Stalker! (as seen in Sword of Sorcery #4)

Part 12 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

Personal Data
Alter Ego: Unknown [And unpronounceable!]
Occupation: Warrior [The New 52: Sad and lonely king.]
Marital Status: Single [The New 52: Widowed.]
Known Relatives: None [The New 52: His baby's great x 10,000 grandchildren.]
Group Affiliation: None
First Appearance: STALKER #1
Base of Operations: Geranth
Height: 5'8" Weight: 145 lbs
Eyes: Red Hair: Black

History
"A nameless youth, tossed out of his own home as a child, he grew up on the streets of Geranth, a city in the cold wastes of a barbaric world. Having abandoned all hope, he offered a prayer at the temple of Dgrth, the god of warriors. Dgrth answered his prayer, and offered the youth the power and skill of a great warrior in trade for his soul [That's a much better trade than The New 52 Stalker made!].

Taking the name Stalker from Dgrth, the youth accepted, believing he would have no need for his soul when dead [Seems like that's the only time you would have need for it. If it, you know, existed!]. However, Dgrth took his soul and left him alive, but cursed and empty despite his new power [So he filled the emptiness with drugs and pornography?].

Stalker pursued Dgrth into hell itself to undo the bargain, freeing an army of the damned to battle the warrior god. Driven to the point of despair, Dgrth admitted he would gladly return Stalker's soul to be free of the mad youth--but he lacked the power to do so [Worst god ever. Lacks the power to undo something he did? Is beaten by the same guy he gave power to? Was driven to despair by a crazy mortal kid constantly haranguing him?].

Dgrth claimed to be an elder god, living on the souls and prayers of those who believed in him. As long as one person remained alive who worshipped [sic] him, Stalker's soul would be Dgrth's. Stalker vowed to do the impossible and banish evil and war from this world [I think I saw this story on Xena!], if that was what was required to free his soul. If Stalker died before accomplishing that task, Dgrth swore he would have the most awful damnation in the history of the dead.

Whether Stalker succeeded in his quest has not yet been recorded [And apparently never will be. Which is too bad because this Stalker sounds much more interesting than his New 52 version.]

Powers & Weapons
Stalker was granted mastery of all forms of combat, the eye of a marksman with any weapon, and the gift of the hunter to follow any trail unhampered and undetected.

Sword of Sorcery #4

How does the creature with the mouth full of teeth not bite it's tongue?

I think last issue ended with Amethyst being summoned to Earth to help out Justice League Dark in their Annual. It ended up being a lot less "helping" and a lot more "getting the word out that Amethyst has her own comic book series." I don't believe that series ever dealt with her return to Gemworld so that part of the story should end up here. That's actually a pretty effective way to deal with the crossover. If you're reading both, that is. If you're not reading both, you might just be confused by how this story plays out. But I'm sure there will be a nice, helpful Editor's Note to keep things moving.

This next paragraph can be skipped if you don't care about the relationship between my Blogspot version of this blog and my Tumblr version! I'm now typing these posts in Blogspot's editor whereas I had been typing them in the Tumblr editor. Tumblr recently changed its format and while I don't mind it, it currently has a bug that doesn't let you edit your previous posts. Well, you can edit the first line of your post or the last line of your post, but that's not actually any fucking help at all. On the plus side, I'll now be editing my posts on Blogspot so they don't maintain a record of all of my stupid grammar mistakes and missed words and other typos. My Tumblr posts will also be edited because one thing I can still do is copypasta the edited text from here to there. So all in all, a mistake by Tumblr's programmers has probably improved the reading quality of my Blogspot blog. Now I just have to edit the previous 900 posts so I don't look like an idiot when I type "meat" for "meet".

Now that everybody is thoroughly bored with the non-essential, mundane, technological aspects of my comic book odyssey, let's dive into Amethyst! Hmm. I think I just turned myself on a little bit.

I'd like to see these two go out for coffee sometime. Get to know each other a little better. Watch as Constantine uses her to save his soul while breaking her little teenaged heart.

One of the reasons I'm glad for some interaction between these two is that Amethyst knows nothing about John Constantine except what she's seen in the couple of issues of Justice League Dark she was in. She kind of knows he can't be trusted and that he smokes a lot and that he's casually very good at the magic. But he obviously knew about her enough to get his hands on her crystal. Dammit. Inadvertent arousal again.

His matter of factness and casual bearing are just so refreshing. It's no wonder he's long been one of my favorite characters.

John drops some hints that Amethyst's mom acted pretty wild when she returned to First World years ago. It put her on his radar and he's been keeping an eye on her ever since. Not surprising since he has notes on everybody in the DCnU in his office in the House of Mystery. Before John can give the crystal back to Amethyst, she has a favor to ask. Seeing as how the House can go anywhere and she's been stuck eating Gem Stew for the last week, Amethyst wants to take a detour to Chicago for some pizza. And who is Constantine to say no? I think his motto is if you're going to horribly use and abuse someone at a later date (this includes everyone John ever meets), you need to make them think you're the nicest, sweetest guy in the world during those times you don't need to bargain their soul to save your own.

