Legion of Super-heroes #9

This cover is getting scarily close to being Hentai.

Last issue, some future stuff was happening in the future and some story lines from before the Reboot were affecting a storyline that takes place after the Reboot. A whole shitload of characters were doing things and having plots and experiencing conflicts and then another whole shitload of characters did some stuff as well. It was all very exciting for fans of the Legion of Super-heroes and all very dull for people who are fans of good comic book characters.

That last sentence has giving me the courage to do something I should have done a long time ago: bring all of my bias and loathing for this comic book into my commentaries! If you thought I'd been unfair to this comic in past commentaries, just wait until you see how many times I can call Brainiac 5 a cunt in this commentary! I finally can't wait to read Legion of Super-heroes! Join me on my venomous journey, won't you?

This issue beings with the Legionnaires' DVR Repairbug explaining to Brainiac 5 why all of his unwatched episodes of Happy Days were deleted.

"NO! I've yet to see the second part of Fonzi's motorcycle jump over the fucking barrels, you stupid chitin-face!"

Brainiac 5's superpower is described as "12th Level Super-Intelligence." Can I get a fuck on what that means? What do I compare this to? Is he smarter than everyone who doesn't have any kind of super-intelligence? Which is probably very nearly every person in the universe. But then he's also 12th Level! I guess that's impressive because the rating probably should only go to 10. Or is it kind of sucky because it's out of 100? I think it just means every other word out of his mouth is techno-blather.

Of course you refuse to accept the past is closed to you! All the Legion has ever done is mucked up and fucked up time! How are they going to be relevant to the rest of the DCnU if they can't interact with it?

I hate the way time travel was dealt with in Legion Lost and even though that was a different writer, I think I'm allowed to hate this comic book for the way it wants to deal with time travel! Flashpoint bent the timestream over the toilet and fucked it five ways to the 31st century. It's broken and crying in the corner now, Brainiac. But don't give up, I guess. The editors and writers will soon become tired of the not fucking with time rule and they'll allow you back to the past eventually. So pout away, cunt.

While Cuntface 5 proves his intelligence by saying things like "rebalance the photon ward cycle," Dream Tits appears because she's prognosticated a prognostication!

Wow! What amazing powers of farsight, Dream Girl! You "felt" "something" would "happen"! By the way, you got a little Chicken and Stars on your face there.

The something important that happens happens just a few seconds after Dream Girl arrives. Two aliens with horrible language skills portal into the room and attack. Harmonia, who just showed a few issues ago that she was an amazing bad-ass, gets knocked unconscious immediately. I suppose it takes her a minute or two to warm up her powers. Which is weird since every other Legionnaire seems to be able to do complex physics and chemistry with their powers in a heartbeat. Brainiac is blasted by some electric spit or something. Who can fucking tell? But Dream Girl apparently saw the future and knew where the alien was going to be so she could kick it in the face. Or maybe she's a Level 11 Kickmaster.

Meanwhile on the prison planet of Tahron-Galtos, Mon-el has teamed up with Gravity Kid of the Science Police! What could they be up to? Who the fuck knows since I don't know anything about the Legion of Super-heroes! But let me explain it anyway! Validus (who?) still remains locked up even though the Saturn Queen (WTF?) didn't free him. She probably didn't think her telepathy could control him (that's not how you use telepathy!) but someone with the abilities of Tharok (Hunh?) could control Validus (still no idea!). And since someone is recreating the Fatal Five (oh fuck should I be worried who the fuck are they that doesn't sound good).... Well, Mon-el never finishes his thought so I still don't know if I should be worried.

He has an impossible biology. That means he can't be alive. So stop worrying about him! He's non-existent!

Back at Metropolis University where Cunt Cunt 5 and Dream Boobs were annoying me with their future problems, Harmonia apparently wasn't knocked out. My error. She does turn out to be a bad-ass since she kicks butt on the rocky alien that attacked her. But while she's doing that, Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl lose their fight and are taken back through the alien's portal. Just like it showed on the cover! Lately, the covers have all been very accurate! Some even too accurate! Like Wonder Woman #9 which pretty much showed the big twist ending (that was a pun because it showed a noose!).

Ultra Boy shows up to help Harmonia defeat the rock guy. And I guess Ultra Boy is like Harmonia in that his powers aren't instantaneous like how Catalyst Kid can somehow change the chemistry inside people's bodies without having to see anything or do anything except know the possible chemistry of the situation. Ultra Boy breaks his knuckles by not changing his power from invulnerability to super strength at the right time. But once the alien's defeated, it melts into a pile of goo and the portal closes. The Legion now have no idea where Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl have been taken. Who else but those two can tell? I'm sure there is a Legion member with the singular ability to know where every person in the universe currently is located. Also, I know I'm supposed to be hating on this comic, but Harmonia is kind of hot.

I find girls with no faces super attractive!

Dys, the creature that kidnapped Brainiac 5 and Dream Girl, returns to the home world of the Dominators with his captors. Dys can disable technology with his powers which probably means he'll be tricked by Brainiac 5 at some point to fuck up the Dominator's technology. The Dominators were after Brainiac and his smarts for some reason. Dream Girl was just an extra piece of ass to show off to Dys's superiors.

The Legionnaires analyze the glop left over from the alien melting itself and realize it has the same amino acids as the Dominator's food. So Brainiac 5 was just defeated by Dominator Sloppy Joe? Now who's the smartest person in the universe? The Legion believe the Dominators are behind the kidnapping and Cosmic Boy gets them ready to attack the Dominator's homeworld. But the Earth Government won't allow them to break the treaty with the aliens until they gather more evidence. This pisses off Dream Girl's boyfriend, crippled Star Guy, and he quits to go rescue them himself. I guess he's going to power up his cosmic Rascal scooter and putter off to Planet Dominator.

Legion of Super-heroes #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm not giving it a negative ranking because I've decided to hate it for no reason. I'm giving it a negative ranking because it's so damned hard to follow! It's a lot like Green Lantern in that the Reboot didn't really do anything to the storyline being told. The only thing it did was stop everyone from time traveling. So as a new reader, it's nearly incomprehensible.