Friday, February 17, 2017

Nightwing #13

Is this sex?

The Review!
Currently in Nightwing, Nightwing has moved to Bludhaven (with an umlaut! I'm too lazy to find the alt code for it) to adventure with a team of superheroes who might alternately engage in pornographic film making when they're not fighting crime. They have names like Thrill Devil and Stallion and Jizz and Goober. I'd be getting aroused just by those names if I hadn't masturbated like five minutes ago. They're all super villains trying to reform so Nightwing has a soft spot for them. Also he has a soft spot for them because he wants to touch the soft spot on their mentor. She was framed so she's currently in jail. I don't remember what her supervillain name was. Probably Tight Twat.

Nightwings mini-team decide to stop trying to be heroes because they're quitters. Also I don't think they really wanted to be heroes. They just don't want to be thought of as criminals anymore. Well maybe they shouldn't run around in their old super villain outfits! Most of them are white. If they just put on some clean clothes and act like they've never broken the law ever, they can pass as law abiding citizens! But Mouse is African-American so she'll get hassled by some racist cop at some point simply for existing.

Meanwhile, the Bludhaven police are complaining that keeping the law is too hard when they can't beat the shit out of perps. As if that was a good tool to keeping the city safe! The problem isn't that maybe a guy breaking into a car shouldn't possibly get a stray elbow to the jaw just to learn him some consequences. The problem is that cops often don't actually know who the criminals are and tend to beat up anybody their "gut" says is a criminal. That's the part of the argument a lot of these asshole Blue Lives Matter people can't get past. It's their racist blind spot. Cops don't just go out there and beat people who deserve to be beaten (we'll pretend that's a thing. We'll pretend people breaking laws deserve to be beaten. It isn't a thing. But let's pretend for a second). Cops go out and beat people who they suspect deserve to be beaten. And if the person they suspect hasn't done anything and tells the cop they haven't, suddenly the cop accuses them of mouthing off to the cop and before you know it, they're being beaten for resisting arrest. Cops not only think they can get away with murder; they've discovered they absolutely can get away with murder. Just explain that you feared for your life and you're off the hook for shooting somebody who didn't have any kind of weapon at all. As long as you swear you thought they had a weapon, you're good. Don't worry about the life you took and all the people whose lives were ruined because of it. But you notice how you can't use the excuse that you feared for your lives even when you run from cops? That seems way more justified!

That's her connection? The direction of the victims' faces?! I don't know, man! That's some M. Night Shyamalan stretching it shit! I guess the murderer is going to wind up being the "Hey! Look over there!" Killer.

Nightwing is busy running around trying to stop another murder. He's using the rooftops and he winds up running across tourism billboards for Bludhaven. Why would Bludhaven advertise Bludhave inside of Bludhaven? Worst tourist board ever.

Nightwing is in time to save the mayor and catch the man who has been framing all the ex-cons: Jimmy Nice! See? I told you! Remember when I said, "Another person Dick will be working with at Don’t Let Teenagers Become Violent And Steal My Things Headquarters is a guy named James Nice. That’s suspicious! You don’t get a name like Nice without being a cold-hearted dildo puncher." Too bad Nightwing didn't figure it out immediately. He needs to remember he's living in a comic book and comic book writers love to do stupid ironic bullshit like making guys named Nice not.

Nice gets away just as the cops get there so you know what that means! I mean, you must know what that means, right? How long have you been reading comic books? Even if you've only been reading them for a few months, you know how this works. The cops arrive at the scene of the crime and immediately try to arrest or kill the superhero. So now Dick isn't just the face of Bludhaven; he's also the...I don't have any way to finish that sentence cleverly. He's just a wanted man now.

Dick runs into Defacer (oh, that was her name! I was close with Tight Twat) who distracts him long enough for Detective Svoboda to get her gun on Nightwing. Apparently she wants to have coffee with him. So another woman who wants to fuck Dick. And he's only been in town for a few days. Lucky bastard!

The Ranking!
No change!

No comments:

Post a Comment