Harley Quinn #2

I guess it's okay for Amanda Conner to sneak a zombie finger sliding up Harley's clown car. But it would be wrong if Frank Cho drew this, right?

The Commentary!
Tumblr has that "Recommended Blogs" column off to the right on the home page which I sometimes click on but mostly ignore. But I think I need to ignore it forever now because just looking at it depresses the fuck out of me. Thanks, Tumblr, for recommending Monster Man's blog so that I could click over to see some "Monsters Forever" and be greeted with this post:

Hi all, on Sunday, June 12th, the Monsterman passed away. He leaves behind his beautiful daughter and me his loving wife. Running this site gave him so much joy. We will miss him and love him always.

I suppose I shouldn't complain. It's a loving note of tribute and more than anybody will get on my blog when I'm found lying face-down in the cat's litter box, bloated from the gasses of decomposition. It's not like it's Tumblr's responsibility to post warning signs all over the place that life fucking sucks and, to top it all off, it just ends in the complete erasure of your existence. It's not like there aren't little reminders all around us every day which we desperately try to avoid although, when we can't, we frantically try to figure out a way to repress the reminder and get back into our heady, daily denial of the Faustian deal we unknowingly made with the universe! Because don't get me wrong! I'm glad I somehow, improbably, exist to experience all of this! But if the universe had an identifiable set of testicles, I'd definitely kick them as hard as I could.

I wonder if during the years Carl Sagan was battling with cancer if he ever just went into his backyard at night and flipped off the stars. That guy was way too optimistic and chipper. I'd feel better if I knew he had some bad days where he felt the full weight of the universe's mocking betrayal of his curiosity and wonder. Fuck you, universe! Fuck you!

I wish I believed in God because screaming "Fuck you, God!" is so much more satisfying than screaming at the universe. It's like calling the coffee table in the living room a cunt after stubbing your toe on it. I'd rather yell at the person who put it there.

I wonder how many people who believe in God just switched into their own issue after that and started yelling at me, "That's proof! Proof of God! Who do you think put the universe there? Hunh? Hunh? Hunh?!" I'm not falling for your simplistic arguments! If you can believe in a magical being who can do anything (but seemingly does nothing!) who has existed forever then maybe you can imagine matter that has, somehow, existed forever and isn't magical at all. It's just, you know, a mystery! Not God's mystery! Enough with God! Shove God!

At this point, you might be thinking, "Tess? Do you have anything to say about Harley Quinn?" It's a fair question! And a good one to since the answer is "No. No I do not. It's the same fucking comic book every month and I really don't have anything new to say about it!" I suppose I'll try anyway but I'll warn you: my Carl Sagan bit was the best part of this entire entry. It's all downhill from here! Probably. I mean, I haven't written anything else yet (or read the comic book, for that matter!) but I can't see myself being clever from this point on.

How cute! The BLAMs look like a little mushroom!

Hopefully an out of context panel of Harley firing off round after round from her AK-47 wasn't too disturbing for people constantly thinking about the next mass shooting. She wasn't doing anything intentionally horrible with her gun. She was just shooting out the windows of three floors of a hospital and endangering everybody within just to save Redtool's life. She's so thoughtful when it comes to people she knows!

Meanwhile, zombies are ravaging her neighborhood. But it's okay because her Gang of Harleys and all of her friends are safe. The people getting their arms ripped off and their faces bitten off and their legs torn off don't matter. You know how it is! Writers don't have time to write fulfilling conclusions to the story of everybody who just marginally appears in their stories. If they had that kind of time or interest or writing ability, why would they do what they did to Barb Holland in Stranger Things? Sometimes fucking a character in the ass and tossing them in the garbage is the only move an auteur has left, time and money being what they are. You know, time and money!

Luckily for the rest of the DC Universe, the zombies won't go further than a half mile away from the source of the infection: Nate-Man's Hot Dog Stand. I guess the alien that's infected them can't spread itself too thin.

Harley winds up falling off of the roof and into the horde of zombies. Previously, she didn't want to kill them because they're the people in her neighborhood, in her neighborhood, in her neigh-bor-hoooooood! But now she doesn't mind kicking their heads off because remember what I said about non-essential characters? Fuck 'em! They're like the Monster Men in my life! Their deaths only exist to remind me of my own mortality! Although, really, I just wish they'd stop with all of these reminders. But just like me, Harley decides she needs to do whatever she can to survive! In her case, that means having a great time killing her neighbors. In my case, that means playing video games until the constant thoughts of my eventual demise disappear into a flat hum in the background of my brain!

Harley's tits looked pretty good while she fought the zombies though! I didn't want to type that but I've decided to allow my Male Gaze at least one sentence per commentary. I have to pay a daily tithe to my masculinity or it'll go toxic!

Harley gets a few pages of crazy scenes like this as she Dead Risings her way across Coney Island.

Harley is rescued by her friends but then they all wind up trapped in the Bumper Car ring because apparently Nate-man's is a popular place to eat. They're surrounded by hundreds of zombies! It's the end for the heroes! Which is fine because why should they get to live when everybody else is dying? Seems so unfair, not to mention totally contrived.

