The Flintstones #7

This is the kind of joke that young people get pissed at if an older person makes it but young people are all "Right?!" if a young person makes it.

Young people are too young to be so defensive all the time. Learning to be defensive about anything you think is a criticism simply teaches you to believe everything is a criticism or a judgment. Then you become an old person who is too old to be so defensive all the time! Sometimes an observation is just a neutral observation! I sometimes feel that 95% of the anger and resentment carried around by us as a people is caused by our own preconceived notions and jumping to conclusions. You know how much energy is wasted in discussions where somebody says something and somebody else misunderstands the statement and gets angry at it? Then the first person has to clarify the statement to show how the second person got it wrong but then the second person, trusting confidently in their own thoughts about other things, doubts the first person's clarification. Because how did the second person read it as a terrible statement unless the first person didn't obviously mean what was so obviously horrible?! And even if the first person can thoroughly clarify the statement, the second person will remain suspicious and bitterly hold on to their first erroneous interpretation of the statement! So much wasted energy! It would be nice if somebody could be all, "Statement!" And the next person would be all, "Whoa, dude! Really?" And the first person would be all, "No, no! Clarified statement!" And the second person would be all, "Oh yeah! Okay! I see that. Thanks!" Instead we all have to stand our stupid ground being angry and feeling holier than the next person.

Now I'm mad at everybody and full of bitter resentment! You know what? I take it all back. I don't even want to get involved with people who feel they need to police everybody else. Next time you police somebody on the Internet, just remember what we all think of the real police! Fucking pigs!

I know a lot of you support the police blindly. But you racists aren't part of this current discussion so I knew I could exclude you.

Steve Pugh isn't doing the arts on this issue so I'm already disappointed. I didn't notice his name was missing from the cover. I just took one look at the first panel and thought, "Doodle poop." That's how I curse inside my own head, just in case God is listening. But I know he doesn't read the Internet because it's Satan's Playground, so I can say motherfucker and cunt all day long here.

Even though Pugh isn't arting this issue, I still want to put my filthy lips all over Betty's everything.

This week in Bedrock, The Flintstones learn about Hell! They also learn that the Great Gazoo is keeping tabs on all of them while protecting them from con artist aliens from outer space. Other stuff probably also happens since that's how this book works. It utilizes a thing called vignettes which isn't a crime fighting salad dressing like I first thought.

One thing that happens is the head priest of the Church of Gerald invents indulgences. He does it on accident so it's not like he was trying to get rich by cleansing people's sins so that they don't wind up in Hell. He just invented Hell to get people to fear doing bad things and then he suggested to a parishioner that maybe she do good things to make up for the bad things she's done. But she, like everybody, is way too busy for all that. And giving money is almost always an acceptable solution to one's problems. I mean, you would think that not doing the bad thing is the best solution. But sometimes you do bad things because you want to do them so badly and it's always nice if you can pretend the bad thing doesn't matter because you're giving money to offset your sin. Especially if you're, say, a big business and it would cost a lot of money to clean up all of the pollution created by your business. Everybody knows you don't want to be a major polluter, right? But what can you do?! You still have to make all of your money doing the thing you've been doing the exact same way forever. Changing takes too much time and money! But if not changing only takes money (and far less than you would be out if you changed to stop doing the bad thing), it's obviously the best choice!

It's so much cheaper to just not believe in sinning or a God!

Gazoo writes his report about humans but it's all "Blah blah blah lies and more lies and propaganda against humans!" And then there's another story happening about Fred being compassionate enough to help out some idiot who gets himself crushed at the quarry. It's too complex for me. I barely even noticed the criticism against art critics running through the story.

The Ranking!
This comic book is way too smart for me. It's like I'm reading a college essay written by a student who actually cares about their grade. But I'm smart enough to know that I want people to think I like smart things! So I totally love this comic book! It's my favorite. Whew, does it make you think! Also if you don't want to think because you're a typical comic book reader, you can probably jerk off to a couple panels of Betty Rubble. I can't say the same if you're into guys though because all the guys look like tree trunks wrapped in fur skirts. Oh man! That phrase "fur skirt" just got me horny for some reason! I mean, I'm going to go read some Shakespeare now!

