Superman #7

I don't think the Smiths raise cattle so what the fuck is up with the barbed wire?

The Review!
I wasn't going to do any running commentary while reading this comic book (that's why it says "The Review!" up there and not "The Commentary!") but since I already mentioned the barbed wire on the cover, I thought I should point out, to myself, that the Smiths' neighbors have cattle. So I guess they put up the barbed wire and Jon probably defaced it because he's a little asshole. Also, the Smiths live in Hamilton County. So the Location Box in Justice League should have said "Smith Farm, Hamilton County." I suppose Hamilton County and Metropolis can still be the same place. It's not like DC Comics has a good grip on where Metropolis is anyway. Besides, they're the company that couldn't remember that the Arctic and the Antarctic were two different places. I guess nobody ever said you needed a geography degree to write comic books.

Maybe I'll just go back to bullet points for these comics that I want to read quickly but still might have stupid comments to make.

• Kathy, Jon's neighbor, thinks Jon is totally adorable in his new glasses. Mostly she's flirting with him because he's the only other kid she knows. Her first kiss has got to come from somewhere and it's either Jon or one of the cows.

• Some ugly guys are standing around outside the entrance to the fair so of course they're going to rob it. It's not like society expects better of ugly people. Sure, we all just wish they'd stay inside and stop bumming us all out but that would be unkind. It's much more kind to look at them and interact with them without showing that you're holding in your vomit. But just because we pretend they don't make us sick, it doesn't mean we have to give them jobs! So what else can they do except engage in petty crime? It's probably for the best. If they're in jail, nobody else has to look at them and think, "Oh god. I'm so glad I'm attractive!"

• No, I am not typing this from inside a prison cell! How dare you!

• The Smiths are having a nice day at the fair and Clark has promised Lois that tonight he wouldn't be Superman at all. Not even a smidgen! I mean, not at the fair! He'll definitely be Superman when they get home, if you get my meaning! I mean he's going to bang her good!

• Lois decides to ask about any jobs at the Hamilton Horn since there's a woman passing out Hamilton Horn papers at the fair for some reason. I probably shouldn't think about it too hard or I'll expose the delicate framework of contrivance needed to get certain plot points out of the way in the quickest manner. Lois needs a job at a paper and this is a good time to get that started! Plus it separates her from Clark and Jon so they can do some superheroing behind her back.

• Clark manages to restrain himself but he uses his powers to listen in on the ugly people's plan. Now he knows they'll be robbing the box office when the fireworks start so he can feign an attack of diarrhea and rush off to stop the crime without Lois being upset that he Supermanned without her permission.

Pshaw! That ribbon isn't blue!

• Clark meets the town pediatrician whom he'll never let near his son. That's probably going to be an awkward conversation. I suppose Clark can fall back on stupid religious beliefs as to why he doesn't give a shit about his kid's health.

• And then it's time for the fireworks!

Ha! Grandmaster Comic Book Reader!

• Clark makes it back in time to ride the coaster with his wife and son but his diarrhea cover is blown when the kids running the ride leave the microphone on as they talk about the guy with heat vision who stopped the ticket booth robbery. Lois acts like she's mad but I'm sure her labia majora are fully swollen. Unless Labia Majora is a character from Final Fantasy. I'm not that good with women's anatomy!

The Ranking!
+3! Now this was a Superman story! Hooboy, this is how a Superman story should be written! Save the big end of the world bullshit for Justice League. Make Superman about how he lies to Lois and his son so that he can fight crime without being scolded or whined at! Plus this is simply how you do a Superman story. You don't need an opponent who punches hard enough for Superman to say "Hey! I felt that!" You just need a B Story that interferes with Superman's ability to bring the A Story to an easy conclusion! This is fucking textbook, man! And it's far better than Superman pummeling a space beast for ten out of the twenty pages where he wins out in the end by thinking, "I just have to believe I can!" Then his punches get better and he wins! Fuck that shit. I like stories where Superman can easily defeat the antagonist because, you know, he's FUCKING SUPERMAN! So the actual conflict needs to come from another source. I suppose occasionally he can fight a Doomsday or something. But even then, make him use his fucking head more often than simply beating the shit out of the thing. Fucking loved this story! Bees knees! Triple Plus Good!