But wait! One last savior appears and she's really doing the Dead Rising thing! Poison Ivy appears with a table saw blade attached to a weed whacker! Unless maybe it's just supposed to be a weed whacker but since when do those have blades in them? Maybe it's some kind of tree branch trimming tool! I might be able to tell the difference between a spade and a shovel but that's about where my gardening expertise ends. And speaking of endings, this is where the issue ends! What a smooth conclusion! It's like I'm back in high school writing another shitty paper that I was way too proud of! And I was probably just marked down right there for not writing "of which I was way too proud!" Mr. Borror was a dick! May he rest in peace. Probably. I mean, no way he can still be alive, can he?

Apparently he is! 82 years old! I actually really liked him but the dick thing wasn't too far off if you were a piece of shit who wasted his time. Check out his ratings at Mission College (I had him as my high school AP English teacher)!

The Review!
Just because I don't really have much to say about this comic book except that it's formulaic and repetitive, it doesn't mean it can't be enjoyable. It's just the no-calorie rice cake of writing! If you love Harley, you probably love this book. You get to spend twenty pages with her silly antics and cute tush and violent tendencies. It can be a fun ride! It's just a ride that maybe I've been on one too many times and I'm beginning to feel nauseated by it!

Batgirl and the Birds of Prey #1

I didn't realize Batgirl was only twelve.

The Review!
Who else thought the scene where Black Canary screamed at The Asp and drove him off was a reference to Crowther and Woods text adventure game, "Colossal Cave Adventure"? It totally probably wasn't, right? Although it'll be super exciting if Batgirl finds a black rod soon, if you get my meaning! If you don't get my meaning, you're probably too young to understand or too polite to acknowledge it. And I only mean you're too young to understand in that you don't even know what a text adventure game is let alone that the black rod was an item in the game much like a magic wand. If you're too young to get my double meaning, you probably only thought, "So you're hoping she gets some dick from a black guy?" Boy, times sure have changed! And speaking of change, Batgirl and the Birds of Prey has hardly changed at all! Batgirl is still battling female villains or villains that have stolen her identity! And she's still hanging out with Black Canary and pining for dick! I mean Dick! But now she's not being drawn as cutesy as she was when she lived on Burnside. Now she's drawn all punk rock and roll! Or something. I don't know how to get into the conversation about the art without sounding totally sexist so I'm just going to say: I love it! Whew! That totally proves I don't rely completely on my male gaze to inform all of my opinions!

The Commentary!
I was listening to Les Miserables (the musical, not the audio book nor my pet turtle, Les Miserables) last night while working which means I was also crying uncontrollably most of the time while working. But I decided (that means I thought something and just automatically assumed it's the truth because who has time to be wishy-washy in their own belief system?) that the academic upper middle class people love the song "Master of the House" so much because it's one of the few times they get to titter at lewdness. The lyrics in that song would normally be the kind of thing they'd refer to as lowbrow and turn up their noses at while stuffing caviar in their stupid judgmental faces. I'm currently shoving Sour Patch Kids in my stupid judgmental face! I wish fewer people weren't so afraid to be seen as stupid for liking lowbrow humor. Although I think the fact that somebody is afraid of looking stupid for laughing at lowbrow humor marks them as somebody who is stupid due to fearing to look stupid. When you're super smart like me, you look stupid all the time because you don't give a shit who thinks you're the genius you actually are!

This issue begins with Black Canary telling a story about her past where she stole lines from movies to seem cool.

I guess this is what the kids today call "referencing" and it's the height of wit. That was sarcastic unless your first reaction to it was "Don't you do shit like this all the time, Tess?"

Black Canary is remembering this old mission so Oracle can get some on-panel time and all of the Oracle fans can fangasm in their underwear which they'll subsequently have to sneak into the trash to avoid any embarrassing questions. I wish Suicide Squad #1 would have begun with Amanda Waller remembering back to the time Oracle helped the Suicide Squad with their missions! I only wrote that to show that I remember when Oracle was first created and that it wasn't with the Birds of Prey like too many people think. Also I'm stuffing caviar in my mouth right now and scoffing at everybody's ignorance.

But Batgirl's spine is better now so she can physically hunt down the bad guy with Black Canary now which is totally more exciting. Unless you're somebody who liked Oracle for representation reasons and would rather have Babs back in the wheelchair for your own issues and preferences. Seems kind of selfish to me! Us walkies have it so much better! Aside from the having to walk everywhere. What a hassle! And always being invited to join the neighborhood kickball team with all the way too excited people who think they're living the dream by playing a kid's game once every two weeks (while getting super drunk, of course!). And when I take the bus, it doesn't lower way down to the ground and drop a ramp for me! Stupid bus. People in wheelchairs have all the luck.

Batgirl and Black Canary are currently hunting for somebody who has stolen the Oracle identity because Batgirl can't stop battling people pretending to be her. But their one lead is currently being assassinated by Helena Bertinelli, aka The Huntress! So now they're engaged in an exciting motorcycle chase through the streets of Gotham which will probably wind up with their lead, Terroni, not assassinated and The Huntress joining their Birds of Prey project. Because you can't have a comic book called Batgirl and the Birds of Prey when you only have one Bird of Prey!