Midnighter and Apollo #4

I like small cocks and I cannot lie!

Currently Midnighter is in Hell to rescue Apollo and kill The Mawzir. If you're wondering who The Mawzir is, I'm never speaking to you again because you obviously didn't read Hitman. Thus you suck and aren't worth my time. I know that's awfully harsh and judgmental but we all need a system to organize our lives or we'll just go mad juggling it all.

But Midnighter has a problem: the Ace of Winchesters lies broken at The Mawzir's feet. It's the only gun that can kill The Mawzir. I probably don't have to explain that to you since you read Hitman. If you didn't read Hitman, what are you still doing here? This blog post will still be waiting for you when you get back. And it will seem less rude after you've read Hitman. You'll be all, "Yeah, Tess! I've read Hitman too! Love me! Love me! Be my daddy! Not in a kink way but in a quite real and literal way because I've never had an adult male figure who loved me unconditionally!"

Apollo is in the Castle Epicaricacius where Neron lives. That seems a bit pretentious, right? How big does a domicile have to be before you can name it? I don't mean calling your stupid family home "The Smith House" or "The House of Smiths" semi-jokingly to your bland and boring neighbors whom you sometimes visit for dinner and cocktails while concealing a quiet rage at their theft of your personal time.

Midnighter is in The Vascular Gardens which sound disgusting. The Mawzir currently has him at a disadvantage. I mean, The Mawzir thinks he has Midnighter at a disadvantage but when has Midnighter ever been at a disadvantage? Even if his fight computers aren't working right in Hell, he's still a bad-ass fuckmonster with one Ace of Winchester bullet. So what if he doesn't have a gun to propel it into The Mawzir's skull? I'm pretty sure he can figure out how to do that some other way. It might take longer and be way more painful and gory, but he'll think of something.

The Mawzir is wearing a cowboy hat to complete his gunslinger look. Also it hides the swastika on his forehead because kids today are way too fucking sensitive to see something like that.

The Mawzir is one of my all-time favorite villains for a number of reasons that I will explain in this essay. This essay will explain the reasons I like The Mawzir. I like The Mawzir because he is a gunslinger. Gunslingers are cool even though they are inherently violent. That is because guns are weapons used for violence. I know that people say that people kill people but often times they use guns which were made to kill things and not made to butter toast. That is not a criticism of guns like gun nuts are thinking it is and fuming at the face simply because I said it. It is just a fact. The next reason I like The Mawzir is because he looks cool. John McCrea kicked the shit out of his work when he created The Mawzir. He went to work that day and he said, "Work? I hope you like getting your shit kicked because I am in a shit-kicking mood, for sure!" Then he created The Mawzir to look cool. The third and final reason (because essays need three reasons before concluding) I like The Mawzir is his cool attitude. It is cool to have an attitude like The Mawzir's which is why I find him cool. In summary, The Mawzir, for these three reasons, is one of my all-time favorite villains.

While Midnighter battles The Mawzir, Apollo faces off against Neron. Neron is busy gay-shaming Apollo although he's pretending Apollo is in Hell for reasons like pride and murder and more murder. I guess Neron doesn't mind being an evil demon from Hell who tortures, kills, and maims for pleasure but he doesn't want people thinking he's homophobic.

Midnighter manages to headbutt the bullet through The Mawzir's head, killing it. Probably just killing it until it's next appearance, really. Because who at DC Comics can allow The Mawzir to be dead for good?! He's too great a character. Plus he's a demon from Hell who technically wasn't shot by the Ace of Winchesters so he can't actually be dead. It's in the rules! But for now, it's good enough to get the story moving.