If a guy in a lift says he'll snog your fanny for a fag, don't do it! Or do do it? Maybe ask him for a little clarification first.

After Amethyst stops looking fucking adorable eating her deep dish pizza (Instant fan of Travis Moore and Karl Story from just a few pages! Where have these guys been hiding?!), she walks out of the Pizzeria (or Pizzaria according to the front window of the pizza place) and is instantly pulled down through a devil's circle some careless child chalked onto the sidewalk.

Held captive by two demons, Amethyst reappears in an office building where a woman tells her she wants her magic necklace. It would be really terrific world building on DC's part if this were Brenda's aunt from Blue Beetle! She and her house and her magic artifacts all disappeared months ago in a mystic conflagration. Her reappearance could be explained later. I just think it would be great if this were her still seeking it out mystic artifacts. And this woman has a nice collection of her own! She's the head of a corporation in Forbes' Most Powerful Top 500. Was that what Brenda's aunt did? I can't even remember her name! Or her Mexican mafioso nickname!

"CEO Sorceress." I like that! For breakfast today, I'm going to the Cup and Saucer around the corner which my non-certified spouse and I call the Cup and Sorcerer.

The CEO Sorceress refuses to take the necklace by force because magic always has strange prices and weird protections. So she wants Amethyst to hand it over freely. But I don't know if she actually knows what "freely" means since she's going to try to threaten and intimidate her into handing it over. She begins by threatening to have demons rip apart a whole bunch of her recently laid off employees if Amethyst doesn't cooperate. Amethyst's response is so perfectly teenaged girl:

I take that back. Gender doesn't even come into it. This is just pure teenager.

Of course Amethyst gives up the necklace because she's a "do-gooder." Afterward, she's tossed in the demon buffet along with the workers. Sheesh, Amethyst. Every other character in the DCnU would have put up a fight whether they needed to or not! Now that you go and try the reasonable thing and get fucked for it, you're just making it seem like throwing punches is the best first choice! I mean, I know it's not YOUR fault. But come on! You could have transformed and put up a fight! It's not like this CEO Sorceress was pretending to be good. She has a room full of demons! You don't give up your power that easily. I feel so strange! What's the word where you're both proud and disappointed of someone at the same time? Oh yeah! Parent!

The greedy woman's name is Ilene which means she's not Amparo Cardenas, Brenda's aunt. Lord Google helped me find her name! Although I had to snog his John Thomas for the information.

Ilene puts on the necklace and transforms into Amethyst, the Really Weathered and Stressed Out Older Than You'd Suspect Princess of Gemworld! But even though she's now dressed like Amethyst, she doesn't know how to wield the power. I'm pretty sure that's because the power is in Amethyst and the stupid necklace just instantly changes your clothes for you. Oh! That probably means Amethyst didn't give up her power at all!

What's the word when you have inadvertent sexual feelings for an underage fictional comic book character? Oh yeah! "Parent!" I mean, "Pervert!"

Amethyst kicks major demon fanny (this time I'm using it like an American would since most of the demons seem to be missing their genitals. But they still have buttocks!) and forces Ilene to give the necklace back. Then Amethyst breaks Ilene's Demonic Dildo and Ilene is pulled into her own portal and down into hell. If she somehow survives, I think Amethyst has made a powerful enemy on First World. She then calls Constantine to come help clean up.

John lets Amethyst know that if she uses the crystal herself, she'll never be able to come back to Earth. He says it in that way that makes it seem like he's giving her a choice but he's really only doing it because he knows he's going to get to keep the crystal (as well as all of Ilene's other mystic goodies). So Amethyst allows him to transport her back to Gemworld so that he'll have the crystal and she'll have a way back to Earth.

These two have a bit of a Dr. Who and his companion thing going on. I like it!

This has been the best issue of Amethyst so far. I really loved the dialogue between Amethyst and John. And the way she handled Ilene really showed her intelligence, strength, and patience. Fuck the heroes that lead with their fists! Bloody good issue, this one.

But I still have the back-up story to read! But first a break! Smoke me a kipper, I'll be back, um, after breakfast!

The back-up story stars Stalker, The Man Without A SOUL! It takes place a long, long time ago in a distant land where they speak an "unpronounceable and long-dead tongue."

Although his religion seems to have some suspiciously familiar trappings.

Stalker's god does not answer his prayers but a weird trespasser in brown robes offers to save Stalker's family for a small fee. Just a half-dozen Goldoons (TM Places & Predators!) and his soul. Stalker readily agrees because what could possibly go wrong? It's obvious he didn't read DC Universe Presents #16 or he'd know that deals with strange strangers usually have unexpected consequences.

The Stranger healed his pregnant wife but she died in childbirth many months later. His child lived but Stalker could not lay eyes on the cause of his wife's death. He had sold his soul for only a few short months of happiness. What an idiot! Trading your soul for somebody's current health is like trading your soul for a few ice cubes on a really hot day. I guess he'll just have to console himself with the fact that souls are imaginary, so he got a few more happy months with his wife and it didn't cost him anything! Or he could instead kick the jerk's ass that tricked him.