When they catch up to Terroni, he's dead from bites to the face. Nobody can tell by glancing in the car window what bit him to death so they just shrug their shoulders and leave his corpse in the crashed car to go find another lead. Maybe they're going to hack into the police morgue files later to get the autopsy results to find out if Ratcatcher had anything to do with this. Or Kobra. Or Squirrel Girl. Or maybe the lead just doesn't matter anymore because, you know, dead! But Helena leaves before they can tell her she's hot and she should join their hot girl club. Except their hot girl club isn't as hot as usual because Claire Roe is making a point to draw the characters in a totally punk rock way that makes them more real or something. I think Helena is actually too hot to hang out with these Birds.

Again!

Later that night, Babs and Dinah notice Bab's realtor breaking into Birds of Prey headquarters. But the realtor and the guy she's going to fuck in the clocktower she sold are frightened away by Bab's phone ringing from the bushes nearby. Dinah then shames Babs for using the default ringtone which isn't even a funny thing to tease a friend about. Am I just too old or clever to think that it's hilarious to rib your friends about not changing the ringtone? Especially since maybe it was a telemarketer calling and who changes their default ringtone to acknowledge calls you don't want to answer? Don't you want your phone to sound like every other phone when somebody you don't want to speak to calls so that you might not even notice it's your phone ringing and simply fail to answer it?

Babs didn't get a phone call anyway; she got a text. So what the fuck was Dinah going on about the ring tone for? Am I supposed to believe that people refer to the text alert sound as a ring tone as well? I have no idea! The only phone I carry with me is my work phone which is a twenty dollar burner that I someday hope to ditch when I never have to talk to clients again! I would never carry a cell phone on me, not because I'm old and hate technology. I love technology and, um, I'm not old! I just never want to be in immediate contact with anybody ever.

I should probably stop rambling about cell phones since I know nothing about them. I mean, I know how to catch Pokémon on them and how to feed Nekocats. But that's about it!

The text message Babs receives is from Oracle and it's the most terrible clue a super villain has ever sent to a super hero.

The Riddler should be personally offended by this message.

At least Dinah and Babs forgo the conversation where they point out it's probably a trap and then walk into the trap anyway. It's refreshing to see super heroes just go, "Fucker gave us a clue. Let's go kick his ass."

I don't know what to call them but you know those narration bits which declare the time or the location? In this issue, they've got a sidekick: the trying to be witty caption!

You did not say anything about tacky! You did mention there would be a petting zoo which made me envious so now I think you're calling me tacky?

Batgirl has chosen the role of vigilante and yet she still feels the need to voice her reasons for probable cause of entering the property unwelcomed! Batman would be so disappointed in her. You put on the mask for justice at all costs, not just justice by the rule and law of the land! You might as well leave the mask at home if you're concerned with jaywalking, speeding, breaking and entering, assault, and treason! Don't half-ass being a vigilante, Batgirl! It just gives a bad name to Vigilante!

I've noticed a lot of comic books love to have people add "so-called" to the front of words to turn them into insults even when it doesn't really make a lot of sense. But I think it's okay if I add it to "petting zoo" when I say this mob boss's "so-called" petting zoo has lions and tigers in it. I suppose that can still be regarded as a petting zoo but you probably won't be able to pet anything on your next visit to a petting zoo. Unless you allow "rubbing something with the stump of your wrist" as a legitimate definition of petting. I'm not ableist so I say sure! Why not?

Batgirl and the Bird of Prey discover that the Huntress has arrived at the zoo well before them and is already busy drowning the mob boss in the peeing boy fountain. Of course they have to stop her for her own good. It's okay to have an off-the-rails violent crazy person on the Birds of Prey but only if they keep her from committing murder directly before their eyes.

During the good guy scuffle, it's revealed that Helena knows Dick Grayson which causes Batgirl to go right off of her game because it's tougher to kick with swollen labia. I think. I don't know! I know I have a hard time kicking with a boner! I think. I'm not sure I ever tried it!

Black Canary must sleep on a George Foreman grill

A new player enters the fight who goes by the name The Asp. He travels around with a bunch of serpents and seems to be killing the same mob guys Helena wants to kill. Between Batman, the Bat-Competition, other crime families, and super villains, it's got to be tough being a mobster in Gotham.

The Asp is screamed away which is totally the way I handle encounters with snakes too! So I guess I've been doing it right. Everybody then finds out that some guy named Fenice is causing trouble in the Gotham crime scene and he's a client of Oracles. So The Huntress asks if Batgirl and Black Canary want to work alongside her murdering ass. I bet they say, "Sure! But no more murdering! We can forgive attempted murder which probably means you've murdered in the past. But since we didn't see actual murder, you're probably a good enough good guy for us! Besides, we need a second bird for our Birds of Prey. Can you maybe change your name to Swallow? *snicker*"

Batgirl and The Huntress discuss their terms for working together.

