Batman #52

I bet we get Happy Batman for only one issue and the Rebirth will provide him with plenty of reasons to be sad and justice-obsessed again. Besides, we already have Happy Batman and his name is Dick Grayson.

The Review!
If Issue #51 was Snyder's epilogue, Issue #52 is Tynion's footnote. That doesn't mean it's less important! Footnotes are quite important to the overall understanding of the complicated thing being read. Or the wanting to be postmodern thing being read. Whatever. Anyway, it's a pleasant little story about how Alfred helped focus young Bruce's obsession so that the search for justice wouldn't consume him, and he'd always keep in mind that he was doing it for his parents. Or something. Maybe I didn't understand the story as much as I could have had I not been punching holes in my wall while screaming, "Why didn't you ever show your love, Daddy?! Why couldn't you die while I still had an untarnished image of you, Mommy?!" Reading this will probably be a different experience for most of you. Aside from the damaged sheet rock, it was an enjoyable story!

The Commentary!
Thanks to Jury Duty, I'm even further behind in my comic books than I already was! What shit timing because Rebirth comes out in about ten hours and I won't be able to read it immediately. Which means somebody, somewhere, is definitely going to spoil the entire thing for me. I guess I'm just going to have to ignore my Message Inbox for a few weeks. Luckily, nothing exciting happened during Jury Duty. It was so many levels of boring greater than I remember boring being. The best part was when a guy approached me because he must have thought I was poverty-stricken. He came up to me on the second day during lunch and said, "Excuse me, sir. I noticed you didn't go out for lunch yesterday either. Would you like a sandwich?" He then offered me what looked like a homemade egg salad sandwich which obviously means it's also a homemade germs from his unwashed dick hands sandwich as well. I politely declined and then chuckled to myself. See, I have this Burberry trench coat that I've been wearing for nearly a decade that I call my bum coat. I purchased it for less than twenty bucks at a Buffalo Exchange for a Philip K. Dick costume. Now ten years or so on, it looks even more like a hobo trench coat because it's severely in need of a good dry cleaning. It probably has more unwashed dick hands germs on it than the guy's Smeg-Salad sandwich.

Anyway, the final issue of New 52 Batman! I guess Scott Snyder couldn't be bothered to write fifty-two issues because he's a highfalutin la-dee-da dandy-pants. It's a good thing James Tynion IV is his thrall. "Larksadaisy, I think I've got a touch of the vapors! Somebody get Squire James on the horn and tell him another opportunity for greatness has arisen! He may write Batman once more! Oh, and whoever made this sweet tea? Kill them."

The issue begins two weeks after Martha and Thomas Wayne were murdered. Doctor Leslie Thompkins decides to pay Alfred and Bruce a visit. She also believes it's a good time to make jokes about acquiring the Wayne's grandfather clock. Alfred also explains why Wayne Manor wound up creepily being the home of just a butler and a young boy for so long. Alfred had to fire the other staff because he always hated them.

Doctor Leslie's professional advice to young Bruce was to make a list because she's the psychological equivalent of Cracked dot com. But Bruce is too young to realize that making lists is a stupid fucking way to organize content. It's much better to simply label something in a completely misleading and incomprehensible way so that you can disguise the place where you actually tell your most secret inner failings and life-shattering existentialist fears. Then people will stumble upon it and think, "What is this nonsense? Oh! I think it's about a subject I enjoy! Plus it's funny! I think. I mean, what's with all the wallowing in death anxiety and obvious abundance of Mother Issues?"

The first thing on Bruce's list must be "Watch more television." The second thing on his list is "Learn something mystical and wise from an Oriental mystic." Don't side-eye me! Bruce is the one who uses terms like "Oriental!" Didn't you see how I put that in quotes? That means it was based on the character and not mired in my racism!

After those two seminal moments of Bruce's past (which must be the most seminal moments ever or why did the story begin with them?), the story returns to the present where Batman is continuing his obsession with making lists.

This must be a new list because "Disappear." is totally different from "Watch more Great Space Coaster!"

Batman is hunting a new villain named Crypsis. It's also possibly an old villain. How should I know? Is this called Eee! Who's Who Ate Chai Tea? Of coruse it isn't! That doesn't make any sense, dumb-dumb.

I'm not ashamed that I had to look up on the Internet what "crypsis" meant. I am ashamed to say I've already forgotten because the Internet is full of naked people.

Batman fails to stop Crypsis from stealing Safety Deposit Box 1047. That number probably means something. But if it has anything to do with October 1947, I don't know what that would be because the covers of Batman and Detective Comics for that month are just the usual silly bullshit featuring Penguin and The Joker. The case has something important to Bruce Wayne inside of it. Maybe it's his original Recovery To-Do List! It could cause some real embarrassment for Bruce Wayne if Vicki Vale were to get her hands on it! You all know how embarrassing your earliest attempts at writing were, right? I mean, I don't know because everything I've ever written has been spun gold. I mean, it hasn't actually proven to be valuable at all. But some day, I'll be regarded as the more reclusive Emily Dickinson!