Well hey! At least he gets to be immortal out of the deal. Not bad!

Stalker wandered around for centuries finding nothing better to do with his time than kill. He killed and he killed and he killed. I guess because he had no soul or something. It's a little vague. I think his main motivation was boredom though. But after all the killing, he finally ended up in the present where he met up with the guy that owns his soul once more.

Weird that The Boss needed a man from a long, long, long time ago to do a job in the present. Good workers really must be hard to find.

Sword of Sorcery #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. While the back-up story was mediocre at best (especially with making the guy immortal just to meet up with him in a bar in the future for a job that I imagine will have to do with Stalker's past or else, who cares?), Amethyst's story was a lot of fun. Too bad Constantine won't be a regular player in it though. I've enjoyed Amethyst the most when she's been on Earth and now she's going back to Gemworld. And the new art team! Fantastic! The style is perfect for this book. I hope it continues to be lighthearted and fun. And adorable.

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning & Blue Devil

The Creature Commandos have their title cancelled and already these movie monster scabs are trying to take their place.

Last issue Blue Devil had his suit of demon skin stolen by Nebiros. But since the skin was originally Nebiros's skin, I guess that's technically not stealing. But Black Lightning wasn't definitely more than technically shot by Tobias Whale. Delightning (that's the team of Blue Devil and Black Lightning! I'm sure DC wants this duo to be called Black & Blue but I prefer Delightning) tracked down Tobias Whale and Nebiros because they wanted to stop their drug running operation. They also wanted to save Black Lightning's dad. But they might have failed because Black Lightning is now mortally wounded and Blue Devil is naked.

I should probably say Daniel Cassidy is naked because the Blue Devil suit (skin) was torn apart when Nebiros tried to stuff his fat ass into it. Apparently he's gained a few inches since he had his skin torn off by Etrigan. Feeling fat and not so pretty, Nebiros can't handle killing Daniel Cassidy on his own right now. So he brings some of the wax figures to life so they can tear Daniel apart.

Fucking scabs. This is why Frank, Griffith, and Velcoro lost their jobs! Bastards.

I haven't forgotten about Black Lightning but since he's bleeding out on the floor, his story just isn't as exciting as Cassidy being attacked by old time movie monsters. But I should probably see what else is going on since Tobias Whale hasn't forgotten about him either. Whale goes to put an end to Black Lightning when Black Lightning decides to give up on his non-killing philosophical viewpoint. He's dying so why shouldn't the guy who killed him die as well?

See? See you in hell is the type of thing you say to someone you're intending to kill.

Cassidy realizes Black Lightning is dying and how the fuck can he go on with the sassy name of Delightning if his partner dies. I guess Lightning is still trapped somewhere in The Red. If he finds her, he could keep up the nickname. But it would probably be easier to save Jefferson Pierce. With that in mind (yes, he contemplated all of that. It's so obvious), he slides back into the torn apart Blue Devil skin and it reattaches. Now he has enough magic to destroy the monster scabs and illegally hunt Whale and send Nebiros back to hell and heal Black Lightning and untie Black Lightning's dad and massage his wrists and get him a glass of water.

Says the gigantic green demon from hell.

Except he apparently doesn't have the time or the power to save Black Lightning from death. But Nebiros does. So Blue Devil makes a deal with Nebiros: Nebiros will heal Black Lightning if Blue Devil lets Nebiros live. Blue Devil accepts. Now Blue Devil has even more reason to have his own comic book. He's got a warehouse full of dangerous yet humiliated magical artifacts that can cause a lot of trouble and he's got an arch-enemy that wants him killed. And, of course, if he allows Black Lightning to tag along, the comic can be called Delightning. We all win! And by we I mean me.

Black Lightning is revived but he's a complete douchebag now. Nebiros added a twist of evil to him when he brought him back. But isn't that always the way? There's a cost to this stuff and nothing ever comes back the same. You reap what you sow and then the cat fucking stinks to high heaven. All of that stuff. But Blue Devil isn't going to let Nebiros get away with it! He decides to back out on his deal as well. Although technically Nebiros didn't back out. And I guess technically Blue Devil isn't either! He's letting Nebiros go but in the body of Tobias Whale.

I'm not sure what he did with Tobias Whale's soul. It might have been stored in his trident.

Everything works out for the people things are supposed to work out for (not counting Dan Cassidy's grandfather who is still dead). And the issue ends with "The Beginning!" Oh, how terribly trite.

DC Universe Presents #16: Black Lightning and Blue Devil Rating: No change. I would have enjoyed more funny dialogue in this series but, hey, you can't be funny all the time! Look at my blog. 1000 posts and maybe 5% make me really laugh. And entertaining myself is the most important thing in the world. And I don't just mean my world. All you slackers out there on Earth need to get busy entertaining me. Stop being so boring! The people I follow on Tumblr and those that follow me and/or comment on my commentaries are excluded from the "boring" label because you are entertaining me. And I thank you!