Batgirl: "You're a doody faced doody eater!"
Huntress: "At least I've had Dick in me!"
Batgirl: "So what if I'm a vir...wait a second! Was that dick capitalized?!"
Huntress: "Fifty Shades of Grayson!"
Batgirl: "Why did you...that doesn't even make sense?!"
Huntress: "But it's a reference! The kids love references!"
Batgirl: "Well if I'm going to work with you, you can't look hotter than me or Grump Canary!"
Black Canary: "Hey!"
Huntress: "Even on my worst days, I can't help looking better than you!"
Batgirl: "Well, if I say 'dibs' on a guy, you can't try to take him from me!"
Huntress: "Fine! Like I'd be so desperate that I'd take the one guy you dibsed!"
Black Canary: "Actually, she dibs every guy she sees. No, wait. She 'batdibs' every guy she sees."
Huntress: "Whatever. Fine! I promise not to fuck any guys you've ever laid eyes on (since that's all the laying you'll get anyway), and you promise to not lay eyes on the people I kill!"
Batgirl: "Um, deal!"

Oh hey! Here's the advertisement for the new Cyborg comic book. In my commentary for Suicide Squad Rebirth #1, I said, "Speaking of heroes, there's an advertisement for a twice monthly Cyborg book starting in September. DC Comics is still trying to make Cyborg interesting?! Hasn't Cyborg been given enough chances?! Unless this new book is about how he's sleeping with tons of women due to his new wrist attachment, I'm not interested!" I don't remember if this was the same picture in that first advertisement but if it was, how did I not notice that he does indeed have the new wrist attachment?!

Cyborg? More like Cyborgasm, amirite?!

Black Canary's argument for Huntress joining the team is that she's an extra set of fists. Ooh la la! My male gaze just came in its pants!

Black Canary tells Huntress that she has to tell them her name to join the team but Huntress refuses and Black Canary decides to just call her The Cuntress. I'm sure Babs can just call Dick and find out. Then she can call Huntress "Helena" in the middle of a fight and Helena will become flabbergasted and get punched in the face by Oracle and everybody will laugh. Except Huntress! And the people still angry that I called her The Cuntress!

The Asp goes running back to Fenice who is a woman in a dress that looks like feathers. That's probably because Fenice means Phoenix or something in some language I'm not interested in. That's not an insult to whatever language it is! I'm just not interested in any language! I wouldn't even bother with English if I had my druthers! Although English has some great words like "druthers" and "cunt". So the Birds of Prey are already getting thematic enemies as well as enemies acting like Batgirl and all of them being female to boot! It's just like all the Batgirl stories since The New 52 began! That wasn't a positive or negative criticism. It was just a fact!

Suicide Squad #1

Okay! That's about my threshold for Jim Lee's art! Hopefully the cover was all he could finish before the issue was ready to ship.

The Commentary!
I was recently asked what I feel nostalgic for and one of the main things is probably my twenties. Not for any particular experience alone but for the general mindset of being in one's twenties. It's probably the best decade for an atheistic existentialist. I was an adult in full control of my life and yet, even though I didn't necessarily feel immortal, I knew I could defer mortality for my thirties. My twenties was a time when I knew I would have a whole lifetime ahead of me even after they were over, so why not spend them doing whatever the fuck I wanted? Some people probably get hives reading that attitude toward a person's twenties and think, "But you could have gotten started on your future financial security!" I suppose when I'm in my sixties, maybe I'll think differently about the way I spent my twenties, but I'm more of an eat dessert first and then don't eat the shit you don't want to eat and then maybe have dessert again later kind of people. My twenties were there to do as much acid as I could without the knowledge of my mortality turning every trip into a spiraling disaster of self-pity. My twenties were for traveling, across the country and across Asia, because after leaving home, I didn't have any kind of responsibilities anchoring me to any specific place. But mostly there's a kind of openness to a person's twenties. It's the last time your future is going to be composed of infinite possibilities. When I entered my twenties, I had no idea what my life would be like in my thirties. But as I entered my thirties, I was fairly certain I knew quite a bit about where my life would be entering my forties. And as I entered my forties, I sure as shit know where I'll be when I enter my fifties, unless something completely tragically random happens. That's, you know, always a possibility! Which is why I figured spending my twenties like a rock and roll vagabond was my best bet! I feel like my twenties could have been a disaster and I'd still be nostalgic for the philosophical mindset that I had during that decade of my life. There was a freedom to being able to put your life on hold because there were still many more decades to follow. Being unencumbered, in every sense of the word, meant I was as free as I would ever be. I suppose I could head back up to Snoqualmie and sleep outside on top of a picnic bench in a campground in the mountains while watching a meteor shower to try to relive some memories of the time but it wouldn't be the same. Because back then, I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be and nothing driving me in any direction. Now, I'd be lying there thinking, "Well, I have to get back to work in a few days and probably feed the cat and maybe let the Non-Certified Spouse know that I haven't died and then there's rent and bills and fuck me why aren't I dead already?" Hmm. That turned darker than it should have. I just meant to point out that it's the particular mindset of my twenties that I feel nostalgic for because I can never have that kind of freedom from responsibility and my own mortality ever again.