Midnighter did manage to get shot while battling The Mawzir and his healing factor probably doesn't work too well in Hell. But he'll still probably rescue Apollo because I don't think this story was written to just leave Midnighter and Apollo trapped in Hell, especially when Warren Ellis is on the verge of rebooting the Wildstorm Universe.

This year for Halloween, I should go as The Mawzir. It's either that or Stephanie from Lazytown.

While Midnighter continues to earn my love and respect for being a cool bad-ass motherfucker, Apollo finally begins worming his way into my heart.

Self-confidence is such a huge turn on. Probably because we most love in others that which we love about ourselves. And I am one confident motherfucker. Some might say arrogant or pretentious or cunt. And maybe they're right! But what the fuck do I care?! I'm loaded with love for myself and nobody can bring me down! Except maybe my mother.

Oh shit. I just remembered I haven't called my mom back when she left a message wishing me a Happy Merry Christmas!

Apollo decides to play his own game with Neron. If Neron can answer the question of why Apollo really calls himself Apollo, Neron can have Apollo's soul. Otherwise, Neron must give Apollo back his powers and free him. Neron is the kind of guy who loves to give up all the power he has for a chance to show he has all the power. Overconfidence is such a turn off! It's a fine line from Bonerville to Flaccidtown! But usually overconfidence is confidence stemming from ignorance and bravado and the need to prove something to others. Self-confidence is not giving a fuck about the assholes around you and just living your own life no matter how shitty they are to you.

Neron, being a weird idiot, somehow thinks the answer to Apollo's question is that Apollo thinks he's earned the right to call himself a God. Fucking dum-dum! You've been saying that this whole time! Why would Apollo ask you why he calls himself that if the answer is the thing you've been spouting non-stop since Apollo entered Castle Epicurious?! Think before speaking, you vile Twitter Egg!

Midnighter follows the path to the Mansion of Happiness to discover Apollo in a large glass flask next to Neron on his throne. Whether Neron's answer to Apollo's question was correct or not has yet to be revealed. Obviously it wasn't correct! But Midnighter doesn't know what's going on yet. He doesn't realize yet that his lover has already saved himself. But Neron sees another possible way to keep Apollo. With Apollo sealed away and unable to tell Midnighter that he's free, Neron offers Midnighter yet another deal for Apollo's soul. A fight between him and Midnighter with Apollo's soul as the prize. Can Midnighter even make that deal? I suppose Hell doesn't care too much about ownership laws.

Midnighter is pumped up with Extraño's dark and super gay magic which he's ready to switch on so he can beat Neron to death. But that won't happen until the next issue which is too bad because I really want to see Neron be beaten to death. Constantine let him off too easy.

The Ranking!
+1 Ranking! The Mawzir may have died but that's a small price to pay for such a romantic book.

Death of Hawkman #4

I hope Hawkman dies this issue!

The Review!
Hawkman still isn't dead! Zero stars! But Despero is now covered in Nth Metal! As if he wasn't already powerful enough. Now he's also practically invincible. I hope he suffers some kind of heavy metal toxicity from being covered in so much of the stuff.

Alanna is still being a real asshole warmonger. Despero explains it as her being driven mad by her father's supposed death. But a better explanation would be that Despero is controlling her mind. Otherwise she's being a real fucking dick who's going to get everybody killed.

Adam Strange is also still in this comic book but he doesn't do much this issue aside from almost throw up a number of times.

Shade the Changing Girl #4

The male gaze sexualizes every comic book cover with a woman on it. Especially one that's possessed by a gawky bird creature from another planet. So fucking sexy.

The Review!
No change. In this issue, Shade the Changing Girl learns the power of apologies. The title is even called "All Apologies". I totally couldn't remember who sang that so I asked Lord Google. He said, "What? Are you kidding? You don't know? How uncool are you?" And I was all, "I'm not uncool! I just don't remember! I'm like old and shit!" And Lord Google was all, "Snort! It's Nirvana, you musically illiterate plebe." And I was all, "Oh shit! I totally should have known that. I mean, I can sing the fucking stupid song!" And then I sang the fucking stupid song. Then I thought about how embarrassing it would be to admit that I couldn't remember that Nirvana sang "All Apologies" and I said, out loud, "No fucking way I'm writing this in the commentary!"

