Wednesday, February 1, 2017

Wacky Raceland #6

Coming soon to an America near you!

• I grew up in the late 70s and early 80s when the Cold War with Russia was really heating up. At the time, I thought the Russians were the scary country with a finger poised over the launch button. Little did I know how much Reagan and his people were egging them on, poking at them, aggravating them, and just generally daring them to do something stupid. For people who like a little more truth in their history, just know this: the world almost certainly survived those times because Gorbachev was a patient man who understood just how close far the world was teetering on the brink and he refused to play Reagan's games. For a lot of you, you're probably thinking, "Bullshit. The Russians were crazy and Reagan handled them deftly." Go ahead and continue to think that rather than reading historical accounts of the time. That's fine with me. But also realize that right now, it's even more obvious that Donald Trump is making the world a more dangerous place. Not because of a conflict with Russia, obviously! He loves Putin. But he certainly has no understanding of diplomacy and consequences. He is a man who thinks he can punish anybody who does him wrong, or goes against his wishes, or just points out he has tiny hands and the worst comb-over. The fucked up, selfish Republicans think they're having a surprise Quinceañera and America is the piñata. They're going to whack it until it falls apart and then fight each other for all of the succulent candy that falls out.

• How does this relate to this comic book? Well, it is about a post-apocalyptic landscape, isn't it?!

• The Wacky Racers have recently discovered the Butcher Shop, a place behind the origins of nearly each and every one of them and their cars. They also discovered that Pat Pending has access to the facility which makes them all angry. Pat Pending has recently discovered that his underwear can hold about half a pound of human feces.

• Pending has another surprise for the Wacky Racers, one he hopes will keep them from killing him and then desecrating his corpse by doing things that, if I described them, would get me scolded by rational and well-behaved Internet citizens (I mean well-behaved when they're not shaming and scolding somebody who said the wrong thing in the wrong way and probably doesn't deserve the life they had before saying that thing, so why not completely tear it down?).

Pat Pending has almost certainly stuck his dick in that giant brain.

• Last issue was called "The Butcher Shop, Part One: Revelations." So you might think that this issue would include, somewhere in the title, "Part Two." But you'd be wrong! You probably weren't surprised by that revelation since that was such a standard set-up. No, this issue is also called "The Butcher Shop, Part One: Revelations." I guess that means it's Part Two of the first part of The Butcher Shop story although it doesn't make that explicitly clear.

• Pat Pending's wife is the all-powerful Announcer. He blames her for destroying the world after she went insane. He doesn't explain how or why she went insane but I'm willing to put twenty dollars on "Pat stuck his penis in my amygdala."

• The Announcer decides to blast some Wacky Raceland history into the heads of all the racers. Please oh please let it be that moment that I've mentioned twice now about the pinky and the brain.

• The Announcer tells everybody about Pat Pending's experiments to help enslave the world: weather control, nanite swarm death panels, dwarf clone armies, and weaponized Scooby Dogs. I knew this was the same universe! Now to just have Slutty Velma behind it all, making plans and gobbling dicks, and I'll be happy!

• Too bad for Pat Pending, his experiments revolted, led by the Slag Brothers. In the riot, Pat's wife was mortally wounded so he stuck her brain in a jar. That seems like a shitty idea. Could you really keep loving your partner if they were just brain? I'd bring women home to have sex with and they'd be all, "What's with the brain in the jar?" And I'd be all, "Just put a sheet over it." Then because I was stupid enough to hook the brain up to censors and microphones and computers, it would be all, "What's that sound? Tess? Are you fucking another whore?!" Man, just let her die, Pat!

• Angelique, who probably goes by "Ann" since that works for Announcer too, became Godlike in her powers over the world being linked directly into the World Wide Web. She decides to kill the world leaders and take over. I'd probably do something like that if I were a brain as well.

• You know the most worrisome thing about a Trump presidency? I once fleshed out one of our No Apologies! Press characters from the Galactic Hero Corps called Global Thermo-nuclear War Dude. I revealed that his main goal was the destruction of everything because he couldn't bear to die knowing that the world would still go on without him. I have a feeling if Trump gets some kind of health news where it's revealed he doesn't have long to live, he's taking us all out with him.

• Pat's wife not only killed all of the leaders, she destroyed the Earth.

And they're off!

• Pat Pending's plan was to train the Wacky Racers until they were strong enough, and a cohesive enough unit, to take down his wife, the Brain in the Jar. He probably could have offered to change out her brain water and then "accidentally" dropped her on the floor and kicked her under the fridge. Although that probably would have been a short comic book series and it wouldn't have involved the Wacky Races. So I'm glad it was done this way.

• The Announcer's jar is impervious to most weapons. But it has one weakness! It can't stand up to the Wacky Racebot! That's the robot that the Wacky Racecars turn into when Pat Pending initiates secret FuckCar Protocol 777. We all know why 69 is 69 but 777 is when a bunch of cars stick their dicks in each other to become one giant car.

• The Wacky Racebot defeats the brain by putting a cancer bomb inside of it. That's one way of like ten million ways to destroy a brain, I suppose.

• Afterward, all of the Racers head off to get drunk. But Pat Pending stays behind because he's not Pat Pending anymore!

I fucking hate it when this happens.

The Ranking!
+1! Um. I guess that's it? I wasn't prepared for this to be over so soon. I guess I'll just have to go stick my Wacky Races DVD in and pretend they're racing through the end of the world. At the very least, this version will probably always shade my reviewing of the cartoon in a positive way. I always loved the cartoon because it's fucking silly. I mean wacky! But I also always loved the "competition" cartoons where you never knew who was going to win each week. Although when your favorite character is the guy who is never allowed to win and his dog, it made for some sad Saturday mornings. But come on! Dick Dastardly should have won them all! And the Really Rottens should have won the Laff-o-lympics every week! We all knew it was true! Anyway, I'm sad this is over although I'm always kind of happy to find out I've got one less comic to read each month! That's me! Always* looking on the bright side!

*Always represents between 1 and 3 percent of all of the times.

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