This issue begins with Amanda Waller contemplating the existence of evil in the world. "Evil" is a loaded word. When religious people want you to admit that evil exists, they mean something far more terrifying than mere actions. I never admit to anybody who asks that evil exists even if I think the things that some people do are evil. Because when asked that question, they're asking about some effusive substance that can enter the hearts and heads of normal men and women and turn them from a righteous and peaceful path. What they're never asking is if some people simply do evil shit because they simply suck. Would I say some act that resulted in any number of people dead an evil act? Sure. Would I go so far as to say the person was evil? Probably not. People are complicated creatures who do a lot of stupid and evil shit for reasons we can never fully understand. But one of those reasons is not that they were infiltrated by some caustic energy that turned them into an evil entity that has lost all humanity. Even many serial killers I wouldn't claim were evil because I understand, somewhat, how minds can be disastrously fucked up for a myriad amount of reasons. Although maybe the Nightstalker, Richard Ramirez, was evil! But that's as far as I'll admit to believing in evil. That dude was scary! Plus he was brought down by a bunch of regular citizens and that makes for a great story about good triumphing over evil! Even though I totally don't believe in evil! Don't fucking argue with me, Soy Rakelson!

Also don't argue with me if you're not Soy Rakelson because a lot of that was just anti-Soy Rakelson sentiment. It's like a callous built up in my brain due to my high school Catholic friend's constant attempts to get me to admit that evil is real so that he could pull me into his religious frame of mind and help save my soul. Why couldn't he just shut up and play Tecmo Bowl in silence?!

So, um, Amanda is thinking about how she's happy to find people to pay the price in her war against evil. That's her sacrifice: finding people to sacrifice. It's a tough job but nobody really has to do it. She just likes doing it. So it's, um, not much of a sacrifice then, is it? But I think it keeps her away from her kids! That's the sacrifice! Whew! I knew there was something there. Thanks artwork for showing that framed picutre of Amanda's family!

This issue is called "I Wanna Be Sedated" because there weren't enough musical cues in the first five minutes of the Suicide Squad movie. Now I'm being told how to feel by a soundtrack in a comic book that I have to sing in my own head!

Just as I thought! Jim Lee is already having trouble drawing an overweight person!

Amanda, Rick Flag, and Katana have come together to build the first team of the series. Amanda tells Katana, "Gimme a five-strong team this time." What the hell is that about? Amanda is allowing Katana to pick who goes on missions? That's not like Amanda at all! She controls everything around her! She manipulates it all! She would never allow...oh! I get it. Amanda knows who Katana will pick and they're the people Amanda wants on the team so she's letting Katana feel like she has some power and control! Oh, Amanda! You're the best! You even made people think the Suicide Squad movie had no plot because it was all about how you convinced the government to fund your group with the help of one of the people in your group you knew you couldn't control and by her losing control, you gained an opportunity to show the government what your team can do while also eliminating the person you couldn't control. Such a fat, fat genius!

I like how Belle Reve is set up in this issue. Amanda has a control center which has access to every cell in the complex. The cells are moved about so that the criminals can be brought to the command center still in there cell. It gives the illusion that a Squad can be made up of any of dozens of supervillains. Of course, we already know most of the characters that will be used over and over again because DC Comics doesn't really know how to best utilize the Suicide Squad anymore. It's still just full of characters that won't be killed and one that brings all the money to the yard.

Wait a second now. Harley Quinn gets to have guns in her cell? And Boomerang his boomerangs? Is the the Belle Reve Hilton?

In the previous scan, Amanda calls the Squad "moral ingrates." What the fuck does that mean? "I'm ungrateful for morals! Nyah!" And, let's face it, what the fuck is wrong with her beginning her speech to them with "criminal filth"? She might as well just spit on them all as she hands out assignments. I guess this shows how much she's sacrificing! She can't stand to be in the presence of these moral ingrates but she'll do it for her country and to save innocent lives! Oh, Amanda! You're such a martyr!

On an irrelevant note, I'm super horny for June Moon.

Deadshot is all pumped to go kill somebody, so he's a good fit for the team. Harley also loves the dirty work so she's not going to give Amanda any problems. Killer Croc's only request is that the Squad doesn't go into space which seems like a really stupid request because what is there to fight in space? Did a Russian get space madness on the international space station and steal one of the American's box of Oreos? And now he needs to be killed for it? But, you know, covertly! Captain Boomerang acts like he doesn't really want to go but he totally wants to go. Also he was called "Captain Boomerang" so I'm about as happy as I'm capable of being with the knowledge that I will one day die. And June Moon is all, "Don't look at my tits! I don't want anybody looking at my tits! Also, why am I in jail, who are you all, what the fuck is going on, can I have a lawyer, and which way to the bathroom?"

The mission is in Russia to retrieve a "cosmic item" and the only way to get there is a suborbital route in a spaceship. So I guess Croc isn't too happy about this. But he'll be happy about the second part which is that the Cosmic Item is being kept in an undersea prison! You know, I think maybe Katana could have chosen some better options for this Squad. Black Manta? Ocean Master? Scavenger? Killer Shark? Carcharo? Come on, Katana! Use your ramen!

The space ship can't land or the Russians might notice it so instead it just drops the Squad from orbit in some kind of reentry merry-go-round. This causes Killer Croc to vomit in his space suit putting him at risk of Jimi Hendrixing. Flag refuses to watch that happen to one of his squad and risks the whole entire rest of the team by screwing up the balance of the falling merry-go-round to save Croc.

See how Deadshot is holding Flag in two different panels and helping him maneuver? He's doing that in his sleep, apparently, because he doesn't wake up until the next page.