After apologizing to all of Megan's friends and family members so that Shade can feel more relaxed in her new life, she remembers what happened at the lake. She remembers she drowned and nobody sprang to save her and everybody was kind of happy that she was brain dead. Whether or not she wields that knowledge as power against her friends will have to wait to be seen. Because after Shade realizes her friends aren't just afraid of her because she's an asshole but also because they basically let her die, the story ends and it's time for the back-up story.

But first, I should probably say something smart about this story. Here it goes! You should always apologize to people when you feel you've hurt them. But you should never apologize to people who demand that you apologize to them. Because those people are just using it to have power over you. Don't let them! You're only enabling their terrible behavior if you apologize! Besides, an apology given under duress isn't an actual apology. And when you do apologize under duress, 95% of the time, the person will be all, "You don't really mean it. Not good enough. You're gross." So, in closing, you should only apologize if you mean it and you should never apologize if somebody demands one and if you don't apologize when you know you've hurt somebody, you're just being a fucking dick.

Here's a good example of an apology I made this week! While playing Overwatch, my friend was complaining about how nobody on the team was helping take the point. I was frustrated because I kept getting hooked by Roadhog meaning I was mostly respawning and not helping take the point. So I got short with him and went off on how I couldn't help take the point because I was fucking respawning! Then the game ended and we played another game and then I was all, "Sorry about snapping like that, Will. I was just really frustrated and shouldn't have turned on you." No big deal but it really brought the tension back down and we had fun and even began winning again.

Here's a good example of an apology I would choose not to make! If I used the word retard in one of my commentaries and some anon messaged me and said, "You shouldn't use that word and you should apologize because it literally hurts people." Then I would just ignore the message or make a stupid joke because what do I fucking care about somebody trying to get me to change when they'll never interact with me again? People like to say that thing about if you step on somebody's toe, you apologize. Well, sure! But demanding that I fucking not ever do something again and that I should apologize for it isn't the proper reaction to somebody having their toe stepped on. If I stepped on somebody's toe and they screamed at me, "You gross fucking asshole! How dare you, you piece of shit! You're garbage!", I would not apologize to them. I would think to myself, "Ha ha. I'm glad I accidentally stepped on your toe, you lunatic."

The backup story is about Element Girl and how she just wants to be normal. But instead, she isn't normal at all and also lives in a desert. The end.

The Atom Rebirth #1

Time for the Atom without a military rank.

I've never read a Ryan Choi comic book other than Convergence (which, as I've noted before, doesn't count. Convergence never counts. It was awful and the only part of DC's vast continuity that I completely and utterly reject). Even if I had been reading comic books when Ryan Choi emerged on the scene, I would not have read a Ryan Choi comic book. Not because I'm racist (although I probably am, being half-white and half-Spanish with the ability to pass as full white so I'm just fucking white, okay? I mean, I know some Spanish like mal niño and cállate and pedazo de mierda thanks to the things my Grandmother used to scream at me. What I should describe myself as, since it totally gets to my DNA makeup, is Californian) but because I hate the character The Atom. You might be thinking, "Didn't I just read this commentary?" No, no! That was Captain Atom! I also hate him. Maybe I just don't like science.

This issue begins with Ryan Choi moving into his dorm room in college. Just his luck, he winds up with a roommate who will be his super-villain nemesis, Adam Cray. I don't know what super-villain he will be but isn't that how these kinds of stories work? He'll probably be The Atom's opposite which is probably Elemental Jerk. That's opposite for reasons I don't have time to explain right now.

I took rugby in college. Never went to a class and was too lazy to do the paperwork to drop it. I got a B.