But I haven't forgotten that Peter J. Tomasi and Patick Gleason are fucking cat murderers. Bastards.

Justice League #5

How is Batman helping? Get the fuck out of here.

The Commentary!
Oh! First page: "The Extinction Machine Finale"! I'm as excited as the first time my mom dropped me off at school in kindergarten and I thought I was free from her forever! That's actually a lie. I wasn't excited about school at all. In fact, I refused to participate for months. Mrs. McFarland would try to get me involved in the "curriculum" and I would throw a fit and refuse. So she finally just let me sit alone at a table with some crayons and shit until I felt comfortable enough with the daily routine to join in. I think it was playing "Button, Button, Who's Got the Button?" which finally sealed the deal and made me realize school wasn't entirely bad. Also my friend Judy who was probably the first friend I ever made.

Here's the report card assessment from Mrs. McFarland. It's interesting because forty years later, I still recognize the essential me in this report. Mrs. McFarland was an incredibly astute, compassionate woman.

11-9-76: “Jeff is a fine boy. He does have his ‘problems’ but I see progress every day. He has an excellent mind.” 1-28-77: “Jeff continues to make great progress. He is entering into nearly all activities willingly now.” 4-14-77: “Jeff has days when his ‘mood’ affects the way he participates.” She gave me a minus (as opposed to a check which is good, I guess!) in the following categories: Interacts positively with others, Accepts guidance from others when necessary, Feels good about himself, Has self-discipline, Is emotionally able to cope with problems, Demonstrates an attempt to solve his own problems, and Uses time to good advantage.

I'm fairly certain the school year began just after Labor Day at the beginning of September. So it took until January of the next year for me to begin to participate. Mostly. I'm sure in this day and age, I would have been diagnosed and tested and medicated and labelled. But in the seventies? You know what the answer was? Patience and hard work. Treating each individual child like an individual and not like a disorder. Mrs. McFarland had to deal with every kid and their peculiarities with kindness and patience and, when needed, a stern and unyielding demeanor. I don't say this to take a shot at children with disorders that, knowing about them, will help the child have a better shot at surviving the system. I say this to point out that Mrs. McFarland was a fucking saint. How the fuck she dealt with five year old me (I was four during September! I guess my mom couldn't wait to get me out of the house!) and a dozen or more other fucked up kids, I'll never know! I would have been demanding something to sedate these little fuckers. Like maybe a really slow carbon monoxide leak? Not enough to put them out and kill them all but maybe just get them drowsy and lethargic for the entire day!

Although, teachers today are probably bigger saints. Now they have to treat each child with a list of particular demands from the parents that are simply asshole parent demands which interfere with the teacher's business. Probably. I have no evidence to support that assumption except for my observations of most parents being assholes. They're worse than dog owners who don't leash their dogs! Or vapers who think it's okay to vape wherever the fuck they want because laws haven't caught up with them yet! Hey, all of you assholes I just mentioned?! Have some fucking respect for other people and stop being such selfish pricks!

This issue begins with Aquaman declaring he's going to save the world. Ha ha! Good one! What he's actually doing is taking his bag of crystal Precious Moments Zodiac figurines to show to the other Justice League members. I'm guessing they won't be impressed. Oh, sure. Wonder Woman will be polite about it. But her vagina will dry up so quickly that Aquaman himself might dehydrate and die.

Aquaman is actually seeding the Earth with his figurines. They say they're related to him. Oh yeah, he hears them speaking to him. So Aquaman is either saving the world or going insane. Insane for Precious Moments Figurines! Who hasn't been there, amirite?!