Another entry: #3 See How Small I Can Make My Penis.

Batman continues to remember his list and I have to admit, it is funnier than most of Cracked dot com's lists. "Disappear. Feel nothing. Let go of everything. Make them feel what I feel (which is, by the way, nothing if I'm doing the list correctly. Don't worry! It probably makes sense! My mind is damaged from trauma, remember! Gosh! Stop being so judgy!)."

There's another flashback and it makes my tear ducts think that they might be needed later, so they begin firing up the machinery.

Does Leslie Thompkins actually have a degree? What the hell has she been telling this kid?!

Bruce tears out the page with Alfred's addendum to his list. Oh, I bet that's what's in the stupid safety deposit box! Just that one page! And I bet Alfred wrote something stupid like "#99: If you insist on masturbating into the hand towels, please rinse them out yourself." Or maybe something more helpful and heartfelt also.

The entire notebook is inside the box. But I bet Alfred's page is Scotch taped back in! And I bet it's covered in baby Bruce tears!

Uuuuuuunnnnnnnnnnggggggggggggghhhhhhh! Whew. Whew. I did it! I avoided tacking on "and semen!" to the previous paragraph! I have the willpower of Hal Jordan!

Dammit. That didn't make me cry at all. Shut'er down, tear ducts! You won't be needed again until we pass another dead raccoon on the freeway!

Don't get my caption wrong! It's a nice bit of writing and a touching sentiment and blah-de-blah-blah-blah! It's just I've never given a fuck about how proud or not proud my parents were of me! Proud? Who the fuck cares about proud?! You know what did mean the world to me? The unconditional love of my mother's parents who never would have expressed their affection in such a cold way as "being proud." You know who says things like "We're proud of you no matter what you do"? Assholes parents who are really just saying, "Well, you're a fucking failure, but I guess we have to love you anyway." Look what needing somebody to proud of them has done to this poor lonely, damaged, and frightened child?! He had to become the greatest hero of all time just to think maybe he could make his Mommy and Daddy proud!

You know what? I could just be arguing semantics! But I really feel it's an important distinction to make sure your kids know you love them and want them to be happy and fuck all this pride nonsense. It's what makes corporate monsters!

Harley Quinn and Her Gang of Harleys #2

Awesome! Tickle fetish comic book! Where's my dick?!

The Review or Whatever!
I have jury duty Monday and Tuesday and many other days if they actually choose me for a jury. I don't imagine I'm good jury material though. I'm fairly certain most lawyers, prosecutors and defendants don't really want a cynical bastard who doesn't give a shit about anything except staying alive another miserable fucking day being placed on their jury. Should I tell them outright that if I'm on the jury, I will be rolling my eyes every few sentences and constantly making jerk-off hand motions as people give testimony? Or should I just let everybody be surprised by that? I hope they ask me how I feel about police because I've got a prepared statement for that one! They don't mind people clearing their throats and pulling a ream of crumpled papers out of their pocket to read, right? Do they ask jurors to swear on a Bible for anything? Do courts still do that? How does that keep people from lying? Is the fear of an imaginary underworld full of torture and monsters supposed to keep people from lying in a courtroom that, if there were a God, God would not give two shits about? Human law? What the fuck does God care if somebody lies in a human court of human law?! You think he cares about rational human laws? Have you read Deuteronomy?!

This issue begins with Harley about to get raped by a thug while tied to a chair. Okay, okay. Nobody actually mentions rape. Some dialogue is added so the creep actually says he wants to knock some of her teeth out. But the vibe is implicitly rapey and he approaches Harley with his hand on his belt. And then, of course, there's this panel:

I had to check the cover after this scene to make sure this comic wasn't called Gang Rape of Harleys.

Of course, the point of this scene is for this guy to get his comeuppance for being a sexual predator (or a tooth-knocking out predator, if you're into literal readings of words and not the sly wink-wink reading between the lines thing). Harley Sinn (Ugh. Typing that is my Vietnam) makes sure to stop the violence before it gets started. Harley Sinn is the person who kidnapped Harley Quinn because even anti-heroes need to battle reflections of themselves on occasion. Harley Sinn also might need to find a costume that actually fits her.

Whoops! I think her labia majora is showing!

Harley Quinn believes she recognizes Harley Sinn. She was probably one of the candidates for the gang who didn't make the cut. If this were two years ago, I'd probably dig through my short boxes to find the interview issues but I just don't have that kind of passion any more. I'd figure out exactly who Harley Sinn was and then constantly remind people how I guessed who it was immediately. Maybe I should demote myself from Grandmaster Comic Book Reader if I'm not willing to put in the work?!