I say a lot of untrue and exaggerated stories for effect and for the joke so I should probably amend the above caption with "True story." Apparently the rugby coach simply gave everybody on his roster who came to the final an A and everybody else on the class roster got a B. My friend Soy Rakelson got an A, the little responsible kiss ass.

Ryan Choi's only class that matter is kinematics. That means something scientific, possibly the study of the movement of cows. Whatever. The class isn't the important bit. The important bit is that the teacher is Ray Palmer. He's normal white male heterosexual The Atom. I added the normal there to piss you off. Sorry about that.

This is a lecture class on the first day. How the fuck does Professor Palmer know Ryan Choi's name? Fucking pervo stalker, probably.

Even by the end of the semester, a professor never knows every student's name in a lecture class. Here's how they decide which students to take an interest in and whose names they'll learn. After the first big test or essay assignment, they make a note of all of the students who said intelligent things on their papers. Then the next class, they'll say, "I'd like to put a few faces to some of these names." Then they'll read out a bunch of names of the people who impressed them and remember who they are so they can call on them for intelligent discussion and ignore all the other blockheads who turned in shitty assignments. Now you know why your teacher never remembered who you were!

Another way to be noticed by your teacher in a lecture hall is to go to your Children's Lit class dressed as Alice Cooper in Wonderland carrying the bloody, cut off head of the white rabbit. Again, true story. A lot of students had to ask me what the costume was. All of my teachers knew instantly. Except my Creative Writing professor. She was blind.

One year later, Ray Palmer decides to question Ryan Choi's motives for studying science. That doesn't seem like the purview of the kinematics professor but then maybe he's also a counselor or dean of something or other. Also, he might just be a pervo stalker who wants to experiment on Ryan Choi. Because who will miss the student from Hong Kong with no nearby family when the miniaturization process disintegrates him?

Ryan Choi is all, "I just want to not be asthmatic!" And Ray Palmer is all, "I think there's more to it than that! Like how you've allowed me to get all of these science awards on the back of your genius!" I'm starting to think Ray Palmer has a serious ulterior motive to his stupid question if it's that obvious why Ryan Choi is pursuing science. Because he's Goddamned fucking great at it?!

If any of my professors had ever gotten this intimate with me, I'd have dropped the class and/or slept with them.

Instead of contacting the colleges head of human resources to report Ray Palmer's stalkery attraction to him, Ryan Choi says, "I want to prove to people that small penises matter!" And Ray Palmer said, "Did you say small penises?" And Ryan said, "Things! Small things matter!" That's when Ray Palmer says, "You're ready! I told that fucking Batman that I could get a sidekick too! But he was all, 'Nooooooo waaaay! Who wants to be with Tiny Man?! Not even your stupid ex-wife who is going to kill Sue Dibny! Unless that has already happened. Or will happened. Or...you know what? Who cares? Nobody cares about you, The Atom!'"

Ray Palmer reveals himself to be The Atom. He also reveals his mission statement: to beat up those fucking butterflies before they have a chance to cause a hurricane. I knew he was a pervo stalker but I guess he's insane as well.

Even though it's totally weird and crossing a personal line between teacher and student that probably shouldn't be crossed (although not quite as bad as the line Adam Strange crossed with Alanna), Ryan Choi accepts. He'll be a sidekick! And, eventually, the main hero when Adam Cray destroys Ray Palmer! I guess Adam Cray is going to become Butterfly Guy.

A year later, Ryan and Ray go out to celebrate. They have some alcohol but Ryan points out the only drink he's not allergic to is Poire Williams. I don't know what that is but I think I have the Asian Flush. I often get intensely sick from sinus shit with just the smallest amounts of alcohol. But not always which is why I constantly tempt fate. I wonder if I should assume a whole bunch of things and now believe that drinking whatever Poire Williams is will solve my problem! I'll test it out and get back to myself!

