Friday, February 24, 2017

Kamandi Challenge #2

I solved the mystery! Kamandi is actually David Lee Roth!

• The cliffhanger at the end of the last issue involved the stupid Tiger-Men deciding to set off a nuclear missile so they could absorb all of its power. Why would a race of tigers need a radioactive source to become more powerful? They're tigers! Just suck on each other's dicks and you'll be more powerful than they could ever imagine. And their boners will be so hard! It's like a positive feedback loop!

• Okay, so I guess I need to take a crack at solving the cliffhanger first. Kamandi has five minutes to disarm the nuclear bomb or everybody is going to die. He doesn't have the knowledge to disarm a bomb so he'll have to use all the tools at hand. One of those tools is Doctor Canus's erect dick slathered in peanut butter. Kamandi will probably suck him off and catch the load in his mouth. Then he'll run over to the timer on the missile and snowball the fuck out of it. Doctor Canus's semen, still sticky from the peanut butter and highly acidic from all the pineapple pizzas he eats, will adhere to the mechanism and short it out. Everybody will be safe! But Caesar will be upset that Kamandi ruined the ritual, so he'll probably throw him back in the arena. Or maybe he'll say to his son Tuftan, "Haven't you always wanted a pet that sucks dick? Take him!"

How does Doctor Canus get any sciencing done when he's constantly trying to buttfuck everything that moves?

• My second theory about how Kamandi solves the cliffhanger was that he'd simply run away and let the tigers die in the blast. But then I thought, "How far can he really run away? He'd be dead too! I know this is a comic book but that's so illogical!" By the third page of this issue, it seems Tomasi has opted for the Kamandi runs for his life solution. It seems a little bit like a cheat but at least it wipes out a lot of characters that don't matter. Just have Doctor Canus and Tuftan survive and call it good. Even Caesar doesn't have to live!

• Tuftan catches Kamandi before he can get away and drags him back to the missile. All of the idiot tigers stand around anticipating the moment the bomb blows so they can all scream "It's greeeeeeeaaaaaat!" together in a fiery, apocalyptic ending.

"I'll never even get to kiss a girl who isn't a robot or my grandmother!"

• It looks like Peter J. Tomasi is choosing the easiest way out of this cliffhanger: the bomb's a dud! I feel so cheated! Hopefully Dan Abnett, in his brief at the end where he explains how he would have solved the cliffhanger, uses the dog semen trick.

• Instead of blowing up, a sentient ape double fisting pistols pops out of the top of the missile. It was a Trojan Missile! And those stupid tigers fell for it! Although the ape is even dumber since his plan relied on the tigers setting off the bomb to free him so he could kill them. He could have just let them have a real bomb, I suppose.

• More apes descend on the city so Kamandi uses the chaos to steal his shit back from Doctor Peanut Butter Dick. He then rushes off to the Museum of War to find a weapon. Or to be killed by Jackdaws.

• I still don't know what the mystery is that I'm supposed to be solving before they do!

• The Jackdaws pick up some of the ancient artifacts housed in the museum to help fight the apes. The relics are all weapons of DC superheroes! I wonder if Cheeks the Toy Wonder is in the museum somewhere.

• Crashing down through the floor and into the Basement of Forbidden Jack Kirby Objects, Kamandi discovers Metron's Chair underneath an old tarp. I guess the cliffhanger will be how quickly Kamandi's head explodes after sitting in the chair.

• Doctor Canus and Prince Fuzzy-pants show up just in time to see Kamandi hop in Metron's Chair. They chase after him to try to stop him before the chair disappears. And even though Kamandi has been trying to get away from these guys, he decides to reach out, grab them, and pull them along for the ride. The chair takes off and I start singing, "All my life I've wanted to fly like the birds that you see way up in the sky! Making circles in the morning sun flying high in the sky til the day is done! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! Like a child in his fantasy punching holes in the walls of reality! All my life I've wanted to fly but I don't have the wings and I wonder why. I CAN'T BREAK AWAY! I CAN'T BREAK AWAY!"


• I hope Tomasi doesn't think the previous page will be used by the other writers! What writer is going to think, "Oh shit! Tomasi stuck that phrase into that Metron Chair bit that read 'If the Red Riders catch us, we're doomed!' I've got to incorporate that into my story! And remember he had all those comic books appear. What was that about?!" More likely, everybody will go, "Yeah, yeah. Fuck you Tomasi. I'm writing my own shit over here! Stop trying to be cute."

• Kamandi, Doctor Peanut Butter Dick, and Prince Fuzzy-Pants wind up in San Diego. That's where the big Comic Con happens! I bet they run into cosplayers in the Wild Human Reserve.

• Apparently the guards of the Wild Human Reserve are Manhunters. Even though they're called Manhunters, they shoot the dog and the tiger immediately. Then they say their trademark saying, "No man escapes the Manhunters," which alerts Kamandi to the danger he's in (just in case he thought the Manhunters were only interested in not allowing tigers and dogs to escape). So to get away, Kamandi throws himself over a cliff and presumably dies. Unless the next writers, Jimmy Palmiotti and Amanda Conner, can think up a way to keep Kamandi from dying! I just don't see how they can. He's as good as dead!

• Finally, each issue includes an essay by the previous writer explaining how they would have solved their cliffhanger. This essay is by Dan Abnett and he describes how he would have had Kamandi survive the nuke. Hopefully he just says, "I was going to kill him. Let's see the next writer get out of that!"

• Dan Abnett's solution would have been to have Kamandi flee while the nuke obliterates Tiger City. I pointed out that was an option but the laziest one of all! At least for coming up with a clever solution. I would have also allowed the bomb to blow because it's a post-apocalyptic world where bad shit happens. But Abnett also solved DiDio's cliffhanger with a lazy solution, so I think Abnett just likes to take the easy way out when writing. That's probably why I'm not reading his Titans book anymore.

The Ranking!
No change! I'm grading this on a curve and Tomasi's solution was less creative than my sticky dog semen solution.

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