I get the feeling that the editors aren't allowed to tell Jim Lee he needs to redraw something he fucked up. Firstly because he'll never have enough time to draw everything if he has to redraw Harley coming out of her cell without guns or Deadshot not helping Rick Flag because he's supposed to be asleep. And secondly because he's the boss of the editors and, in the corporate world, I don't think you're allowed to tell your boss that they completely fucked up everything.

Rick gets June to wake up The Enchantress who winds up not helping at all because she's a total dick. Unless her spell right before impact is actually all that keeps the Squad alive as they punch through the ice and into arctic waters. The story ends after only about thirteen pages with the Squad sinking to the bottom of the ocean. I guess that's one way to make sure Jim Lee makes his deadlines. Just use as much story as he can finish and then shove a Next Issue box at the bottom of his last finished page and stick in some back-up material. The Next Issue box at the end of this story says "Next: Someone literally dies." Well, nobody on the Squad will die. Possibly Enchantress or June Moon. But I'm guessing the someone who literally dies will be somebody they meet next issue because that's a cute trick that won't get fans angry at all. I will say it's nice that they're trying to convince the audience that people will die this time in the Suicide Squad since nobody but Man-Bats and Amanda Waller's assistants died in New Suicide Squad.

The backup story is a Personnel File on Deadshot. It's a story about his past so that we can learn he's got a death wish, probably. He was meant to kill Bruce Wayne for Kobra so he could make ten million dollars. But I'm fairly certain that didn't happen because the story shows him in the present in jail talking with Amanda Waller. She makes sure to mention multiple times how Floyd has a death wish and suicidal tendencies. But she also makes sure to mention that he's trying to do right by his twelve year old daughter Zoe. If it weren't for her, he'd probably end it all. But since he doesn't want to fail her (in his own, weird sense of honor), he can't kill himself. But that doesn't mean he won't look death right in the eye when it comes from some other source, shake its hand, and thank it for doing its job.

Back to the past, Deadshot learns he won't get ten million for killing Bruce Wayne because Kobra thinks he'll do the job for free since they've kidnapped his daughter. I think that just means he's going to kill a whole lot of Kobras for free, actually. Lawton managed to contact Batman and they pulled a World's Finest to save Zoe. He promised Batman he'd use only rubber bullets on the mission but when one of them threatens to kill Zoe, he puts a bullet in the guy's head. Zoe learns her father is a murderer and Batman throws Lawton in jail. Lawton, having disappointed his daughter, didn't care after that. And now he's a member of the Suicide Squad! Lucky!

The Review!
I think they've got the Suicide Squad set-up as close to the original as it's ever going to get again. It's not like Ostrander's Suicide Squad has to happen again, and I don't mind a company taking a different take on a franchise. Ostrander did it himself, right? And he struck gold! But most of The New 52 Suicide Squad was crap at best and more crap at worst, with brief, brief forays into finding itself in surprisingly readable. But I can't say much about how "surprisingly readable" this issue is because Jim Lee sort of curtailed the story from the outset due to his inability to draw twenty pages in a month. So I like the set-up. I can probably live with the characterizations although this issue was so short that Rob Williams was just sticking the most obvious dialogue into their mouths so readers could get at least a bit of a handle on each character and who they are. So Captain Boomerang is the one who drags his feet and doesn't want to play the game. Deadshot wants to die and show off his skills. Harley is crazy and plays Pokémon Go. Killer Croc isn't great at amusement parks. Katana picks horrible people for underwater missions. June Moon doesn't want to be there because--and I'm only guessing at this--she really wants me to be fucking her up against a pinball machine. And Rick Flag loves his team, no matter how jerky they are. So I've got the premise and I've got the characters! Now I just need to figure out what to do with this boner June Moon gave me.

Supergirl Rebirth #1

This is not the end I'm excited to see back!

The Review!
Tonight while playing Call of Duty, a friend of my cousin's thirteen year old son joined our chat. His gamer tag was Marshall Law or something. At one point, he said, "Reading Rainbow," and my friend KCBlueGal began singing the theme song. So he said, "Ha ha! You're old! It was an old trap! You're old!" Which is, you know, annoying because he joined our party and should have some manners. So I said, "You already fell into the young trap by being an idiot." So then he kept bothering everybody to play another game and my cousin's son told him he'd play with him after the game we were playing. So finally we finished and my cousin's son said, "Okay, let's go play whatever," and he left the party leaving his friend. So I said, "Yeah, go sit around and say 'der' to each other." So Marshall said, "You're mean and I don't like you!" before leaving the party. I wanted to tell him, "You started it!", but then remembered I was supposed to be the old one. So instead I felt some accomplishment in knowing the lyrics to Reading Rainbow's theme song. Also in mocking a young kid! I think I probably mostly felt accomplishment in that! He was pretty fucking annoying. And ageist too! Oh, um, Supergirl is going to be totally awesome because it takes place in high school and high school drama is the best drama. Often it involves teenagers mocking adults which is totally hilarious! I mean, um, when it happens to other adults. My feelings are still hurt even if I put up a tough front. Oh! Marshall also said he'd rather be an idiot and young than old! I can't wait until he's an old idiot! Ha ha! Except then I'll probably be dead. Dammit! He wins again!