A week after the drink with Ryan Choi, Ray Palmer disappears. Sometimes people disappear and it's nearly impossible to find them. Finding a guy who can shrink to microscopic sizes when he disappears? Super impossible to find him! Luckily, Ray Palmer left a video message for Ryan detailing exactly where he went. He found a microuniverse lying within a tear in the temporal nanostructure of the timeline. That must be where the Preboot Universe is! Or the Pre-Crisis universe! Or the other Pre-Crisis universe! Or the Post-Pre-Zero Hour universe! Or maybe it's just where Ray Palmer dies since Ryan doesn't find the message until a full week after Ray disappears. At least Ray left Ryan an Atom Belt so he can take over as The Atom after finding evidence that Ray Palmer was consumed by microscopic protozoa.

The Ranking!
It was a Rebirth issue! They're all kind of the same. But in that context, this was one of the better ones. Ryan Choi and Ray Palmer are now back in the DC Universe, even if it is only the Rebirth Universe. I'm sure it'll be all of the universes soon enough, after the Watchmen are defeated and everything coalesces back into one sort-of-cohesive-if-you-squint-funny universe.

The Fall and Rise of Captain Atom #1

I know why he fell. He was written by J.T. Krul.

Captain Atom is a really clever character because his secret alias is Captain Adam. He is also subversive because he's become a caricature of Doctor Manhattan who was a caricature of Captain Adam. I don't know why that makes him subversive but it sounds like it probably does and by saying it, it sounds like I know things that I really don't fucking know. It's better to write vague things that hint at hidden depths than to try to write long explanations of things you hardly understand. That's tantamount to dumping a whole load of chum in the ocean to bring sharks to your boat. Except the ocean in this instance is the Internet and the sharks are the Actually Nerd Trolls. Boy how I hate those guys. Nobody ruins a good joke like an Internet Actuallyier!

I don't remember when we last saw Captain Atom. Probably in Convergence or Futures End but those don't count. He may also have made a cameo in Firestorm or some other comic book that treats nuclear men farting radiation across the city as normal and nothing to be afraid of. But I think, in regards to this story, the important last time we saw Captain Atom was probably in the last issue of the J.T. Krul series which went about five issues too long (most of those issues were at the beginning of the series. What I'm saying is that Krul began the story in entirely the wrong place). In that issue, I believe Captain Atom had decided to go live on Mars like another character that he was based on who was based on him. You know the one! The one that, along with his friend Ozymandias, is fucking with the Rebirth Universe.

Before I begin reading this book, I'd like to be transparent about my bias of Captain Atom. I don't have a specific problem with his character (except that he's military and, thus, lacks any sort of whimsy that doesn't involve calling your friends gay retards with whores for mothers). I have a problem with his usual cast of characters. Why does he always have to be at odds with General Eiling? That guy isn't a super villain at all! He's just a regular villain. And Doctor Megala?! He's just a pathetic old Daddy Issue in a wheelchair. I really wish Captain Atom would kill them both so he could find a proper nemesis, maybe Captain Atomess! She's be super hot and horny and constantly be making fusion innuendos.

The issue begins at the end of 2012. Captain Atom isn't hidden away on Mars but he has been contained by Dr. Megala deep underground. Captain Atom decides he's too dangerous to live and meltsdown. But that's probably not the end of his story because I'm only on page four of the first issue of a six issue series. Hopefully he'll simply time travel to 2016 and become the new Jonni DC, continuity cop. But instead of making sure everything is in continuity and fixing the shit that isn't, he should just go around saying, "Who cares. Don't care. That's continuity now even if it makes no sense. Yep, that's continuity too. And that. And that. It's all canon, bitches!"

After Captain Atom blows, the narrative moves to twenty-three minutes earlier instead of four years later. Dammit! Is this Captain Atom story going to start in the wrong place as well?! Writers need to stop thinking they need to explain every single little thing and just let the story get to the interesting bits. Not knowing the whole story is always better than knowing the whole story. Nobody needs Star Wars Episodes I-III! We're better off imagining that shit!

Oh, he was on the moon. That's super different than going to Mars. Totally not like that other guy.