Besides the not being as funny as I would have liked, this comic did a lot of things right. Minus the Kid Flash episode, the stories in DC Universe Presents have been very good at telling a concise story introducing characters to the New 52 and setting up a broader storyline that can continue to be told in the future. "The Beginning" ending might very well be trite but it is reasonably true as well. There was a lot of material presented in this three issue arc that could easily be mined to support an ongoing monthly series. Good job!

Nightwing #16

Dick puts the "muse" in adult entertainment.

In this issue, Nightwing confronts the Joker in amusement mile and ends up captured and at the Joker's mercy as the Joker teases him with a glimpse of what is under the cover of his serving tray.
That's also what happens in Red Hood but change out the hero's name and the location. That's also what happens in Teen Titans but change out the hero's name and the location again. So that's three comic books I don't even need to comment on since they're all running the same formulaic plot simply to get all of the Bat-family to The Joker's party in Batman #17.

What am I going to do with all of this free time now that I've done three commentaries in two paragraphs? Maybe I'll put on some pants and go outside!

Ugh. No. I think I'll just stay inside and read comic books.

The introduction to Nightwing sounds ominous. "But when the boy became a man, he left the Batcave and now serves his own brand of justice!" This sounds like the origin of some guy that was sexually assaulted as a child and then became some kind of Punisher-type anti-hero that goes around castrating sexual predators. Or is that just me? Was that interpretation more about me than the actual quote? Was that a bit of a "My Last Duchess" moment? Maybe I should just move on.

Nightwing heads back to Amusement Mile in a panic that The Joker has the little girl from Haly's Circus held hostage. Oh, along with everybody else from the circus as well. It's just that Nightwing promised the little girl that he'd keep them all safe and, well, it would be really awkward to have to look her in the eye at this point. Unless she's already been killed. That would be a relief.

The Joker is the perfect foil to Batman since he can also be in fifteen places at once. Maybe this is just a prerecorded message while he marries Babs and torments Damian with the local karate instructor.

The Joker has dug up hundreds of corpses and had them arranged in the stadium at Amusement Mile. Dick still believes that The Joker knows his secret identity and he still thinks it's Batman's fault and that Batman has been lying to the entire Bat-family. But The Joker reveals that the stuff he knows about Nightwing is stuff anybody paying attention could have figured out. Nightwing has appeared in every major city that Haly's Circus was currently in. That's a bit of a clue that he's tied to the circus, isn't it? It also explains why The Joker would choose Raya as the Nightwing knockoff without The Joker having to know Dick and Raya's relationship.

What is it about Dick and Bruce that makes them constantly do public things as their alter egos that links them to their secret identities? Batman and Wayne Enterprises are inextricably bound together because of Batman, Inc. Nightwing has now made his associations with Haly's Circus pretty obvious to someone paying close enough attention. The main reason for having a secret identity is to protect the normal people in your life. By having any kind of public connection to any person or corporation, it puts them at risk. So Batman dealing with Bruce Wayne's company puts everybody at Bruce Wayne's company at risk just as much as if a criminal knew Batman was Bruce Wayne. Which is why Alfred was kidnapped. And the same thing has now happened with Dick and Haly's Circus. The Joker doesn't have to know that Dick Grayson is Nightwing to hurt the people close to Dick because Dick has made the connection between Nightwing and Haly's Circus obvious by having too close of ties with them.

That was convoluted. But the point is simple: super heroes that have secret identities need to remain completely cut off from all public associations. It's like Alcoholics Anonymous! They remain free from any ties to any politics or corporations or anything that could sully their simple message of helping people manage their lives. I have some philosophical issues with Alcoholics Anonymous but I admire that they try to remain self-contained and don't get involved in other bullshit. Well, maybe some chapters do! You can't speak for every group when every group is self-funded and run independently from the larger organization.

And then The Joker decides to shut the fuck up and get serious for a second.

Goodbye Amusement Mile! Goodbye dream! Goodbye Dick Grayson's trust fund!

Is this a good enough message for you, Nightwing? The Joker doesn't fucking want you in town. Batman is his. And anyway, was this really such a good idea? I was expecting the Ferris Wheel to be turned into a giant, rolling, flaming wheel of death at some point. But so soon? Come on, Dick. This is still Gotham. You knew it would end this way. Give up on dreaming, big boy. It's a dead end! It's a sucker's game! Just tuck your little birdie tail between your legs and slouch off to The Joker's surprise party for Batman. Dick Grayson's life as you knew it is over.

Except you probably got the insurance, right? Even though I'm sure Insane Super Villain Insurance Premiums are probably sky high in Gotham. But I bet you couldn't even begin improvements on Amusement Mile until you had the insurance! So after Death of the Family blows over, you can probably rebuild the park. But you might have a little trouble rebuilding the trust between yourself and your Haly's Circus family.

Thankfully, Dick probably won't have to deal with rebuilding that trust.

Awkward!

Kyle Higgins is really playing this as if The Joker knows who Nightwing is. And I believe he does because Nightwing hasn't made a terrible effort to separate his Nightwing persona from Dick Grayson's interests. Maybe it was Nightwing's fault that The Joker figured out everybody's identity! Because it isn't difficult to go from learning Bruce's ward is Nightwing to Bruce is Batman.

