I, Vampire #9

Starring Julia Roberts and Jeffrey Dahmer.

Since the events of last issue, Andrew Bennett has led his people across the land and into Utah, just like the holy prophet Brigham Young. He's also trying to find a place for his people where they won't be persecuted and where they can be free to unlive just like everyone else. I wonder if they'll be allowed to drink caffiene?

I see the colors aren't any better in Utah.

It seems Andrew Bennett has decided to change the image of vampires. Although, hasn't that already happened? Didn't Anne Rice already take care of that? Although her vampires were a bit too homosexual for mainstream America to really fall in love with them. Another two decades or so were needed after Rice before they could really shed their Salem's Lot image and truly become lusty super hunks. And then a decade after that and shit writers turned them into fantasy boy toys. Maybe that's the image Andrew Bennett is trying to shed! Team Andrew!

Yep! Time for an image change!

Andrew Bennett really has gotten a nice dose of magic power. The two rednecks who accost him end up punching Andrew. He tears their heads off in response. But he instantly heals them and they wake up after Andrew has gone with the memory of being killed by him. Is that going to be an effective deterrent? I think they're going to need to get their heads ripped off at least one more time before the warning takes.

Meanwhile, in Germany where the real deal evil vampyres (with a "Y"!) dwell, Hippie John and Tig are hunting Van Helsings!

Meet The Van Helsings!

The Van Helsings get the message that Andrew Bennett has an army of vampires and is more powerful than ever before. Although I think the message was supposed to be, "Hey, Van Helsings? I could use a little help taming all these feral vampires." Hippie John and Tig are going to be mighty embarrassed that their message was misunderstood. You know, after they wake up from drinking the drugged wine they were offered. Amateurs!

They eventually do come around.when they awake aboard the Van Helsings' plane.

Or one of their planes, anyway.

As the Van Helsings head off to war, Andrew tells his restless legions that they're free to go feed if they so desire. But first they must fight him to the death. Mary decides to take him up on the offer. It didn't take her long to, once again, get tired of Andrew Bennett's good boy attitude. This is exactly why she tried to kill him in Issue #1! I guess she figured she'd at least give him a few weeks to see if he'd really changed. He didn't. He's just trying to change everyone else.

I, Vampire #9 Rating: No change. Nothing really exciting happened this issue. I don't know if I'm surprised Mary could only take one issue's worth of Andrew being like this or that she actually lasted one entire issue without rebelling! I think I, Vampire is going to turn into the comic book equivalent of Gertrude Stein's Melanctha. Which would be interesting but I don't think it would hold its audience's attention for the 100 or so issues the spiraling relationship would have to last.