The Green Lanterns are an unknown amount of light years from Earth and yet they can still communicate instantly with Cyborg. That's impressive! Not wait! The word I wanted is impossible!

Who is editing Bryan Hitch's Justice League? Oh wait! I can check that for myself: Brian Cunningham. Oh boy. He's one of those editors who got super upset at fans when fans pointed out Cullen Bunn's Aquaman was the biggest shit ever shat by an Aquaman writer. At least now I know why he defended such a bad idea for an Aquaman story: he doesn't know anything about the DC Universe. Why else would he not tell somebody to fix the "Kent Farm, Metropolis" label on the previous scene? I'm not going to argue whether the farm is in Metropolis or some rural suburb of Metropolis or Smallville or wherever. What I will argue is calling it the Kent Farm. Clark and Lois haven't used the name Kent since they came to Earth-New-52! I wouldn't even feel the need to mention it if it had been called the "White" farm even though they now go by "Smith" because at least that would be closer to the truth! This is just shoddy work, Brian Cunningham. Don't you care about your job? I bet you never make a mistake when cashing your paycheck!

Meanwhile, Superman seems to be doing just fine inside the outer core of the Earth. Seems about right. No oxygen. High pressures. Intense heat. No yellow sunlight. Just another day being a poorly thought out character that can do virtually anything the writer needs him to do because his name is Superman! Although there had better be a story after this one showing how his powers aren't that great and he's actually not as overpowered as haters think he is!

Just in case the threat to the world was beginning to seem abstract and non-existent, here's a scene where the heroes acknowledge the world is getting fucked in the ass (nonconsensually!) while they're busy elsewhere. It's a good thing Aquaman is on the job! I wonder if I just opened a portal to a secret kingdom by typing a phrase that's never been typed before?

Across the world, newscasters are asking the question, "Where is the Justice League?" Oh, grow up, you fucking dicks. Fix your own goddamn problems! Save yourselves! Shit happens and people die. You can't expect a team of self-involved, narcissistic assholes with super powers to be there to save every single person in the world from every fucking disaster, can you?! Fucking comic book reporters and comic book journalists are the fucking worst. I mean, I guess they're better at their jobs than actual reporters and journalists. But that still doesn't make them anything more than assholes who think they're somehow more important than they really are. How shitty must a local news anchor feel after they report what's been trending on the Internet? I wonder how many of them are cutters?

The Justice League realize that they've been fighting against the forces that were trying to stop The Kindred. So now they've decided to stop fighting the things that have been destroying the world (you know, the Ben Wa balls and the Alien Bed Bugs) and fight against the giant meat puppets singing in Canada. I don't know. I'm not saying I'm a genius (I'll let other people point that out) but what have the Giant Singing People Puppets done that was so bad so far? The other things are destroying the Earth. The Singing Giants have only borrowed the Justice League's powers for a few moments here and there. Oh. That just answered my question. I almost forgot the whole narcissist part of the description of super heroes. They don't give a shit about stopping the threat to the Earth when there's a threat to their super powers!

Without having any knowledge of what the singing giants are up to, the Justice League decide to join forces with the Alien Bed Bugs to destroy The Kindred. So the Green Lanterns now decide to import more of the disastrous buggers to Earth in the hopes of stopping The Kindred from singing. Simply because the Justice League can't stand to not stop everything that seems alien to them. I hope Aquaman plants the figurines and saves the day by empowering The Kindred and embarrassing the rest of the Justice League.

Aquaman plants the final crystals and Superman manages to stop the Earthquake balls so the world isn't destroyed. Which is a good thing for everybody on Earth but also a good thing for The Kindred because now they get to finish their song without being interrupted by a destroyed Earth. Nobody still knows why they need to sing though. But if the Justice League thinks they're singing for a bad reason, I suppose I should think that as well! Go Justice League! Stop those singing fucks!

I've been telling Superman from the start that he should be pushing these things out of the Earth and not deeper inside!

