Earth 2 #2

Garrick's costume is garish.

The first page of this comic brings Mister Terrific to Earth 2.

Okay, so I was wrong about the portal last issue bringing Mister Terrific from Earth 1. But then who was the the lone figure coming over from Earth 1? Mystery!

Mister Terrific finds himself in the middle of a downtown square where, once again, the big screens playing television and showing ads are also blaring out sound. These comic book cities must be the noisiest places in existence.

Wildcat?

Mister Terrific instantly learns that he's on another Earth because everywhere he looks, something mentions the deaths of Wonder Woman, Batman, and Superman. I guess he could also be in the future but why waste time making the third smartest man on Earth 1 guess incorrectly? I wonder where he ranks in Smartiness on Earth 2?

Well, I guess he's not the smartest since he instantly meets the Smartest Man on Earth 2!

The World's Smartest Man knew Mister Terrific would be arriving at this time and place. He also knew Mister Terrific was from a parallel Earth. He also also knew Mister Terrific was Michael Holt. And then he defeats Mister Terrific nearly instantly by taking control of Mister Terrific's balls and using them against Mister Terrific. Terrific!

Meanwhile, Jay Garrick continues to speak with the dying God Mercury. Mercury claims something worse than Darkseid is headed toward Earth and Earth needs heroes. So Mercury gives his speed and a stupid costume and some advice to Jay Garrick. The advice is Fox Mulder's favorite: "Trust no one." The World Police arrive right about this time and Garrick decides Mercury's advice probably means them as well, so he runs from the World Police. Does that instantly make him a wanted man?
Next, Alan Scott arrives in Hong Kong for the moment that everybody on the web needed to discuss long before Earth 2 #2 hit the shelves. Thanks for the fucking spoilers, internet. Fucktards. Why does everyone have to know everything before everyone else? Why can't we all just wait for the goddamned story to unfold?

Oh yeah. This guy Sam is going to end up in a refrigerator.

Since his name is Sam, does that mean he's the Sam Adams, Mayor of Portland, of Earth 2? Sam Adams is my step-uncle and I recommended that his slogan to run for Mayor of Portland be: Sam Adams. The wayer gayer mayor. He didn't use it.

Back to Flash, he decides to test out his powers by fighting rats. He defeats them handily by containing them in a trash can. Good job, Garrick!

Apokorats! I guess the Boom Tubes have the same faults as ancient sailing vessels?

After Garrick saves the couple, he decides to see how fast he can run. He takes off and when he stops, he finds he's arrived in Poland. And someone is waiting for him.

Hawkgirl! I think the Hawkperson get up is the World Police outfit. Makes sense since the original Hawkman and Hawkwoman were police officers on Thanagar and that's why they wore what they wore.

Back to Alan Scott and his man Sam, they're riding a bullet train to a resort somewhere. The interior of the train is so romantic and boring and plain with boring people reading the paper and such...

...that Alan Scott can't help himself.

Look! A ring! Foreshadowing!

But before Sam can answer, he's stuffed into a refrigerator.

Apparently gay marriage is a sin on Earth 2 and God instantly punished Alan Scott for proposing the awful horror of two men in matrimonial bliss.

Okay, so Sam wasn't stuffed into a refrigerator. But exploding him in a fiery bullet train accident gets the same results. Alan Scott will somehow survive due to possibly already being The Green Lantern or some other foolishness. And he'll vow revenge on whoever did this.

But could something even more sinister be going on here? Perhaps DC wasn't really prepared to have a super hero in a perfectly stable and normal homosexual relationship. So they shock the prudish readers with the kiss but then blow up Scott's lover in a horrific accident that will keep Scott out of relationships for the foreseeable future because he's mourning his great love. That would be kind of a pussy move, DC, if that's what you're doing. I would be shocked though if Sam survives this as well. Okay, he might survive in a persistent, vegetative state but would be pulling the same bullshit as if Sam died. It leaves Alan Scott in a limbo state concerning relationships. I, for one, am interested to see how this plays out. Are you just a bunch of cowards who talk big, DC? It would have been far more interesting to have a stable gay couple that avoided all of the dramatic pitfalls of storytelling than to resort to this in Issue #2! Hell, in the same issue Scott's sexuality was revealed!

Earth 2 #2 Rating: No change. Overall, the issue was fairly flat and boring. Flash fought rats? Really? Mister Terrific appears and is instantly taken down by "The World's Smartest Man"? Wow, you blew that load quick, Robinson! Eric Wallace was going to really drag out the "who on Earth is smarter than Michael Holt" story across a few years of writing. And then Alan Scott is gay but then, hey, let's kill his man instantly. Okay, okay. Maybe Sam will survive. But does anybody really believe that'll happen? Refrigerator!

Oh, and don't get me wrong! I'm not calling Sam a woman because he's gay. I think the Women in Refrigerators motif (great name, by the way, Gail Simone) is an accurate portrayal of how comic writers treat any loved one close to a super hero. So I include men in the "women" part of that title! And pets! Don't forget pets!