Maybe Harley Sinn is the candidate who I wrote "had sores all over her body and is obsessed with death"? Or perhaps it's the one that I described as being able to lick her own asshole? It's also possible she's the podcaster because we all know how demented podcasters are.

Harley Sinn's gang of sex clowns is called the Sinn-dicate. That's so clever that I'm retiring from the being clever business! See how not clever that statement was? Because I'm retired!

If you weren't entertained by the near rape scene at the beginning of the comic book, perhaps you'll enjoy the near gay bashing a few pages later? A bunch of bikers harass Harvey Quinn as he walks by. Why would Frank and Jimmy want to portray bikers as homophobes? That's an awful stereotype! #NotAllBikers.

Harvey beats up the bikers but not because they were slinging insults at him. He beats them up because one of them shoves an old lady down. Now that's more like the bikers I know!

For some reason, Harley Sinn calls off the hits on all of the Harley Gang just in the nick of time! She saves their lives! I mean, sure, after she put their lives in danger. I'm not sure if that counts or not.

If you weren't entertained by the near gay bashing, perhaps you'll enjoy the racist bit where a bunch of youths are assumed to be muggers simply because of the way they look? Oh wait! I guess that bit is a commentary on how bigots jump to the worst conclusion of people based on superficial reasons. And I guess the gay bashing scene was a commentary on how gay bashing is bad. And I guess the near rape scene was a commentary on how rape is wrong. So I guess this is an entertaining comic book after all! And it has lessons to learn! We now know that stereotyping, gay bashing, and rape are things that only jerks do! Thank you, comic book! I'm a better human being already!

Instead of the Harleys all being killed by individual assassins because one of the assassins was killed trying to rape Harley, Harley Sinn waits until they all meet up at Bolly Quinn's family restaurant. Then she has Edna Sinn blow up the restaurant with a rocket launcher. Oh great. So now I'm supposed to believe firing rocket launchers into restaurants is bad too, right?! Sheesh. Whatever. Stupid morality tale.

Legends of Tomorrow #3

Gross. Mercury is like a goldfish dragging a turd around the bowl.

The Review!
Legends of Tomorrow is a throwback to DC's old super-sized anthology series. I guess DC is hoping fans of Firestorm, The Metal Men, or Metamorpho are willing to pay this kind of money to support a book with their favorite character in it. I am a fan of the idea although I think DC made a slight misstep. While this book works and the stories being told are probably better than average (or just average which in today's mainstream comic book climate sometimes seems better than average), I think they could really use one solid lead story featuring a character DC knows will sell. Yes, I'm actually proposing they shove a Harley Quinn story in this thing. Or, at least, this would have been the perfect vehicle for The Gang of Harleys story. I wonder how many more copies this would sell if they replaced one of the current stories with a Lobo story? And I'm not talking about Twat Lobo! I mean an old school, Alan Grantesque (or Keith Giffenesque, I suppose) Lobo story! I also think at least one of the four stories should always be a single issue story whose lead character gets rotated out for a different character each month. Just that kind of variety alone would probably bring in more people willing to give each month a new shot.

The Bullet Points!
This book is too long for a normal commentary! It gets bullet points or else I won't have time to eat today. Not that I need food! Thanks to a year of mourning and not caring about anything, I think I have enough Oreo energy inside of me to last a decade!

• Speaking of mourning, the grave of my cat and used-to-be-best-friend-until-he-ditched-me-for-the-comfort-of-eternal-nonexistence is in my backyard. I've turned Judas's grave into a statuary garden with a big wooden fish and a peace symbol made from beer caps inset into concrete and an angel from my Grandmother's house and a spooky human head and a rock with the Cheshire Cat on top of it and a Sailor Moon figure and a Sailor Mercury figure and a Chibi-Moon figure. Last weekend, the property manager sent a crew of assholes to do some yard work around the place. I would have sent professional landscapers but I guess assholes are cheaper. After they were done, I went outside to find all of the statues piled up in the center of the space as if a poltergeist had taken up residence there. Sailor Moon and Sailor Mercury were nowhere to be found but judging by the dismembered pieces of Chibi-Moon I discovered, it didn't take Columbo to figure out what happened to them. Who the fuck does yard work and decides not to give any fucks about what is obviously a purposeful installation and not just a load of garbage lying in the dirt? Besides, I keep Judy's grave nice and neat, so they didn't even need to bother with that patch of ground! Luckily for them, I find it more amusing than anger-inducing that such unrepentant douchéstorks live in this world and just replaced the lost figures with another Sailor Moon figure, a Xena Warrior Princess figure, and Jigglypuff. I should probably dig around for more figures in preparation for next time!