Oh for fuck's sake! It isn't difficult for anyone to realize Bruce Wayne is Batman! I'd be surprised if The Joker as well as 85% of Gotham didn't already know! And meanwhile Superman is teaching Wonder Woman how to have a secret identity by wearing glasses and putting her hair in a pony tail! How naive are these assholes?

Dick's Jokerized friends incapacitate him and he's hauled off by The Joker to what looks like it could be the Batcave. And then he's presented with the secret entrée that nobody ordered.

If there's a steak under there, it had better be from Alfred's flank and not Batcow's!

Nightwing #16 Rating: No change. This issue makes it pretty clear that if The Joker doesn't know the Bat-family's secret identities, he's not really making an effort to think things through. He knows Nightwing's connection to Haly's Circus so he knows Nightwing and Dick Grayson are connected. He obviously knows Batman's connection to Bruce Wayne enough to kidnap Alfred. He knows where Red Robin lives in New York. He knows that Jason Todd spends his time on an island amidst the wreckage of a Tamaranian starship. And he seems to know that Batgirl has a connection to the Gordons. Seems like The Joker might know something!

At this point, it's just ridiculous that everyone blames Batman because The Joker somehow found his way into the Batcave. The connections between Bruce Wayne and the other members of the Bat-family are so fucking obvious that somebody as obsessed with The Batman as The Joker would eventually figure it out. Anybody with the ability to count could figure out Bruce Wayne and his wards/adopted children/whatever were Batman and his Robins! Right?

I know, I know! I allow myself to say things like this as if I were a civilian who doesn't get it. But of course I do! I'm a comic book reader! I absolutely allow myself to believe that the secret identity is a thing that only other good heroes could ever figure out. As readers, we all accept, unquestioningly, that bad guys suck at noticing that stuff! Even Lex Luthor is too dumb to notice (or else he just doesn't have any fucking clue who Clark Kent is!). So having The Joker possibly know their identities has actually been a fun story. Although the more likely it seems he knows, the less I want to believe it! I keep hoping that somehow Scott Snyder is going to show how The Joker was able to do everything he did without knowing their identities and it will all make sense!

Blue Beetle #16

In this issue, Sky Wanker is squicked to death by Blue Beetle.

One of the strangest parts of commenting on comics is that the audience for comic books has a high nerd content. The nerd part isn't the problem. We're all totally nerdy about something and I fit into most of the major categories. The problem is the propensity to inform and correct. A lot of the time, I go for a joke by pretending to be ignorant of some given fact. Sometimes it's obvious and sometimes it's subtle. But people feel the need to correct me anyway. Even when I use exclamation points! That's usually a clue that I'm being facetious! But it isn't always! Sometimes it just means I'm trying to be exciting!

I just thought I would point out that the previous happens a lot. It doesn't bother me and I wouldn't want people to stop either! Because sometimes I really don't know what the fuck I'm talking about and I appreciate the correction! That exclamation point means that I totally don't appreciate the correction at all and who says I don't know shit? Stop talking about me behind my computer screen, you gossipy jerks! Now I need to think of some way to pretend I didn't just spaz out and begin writing about Blue Beetle.

Maybe if I just post a picture. That should get things started!

How about one of me in the most awesome shirt ever about 33 years ago? I've been a big science fiction nerd for longer than most of your parents have been alive! Somebody should have told this kid to stop fucking around!

As you can see by the shirt, this child would probably have loved the Blue Beetle comic. And then he would have cried his eyes out when he was told it was cancelled. Well, you little shit. It's over! Blue Beetle is cancelled! Live with it because what else can you do? Rage, rage against the canceling of this brilliant comic book. Possibly the best comic book DC ever released!

It's amazing how beautiful things look through the foggy glass of imminent loss. Even Legion Lost's last issue was kind of decent!

This issue begins deep in the past. It's creating a fond nostalgia for things the reader has never really experienced. But with endings on the reader's mind, he can't help but feel the loss of a more innocent time, a time when Jaime's life was easy and carefree.

When I was that little boy in the earlier picture, I used to go out in our driveway at night with a flashlight and shine it up into the sky. I would wonder at how far the light was traveling into the sky. I obviously couldn't see the beam going up too far but I would wonder where it was going. Was my tiny diffuse beam even penetrating space? And then I would inevitably wonder who might be seeing it. Were there alien beings taking notice of my signal? And if so, would they investigate? What might their intentions be? And then I'd click off the flashlight and run up the stairs and into the house, my skin covered in gooseflesh. But no matter how frightened the speculation made me, I would invariably wind up outside with my flashlight doing the same thing days later.

Jaime is currently dressed in his Blue Beetle armor far away from Earth on the planet Tolerance. He's been captured by Lady Styx's Ebon Guard and is about to be forced to participate in the greatest reality show in the universe: The Hunted! Jaime is not very excited about the sudden fame and lack of fortune.

I can't even say he hasn't met the right aliens yet. They almost all really, really suck.

