Saturday, February 11, 2017

Vigilante: Southland #3

Vigilante is still high as fuck.

The Review!
Last issue ended with Vigilante being framed for murder! Since he's a black man with a weapon in a house he doesn't own next to a dead body, he doesn't take the time to start a rational conversation about how he couldn't be the murderer based on the brain splatter patterns and the caliber of the sniper bullet and the broken window which the bullet came through and a whole bunch of other evidence that would probably exonerate him but it would be too late because he would have been shot dead immediately. So instead he begins fighting for his life against a full SWAT team who aren't high as fuck. He is in trouble!


That caption wasn't hyperbole. The SWAT team really are defeated by the Kevlar. It's pretty embarrassing.

The Kevlar doesn't stop the SWAT team from shooting at Vigilante because Kevlar isn't a magic force field! I mean, it basically is in comic books but I have to believe that this comic book is pretending it isn't or else why wouldn't the SWAT team just stop shooting and go home? I mean, Kevlar, bitches! That's like Starfleet going up against Romulan cloaking technology! There's no way to fucking win! Unless you're Captain Kirk, of course. He's the anti-Kevlar!

The Kevlar isn't the only thing that helps Vigilante escape. He also confuses the SWAT team with a huge bong hit.

The sniper who sniped the guy who got sniped also gets away. But not before revealing to the reader that he has an upside down diamond tattooed under his left eye. That's a clue to the mystery! I kind of forget what the mystery was though. Part of the mystery was The Case of the Dead Girlfriend Who Probably Should Have Been the Main Character of this Comic Book. But she was investigating a mystery too and that's the one I can't really remember. I don't think it matters as long as Vigilante engages in some really exciting car chases and gun fights.

Some stuff takes place that has to do with the bad guy Spectros and his boss. His boss is a nearly naked woman who later gets naked because she's been a bad girl. Both of them want Vigilante dead.

Last commentary, I said "Vigilante" was one typo away from a sort of lewd word. It confused me at first because even I find my writing confusing if I'm not in the exact same head-space. But I quickly realized I must have meant "Vagilante."

Luckily for the plot and the reader, Vigilante found a clue while escaping the frame-up. He got the ID number of the sniper's boat! Now he's got something to investigate so the rest of this comic book isn't just Donny (that's Vigilante's real name!) getting his ass kicked in training by a guy in a wheelchair.

While investigating the boat, Vigilante is attacked by Diamond Eye Dick who tries to kill him. Since Diamond Eye Dick isn't in a wheelchair, you'd think he'd have a greater than 100% chance of defeating Donny. But you'd be wrong because apparently Donny's weakness is guy's in wheelchairs. He manages to fend off Diamond Eye Dick and escape. But while escaping on his motorcycle, he falls asleep. Probably because he's high as fuck. And just to make matters worse, he crashes right by two hungry pit bulls! To be continued! Such drama!

The Ranking!
-1! That was kind of a weak cliffhanger. It was almost as if Gary realized he was coming up on twenty pages and he was all, "Shit! I have Vagilante escaping on a motorcycle but how is that for an exciting ending?! I know! I can introduce his narcolepsy! And he can fall asleep! And he can crash! But that's not good enough, dammit! Oh! I know! DOGS! Wild dogs should be seen menacing him! BOOM! Thrilling ending! What's in store for old Vigilante next month?! Rabies? Maybe!"

No comments:

Post a Comment