Firestorm!
• When we last left Firestorm, I was thinking, "I don't care about Firestorm. Why did I pay $8 for this book?"

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond are once again Firestorm. Fans of old things and nothing changing cheer while they pull their cocks and vaginas and lighter-fluid-covered crosses out in preparation for the return of their apparent savior, White Wally West.

• The Firestorm story is called "United We Fall" because isn't that clever. See how they turned the old adage inside out? You know what else I'd like to see turned inside out? A clown.

• The story begins with Firestorm battling Major Force. Major Force is a hero only by the most technical of definitions and only if you're an American and only if you're a warmonger. That sentence was a sentence I could never get away with if I changed Major Force to anybody in the military, even if the sentence would still be true.

• General Eiling wants to turn Firestorm into a weapon under his control so he made up some bullshit reason to bring Firestorm in. And since Firestorm knows it's bullshit and refuses to comply, Firestorm will now be arrested for the most bullshit reason of all: resisting arrest. That's just something some genius "peace" officer came up with to give them a reason for beating the shit out of anybody who doesn't respect them any time they want.

• Martin Stein and Ronnie Raymond learn to trust each other quickly because nobody wants to keep buying $8 anthology books to see them bicker month after month. Plus we've seen this before many times. If DC has decided they want old fashioned Firestorm back together for some reason, it's best to just get it over with quickly.

• Multiplex has decided that retaining a vendetta against Midnighter is bad for his peace of mind, so he's now venturing forth on a new project! That project is to break quantum entanglement so that every aspect of himself is a pure, unadulterated individual. That seems like a really stupid fucking idea. But then Multiplex seems like a shortsighted idiot, mostly based on his need to attack Midnighter more than once.

The Hollywood Theatre is not in downtown Portland. It's on the east side of the river, dumb dumbs.

• I used to actively avoid any movie at the Hollywood Theatre if I could help it (it plays independent and obscure films, so it can't totally be avoided if you're interested in movies that don't just string fifty scenes of explosions and bullets together) because it was always so fucking cold. I saw I Don't Know Jack there years ago, and handful of other movies since then. Just last year, I went back to see that documentary made by the brother of that guy in The National and the place has been completely refurbished. No more cold stone concrete floors and breezy everythings! Plus they have a pie window now! Although you have to pay for them. You can't just sneak up and steal them as they cool on the sill.

• Firestorm is captured by Eiling and Major Force. I guess this wasn't yet the issue where things turn around and the hero wins. Maybe next time?

Metamorpho!
• Last issue, Metamorpho and Sapphire Stagg were transported to another planet (or time (or dimension (or plane of existence))). This is a fitting thing to happen in a Metamorpho story because he's fucking weird. It's not a fitting thing to happen in an Aquaman story. I mean, I guess it's okay in an Aquaman story because everybody has huge boners and engorged labias over Ancient Astronauts. So why can't the people of Atlantis also be aliens from another planet! It totally makes sense! I mean, if you believe in fictional things and in things that make less sense than rational explanations of those things.

• This story is called "Brave New World." Sometimes, I fantasize about going back in time to stand over Shakespeare's shoulder as he writes The Tempest and say things like, "You sure you want to use that phrase? 'Brave New World'? Maybe something less likely that people will glom onto in the future? How about 'Check this shit and the weird people in it!'? No? Hey! Bill! You know how you're spending all this time agonizing over word choices and characterizations and stage directions? Guess what will be way more fucking popular than anything you ever write? Guess what more people will parody than your Romeo and Juliet balcony scene? You're totally going to lose your shit over this. Ready? 'Got milk.' Seriously. 'Got milk.' People go fucking nuts over that! Twenty years and people still fucking change the 'milk' part to whatever they're doing and believing they're fucking comedic geniuses! Sorry to bring you down, Bill. I like your shit. Keep up the good work!"

• I fucking hate people who add shit to Wikipedia. I looked up the "got milk?" campaign just to see how old it was. And just because I love to wind myself up and ensure that one day I'll die of a stroke, I scrolled down to read the "Parody and References" section. At first I thought, "Well, there's not enough room on the internet for that shit!" But there were only four examples, probably because "got milk?" isn't usually parodied in Anime. But the last entry by some thick-skulled moron who thinks every fucking thing that they remember while baking themselves on the couch is important was this: "In the Daria episode 'Psycho Thereapy', Jake Morgendorffer, when his efforts to get a glass of milk are thwarted by his wife Helen, roars, 'Got milk? Not Jakey! Dammit!'." What the fuck?! Who fucking cares! Imagine if everybody who ever saw or heard one of these "got milk?" references added them to this page, it would be bigger than the rest of the Internet together! How about I add this blurb: "On the freeway between Snoqualmie and North Bend is a restaurant called 'Got Rice' which is a subtle reference to the 'got milk?' campaign."

