. So they care about their own safety but for some reason they're completely deaf to any terrorist attack committed by a white male citizen of the United States. There's a term for these kinds of people but they really hate to hear it: racists. There's a reason nobody's talking about a wall on our Canadian border or stopping immigration from English speaking nations.

Lex here is currently me on Facebook arguing with conservative family members.

• Some of you might be thinking, "Ha ha! You (who is Lex) are getting your face smashed into a wall!" But he's still insulting their intelligence and they totally know he's right! That's the best way to get under somebody's skin. No matter what they do to you, emotionally or physically, just keep pointing out how dumb they are and they fucking can't take it. Mostly because dumb people will shout to the rafters how they're not dumb but inside they can't shake the knowledge that it's true. They really are as dumb as everybody knows they are.

• Lex thinks by denying that he'll destroy a world in the future, L'call the Godslayer will see the error of his ways and reasonably let Lex go. But Lex doesn't take into account that the guy calls himself a "godslayer." He not only believes in gods but he also believes he lays them. Or he is composed of a layer of gods? I don't know. His name is confusing. The point is that he believes in gods so he's not going to be swayed by a rational argument like "I didn't do that thing that I will do in the future!"

• Instead of killing Lex immediately, L'call decides to tell him the story about how he came to learn about Lex Luthor. That might seem like it's a standard part of the trial but according to some minor characters seen previously, L'call usually kills the Future Criminal before coming back to his home planet. Once again, the "bad" guy gives the "good" guy a chance to escape by actually being more restrained than the "good" guys usually are.

• You have to wonder how the main cast of The Walking Dead are the good guys when they murder people instantly and indiscriminately in order to survive. But killing quickly isn't the main reason they've all survived so long. The main reason is because the "bad" guys never kill them instantly! The "bad" guys always leave the "good" guys alive long enough to figure out a way to kill the "bad" guys. It really makes you wonder if we, the audience, haven't been tricked into rooting for the wrong group of survivors!

• L'call's story amounts to "Darkseid died so I was going to quit but then I heard that you were going to be the new Darkseid and I came out of retirement for one last mission." But since Lex Luthor isn't quite dead, L'call might be having second thoughts about the whole leaving retirement thing. Or he's just making the usual "bad" guy mistake and being reasonable and patient right up until he's dead.

• Meanwhile on Earth, Superman decides to visit Geneticron in its new location in the middle of the jungle. Not the most convenient location. Or most logical. I'm sure there's a good reason for the building having been plucked out of Metropolis and deposited in the jungle. I just don't think Dan Jurgens has figured out what that reason is yet.

Oh look! Dan just figured it out! It doesn't make any sense but at least he tried to explain it.

• Superman finds a portal back to L'call's homeworld inside Geneticron. Superman's supposition that L'call moved the building so that Superman wouldn't connect the dots relies pretty heavily on the idea that L'call knew about Superman. It also seems weird that L'call needed a portal to Earth with controls that opened the portal on the Earth side when he seemed to easily transport Lex back to his homeworld while in Metropolis (otherwise Superman could have followed him rather than relying on this whole "energy signature" thing). Superman also makes sure to point out that there are still parts of this mystery that he doesn't understand so that the reader can think, "Yeah, I'm right there with you Superman! This makes no sense at all!"

• It might all be nonsense but it allows Superman a way to travel to L'call's home to save Lex Luthor. I guess that's the most important part and I shouldn't look too closely at all of the other parts, like what ties Geneticron has to L'call or why L'call's portal home was inside the same kind of stasis shell that held Doomsday or why employees of Geneticron aren't flooding the Daily Planet with calls about how their place of employment simply disappeared.

The Ranking!
No change. Superman is actually going off-world to do some superhero stuff! Now when I read another comic book that points out the Justice League is off-world, I can remember this comic book and think, "Yeah! Superman does leave the planet sometimes! And nobody wants a Justice League without Superman coming to their rescue so saying that the Justice League is off-world when just Superman is makes sense. Who wants to call for the Justice League's help and wind up with Aquaman and Simon Baz?

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