The Commentary!
Finally! Supergirl's bum is back! And it's going to be drawn by Lupacchino! At least in this first issue. Judging by the art in the Supergirl advertisements, it'll definitely be somebody else who is going to draw her butt too cartoony to be sexy. If that's true, I hope Emmanuela takes every opportunity she can to draw some sexy close-ups of Supergirl's bum!

This comic book is probably going to be its own thing and not a clone of the television series because this isn't the Supergirl comic book being written by Sterling Gates that's based on the television show. But DC is keeping it close enough so that fans of the television show won't be confused when they pick this up. They might be a little concerned that Eliza Danvers, Supergirl's mom, is the one working for the DEO instead of her sister. But they'll probably seen DEO Director Cameron Chase and think, "Oh? Didn't Charisma Carpenter play her in the show? But she wasn't director? Is that really Martian Manhunter under those boobs?"

Supergirl lost her powers at the same time Superman did because...well, I don't want to remember that. It was a dark time in the Superman Mythos which was stupid and stupider. It's better if we all just quietly agree to never mention it again. This issue begins with the DEO firing Supergirl into the sun in the hopes that it will restore her powers. And I imagine it'll work or else this comic book wouldn't be called "Rebirth." It would probably be called "Oops!"

Kara's father is also a DEO agent who isn't dead at all. Their names are Jeremiah and Eliza Danvers and they probably won't survive this issue. Supergirl's ship is using some kind of "Phantom" drive so you know what that means! Lars Lars-on, the horrible monster from Argo City with the Red Kryptonite problem who was locked away in the Phantom Zone, will probably return to cause trouble and not understand what socialism actually is.

Lars Lars-on arrives to blame the wrong people for his current situation. Also, he seems to be a Kryptonian Werewolf.

As Werewolf Lars Lars-on tears the DEO seventeen new assholes, Supergirl flies into the sun and doesn't die. The experiment worked! She's free to flash that bum all over the world again!

I hope Lars Lars-on doesn't just kill Supergirl's parents. I hope it remembers to kill Mike-hole the girlfriend stealing dickpoo too.

Supergirl manages to travel from the sun to the Earth in about ten seconds which isn't enough time for Lars Lars-on to murder her parents. Now how is she supposed to learn about great power and great responsibility and justice! She might as well just learn about hugs and compassion and peace and love! Ptui!

Luckily for Lars Lars-on, his monster tongue enables him to speak rudimentary Kryptonian so Kara is able to calm him down by speaking reasonably with him and in a reassuring tone. She hardly punches him at all! What is this? Some kind of peace and love freak out?! What kind of superhero talks to the bad guys and clears up miscommunications through reasonable means and rational dialogue? Harrumph!

I do like that Kara is wearing a skirt again instead of that weird Kryptonian diaper she wore in The New 52.

Supergirl resists killing the Kryptonian Werewolf just like every werewolf hunter ever should do. And instead of sending him to The Phantom Zone because nobody can think of a solution that keeps the full moon from shining on him once every thirty days, Kara decides he can live in the basement of the DEO until they find him a cure. It's also possible they shoved him in a plastic bubble and medically induced a coma. Hopefully that's not what happened because that's practically just like being in the Phantom Zone.

Kara's parents have only been her parents for a couple of weeks but it's now their job to teach her how to be human. Good! She needs it! Up until now, she thought punching people in the face was an appropriate way to greet them! Maybe she'll also learn that fwashing her vagina at every super villain that comes along is sure to give her a bad reputation...as the most fun party hero in the DC Universe! I guess with her new DEO Family, Supergirl's stories won't be like every third Twilight Zone Episode: all about loneliness.

Based on the pacing of the New 52 Supergirl series, I can see it taking place in just a few months. Now how that fits into the rest of The New 52 continuity, I'm not going to understand even if I try to guess at it which I won't because continuity criticism is for nerds.

Supergirl is now beginning her new life as Kara Danvers, age 16, sophomore at National City Technical High School! She is going to fwash so many guys! And hopefully some girls too!

Meanwhile on the ruins of Argo City, Cyborg Superman displays a penchant for robot necrophilia. I think.

Because this is the end of my commentary, this is usually where I post a picture of Supergirl's rear end and call it a bum. But since Emanuela failed to draw even one shot of Supergirl's bum this issue, here is Cameron Chase's instead.

Titans $ell-out! #1 (1992)

I really should have asked because this comic book is terrible.

This issue marks the passing of the baton from editor Jon “I Love To Add Fake Middle Names To My Name To Make Me Seem Cool and This One Will Be ‘The Titans Need to Be More Like the X-Men!’” Peterson to Rob Simpson. This is the actual baton passing and not the first comic book of Rob Simpson since they’re both listed as editors. Maybe Rob was assistant editor all along. How should I know? It’s not like I have the curiosity or passion to take the previous issue out of the mylar and check! And since both are credited, I don’t know who to blame for encouraging Marv Wolfman to go in this Teeny Titans direction. Who wants to read a cartoon drawn by the letterer?!