• Metamorpho and Sapphire meet the Ancient Astronauts who became the Egyptians. I think. I mean, they're awfully Caucasian looking to be descended from Ancient Egyptian Astronauts. Except the one guy who isn't! So maybe I'm wrong. Except Rex mentions they sound like they're speaking Ancient Egyptian. So maybe I'm right!

• How does Rex know what Ancient Egyptian sounds like?

• Kanjar Ro and his men follow Rex and Saph through the interdimensional planetary otherworldly transport. Remember how they want to use Metamorpho and the Orb of Ra for fuel?

• Saph's ass is my new favorite character.

• Metamorpho is, of course, the Chosen One. I would have chosen Sapph's ass but then I'm a feminist.

• Metamorpho and Sapphire learn that the Egyptians were indeed Ancient Astronauts led by a madman named Dagan Ra. Their first reaction isn't, "Well, that's nuts since everything was already so self-explanatory via all the evidence found by archaeologists." Instead it was, "Oh yeah! Totally. That makes sense! The other stuff we thought about the Egyptians was obviously pure hoodoo nutso nonsense!"

• To thank Sapphire for helping him and believing in him and caring about him and having such a smoking hot booty, Rex makes a diamond from his left testicle and gives it to her. She loves it!

• The story ends with Rex, Saph, and their new friend, Princess Neith, adventuring to find the Orb of Ra. I mean, it ends with a bigger cliffhanger than that, of course! But unless I scan the final page, telling you they encountered a Wolvengot isn't really going to mean anything.

Sugar and Spike!
• Now it's time for my favorite part of this anthology! Although I will say a rare positive thing about Legends of Tomorrow: it's telling stories with beginnings, middles, and ends! I appreciate when writers have a point to their stories and it helps if they know their story will have a definite end. Legends of Tomorrow doesn't feel like the kind of book that is just going to keep on and on with the four different sets of characters they're currently using. Either it'll end when all these stories are told, or it'll keep going with a new character whenever one of the current stories ends. I prefer that kind of comic book than one where the writer just keeps writing and writing and writing and thinking up new stories while sort of forgetting what the old story was to go in a new direction that completely contradicts the old story. I don't have any particular Scott Lobdell in mind when I say that.

• In this issue of Sugar and Spike, Private Investigations (Metahumans a specialty), Wonder Woman needs some help sorting a possible embarrassing situation from her past that she wouldn't want to resurface and ruin her credibility. I can't wait to find out which Golden Age story this is about! According to the cover, she's looking for an annulment from Mr. Monster!

• I think this is another one of those secret messages to me! Hi Giffen! Hi!

• The only real issue I have with Giffen's Sugar and Spike stories is that they rely pretty heavily on a great big wink from Giffen regarding the original Golden Age stories (okay, some Silver Age too, maybe?) they're based on. The story relies on the reader knowing about Batman's weird fucking costumes he's worn in the past, or that Superman once made an island in his own image, or that Wonder Woman almost married a monster. Sure, you can read it without knowing DC once told these stories. But I think much of the fun of the series is that Sugar and Spike are dealing with stupid shit that has been relegated to the dustbin of DC Comics history. But that's also what I truly love about them. Before this, when has anybody written a story that flatly states Wonder Woman's near marriage to Mister Monster is fucking canon? Even if all of the other versions of herself were at the wedding!

The Metal Men!
• The Metal Men story begins with the biggest impossibility I've seen in a DC story in a long time. No, not Robotman being a human brain in a robot. No, not the Metal Men being intelligent metal that can change into any shape at all and do pretty much anything the writer wants them to. No, the impossibility is how The Metal Men pick up actual news reports on an analog television set without an HD Adapter. I suppose the part where I said the Metal Men can become anything trumps my complaint since Tin must have simply turned into rabbit ears and an HD Adapter.

• The short amount of television they pick up is about Red Tornado going nuts at Six Flags. I don't mean he's eating tons of elephant ears and corn dogs and riding coasters until he pukes. I mean he's threatening to kill everybody. Probably because he got drunk at one of the adult food stands.

• The Metal Men borrow one of Niles Caulder's flying inventions and leave the most interesting character in this story behind. I guess Cliff Steele doesn't mind since he's more of a reluctant hero. But I'm sure going to miss him! Now the rest of the story is just going to be inane nonsense bandied about by the stupid Metal Men.

• Red Tornado isn't in control of his actions. His destruction is due to a guy named Nameless! He's a clever re-imagining of the real life hacker group, Anonymous! That was a free fact for stupid people.

• The Metal Men, having empathy for another robot, defeat Red Tornado without tearing him limb from limb like usually happens.

• The story ends with the United States Army surrounding the Metal Men to take them back into custody. They should have said, "You're going to capture us? You and the United States Army and what army?!"