Blue Beetle puts up a fight but it doesn't do much good. He's just a below average high school student and the parasitic bug that's attached to his spine is brain damaged. So their tactics could use some work. Plus, Jaime never wanted to fight, remember? Oh, you don't remember because I didn't scan that panel in. Well, lying on the grass, Jaime said he didn't want to fight and Brenda told him not to ever change. Probably because she liked having him as a friend and if he changed, he'd probably turn into a hormonal pervert that was constantly thinking of her really cute ass. And her freckles too. Although Marcio Takara has something against drawing freckles. Whatever.

As Blue Beetle begins to realize he's being inducted in an outer space version of Battle Royale (Good choice, Jaime! Screw The Hunger Games! Although I haven't it yet or seen the movie), Sky Wanker drops in and starts whooping some Ebon Guard ass! I'm pretty sure they have asses. If they don't, I don't want to know how they eliminate waste. Maybe through the pores in their skin which is why they're a dark blackish blue color?

Meanwhile on Earth, Marcio remembers the freckles!

She's so cute! Not as cute as Ig Guara's version of her. And not as adorable as Sorentino's Vampire Tig! Please nobody tell Vampire Tig that I was admiring another woman!

That's everybody Jaime knows receiving emails and video recordings and texts from him. I don't know what that's about. Maybe the Scarab is letting them all know that Jaime is dead so that they'll leave him alone once and for all and the Scarab can manipulate Jaime into destroying the world. Or maybe somebody stole Jaime's phone (probably Booster Gold! Fucking time traveling thief!).

Once Sky Wanker saves Blue Beetle, Sky Wanker ends up in a couple dozen pecks of trouble. And Blue Beetle can't leave another human to be torn apart by aliens. Even if that other human is thousands of years old and should be dead and is in love with a suit of alien armor and keeps wanting to shove the scarab into one of his various orifices. It really has gotten nearly that graphic.

Maybe Jaime can introduce Sky Walker to his grandmother?

The message to Jaime's friends and family was from Blue Beetle letting them know that Jaime is not dead and that he'll be home as soon as he can. He tells them all that he loves them and to take care of themselves. So of course instead of being comforted, everybody is now extremely worried for Jaime. And they should be. Because Sky Wanker is killed and Blue Beetle's battle doesn't turn out so well.

I bet I forget to slap Ted Kord's face on him when he begins appearing in Threshold!

Blue Beetle #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This series was wrapped up really well. Sure Jaime is still stuck a gadzooksillion miles in space and his family is worried and Brenda didn't show her ass once in this comic book. But it's nice to see a comic book end on such a downer while being true to everything that has gone before. And Blue Beetle will continue in Threshold! I hope Tony Bedard continues to write any Blue Beetle back-up stories when they appear. I don't imagine he'll get the top spot in any issues any time soon since his comic book was canceled and readers might not look too kindly on DC sneaking a canceled super hero directly into a new title.

Bye Brenda! I'll miss you!

Green Lantern #16

Would the inclusion of B'dg make this cover too silly? If you're going to seriously include a space squirrel in your drama, at least allow him on the cover in serious moments.

The very first text box in Green Lantern #16 says, "This takes place before Green Lantern Corps #16." You know what would have been helpful seeing as how both Green Lantern Corps #16 and Green Lantern #16 came out the same week? If Green Lantern Corps had begun with a box saying it took place after Green Lantern #16! At least Green Lantern Corps #16 didn't rely too heavily on plot points that the reader couldn't extrapolate for himself after the events of Green Lantern #15. But this is still an example of the DC Editors fucking up. Very slightly. But still! A fuck up!

What a sassy space squirrel.

For an organization that's millions of years old (unless it's just thousands), you'd think they'd be prepared for recruitment better than they are. B'dg acts like this is the first time a Green Lantern has received a ring without proper training. The way the ring recruits, you would suspect this to be the norm. It's not like the battery goes flying about with the ring on the trip to find a new bearer. How many recruits are killed without realizing the ring can run out of power and decide to take a short flight through space when the power gives out? There are some severe safety issues with this item. And the Guardians are way too pompous to care. Bastards.

Somebody finally believes that Simon Baz is innocent of the terrorism charge and it's a good thing it's an FBI agent. Agent Fed makes a call in to Waller to let her now not to worry about the new Green Lantern while Simon and B'dg head off to find Simon's Battery. And maybe look for Hal Jordan a little bit.

I thought the Green Lanterns stopped shoving their batteries into pocket dimensions? And if they can do that with the ring, why can't they teleport like the Indigo Lanterns? Accessing a single spot in a pocket dimension from anywhere in space seems like just a minor step away from using the ring to teleport?

Because Simon Baz is smart enough to realize this whole Green Lantern Corps has a fuckload of flaws in its system, he decides to carry a gun as well. Because if you really want to feel safe, nothing better than wearing a gun on your hip! Although to truly feel safe, you don't want any guns on anybody else's hips especially if they have brown skin and Arabic tattoos or look like they belong in NWA. I'm pretty sure most hypocrites in the NRA wouldn't feel bad about a law that banned minorities from owning guns. Because whether it's being said or not, you know there is a lot of racial motivation in play for a lot of pro-gun people. Now me? I'm just glad that fucking squirrel isn't packing.