Just before the Giant Singing People Puppets are stopped by Superman and his final Ben Wa Ball, they reveal that their song was going to begin the Forever Crisis. Fuck you and your Crises, DC! Besides, you already had an Infinite Crisis. How is a Forever Crisis really any different?! You fucking topped yourselves out with Infinite Crisis. You blew your load! You have no way to outdo yourselves now! I think it's time to go smaller. Your next crisis should be the Quantum Crisis.

So Superman zaps the Singing Giants with the final Ben Wa Ball and they fall apart and become just people named Tiny and Jason and Princess again. But apparently they achieved their song and Forever Crisis has been loosed. Maybe it was loosed throughout all time though and we've already witnessed how it affected the DC Universe in the past. This song, Forever Crisis, is exactly why DC has had so many crises and reboots and Armageddons. It's because these fuckers sang their fucking stupid song. Anyway, the Justice League congratulates themselves on stopping whatever the fuck they just stopped by basically just stopping everything that seemed out of the ordinary and getting lucky. Too bad they're the Justice League so the next threat has to be even more massive than this one!

The Ranking!
+0! Poor fucking Aquaman. This story humiliates him far more than any story I can remember since the four issue mini-series where he got a new costume and was psychoanalyzed by the antagonist. Bryan Hitch had to figure out a way to make Aquaman part of the world saving story arc and all he could come up with was Aquaman swimming around the Earth playing with dolls? Not that Batman did much better but at least he got to interact with the others and pretend like he was being insightful and helpful by telling everybody that they had to stop the bad thing quickly! Aquaman was basically given a distraction so that he didn't get in the way of the story. And then he gets a Narration Box at the end where he speaks directly to the reader: "Magic crystals and you scoffed." Yeah? I'm still scoffing! Because what the fuck did they do?! Sure, you say they saved the world from breaking apart but isn't that what Superman was doing? You say they stopped the Singing Giants' song but it actually wasn't stopped! You did nothing, you fish fucker. Bryan Hitch tried to make you seem important and he actually just shined a light on how useless you truly are. Eat a dork!

Team Titans #6

Now kiss!

In this extra special episode, the Team Titans decide to visit their past selves and their families. Just a second!

Okay, I'm back. My cat Pelafina who sleeps on a fur mushroom beside me was growling in her sleep and her tail actually got all poofy. So I woke her up from her catfight nightmare and she looked around confused and yelled at me a few times before rushing off, presumably to find the cat she had just been fighting in her head and to make sure it wasn't still in the apartment.

Anyway, none of the Titans have a satisfactory visit, except maybe Dagon. The Team Titans discover that they didn't just change the future of this Earth but that this Earth's past isn't exactly like their Earth's past. Kilowatt discovers that his family is African-American. He might be okay with that but his uncle shoots at him with a shotgun. Tara visits Terra's grave and learns about love from Phantasm disguised as an African-American gravedigger. She should have known he was a ghost! Battallion learns that his wife was an African-American woman in love with some skinny, long-haird jerk. Redwing's parents have twin girls (probably African-American) instead of a boy and a girl so she shrugs her wings and thinks, "Fuck it! Wrong family. No emotional attachment at all!" Dagon isn't the only one with a suprirse African-American element to his past. But then he's from London so that probably explains that somehow.

In other words, Marv Wolfman seems to believe that if you went back to the past to see family, the easiest way to forget about them so you could continue to live your life is if you found out they were African-American. What a racist dick.

It's also possible I interpreted this story completely wrong.

Nightwing #5

Shouldn't the title of this crossover be "Nightwing of the Monster Men"?

The Review!
While I was typing up my thoughts on Team Titans #6, I thought up something else that I wanted to write about but didn't want to put it in the Team Titans review. But I knew it would work great here! But by the time I remembered why I was scanning the cover of Nightwing #6 instead of New Titans #96, I'd forgotten what I wanted to discuss. So instead, I wrote this stupid shit where I talk about forgetting what I was going to talk about. Writers are the worst when they pull this kind of crap. "Oh! I need to write daily but I don't know what to write about so how about I write about how I don't know what to write about!" Stop it, Writers. Just because Charlie Kaufman managed to trick people into loving Adaptation, it doesn't mean you're going to get famous writing about your process. Although, that bit in Adaptation where Charlie Kaufman kept jerking off because writing is too difficult to face? Totally true. My fucking dick is raw.