The Legend of Wonder Woman #5

I guess Wonder Woman is going to beat up those ghosts this issue?

The Review or Whatever!
I was promised Diana taking a shower this issue and I did not get Diana taking a shower! What the hell?! David and Meredith Finch would know better than to leave the shower scene between issues! Meredith is probably all, "David, I don't think people are reading Wonder Woman to see her shower for five straight pages." And David would probably go, "But MeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeeEEEEEeeeeeerrrrrrrrry! I want to draw Wonder Woman naaaaaaaakeeeeeeeed!" And Meredith probably says, "But it isn't important to the plot, David. And if we put in that scene, I'm going to have to write extra scenes where she punches guys in the face for being creepy and intruding on her space!" And then David would probably go, "You already have me drawing like three guys and it's sooooooooOOOOoooooOOOOooooo booooooooooorrrrrrrrrrring!" So then Meredith sighs and says, "Okay. Two panels where Diana does something in a towel, okay?" And David would be all, "Woo hoo! Boner City, here I come!" Now that's comic book writing!

So instead of Diana trying to hide behind steam and a washcloth, I get Diana in a house dress covered in chickens! You know what? I bet the Non-Certified Spouse would love that dress. It's totally the kind of thing she'd wear and call her Battered Housewife dress.

More makeup, probably!

I always think when you see somebody with more makeup than you might usually expect, they've put on some makeup to cover up the horrible makeup they put on earlier. Is that how it works?

Diana and Etta have gone into town to talk to Perry White about an article he wrote. Apparently Perry got his start working for the Weekly World News. That was my favorite newspaper growing up. They were always on the forefront of world events! Probably made-up world events but still! They were events that no other newspaper ever reported on! Slackers!

While Diana learns that some guy with a magic jewel is raising the dead for the Nazis, Etta continues to try to stop her parents from publishing an embarrassing advert of her. I bet I know what picture her parents are using!

The ad came out in 1944! Same year that this comic book takes place!

Etta's parents are in some kind of hair cream business, so it's probably not that exact ad. But it must be something like it since Etta's parents have the picture and Etta will be completely embarrassed if it comes out. Maybe it just proves she's not a real blonde! Is that a bad thing? I don't think that's a bad thing. Maybe in 1944, dyeing your hair wasn't respectable?

Oh wait. The advert is shown later and its a cream for removing hair. Specifically, facial hair. And it features Etta with copy announcing that it's Etta! Her parents are jerks! That can't even fictionalize it? I wonder if Etta did an advert for her bikini line too!

So, um, anyway, Diana does some stuff and Etta does some stuff and they meet Steve Trevor who tells them how easy it is to get to Europe. So they go! Between all the stuff they do, they talk about feminism or something. I don't quite remember because I was laughing so hard at a woman with a mustache! Ha ha! Oh, silly Etta!

Seriously though! Remember how I write that so readers know I'm being serious?! It's my new thing! So, anyway, this is a well-written book telling a compelling story which also looks magnificent! I'm probably not telling anybody anything new since everybody probably already read this story months ago when the digital version came out. It might not be as sexy as the Finches Wonder Woman, but it's also not as stupid! Although it is kind of sexy too. Did you see Steve Trevor in his uniform? He was so stunning Etta had to go home and change.

Bloodlines #2

Since the bloody "s" is part of the title, is that other drop part of it too? Is this really Blooodlines?

The Review!
Last issue we learned the names of the main characters and their defining, stereotypical, and often meant-to-be-super-surprising trait. Eddie has a disability! Haley is a tough-as-nails mechanic! Blake is a dick cop! The genius kid is a genius! Dana is a not-like-other-females female vlogger! Faith loves to shop! This issue, we get to learn the super powers that go with those character traits! The disabled kid is super abled! Haley's tough-as-nails exterior becomes a tough-as-nails Wolverine-esque defense! The dick cop can blow things up! The vlogger is electric or something! The little shopper Faith is super greedy and can manifest a demon to get everything she wants! I think that makes her the villain. Or my sister. Genius kid Albert gains invisibility because nobody ever notices him and he has no friends. Probably. So that's it! We've learned so much about these characters in two issues that we should all know whether or not we want to continue reading about them! I know I do! I mean, I know I will, at least, since I read all of DC's books. Is that a positive review? Good try, J.T. Krul! I mean job! Not try! Maybe. Whatever. It's better than Green Arrow #1-3, if that says anything.

The Commentary!
This is a brand new comic book with brand new characters so please forgive me when I call them all by incorrect names. Even though I'm a genius (never mind my IQ! Those tests aren't calibrated for my level of smartiness!), my brain can only capacitate the capacity for a certain amount of capacitiousness. Fuck you, Trump! I have all the best words!

