Green Arrow #9

This is how Green Arrow should always fight! Guns that shoot little green arrows! He didn't fucking name himself Green Bow! So these guns still work for him! And it's so much more believable than running around shooting a bow and arrow at super powered enemies!

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark begin the issue spooning. They're taking a break from the hunt they're on. I kind of forget what they're hunting. Green Arrow says they're taking a break from "a bear hunt" so perhaps they're after the giant polar bear that is supposed to be King Leer's next body. Unless I made that part up in my last commentary. Fuck, why am I such a liar? I can't believe anything I say and these blogs are supposed to help me remember what's going on in each comic month after month. If the Blackhawks ever continue their story, I'm really not going to remember what's going on in their world since I just made up everything that happened in the last issue.

Green Arrow wakes up to the sound of guns cocking. Hee hee. He's got ears like Clarice Starling. He manages to take out the Natives shooting at him by shooting his tiny arrow guns back at them.

Does Green Arrow have a history of using pistols? Because I just pulled out my own gun (Hey! I'm American! I've got tons of them!) and tried holstering it like this. And I shot myself in the fucking testicle.

The Natives were shooting at Green Arrow because they thought he was King Leer. Not because he looks like him but because King Leer's deer were parked outside. And the best way to kill somebody you want dead is to randomly blast holes in the side of a house you suspect they might be inside. The Natives don't like Leer because he's ruining the land and destroying the game. Green Arrow, being green, wants to help restore the Native's land.

Bullshit! You just aimed through the bullet holes in the side of the wall believing the trajectory would lead your arrows straight to the victims! You couldn't know if you were going to kill or injure or just fucking miss with every shot!

After Green Arrow lies to the Natives since he really just got lucky that he didn't kill any of them, he patches up their wounds and gets some information out of them. They lead Oliver to the mine that's ruining the land. Cordelia Skylark is beginning to get sick because she's been separated from her sisters for so long. The Natives think Green Arrow needs to infiltrate the mine and stop the destruction. Yeah, yeah. He'll probably get around to that soon enough.

Back at King Leer's Castle, a program for breeding mutant armor-covered lemmings is busily under way. The dwarf questions if this is a profitable program and King Leer just bleats out some Shakespearean bullshit. He sends Regan Skylark to find Green Arrow and steal him away from Cordelia Skylark.

Won't this just make Goneril Skylark sick from separation while Cordelia gets better the closer Regan gets to her?

Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the local town where one guy runs everything. And this one guy is a gigantic asshole.

So when male writers write women in comics, they make them overly sexy cum dumpsters. And when women writers write men in comics, they make them sex obsessed pervert assholes. Seems about right!

Inside the bar are a bunch of other town assholes and a great big scene that I'd have been embarrassed to write. It basically goes like this: Green Arrow enters the frontier town. Locals hate new people. Green Arrow spits for some reason (bad beer? Why is Green Arrow drinking beer anyway? Wouldn't that take him off his aiming game even if just a tad?). Spitting is a reason to hang the new person. Fight ensues. Locals brag about being tough by spouting tall tales. Green Arrow kicks their asses. Green Arrow strikes a deal with them to kick out the miners and get their gold back. Locals now respect Green Arrow because he kicked their asses. They agree to his deal. And why the fuck does Green Arrow want that Polar Bear back?!

That summary doesn't do justice to how horrible that scene I just read was. The locals are terrible caricatures. Green Arrow is drinking alcohol before going back into the snow without protection and to fight people where he'll need all his wits about him. And he's going to now be using dynamite.

Hell no. Believe me, crazy don't make up for cute.

While Green Arrow is at the bar, Regan Skylark enters Cordelia Skylark's room upstairs and injects her with something that instantly paralyzes her. Somehow it makes it so she can't speak but she can still breathe. I'm not sure how that paralytic works. But then, I'm not a doctor! I'm just an asshole! Anyway, Regan shoves Cordelia under the bed so that she'll have to listen to Regan Skylark fuck Ollie's negligible brains out.

And they're apparently fucking on a futon with no mattress while Cordelia has to watch between the slats. Oh, and she also gets to cry because that one lone tear is always the only thing a completely paralyzed person is allowed to do. Something always makes them sad so that one single tear can fall. Pathos!

I'm not sure how getting drunk and spending the afternoon rutting in the hotel fits into the plan, but then I also don't remember why they're trying to get their polar bear back either. So I'll just assume I haven't been paying attention and believe that the steamy sex had to happen. And the drinking!

I should develop a drinking game for reading The New 52. Anybody got any ideas? Then I'll write all of my commentaries while playing the drinking game sitting alone in my office! But if I have to play it on work nights, that could cause a problem when I begin running people over with my floor buffer.
Another meanwhile, Naomi is arriving in town via some kind of air transport. I don't know what kind of transport because the panel is a view from inside the cockpit not because I'm a stupid moron who can't tell the difference between a plane and a helicopter.

The next morning, Green Arrow and Cordelia Skylark head into the mines. I guess after the wild sex, Green Arrow fell immediately to sleep while Regan Skylark put Cordelia Skylark back into bed and then headed back to her father. And Cordelia doesn't remember anything about the previous night which Regan warned her would happen. Which just seems weird than that Regan wanted Cordelia to hear them having sex when she wouldn't remember it. Green Arrow follows a route through the mines given to him by Regan although he thought it was Cordelia. And it leads him right into a trap!

Why is he fucking surprised? Ollie, you're an idiot.

Ollie battles King Leer. Green Arrow uses a gun, of course. King Leer just punches the shit out of Ollie's stupid face. If I sound a little bitter, I am! Green Arrow betrayed me! I thought the comic book was getting better but this issue has just sucked Grifter style. Green Arrow never even used a bow! What the hell is that about?

Anyway, Green Arrow is losing the fist fight when the dynamite blows. I guess he had the locals set it up on the top of the mountain while he was busy fucking the Skylark. I guess that was where the fucking came into the plan! He needed to waste some time while the locals set up the dynamite. So the top of the mountain collapses in on the huge cavern that was the mining operation. After the top blows off, Naomi's helicopter is waiting with a ladder to rescue Ollie. Perhaps Naomi met with Ollie while he was drinking in the bar and they planned this escape. Ollie hops on the ladder and offers to rescue Cordelia Skylark except he also breaks up with her at the same time. Since Ollie won't have her, Cordelia chooses to dive into the trap door which her father climbed into and declared that the daughter that loved him most would follow him into it even though it was about to get buried under the mountain rubble. Goneril and Regan said, "Fuck that!" and decided to ski down the side of the mountain to safety. So I guess Cordelia Skylark does love daddy best and he knows it before it's too late! Which makes this story a tragedy because he's a goddamned douche-possum.

Green Arrow finds himself rescued but continues to kick himself for the rash decisions he made because he found himself fucking triplets. He thinks, "I made some mistakes. I think they're going to haunt me." Moral of the story: When you're only on Issue #9 and you've already tried out three different writers, you're going to get fucking cancelled, asshole.

Green Arrow #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. Wow. After all that, I almost typed, "No change." And then I remembered some of the Narration Boxing Green Arrow did on the last two pages. "Didn't the Buddhists say don't get attached to things?" "She tells me there's a new arrow in town." Wait, what? What the fuck did I miss? "But I forgot my bear." What was up with that fucking bear?! If I could only remember, maybe the entire storyline would make sense! Eat it, Green Arrow! I am sick to piss of you. Look? I'm not even making sense I'm so tired of your dumb crap.