The Titans have decided that since they’re constantly being sued and their property is constantly blowing up (usually from crashing into buildings in New York which is why they keep getting sued), they need some kind of revenue stream that doesn’t rely on Batman’s mysteriously deep pockets. No wait. I think they all know Batman is Bruce Wayne, right? He wasn’t that paranoid about his identity back then, right? Anyway, they all knew Nightwing was Dick Grayson and I’m pretty sure they’re all geniuses (except for Beast Boy (er, Changeling)), it wouldn’t be hard to figure out that Batman is Bruce Wayne. So to make money, they sign a bunch of contracts so toy companies and cartoon producers and comic book companies can use their names and images. I don’t know why anybody pays the Team Titans for anything. Nobody knows who they are!

Anyway, the Titans soon realize that they’ve given the green light to use their names and images on truly shoddy merchandise and possibly the most terrible cartoon I’ve ever seen/read. It’s calle Teeny Titans and I suspect they were trying to tie it to the popularity of Tiny Toon Adventures. Except the cartoon’s premise is more like Muppet Babies and the writing is horrible. I wonder if Marv and Jon and Rob and John ever even watched an episode of Tiny Toons?

Apparently this goofy ass shit that I’m fairly certain is supposed to be funny continues in the next issue of Deathstroke the Terminator where he is dead. So, um, ha ha?

New Titans #93 (December 1992)

I’m not sure why this is the final issue of “Titans $ell-out” because nothing is really resolved. The Titans are getting royalty checks and fan mail and have just moved on with their lives. Leonid is about to take Cyborg back to Russia to finally get him that exciting personality he’s been missing for so long (spoiler alert: he has yet to find one) but that’s about all that happens, plotwise. The main point of this issue is the Starfire centerfold inserted into it for all the young males and lesbians to jerk off to. But it was really Mirage, so don’t think Starfire has become a total cumdumpster just yet! That doesn’t happen until The New 52's Red Hood and the Outlaws #1. Not that being a cumdumpster is a bad thing! I’m not judging! How can I judge when I’m a filler of cumdumpsters? One could do worse than be a filler of cumdumpsters! That’s Frost again!

Judging by the amount of boners Changeling pops in this issue, Mirage as Starfire poses for some pretty nasty pictures in this magazine. I should probably post the centerfold, right? For, you know, feminist research purposes!

Why doesn't she have super long pubes?

Also in this issue: another terrible Teeny Titans cartoon.

I feel like this is the first issue Jon Peterson was definitely sacked from and Marv Wolfman was allowed to take control again. Mostly because we’re headed back into Marv Wolfman territory. He’s planning on reestablishing Cyborg as a character instead of a leashed, non-threatening, defanged . . . um, I don’t like where this is going. Plus Phantasm winds up back in Azaroth where he’s destroyed by some creature with whom he’s familiar. So whoever that is, it’s definitely going to be a character Marv Wolfman thought was taken away from him by editorial and he wants that character back. So it’s probably Joseph but I suppose it could be the person the comic book wants you to think it is: Trigon! Or maybe Raven housing Trigon’s soul and sucking on Joseph Wilson’s, um, sideburns?

Maybe this whole batch of “sell-out” themed issues was just Marv Wolfman’s reaction to Jon Peterson’s attempt to simply turn DC’s Teen Titans into an clone of the X-men? So he concocted this whole Sell-out thing as a fuck you to Peterson on his way out. “Thanks for fucking up my comic book, asshole! Now I’m going to make Changeling call a couple of women ‘sloppy seconds’! Try and stop me now, asshole!”

I embrace my vulgar, low brow humor and even I wouldn't call a woman "sloppy seconds." Cumdumpster, sure! But sloppy seconds? So uncouth!

Abra Kadabra! (as seen in Titans #1)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Unknown
Occupation: Former Stage Magician, now Professional Criminal [Really? Now? As if it isn't a crime already to pay people to watch magic.]
Marital Status: Unknown [Come on! He's a magician! Obviously unmarried. And a virgin.]
Known Relatives: None
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: 20th and 64th Century Earth [He might have the biggest base yet!]
First Appearance: FLASH #128
Height: 6'6" Weight: 195 lbs.
Eyes: [Magical! Um, I mean] Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
Frustrated by a lack of audience acceptance in his native 64th Century, since the superscience of that time made his magic tricks commonplce, Kadabra stole an experimental time machine and journeyed to the 20th Century to become a star. After failing to attract an audience in the traditional manner [Annoy the fuck out of people on the street until you can get a membership to the Magic Castle?], Kadabra used his futuristic scientific knowledge to commit a series of daring robberies [So instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to perform what our limited knowledge would think of as magic, or instead of using his knowledge of futuristic science to patent a shipload of technology that could help the world, he uses his knowledge of futuristic science to rob convenience stores?], forcing his victims to applaud his criminal actions [Oh, okay. I get it now. Totally makes sense.], thus providing Kadabra with the acclaim he so desperately craved. Originally, Kadabra stole merely to gain attention [but now he needs to pay rent and shit too?], but he now devotes much of his time attempting to gain vengeance on his archenemy, the modern (Barry Allen) Flash (see The Flash).

POWERS & WEAPONS
Kadabra uses 64th Century science, specifically in the areas of teleportation, telepathy, and telekinesis, the science of the mind over matter [Or, you know, bullshit.], to perform acts which seem truly magical. He often channels his powers through a slim magic wand, but this is merely an affectation [Hipster!] and is not necessary. Kadabra's forte appears to be effecting bizarre physical transformations on his foes (i.e., turning The Flash into a living wooden puppet).