Captain Atom is out flying around irradiating everything when he comes upon a cruise ship being swamped by a giant wave. He decides to intervene so that now the people on board don't just have to worry about drowning, they have to worry about cancer as well. What a huge dick. I mean, he keeps the boat from sinking but only due to a huge burst of radiation which changes the water around the boat into gelatin.

Oh, fuck you, random nobody boat person with opinions.

Well, I'm convinced! Those passengers on the cruise ship must know what they're talking about since they're people and they're talking which means they're, like, influential and shit. I mean, I do hate when people talk shit about Batman and Superman when they're only trying to help. Am I, in a way, one of those people? I don't talk shit about Batman and Superman though. I just talk shit about D-list superheroes who have never been able to rise in popularity even when they had a huge starring role in Zero Hour.

Captain Atom's rescue of the ship has sent his body into spasms of nuclear explosions and is about to endanger all life on Earth. But being on the moon was so lonely!

Captain Atom's "flare-ups," as they're being called by Eiling and Megala for insurance reasons, attract the attention of Superman, Cyborg, and Hal Jordan. Remember, this is 2012! So Hal Jordan is still a stubborn piece of shit ready to fight anything with fists Green Lantern. And Superman is still New 52 Superman. And Cyborg is still boring.

Dr. Megala explains to the Justice League that Captain Atom isn't the dangerous threat they think he is; he's actually a lot worse. And he says it right in front of Captain Atom. No wonder Captain Atom kills himself at the beginning of this comic book.

The Justice League decide to escort Captain Atom back to Megala's Suppression Dome but don't make it back in time. Another way to look at it is that they brought Captain Atom over a populated area just in time to destroy most of the city when he blows up. I suppose they save everybody by blocking the individual rays shot out of Captain Atom as if he were a grenade throwing shrapnel instead of a seamless burst of deadly energy that would have been impossible to stop. Or at least harder to depict being stopped by Cyborg's White Noise Cannon in a visual way.

The narrative finally catches up to the point where Captain Atom tried to kill himself. But instead of dying in an atomic blast, he's shot through time back to 1994. Oh no. Am I going to have to relive Zero Hour all over again?!

The Ranking!
Once again, a Captain Atom comic book has begun at the wrong place in the story. There is too much prologue here. I suppose it's one way to flesh out a six issue miniseries seeing as how six issues is always about two issues more than the story needs. But even though I'm not a fan of Captain Atom and this story was relatively mundane and probably unnecessary, I'm interested to see what they do with Captain Atom going back to the Zero Hour year. Will he fix continuity so that I can just resume pretending every story I've ever read from DC actually matters to the current universe? Not that I don't already think that anyway. I just wish DC Comics would put out a press release that just says, "Fuck it! We screwed up multiple times since 1985. Just forget all that shit about certain stories not having occurred. They all happened and every character remembers every story whenever the current writer needs them to remember it!" I think Captain Atom could be that press release!

Justice League #12

Who forgot to tell Yanick that Jess wasn't on the team anymore?

The Review!
+1 Ranking. In this issue, we discover that Max Lord has both Mommy and Daddy Issues. He's got twice the problems of a typical DC Character. We learn this information in a story that took place not long before the events of Justice League vs. Suicide Squad #1. Max Lord manages to get himself caught by Amanda so he can be alone with her, forcing her with his powers to reveal the location of the Super Duper Scary Suicide Squad. Then he uses his powers to get away and go start his mission to control the world. The story is called "Max Lord: Rebirth" and it tells the reader pretty much everything anybody needs to know about this current incarnation of Max Lord. Normally I'd have all kinds of things to say about those things that the reader learns. But I already expressed myself enough today in other reviews so I'm out of opinions. Plus I need to save some opinions for the next books I read, The Fall of Captain Atom and The Atom Rebirth! Those are first issues so I can't, in good faith, rush those. Especially since the last time I read a Captain Atom book, it was the beginning of The New 52 when about 25% of the books were terrible. Including Captain Atom's book!