Voodoo #9

Please, please, PLEASE don't pass the test!

I've got a pretty good imagination so I'm actually capable of imagining people who loved the Wildstorm Universe.

Fuck, I'm a genius artist! Maybe I should have made this guy love Voodoo since this commentary is about Voodoo! Oh well! I can't fucking control my imagination. I'm drunk! [EDIT: Picture edited to be less broadbrushery for Mangacide. Although, admittedly, I did say I didn't know anything about Wildstorm and that I was drunk. You know, drunk like the crazed fan I drew.]

Last issue, Josh Williamson killed off all of the characters from Ron Marz's run on Voodoo so that he can have complete control over this stupid comic book. Yeah, I'm putting it all out there! This comic book is STOOPID! And the Daemonites? Is that the baddest ass threat the Wildstorm Univers could come up with? You know what? Fuck Wildstorm!

Anybody reading my commentaries might have noticed that I haven't really said a lot about the Wildstorm Universe up until now. That's because I dont' know shit about it. I knew Gen 13 came from there. I knew Stormwatch came from there. Stormwatch is the only comic from the Wildstorm days that I ever read. But mostly, it didn't interest me. And reading Voodoo and Grifter and all the Wildstorm shit Lobdell is adding to his comics has only made me realize I was a fucking genius to avoid this garbage. Grifter and Voodoo suck ass. And not in a sexy way. If sucking ass can be sexy. I think it can be. It depends.

Voodoo is currently searching through the jungles of South America for the Daemonite Yoda. And thankfully, she's completed shed the personality and anguish and despair and curiosity Ron Marz invested her with. Now, she's a good soldier working for the Daemonites! She'll make the prophecy come true, whatever the prophecy is.

Have I mentioned how much I hate comic books relying on prophecies and the like? I believe I have. At least I've bitched about characters' actions being motivated by glimpses of the future. And what is a prophecy except a rumour of the future, amirite?

You know Helspont is powerful because look at all the side boob surrounding him!

So Helspont is Voodoo's yoda. Helspont is also from the Wildstorm Universe. I suppose he was a complete bad-ass over there just like every other character. I think most conversations in the Wildstorm Universe went something like this:

Antagonist: "I'll flippin' cut your throat, you bastard!"
Protagonist: "Whatever."
Antagonist: "Oh, you won't talk so tough when you see what I'm capable of!"
Protagonist: "Is that all you've got?"
Antagonist: "Ewwwwwww! I'll kill you!" *attacks*
Protagonist: *kills Antagonist easily* "Who killed who? Oh yeah. I killed you."
Reader: "FUCK YEAH!"

Look how casual Helspont is. Oh, he's so cool and apathetic. He doesn't take anything seriously! And why has the recent fight with the Kryptonian kept him from taking over the world? Scheduling conflict?

Helspont: "Oh, well, I can't fit in taking over the world because I have to smoosh Superman with a mountain. Hmm, maybe later. If I can be bothered."

Why is Helspont suddenly in South America? His base of operations was just in the Himilayas! I guess since he's all about the apocalypse, he needs to be in Mayan territory for the end of the world.
Oh, speaking of the end of the world as a Fortean, you want to know what that whole thing is about? Forteans knew about the end of the Mayan calendar long before it became the cool thing on the internet to know about. I used to joke with my girlfriend that if the Mayan calender were coming to an end, it must mean the end of the world. As did most Forteans. And then people on the internet got wind of the end of the world thing and the joke spread. And then the Coast to Coast people got hold of it, and it became real shit and they began spreading the joke as if it were real prophecy. Look, people. There is no Mayan Prophecy about the end of the world. It's just where their calendar ended. If someone makes a fucking calendar, it has to end somewhere no matter how far into the future you plan it out. It's still going to fucking end because the calendar maker's wrist is going to fucking cramp up and he's going to go to bed and then he's going to wake up with a whole bunch of Spanish assholes marching in on horses ruining everyone's good time. So everyone trying to sell the idea of a Mayan Prophecy is just an asshole trying to make money. I've got a fucking fifteen year old stack of Fortean Times Magazines sitting here on my desk. Believe me. This joke was old fifteen years ago. That's all it was. A Fortean gag picked up by mainstream assholes and psychic pretenders. The fucking end.

And back to Helspont, the arrogant son of a bitch. When Voodoo kills his guard, he acts all aloof and above it all. "Ha ha! Is killing in my name supposed to impress me? You act as if I care about life." *swoon* He's the baddest assest of all asses that are baddest assiest!

What the fuck is a "desitny," you stupid motherfucker? Is Helspont drunk on virgin's blood?

Helspont, the arrogant asshole, tells Voodoo of the Daemonite City of the Dead! Ooooh! Is she going to have to fetch the Necronomicon and sputter, "Klaatu Barada Niktu" while picking it up? Unless Barada is really Verata. I only know the phrase as the three different Star Wars figures from Return of the Jedi. Anyway, Helspont tells Voodoo all about it.

"The Europa Moon rotating Jupiter?" Is there a generator on Europa that keeps Jupiter spinning? Fuck you, Josh Williamson, for not being able to put a sentence together. I'm ashamed to share Portland's air with you. I wonder if you're going to go see Greg Rucka on the 23rd at the mystery bookstore on Hawthorne! Maybe I should go laugh at you!

Of course Voodoo wants to please her master Helspont, so she jerks him off and offers to fly to Europa to visit the Daemonite city of the Dead. But she's apparently forgotten about the Monolith's warning to leave Europa alone! There's going to be trouble!

But Helspont needs to test Voodoo before he sends her to Europa. That sounds stupid. Just send her to Europa! If she fails, get a different hybrid to do it. If she fails this test, you're not going to just send her anyway on the slight chance she brings back the super secret awesome Dick Dastardly weapon hidden on Europa? Yeah. Just fucking send her. Enough with the tests.

Meanwhile, Priscilla is being tested by Lincoln of the Blackhawks Black Razors. Voodoo passes but Priscilla is still holding back. So Axel Walker is brought in to train her. He's probably from the Wildstorm Universe. Or maybe Josh Williamson thought of him all by himself.

So Helspont has a ship all ready to go. Voodoo hops in and takes off for Europa. Pris feels it and senses Voodoo's plan. Lincoln has a Daemonite ship of his own and he gets together a team of Black Razors to crew the ship while Pris flies it. Everyone is off to Europa for some fun in the distant, distant sun.

Her nose wouldn't bleed so much if she just kept her finger out of it.

Voodoo #9 Rating: -1 Ranking. I hate this comic book.