Oh! And don't expect a future paragraph that begins "Oh! I remember what I was going to write about!" because it's fucking gone, man. Gone! I can tell. That idea flew the coop and there's no coercing it back.

Anyway, Monster Men are attacking Gotham. The first chapter was a standard set-up and a little bit boring. I'm hoping the Monsters in this one are less Japanese Kaiju and more Viral Japanese Death Ghost.

Oh! I remember what I was going to write about! My friend loaned me all of the Lemony Snicket Series of Unfortunate Events books last year. Each one can be read in about five hours but I didn't spend a lot of time with them, so it took me all year. Actually, it's going to take me longer. You see, as I was coming up on my 45th birthday at the beginning of this week, I was thinking, "Shit! There's still one book left to read! I'd better get to it before my birthday!" So I took it out of the box and thought, "Why the fuck is the final book called The Penultimate Peril? That's fucking...GODDAMN IT!" So it turns out I still have one book to read, The End, which I don't have. So I guess the Baudelaires will just have to live on that boat with Olaf for the rest of their goddamned lives. The little fuckers probably deserve it. "Fuckers" is a word which here means "all three Baudelaire children's stupid faces".

Other books I don't have which I need to read: Batman Beyond #13 and The Sheriff of Babylon #10!

Duke Thomas, Batman's Better-Than-Robin sidekick that has all the Fangenders up in arms because how dare Batman say he wants to try something better than Robin?! Shouldn't he say "different"?! Why can't Batman act the way the Fangenders want! Not that any two groups of Fangenders can agree on anything. I remember the days when the Fangenders could hardly interact with each other and definitely didn't have access to the artists and could only whine to each other down at the local comic book shop. Now everybody can simply ask them a question on Twitter whenever they want. Or accuse them of being gross assholes who don't fucking get it because how dare they?!

So, as I was saying before I digressed myself out of finishing my initial sentence, Duke Thomas has devised a Batman Emergency Alert System for Gotham in just such a Monster Hurricane Situation as this Night of the Monster Men thing.

Christ. No wonder Red Robin was "killed" and Bluebird sent off to school. Who needs them when Duke is practically the same exact type of genius?

Spoiler, Orphan, and Clayface are helping evacuate the city. Batman and Batwoman are battling the monsters (or Monster since, so far, they're only attacking one at a time). Duke and Alfred are experimenting on Monster cells to try to find a way to turn them back into corpses. And Dick Grayson has been tasked with finding Hugo Strange and kicking him in the nuts.

Nightwing discovers four bodies are missing. Does that mean this will only run four issues? Because the Cyclops died last issue. And it looks like the Hydra-Gryphon will probably eat it this issue. Then the Deadly Rage Mushroom Worm will be causing trouble by the end of this issue, probably. Which leaves the last Monster which might be some kind of gigantic tadpole. Dick's investigating and should know more in a few pages! Until then, I'll just pretend like I know what's about to happen. I totally do! Woo-ee! You just won't believe it!

Oh wait! The gigantic tadpole is actually a mutant spider dude. I probably could have guessed that if I had paid closer attention to the cover. It looks like Dick will be dealing with that one on his own while Spoiler, Orphan, and Clayface deal with the Angry Fungi in Detective Comics. Probably.

Oh wait! Dick doesn't have to face the mutant spider dude like on the cover because Gotham Girl has decided she will go fight it, no matter how Psycho-Pirated her brain still is. And that's when this issue ends!