With B'dg's help, Simon Baz finally extricates the two messages from the ring. They don't actually give him any pointers on becoming a Green Lantern. I wonder if there is a third message that usually plays, kind of like one of those old educational films that were often ludicrous and offensive by today's standards. The message from Hal Jordan tells Baz (and B'dg) that the Guardians are fucking cuckoo but Hal thinks he knows how to help them. He also mentions that he and Sinestro were sucked into The Black Hand's ring. Oh? Is that where they went? I had no idea! And then he finishes up with some nonsense about how much he loves Carol Ferris. No, no you don't, Hal Jordan. You just love the idea of having a normal love affair while being allowed to gallivant across the galaxy punching aliens in the face (unless their genitals look like their faces and then Hal punches them in the genitals).

And then Simon taps into Sinestro's message.

Yeah, I don't think Arkillo will be much help anymore. He and his new best friend Saint Walker are doing just fine without Sinestro.

I like Sinestro's plan better than Hal Jordan's plan. I was really hoping that this crossover would obliterate the Guardians of the Universe once and for all. I suppose the core group of Guardians will be defeated or changed by Indigo Power Rings and the normal Guardian Duties will be taken up by the Bohemian group of Guardians that were guarding the first Green Lantern. The other thing I really like about the mix of messages is how Simon Baz is the one guy on Earth most like both Hal and Sinestro. So he has a good mix of their qualities. Hopefully he has all of their bad qualities! Then he'd be an arrogant idiot that demands order at any cost.

Except create F-18 missiles. You have to use it to steal those.

After telling Simon that the ring can do anything he wills it to, B'dg has to quickly backtrack and eat his words after Simon tries to use it to cure his comatose brother-in-law. "Oh, um, yeah. Did I forget to mention it doesn't work to heal things? Kind of need a Blue Lantern for that. Whoops!" But Simon believes with all of his might like no other Green Lantern has ever believed before! Because he's got the best qualities of Hal Jordan and Sinestro. He has the power to truly get the most out of the ring like Sinestro. And he doesn't listen to or believe the rules laid out before him like Hal Jordan. He has the imagination and the ability and could, quite possibly, be the strongest Green Lantern yet.

I like this second panel quite a bit. Earlier, Simon interrupted Sira before she could call B'dg a squirrel and said, "He's a Green Lantern." It's a nice moment to see a group of people that are probably constantly being judged by their race living in Dearborn show respect to a flying space squirrel by acknowledging what he is instead of what he looks like. This is in contrast to Agent Fed calling B'dg a squirrel and a chipmunk. And, um, in contrast to me as well. Fuck you for trying to make me feel guilty, Geoff Johns! It didn't work! I don't know how to feel guilty!

While in the hospital, B'dg catches a news report of Guy Gardner in police custody. What would the world of comic books do without the ever present news program feeding them information? They head off to save Guy Gardner before looking for Hal Jordan.

While I was typing that last paragraph, I'd set the comic book down with it open to the last page which I hadn't read yet. And as I glanced over, I saw the dark hooded figure from last issue that was confronting Hal and Sinestro in the Dead Zone (or inside the Black Ring, apparently). His hood is now off and I just thought, "Tomar-Re?"

I had no idea he was dead.

Green Lantern #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This whole issue was nicely paced and served well to help establish Simon Baz as the next big deal Green Lantern. I already like him a bajillion times better than I like Hal Jordan.

Green Lantern Corps #16

I'm tired of using doors too! If there's one thing I've learned from comic books, if you're in a hurry, just bust through a fucking wall, floor, or ceiling. Bad guys do it. Good guys do it. Hot shot photographers for the Daily Planet do it. Probably. I may not be able to visually confirm that last one. But I wouldn't put it past him!

Has there ever been a Green Lantern that refuses to use his Green Lantern Light in such pedestrian ways? A hammer, Simon Baz? Really? You've got the most powerful weapon in the universe and you use it to create a weapon that any thug or four year old child could get her hands on? I guess the exaggerated size of your tool makes up for it being on the low end of the technological scale. At least create a hammer that you don't have to hold on to so you could make it fly around the room and attack at range. Oh! Maybe make TWO hammers like that! Maybe that would take too much concentration. And maybe this whole image is just a metaphor for masturbation anyway. "Choking the Ginger." "Solitary Confinement." "Hammering the Hole." "Gripping the Handle." "Blowing a Hole in the Ceiling." "Peter J. Tomasi."

Guy Gardner is in jail because he thought he was "Blowing Off Steam" last issue but instead he was "Interfering with an Undercover Investigation." He's no longer a Green Lantern because he discovered the secret weakness of the Onan's Oan's Third Army. When exposed to masturbation, the Borg Lanterns could only stare helplessly at the erotic act. And since Guy Gardner is the greatest masturbater the Green Lantern Corps has ever been witness to, the Oans took back his ring.

