Sunday, February 19, 2017

Justice League #15

Well, it's got to end sometime, I suppose.

• Bryan Hitch is still writing this book so it should be a rollicking good time if you like mocking artists just trying to earn a living by writing. Incidentally, I do!

• For once, the story begins in the present. Although I suppose they always begin in the present and then on the second or third page, the narrator says something like "24 hours earlier!" As I typed that, I read it in an old-timey voice.

• In the present and not the past at all because I'm certain that Bryan Hitch is actually starting a story at the beginning for once, the Infinity Corporation building is traveling around the world. It's picked up Superman and Batman just as the rest of the world begins turning into a blank page. I bet Bryan Hitch got the idea for this story when he was the artist. He would probably sit at his drawing desk putting the endless details on the outside of a building and think, "I wish this story were about the end of the world where everything disappeared! Then I could just draw panel after panel of stark white pages!" Now that he realizes coming up with good conflicts for the Justice League isn't as easy as he thought it would be (except when he borrowed from his past ideas), he's decided to resurrect his drawing fantasy.

• Hitch's Justice League of America story didn't fit into the continuity at the time but apparently it still happened which is why the Infinity Corporation is back.

• I fucking hate comic books. Six pages in and suddenly, "Yesterday." Eat the ass buffet, Bryan Hitch.

• So anyway, yesterday, the Justice League (minus the most important members, Superman and Batman) were visiting the United Nations when disaster struck! Dozens of bald men in black armor with large guns crashed through the wall, probably up to no good. Which is why I called it a disaster. I suppose this could be a surprise party for somebody.

• After the bald men crash through the wall, the Justice League find themselves cast through space and time. Aquaman winds up with some Arion looking jerks who demand he answer to the Throne of Atlantis. Wonder Woman winds up at the feet of Cronus as he eats his children while Zeus and Rhea hide nearby.

• After they disappear, they're also still at the United Nations battling the bald men. I guess they'll have some missing time and memories when the fight is over. A woman who alerted them to the bald men just seconds before they would have discovered the bald men for themselves calls the bald men the Timeless. Somewhere I heard they're attempting to run the universe out of time.

• The woman is apparently a time traveler trying to save the universe. So that's another strike against Bryan Hitch's writing ability. Using time travel or prophecy as a means to motivate your characters is lazy and a crutch. It allows the writer to forgo writing an actual story that unfolds before the reader's eyes. Instead, the hero learns why the future is terrible and suddenly takes action to stop that future from happening. Besides, most people are terrible at writing time travel stories. They always muck up the cohesion of the timeline by breaking their own rules established in the story. For instance, any time traveler who travels back in time from a horrible future to change the past will erase the horrible future thus making it unnecessary for them to travel through time. The only way this works is if the timeline skews into a new timeline the moment the time traveler arrives in the past. This means the original timeline still exists exactly as is which makes the time traveler's success a moot point. Sure, she can alter the future of the new timeline but the old time still exists and is exactly as bad as she left it but now nobody has to listen to her rant and rave about going back in time to fix everything. They can all just die in peace.

Okay, maybe she's not a time traveler. But she definitely knows what's going on in the future. So she's some kind of time something or other. Probably a Time Witch.

• Superman and Batman learn from the Infinity Corporation that something is rewriting time. You know, the way that sometimes happens. Usually it only happens when an idiot believes a thing they think they remember even when the proof that they're remembering it wrong is right in front of them, like that book with the incestuous bear family and that movie with the African-American Djinni. But in the DC Universe, when something changes in the past, things are rewritten slowly enough that people with a time traveling office building can pick up some hitchhikers and try to set history right once more. Although what is right, really? If the Infinity Corporation hadn't picked up Superman and Batman, they'd be fine! It would just be slightly different versions of them in the new reality. Which might be the better reality. Or maybe the real reality! If time can be changed so easily, whose to say this change wasn't setting it back to the factory settings?

This is how philosophy can be misused by idiots. He's got the whole concept backwards. It's not "The future is malleable so the past must be too!" Because that's fucking nonsense. It's "If the past is immutable, why would you think the future was? Boom! Free will is an illusion!" It's so obvious. Once you make a choice and the present becomes the past, it can't be changed. So why would you think you ever had a real choice anyway? Fate, motherfuckers!

• Also, the guy's ability to philosophize is terrible if he's saying things like "You think somebody ten years in the future reading about you fixes your choices?" Of course that doesn't work! Because the future isn't happening simultaneously with the present, dum-dum! I mean, I suppose it could be. Without our ability to observe it, all history would just happen in the blink of an eye. Our observation slows it down. So why can't it all have happened spontaneously and immediately. That's why some beings are omniscient, like dolphins and gerbils.

• During the United Nations fight, Cyborg winds up in 31st century Metropolis beside Brainiac 5. I guess they're all surprised by this happening because The Flash quickly distributed all of the bracelets which kept them from being obliterated by the Timeless.

• The Green Lanterns wind up in the 26th Century where Washington, DC, has been devastated. It's probably been that way for five hundred years now.

• The Flash winds up in Central City on the day he received his powers. Apparently they've all time traveled to different points in time where the Timeless have set up "temporal nukes." See? It's easy to get your heroes on the mission when you have somebody from the future saying, "This is what is happening and here is the problem and now off you go to solve it!"

• Molly the Keeper explains that if these bombs go off, the fans will be super fucking pissed again. A whole new DC Universe! This time it won't be Wally and Steph and Cassie who disappear forever. This time, it'll be all the superheroes. Which would make for a really boring DC Universe. I'm not sure even I would keep reading any comic books telling stories from it.

I wish every time somebody said this in a time travel movie, they'd get punched in their stupid face.

• From this moment on, whenever anybody asks me, "Where are we?" or "Where am I?", I'm going to reply, "When might be a better question!"

• Batman and Superman wind up in a time when Earth has built a bunch of scaffolding around the planet. Hopefully somebody will tell them that they have a temporal nuke to disarm.

The Ranking!
No change! If I wasn't being so lazy and not wanting to change the sidebar, I'd probably drop this a ranking just for being another terrible "The present is changing because of time travel shenanigans that must be corrected!" bullshit story. I mean, isn't it lucky that Molly the Keeper appeared to help everybody save the current timeline! Without her intervention, time would have just changed and nobody would have been the wiser. Readers probably would have been confused though if they picked up What's the Justice League? #15 about a bunch of people who don't remember the Justice League and never mention them at all in whatever boring tale of mundane life Bryan Hitch decided to tell. Probably a story about an artist who is trying to finish the facade of a building with a ton of tiny details on it but he has to pee really fucking badly. Does he finish before he goes? Does he go before he finishes? Does he make a huge mistake in one of several possible scenarios?!

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