The Ranking!
0! This is a Nightwing comic book and I don't think fans of Nightwing would appreciate a story where he's harangued by Batman to leave the action and then on his way to more action, he's beat to the punch by Gotham Girl. Why is he even bothering with this crossover at all?! At least he saved one citizen. I guess that was supposed to be a nice, heroic moment. I mean, it was one person more he saved than in the entire late 80's run of The New Teen Titans!

Batman #7

Shouldn't the title of this crossover be "Dark Night of the Monster Men"?!

The Review!
The Monster Men have arrived in Gotham and it's just as whatever as I knew it would be! It's full of this and loaded with tons of that! It probably needed some kind of tagline like "If you thought Batman fought monsters before, wait until you get a load of 'Night of the Monster Men'!" Or maybe, "'Night of the Monster Men' will have you thinking, 'Gee whiz! I'm glad it's not Monster Women!" How about, "I bet you couldn't wait to read the story where Batman teams up with the Suicide Squad, right? Well you have no choice but to! Because this week, it's 'Night of the Monster Men'!"

The premise is that Hugo Strange has turned a bunch of corpses into monsters. Those monsters are now attacking Gotham on the night a major hurricane is supposed to sweep in. Since Red Robin has just died, Batman declares that nobody else is allowed to die. But he made that declaration before he knew the city wasn't just trying to survive a hurricane. Now they've got the Monster Men to deal with too! The silver lining on the hurricane is that the Monster Men were created from corpses. That means Batman can kill them because killing a reanimated corpse isn't actually killing. So I probably shouldn't say he's "killing" them. He's just, um, "putting them back to rest."

Nightwing has come to town to help like a big idiot so now his comic book is caught up in the Monster Men crossover too! What a fool! Too bad Red Robin is dead because he probably could name all of the monsters they're going to have to battle. He seemed like a huge nerd. But I can also name them! Don't try to transitive property those previous two sentences, jerko! The first monster Batman kills is a cyclops. It's from that one that he discovers Hugo Strange is behind the Monster Men. But the next monster only attacks on the last page so Nightwing will probably have to defeat it in his comic book. It's a griffon. Or just a dragon. Maybe a Bat Dragon? Yeah! That's probably what it is. A Bat Dragon!

Steve Orlando and Tom King are behind this story so it must have some depth to it, right? It's not just about fighting monsters in Gotham, right? Maybe the hurricane is a metaphor for all of Batman's tears over Tim's death. And the Monster Men are representative of what Batman could become if he lets his grief get the better of him. Or maybe this is all just a way to get the heroes back into action without any kind of mourning story since we just had the story about Gotham Girl's mourning. Plus Tim got his wake in Teen Titans. Which is weird since it was Rebirth Tim Drake who died and The New 52 Titans who mourned him. It's as if the Rebirth world is just The New 52 rebranded so that all of the angry people who hated The New 52 could begin reading DC again without losing any face. Everybody knows it's still The New 52 universe but we're all pretending that it's different somehow. I mean, Wally West is back! That's got to count for something for all the jerks who liked him for some reason.

The Ranking!
+0! It's just this comic book story, you know? Nothing special and nothing terrible. Hopefully the rest of the chapters will make it stand out.

New Titans #95 (March 1993)

This art makes me incredibly grateful that Phil Jimenez is writing Superwomans and not drawing it.

The New Titans have had a lot of terrible stories in their nearly 100 issue run so far but nothing as supremely terrible as this three part story. Louise Simonson’s writing is terrible. Phil Jimenez’s art is barely tolerable. Nightwing has a rattail. Gar has a mullet. There’s a mysterious gorilla spying around a corner (you can see him right there on the cover! That’s all he does inside the comic book too!).

Normally, if the writing were at least mediocre and the art wasn’t so consistently terrible, I would say the worst part about this comic book is that Red Star is the main character (sorry, Red Star fans. But, seriously, if he’s your favorite? Maybe read at least one other thing with another character in it? He’ll soon be your second favorite character!). The other main Titan is Cyborg and he’s currently just a remote controlled killing machine (which makes him only slightly less likeable than when he’s an autonomous being responsible for his own decisions and lackluster personality).

