Batman and Robin #9

Tie your fucking shoes, kid! Or at least double knot them if they're going to dangle like that.

Whenever I think of Batman and Robin, I can't help but remember my talking alarm clock I had as a child. I'm pretty sure I owe a good deal of my independence to using this alarm clock to wake myself up. I think it's a lesson many kids should learn but parents don't really consider. It's easier to go in and wake up the kids yourself when you need them to get up than to expect them to do it themselves. Especially since most parents feel the overwhelming need for total control. But listen to me, kiddies: being able to get yourself out of bed is your first step to overthrowing the reliance of the parental units! Once you begin to get up on your own, you'll begin to see your mother weeping uncontrollably over the pancakes she's making you for breakfast. She already knows she's losing you! And then, when you begin to eat waffles and pop tarts, you remove yourself even further from the iron grip of the fascist birth canal owner. This Batman and Robin clock taught me that every responsibility I took away from my mother and assumed myself was a step toward freedom. FREEDOM! Thank you, Batman and Robin Clock, for allowing me to fly!

Damien (you know, Robin!) is wandering the sewers of Gotham when Alfred's call goes out warning the Bat Family about the Talons and their victims. Robin wants to head back to the Batcave to help his father but Alfred tells him he's needed to protect Major General Benjamin Burrows. I'm not familiar with this guy at all. Robin takes off with his mini-jetpack (he has one of those?!) and heads out to help.

The big question here is why was Robin scouring Gotham's sewers? He had some thing that looked like a metal detector. This kid is trouble so I'm suspicious! Maybe Batman dropped the Batkeys in the sewers going after Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum during Dark Knight #8 and he's sent Robin to fetch them. That sounds like a pretty good job for Robin.

No, you're the National Guard! You aren't supposed to be in Afghanistan! But you're being used like overseas reserve troops which is bullshit.

Robin drops down next to the Major General with his jet pack. When did Robin get a jetpack?! The things I missed out on by not reading comics for eight years! Anyway, the Major General just watched a bunch of his men get killed through his thermal binoculars by a guy whose heat signature was much lower than normal. Robin (after beating up the Major General's men who try to subdue him) informs him that he's about to die. You know, by the Talon! Not by Robin! Maybe. Robin is kind of an asshole.

Images like this one keep me reading comics.

Robin's warning isn't really taken seriously the way it would have been if Batman had delivered it. I think Damien needs a few local newsreel clips of him knocking the teeth out of thugs so people start taking him seriously. Maybe he and Aquaman can get together and do a Bad-Ass Tour of America so people stop with the molestation and talks with fish playground cracks. Aquaman probably has to deal with molesting underage fish jokes but Robin probably doesn't get made fun of for being molested or for talking with fish while being molested. At least he shouldn't! Being molested by Batman probably isn't funny at all!

Talon attacks but Major General's men keep him occupied by getting their heads cut off. During the fifteen seconds that takes, the Major General hops on Robin's back and they blast off to safety! Except the Talon's dead muscles allow him to leap great distances!

And, speaking of molestation, it grabs onto Robin's wing with an inappropriate sound effect.

Robin knocks the Talon off with a BatorRobinarang but he still ends up crashing to the ground with the Major General. Luckily they crash much further away due to the gliding nature of their descent because the Major General's leg is badly fractured. Alfred probably taught Robin how to spot injuries like this. Robin probably makes a splint and they trundle off to the closest National Guard outpost.

Meanwhile, the Talon decides to do a little Jason Voorhees on some campers while chasing down the Major General.

This is truly the most disturbing comic book of The New 52.

The Talon steals the bow and arrows from these campers who were out, I guess, bow hunting for S'mores since that's what they were eating.

A squad of National Guardsmen stumble upon Robin dragging the Major General back to the outpost. Robin quickly sets them up in a defensive perimeter to defend he Major General. But even with all of the guns and bullets and whatnot, the Talon manages to pick the soldiers off one by one with his new bow and arrows. But not Robin!

I think the "FAP" sound effect means Robin's extraordinary reflexes are the results of many hours of masturbation.

Eventually, all of the soldiers are killed and just Robin and the Major General are left. The Talon calls the Major General by Wilkins instead of his real name, Burrows, which confuses the General enough that the Talon has to tell him the long winded reason why Burrows has been sentenced to die by the Court of Owls. The main thing the story reveals is that the Court of Owls has been around since at least 1778. This Talon was the living Talon of that time period and his mission was never fully completed. Until now when he kills the Burrows. But we all know Robin isn't going to allow that!

This might be one of my favorite uses of the Bat Grapple.

Robin strings the Talon up to a tree and cuts off its head. That should probably stop it. He and the Major General limp off to end the issue.

Batman and Robin #9 Rating: +1 Ranking. This comic had at least four instances of decapitation. And not hinted at, off-panel decapitation! Right there for everyone to see it! Well, okay, the campers did get beheaded off-panel. But that shot of them still sitting cross-legged with no heads was kind of disgusting. I'm still fascinated that the title featuring Robin as a protagonist is the most violent and bloody of all of The New 52. Plus what is the creative team's fascination with the "FAP" sound effect in this comic? It's also been used in Blue Beetle once. You know I copied it and saved it for later photoshop usage! Hee hee!