The girl on the cover might be Faith because that's a name I remember from last issue. Her mother was the one with the ass that made the service station man go crazy with boy juice. And we all know what happens when a guy goes crazy with boy juice! They disappear in another room for about thirty seconds and then wash their hands. At least I hope they wash their hands. I'm not going to talk about the way Faith is stirring my boy juice because she looks a little young. I wish artists would stop making young characters look like adult females because then I feel weird jerking off while thinking about them. But I remind myself that they're fictional characters and don't actually have an age and, besides, comic book artists don't know how to draw young girls. They only know how to draw sex objects. So if I'm attracted to the looks of a comic book character who is underage, it's the artist's fault! Some artists actually draw children who look like children and I hardly ever think they look sexy.

After that paragraph, I can probably wave goodbye to anybody who began following me because Gail Simone sometimes reblogs my Secret Six reviews!

Seriously though! You can tell I wasn't being serious earlier because I now started a paragraph that began "Seriously though!" Look at that cover. She's obviously a young girl based on her school uniform and her lack of secondary sexual characteristics (e.g. boobs. i.e. tits, titties, mammaries, breasts, pretty much any word ending in -as (as long as you cup the air in front of your chest with both hands)). But that face screams adult woman! I think it's mainly the dead, unfeeling eyes.

The issue begins with somebody talking about faith, so I think maybe I recognized a character and her name! Go my brain! I would spike you if I wasn't so afraid of what a concussion might do to my professional writing skills!

Who puts up a Van Halen poster for the 1998 version of Van Halen?! I hate that kid.

Cerebral Palsy Incredible Hulk is currently at the funeral for his friend Graham who was rutted to death by a super-villain deer. After the funeral, Graham's football buddies decide to blame Graham's death on Eddie (that's the kid I hate's name! I didn't remember it. It was finally used in dialogue). I think it's just an excuse for the football bros to beat on the skinny disabled kid. I don't think of his cerebral palsy as his disability. His taste in music is his disability.

While Eddie hides in the cemetery trying not to yell, "Eddie Smash!", Dana continues her fascinating video blog about her last year of school. Today, she's teaching people about make-up! Dana acted like her family had money so I don't understand why she's using a USB webcam! When is the last time anybody needed one of those? Computers have built in cameras now, Dana! Also phones have them. And watches. And food from Taco Bell. They're everywhere! I bet half the readers don't even recognize the webcam! They're probably all, "What's that?! Is that the Bloodlines thing that infected everybody? Look out, Dana! Look out!"

But I'm not finished! I mean, you're not finished!

I wonder if J.T. Krul hates his character Dana? She's exactly the kind of person his Green Arrow would be trying to throw in jail! How dare she think expressing herself on the internet was equal to somebody writing comic books? What a super-villain!

Hmm. Maybe I should like Dana instead of hating her instantly! We have so much in common! Although she said she didn't like pink and I love pink. You know what? Fuck her. I hope she's the first to die.

Um, anyway, Dana has electrical powers. I should probably note that here so I can remember it.

If you were wondering when J.T. Krul was going to get to the scene where a guy gets his comeuppance for hitting on a girl who obviously doesn't want to be hit on, you're in luck! Because Haley has an encounter with a guy who just won't take "No thanks. I'm good" for an answer! He winds up discovering (along with Haley) that her new superpower is Wolverine claws! But they come out of her body from her piercings. Or just from wherever. This is also a good time to remember that Haley and Dana aren't like other women! That makes them more interesting, I guess. And more insulting to the readers!

Blake, the dick cop, learns he's The New 52 Gunfire! Lucky!

Next we learn about Faith and I don't find her sexy at all anymore!

Christ. She's supposed to be what? Seven?

No wait. I think she must be twenty-six. Right?

This reminds me of that Bryan Adams' song that goes, "Baby you're all I need! When I'm lying there in your arms. I find it hard to believe...you're just seven." By the way, did anybody ever arrest him for that?

So, I guess Faith is the villain of the story! What a selfish brat! Or selfish young adult? Ugh. Whatever. Comic book artists, you are generally terrible.

Albert the genius kid who is a genius appears out of nowhere later that night to suggest creating a team of superheroes to Eddie! Albert gained the power of invisibility because he's a genius. Or because nobody ever notices him at school. Because he's a genius. Just remember he's a genius. It'll be important later for when J.T. Krul needs a character to come up with a plan that doesn't actually make sense. Then just remember Albert is a genius and you'll go, "Well, I guess that's why the plan works! Who am I, a stupid fucking idiot comic book reader, to question a person I've been told multiple times is a genius?!"