The “B” story involves Nightwing trying to use Mirage so that Dick Grayson can become known as a playboy just like Bruce Wayne. This should allow Dick to date Starfire in public without exposing Grayson’s identity as Nightwing. Now newspapers will just print headlines like “Dick Grayson and Starfire Are Total Sluts” by Iris West.

Also in this issue? Gar continues to not fuck Tara because I don’t know. Pantha kills one bird, Wildebeest gets blamed for it, and Gar flips the fuck out about it. It’s not like Baby Wildebeest was found with the corpse of the neighbor’s kid in his arms!

I'm going to assume Red Star just doesn't have a handle on the English language.


Short Sword? Why didn’t he take the name Gladius? Oh wait! I think I get it now. Hee hee.


I think Louise Simonson is trying to let the reader know these guys are dumb and/or she can't write dialogue.

These weird Roman henchmen are so dumb that Nightwing defeats them by farting on them.

Did Batman teach him this?

Previously, I've complained that Pantha's tail comes directly out of her butthole. But she's always been in costume so I'm sure many of you have thought, "Idiot, Tess. Obviously it doesn't come out of her butthole! You're just obsessed with buttholes."

I'll take my apology now!

Harley Quinn #4

Normally a Harley Quinn comic on the top of the stack drives me away from the blog for about 24 hours. This time, I'm just going to power right through!

The Commentary!
What do you think Harley's nipples look like? I bet they're green. Her butthole too! If they are, it's probably less likely staining from the ACE Chemicals vat and more likely Poison Ivy's lipstick.

This issue is called "108 Million Ways to Die!" That's probably an exaggeration because even in the smallest legible font, I doubt they could list that many ways in twenty pages. Maybe if they hadn't wasted the first page with a James Bond style Harley pose in front of a Choose Your Own Adventure book cover. There might be clues to the upcoming story because it has buildings that look like swirly ice cream cones, Too Fast For Furious cars racing, and bullets flying out of Harley's vagina. There's also that famous crypt in India that people love to talk about seeing in person after they spent a lot of money to go see it in person.

The issue begins in New York with Harley making wiener comments and some guy adding a "That's what she said!" joke. I mean, it's not really a joke, is it? It's just something you say after anything because you're not witty enough to come up with any material of your own. I know a lot of people say it because it's a stupid thing to say and it's particularly more entertaining when said after something that makes no sense. I mean, my favorite response to everything is "You're an X!" where X is just some noun the other person used in the previous sentence which probably had nothing to do with me.

Harley meets some guy named Frank Frank who amazes her by saying the most obvious shit. Who the fuck is Frank Frank? Why did he make an appearance here? Stop writing your stupid friends into the comic book, Jimmy and Amanda!

When is the first way to die of 108 million going to take place? I'm getting bored!

Harley discovers she has a mission to shut down some scam phone callers in India. She takes Bolly Quinn with her on their adventure. Hopefully she likes showering with Harley Quinn as much as Poison Ivy does.

I never find out about Holly's love of shared showers because the changing scene happens off-panel. But that's the only reason I purchased this comic book? So I could see Harley Quinn in her underwear! I mean, the rest of the story wasn't worth the cover price at all! Harley kills some Russian thugs and stops the international phone scammers. Did Jimmy and Amanda write this story simply because they were sick of getting voice messages about how the IRS was about to sue their asses? Maybe they had a relative who was taken in by the scam! If that did happen to them, it wasn't interesting enough to make a comic book out of. If it didn't happen to them, why the fuck did they make an uninteresting comic book out of it? And just when I thought I was okay with Harley Quinn comics! I guess Frank Frank's declaration at the beginning that life is meaningless was a big hint that this comic book was also going to be meaningless.

The Ranking!
-1! I was so bored with this comic book that I kept saying out loud "That's what she said!" after reading every speech bubble.