Heh heh. He said "unabated." Stop writing my commentary for me, Mr. Guardian.

Now seems like the perfect time to take care of Guy Gardner once and for all. He's the greatest threat to the Guardians (if you believe me, that is. You could argue that Kyle or Hal or Sinestro is a bigger threat but I'll just win the argument by ignoring you and having a more popular blog) so they tell their Borg Lanterns to "acquire his bio-signature" (you know, follow his spunk trail) and "assimilate" him. They actually use the word assimilate. Apparently the Guardians of the Universe get all of their best ideas from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Speaking of Star Trek: The Next Generation and masturbation, I bet Wesley Crusher just fouled the fuck out of the holodeck with his not-quite-yet-a-man-juice. And it makes sense, right? In the 1970s and 1980s, kids had to find their wank material in bushes and abandoned fields and their father's bottom drawers. Then the internet came along and now kids can just log on to the family computer and find all the masturbation material they need. By the time space travel and starships are invented, it would make sense that the ability to find masturbation material would have escalated as well. And the holodeck would barely even seem like masturbation! I wonder if Picard had parental locks put on the holodeck controls.

Picard: "Number Two. How long has Wesley been in the holodeck this afternoon?"
Riker: "One hour, fifteen minutes and forty seven seconds. Of course this is his fifth time using it today. And he's reserved it for four more sessions later."
Picard: "That's an awful lot of training exercises. Perhaps we're working him too hard?"
Riker: "I don't think that's what he's doing, sir. He's Troubling the Tribble, if you get my meaning."
Picard: "Oh. Did we not have parental locks put on the Holodeck to prevent this sort of abuse?"
Riker: "The kid is a fucking technological genius. You don't think he guessed your password 'FLUTE1234'?"
Picard: "Well then. Chalk it up to kids being kids, I guess!"
END CREDITS.

You know, I was going to stay away from jail ass rape and drop the soap jokes while Guy was in prison. But with images like this, I guess I have to point out that snowballing seems to be the favorite sexual past-time in this prison. And I think the bets are that Guy can't go a week without masturbating.

Guy's brother and sister come to visit him in jail to find out what the fuck is going on with him. Where'd his Green Lantern ring go? Why did he get arrested screwing up an FBI investigation? All of his responses are glib, snarky, Superboy-esque answers. Guy is acting like a complete douchebag while his siblings are simply trying to help him get out of jail. So Guy's sister does what Superman should have fucking done to Superboy in Superboy Annual #1.

That guard is enjoying this a little bit too much. The Guardians would not approve.

Guy Gardner's sister is cute. I hope this comic spins off into a Green Lantern Family comic book where they all get Green Lantern rings. Maybe it could become a half hour sitcom on Fox.

The slaps and the yelling do not get Guy to stop pitying himself. What finally snaps him out of his pouting are the Borg Lanterns that suddenly attack the jail looking to assimilate his ass. Too bad Guy isn't an overly snobbish assassin so I could have typed "assimilate his high class assassin's ass." Being that Guy was a Green Lantern and the guards don't want to turn into mouthless monsters, they let him out of the handcuffs and allow him to take lead against the Borg Lanterns.

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality are dealing with Mogo's splintered sexuality.

I'm pretty sure this is all semantics.

Fatality catches John up on everything that has been going on in New Guardians which makes John realize that the Guardians are once again up to no good and sending him into the far reaches of space to chase down the pieces of a planet was just a way to get him out of their gray hair.

Back on Earth, Guy and his siblings are rescued by B'dg the Space Squirrel and Simon Baz the new Green Lantern of Earth. I have a feeling I probably should have read Green Lantern #16 first but I really doubt it matters much. That issue will probably deal with Simon and B'dg heading back to B'dg's nest so that Simon can recharge his ring and learn a little bit about his new job as a cosmic protector.

With Guy's leadership, B'dg contains the Borg Lanterns while Simon Baz flies off to steal a bunch of missiles from a nearby National Guard Base. So the most powerful weapon in the universe can't simulate a missile? Does Green Light not have the capability to explode? Has a Green Lantern never made explosives or fire with the Power Ring? I'm starting to think the ring isn't the most powerful weapon in the galaxy at all if all it can make are blunt instruments.

Guy watching a squirrel masturbate.

The missiles incinerate the Borg Lanterns and Guy heads off to the moon to get a synopsis of what's been going on. B'dg was sent to Earth by Salaak to find Hal Jordan but instead ended up rescuing Baz and Guy. Baz's ring has a warning for the Green Lantern Corps: "The Guardians are trying to destroy us!" Now if Guy could only get his ring back. Perhaps he'll have B'dg create a ring for him in the same way that Hal Jordan received a ring from Sinestro? That seems like a handy solution for every problem! More Green Lantern Rings! Green Lantern Rings for everyone!

Green Lantern Corps #16 Rating: No change. I think Guy and Baz are going to get along really well as long as Guy stops being a dick to him every chance he gets. Maybe Guy and Superboy should star in a comic book together where they can just snap back at each other for twenty pages. This was a pretty decent issue because it had a squirrel in it.