The book ends with an urban hunter named Duncan arriving on the scene to tell everybody it's the end of the world. I don't mean he's urban because he's black. I mean he's an urban hunter because he's one of those guys who solves problems in end of the world scenarios by killing bad guys and not a rural hunter who hunts deer. Although he probably should hunt at least one deer in this comic book. No, wait. Eddie already killed that deer. Never mind.

The New Titans #78 (August 1991)

Wolfman’s really taking the piss now, isn’t he? How many issues does it take to wrap up this fucking Wildebeest story arc?! It seems only one major thing happens each issue now and the rest is just the Titans grumbling about what happened to Joseph, or Joseph maniacally plotting his plot. Could it be Wolfman just didn’t know how to wrap this thing up so it would make sense so he just kept extending it month after month? Or maybe he just thought this was going to be his Tristram Shandy. I’m surprised the Wildebeest story isn’t still going strong here in 2016.

The Coming of the Supermen #4

Adams covers for this series are just various pictures of Superman being hurt.

The Review!
The dialogue in this comic book is terrible when it's good, and incomprehensible when it's bad. Characters speak in strange, staccato fragments. They respond to each other in ways that don't quite make sense to me. Sure, I'm able to get the gist of their conversations but they're more awkward than the conversation I had with the woman on the train to Seattle. She heard me describing to my friend Upright the next chapter of Dwarf Lover that involves Wonderland's Alice and revolves around identity. So as I passed her, she said, "What was that you were talking about? I love Alice in Wonderland!" I looked at her, paused, and walked away. Hmm. I guess it wasn't a conversation after all. Maybe the dialogue in this comic book is more realistic than I realized. Anyway, the dialogue isn't the worst part. This comic book feels like Neal Adams lost control of it somewhere around the second issue. It seems like Kalibak would have done well to not piss off Superman. Without Kalibak stealing Rafi, Superman would barely even bother with what was going down on Nibiru. I mean New Krypton. He would have kicked Steppenwolf off Earth and maybe signed some autographs for the mystery Supermen. I feel like Rafi must still be important to the story in some kind of Islam versus Christianity subtext that really hasn't been present since the first issue. Hopefully it'll come back next issue because it was the most interesting part of this story! Possibly because I made it up!

The Commentary!
Last issue ended with Orion entering the plot to make things more confusing. I suppose the only thing I need to know right now is that Kalibak kidnapped the kid that Superman kidnapped and now Superman wants him back. The battle is taking place on the shield that surrounds New Krypton which lies on the opposite side of the sun, in the same orbit, as Earth. This takes place in a timeline where Superman was allowed to keep his red underwear. I believe that means it doesn't matter to regular continuity because nobody was willing to ask Neal Adams to understand what the fuck was going on with The New 52.

Is it possible we're seeing Neal Adams have a stroke in real time as he scripted this?

I hope Neal Adams doesn't have a stroke any time soon just to make me feel bad for writing that! I'm glad I never had anything but nice things to say about Darwyn Cooke!

Orion awkwardly tells Superman about a rocket carrying a red sun mote headed toward Earth's yellow sun which will fuck everything up for Kryptonians everywhere in the Sol System. And by "telling Superman," he really just kind of drops a hint or two so that Superman has to repeat a key word from Orion's dialogue so Orion will continue to say a little bit more from which Superman must again repeat a key word so Orion says a bit more. It's like having a conversation with an NPC in Ultima IV. Orion could have just said, "Well, Supes, I know you want to rescue your boy but there's this red sun mote thing made by Lex and given to Darkseid which just got shot toward your sun. So choose, buddy! Sun or son, amirite?!"

Superman watches the rocket take off from New Krypton and follows after it. But he's not fast enough to stop it before the mote enters the sun because, as we all know, traveling from the Earth to the Sun in comic books takes about ten seconds. Now Superman is fucked because he's floating in space with the yellow sun turning orange. Or something.

After saying all that desperately hopeless bullshit, one doesn't usually say, "Things could be worse," do they?

Meanwhile, Rafi and his dog Isa (Remember! That means Jesus!) are having milk and cookies inside of Granny Goodness's Home For Awkward Teenagers. Granny Goodness offers them kindly and then screams at Rafi about how he's going to be her greatest project and how they're going to eat the dog later. Transubstantiation!

The mote did cause an orange spot on the sun just like I guessed, even if I was joking. I mean, I was totally being scientific about it! So Superman is now at half-power for the rest of the comic book. That'll make things more challenging! Although if, at full power, he wasn't able to catch a rocket before it got to the sun even after he left the planet just a few seconds behind the rocket, I don't know if he can defeat Kalibak and Darkseid at half power!

Meanwhile, Luthor and Darkseid act like Abbott and Costello.

Imagine this version of Darkseid in Geoff Johns' Justice League!

Lois is running around on Apokolips searching for her scoop while Superman sits in his underwear getting de-red-sunned. Or something. I don't know. This comic book is terrible!