Thursday, February 16, 2017

Batwoman Rebirth #1

Hopefully somebody Batmansplains the proper way to hold a Batarang to Batwoman.

The Review!
Let's learn a little bit about Kate Kane! But not the Kate Kane you used to think you knew about! This is Rebirth Kate Kane! Sort of the same but a little bit different! All of these sentences end in exclamation points because I'm singing them loudly in my head as I type them! Kate Kane!

At age 12, Kate and her sister and her mother were kidnapped in Brussels on the way to get chocolate and waffles. That must be a French delicacy. I mean Austrian. Belgium? Uh, European! A European Union Delicacy! I hope Belgium is in the European Union or that joke is going to make me look stupid.

So, um, anyway, they're kidnapped and killed. Kate isn't killed. The other two are killed. Depending on how similar Rebirth Kate Kane is to Prebirth Kate Kane, her sister might not actually be dead. Also her mother might not be. But she definitely isn't. This isn't an M. Night Shyamalan movie.

At age 20, Kate Kane was in West Point eating pussy. The men in charge were all, "Nobody eats pussy at West Point!" And all the women who dated cadets at West Point were all, "I know, right?!"

Never mind the allusions to eating pussy. Why can't colorists get the fucking American flag right?!

Don't fucking get me wrong and think I'm offended by people fucking up the American flag! I don't give an ideological shit about that! I just can't believe how often colorists get the stripes wrong when all of the information ever about everything that has ever been and possibly will be is available online. It's not like the colorist had to pop down to the local library to check out a book on flags of the world. This happens so often that maybe I should stop believing it's a mistake! Maybe it's a gigantic fuck you to America! What does Jeromy Cox have against America? Or doing the slightest amount of research?!

I just looked up Jeromy Cox on Wikipedia to see if I could figure out why he couldn't get the flag right. And being the World's Greatest Internet Detective and/or Maker-Upper of Theories Which I Totally Believe Are True Once I Think Them Up, I figured out the problem! Cox got his start coloring for Wildstorm. If Wildstorm was run like Jim Lee ran his percentage of Image, then it totally makes sense that nobody would do any research or really care much about the finished product at all because they were getting fat paychecks for owning all of their shit.

I still perceive everything Jim Lee does through the lens of how terrible WildC.A.T.s #1 was.

At age 22, Kate decided to travel the world because the pussy eating didn't go so well at West Point. Apparently oral sex between two women is against Article 125 of the Uniform Code of Military Justice. Oh, but Power Showers between the guys is okay, right? I wonder what the actual wording of Article 125 is? "Thou shalt not pleasure a woman with your mouth in that way women like to be pleasured, not in the front or in the back. Women are to be regarded as the makers of babies and that is the end of that subject, mister!" Article 126: "A Power Shower is to be defined as two men under one spigot and that is that, no matter what other shenanigans take place."

At age 23, Kate experienced a lost year. I don't know what that means yet because I haven't read about it. If you'd just hold your whoreses, I'll get right back to you with some information.

After reading about the Lost Year, I didn't learn much. Kate spent the year with a Sugar Mommy on the island of Coryana while being stalked by a killer. Nothing funny happened at all.

At age 23, Kate wound up in Gotham. I guess the Lost Year was a little shorter than a year. But the Lost Eleven Months Or So sounds stupid.

In Gotham at 23, Kate winds up with Renee Montoya. So far Kate's life is all about whose pussy she's eating. That's probably why she was wondering at the beginning "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" Unless that was Safiyah asking that. It's hard to tell when it's a question in a Narration Box without any identifying marker. Safiyah seems like the kind of ex who never quite understands how breakups work. And since she admits to being in control of her island and having access to hired killers, she'll probably wind up as Kate's nemesis.

At age 24, Kate meets Batman. As Batman introduces himself by pointing out that he knows all about her and her role as Batwoman, the reader gets some images of Batwoman's recent past. They show monsters and Wonder Woman and Beth. What those images are saying is "Rebirth Kate Kane is basically New 52 Kate Kane but with whatever minor tweaks and changes we want to add or subtract because Rebirth!"

At age 27 or 28 (whatever age Kate is in the present), Batwoman takes on the mission to hunt down the Monster Venom being sold on the black market. That's why she's getting her own series. But she'll probably still hang out with the Bat-kids over in Detective Comics. Unless she's done training them? I don't know.

At age older than 28, Kate's mother returns to destroy Gotham. I guess.

The Ranking!
Slightly higher than middle of the road. The theme in this issue was "Where are you going, Kate Kane?" That's a question people love to ask young people. When I was around twenty, my Aunt asked me, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" I replied, "Where did you see yourself ten years ago?" And she said, "Good point." What I was saying is why fucking bother to worry about it? I suppose if you're one of those people who know from an early age what you want to be and how you want to spend your entire life, you can easily answer that question. But those people annoy me because how come they get to have all the answers for their life at such a young age?! I had no plans for my life and boy does it show! But not in a bad way! It's just nobody would look at my life and think, "Wow! Harvest levels of planning by that guy!" And that's probably most of us, even really successful people. Those who follow their dreams don't automatically make those dreams come true. I'd say more people fail to create the life they envision for themselves than actually do it. Whenever somebody says, "I'm proof that you can do it too!", I want to slap them in their stupid faces. In a theoretical way, yeah, I suppose it's true. Some people get to make their dreams come true. But it's not inspirational to show one person who did it when I know there are thousands who could say, "I'm proof that it can't be done!" What I'm trying to say is, um, good luck, Batwoman! Don't worry so much about where you're going or you'll miss all the good pussy eating opportunities at hand.

P.S. It might sound like I'm obsessed with Batwoman being a lesbian. I'm not! I'm just reflecting the tone of the comic! It's James and Marguerite who are obsessed with it! And I'm not sorry they are. There were some pretty good oral sex innuendos in this thing.

No comments:

Post a Comment