Secret Six #13

Ferdie is checking out Strix's ass.

The Review or Whatever!
Secret Six stories always have titles that I never understand! It's like Gail Simone is all, "I'm so smart! I write fully realized characters dealing with actual themes and meaning and shit! Plus I drink tea and know everything there is to know about the television show Arrow! NARF!" And I'm over here thinking, "What does 'Violence of Silence' even mean?! How dumb am I?! Am I hurting people when I walk quietly down the street? Should I be screaming my fool head off?!" If this were a Geoff Johns book, I could just think, "I get it! Strix is mute and she kicks ass and 'silence' and 'violence' rhyme so that's a totally cool title! AWESOME! Geoff Johns for President of the Universe!" But since I know Gail Simone is way smarter than me, I get all nervous and insecure trying to understand her fancy-pants comic book writing skills. At least I know Geoff Johns has no idea what he's actually doing. That's comforting!

Your name is just League of Assassins! That doesn't sound old at all! What makes you sound old is having manservants named Milliford!

Shiva decides that the best thing to do to Strix now that Strix has agreed to join the League of Assassins is to torture her. To be fair to Shiva, she probably thinks she's in control and that Strix will react like every other jerk who ever wanted to be a member of the League of Old People. How can she not see that Strix only joined to protect her friends (who are now family?)?! Or maybe she does see that and she doesn't care because Shiva is arrogant enough to think that she's strong enough to break Strix. So Shiva gives Strix champagne (which Strix reacts to correctly because it is disgusting) and then throws her gnome off of the roof of the building.

Does the gnome shattering on the ground constitute a death of one of the members of Secret Six? Probably, right?

This issue is called "Silent Running". That's confusing because Strix is not a member of the Court of Roadrunners!

How dare Gail Simone try to redeem this guy! My hatred for this white male authority figure was the only emotion I had left!

Catman gets a call that there's a job that looks like a job for his sperm! His sperm are all, "Yay!" Onlookers are all, "Look! Up in the sky! Is that a bird? Is it a plane? No it's...eeewww."

Catman accepts but only if Scandal does him a favor. I bet that favor is she must remove his sperm with her mouth and spit it up into Knockout (or Stripper Knockout). Would that work? I think the science is pretty accurate.

The League of Assassins finally buy Strix a tablet so she doesn't have to keep scrawling notes with her ratty pad and her piece of hardened raccoon poop. Those Birds of Prey were cheap bastards! If it has wi-fi, I bet Strix spends the rest of the issue surfing for porn.

Strix's first assignment with the League is killing a bunch of actors who kind of look like the rest of the Secret Six if you squint just right and punch yourself in the vagina until your eyes tear up. If you don't have a vagina, your testicles will suffice.

Shiva is a Grandmaster too! We're practically twinsies! Although she's Grandmaster at killing people while I'm Grandmaster at reading comic books. Practically the same thing!

Strix kills all of the Secret Six surrogates and Shiva breathes a sigh of relief. Because now Shiva gets to leave the League! Except for that part where the Secret Six plus Scandal and Silver Banshee and Ragdoll will soon be crashing through the doors to get Strix out of there. And since it's the final issue (I think?), maybe they'll all die! You never know! If this were the New Suicide Squad, you would know that nobody would die. But this comic book has the potential for actual consequences! As long as Ferdie survives, I'll be okay with a few losses.

Sinestro #22

My guess is that by the end of Issue #23, Soranik will be completely corrupted by the power of the Yellow Ring and simply become a female Sinestro.

Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "BloodRed" (all one word!) because it stars Dex-Starr. Why did Group Editor Handsy McAssgrabber allow Cullen Bunn to write Dex-Starr after he tried to kill him the last time he appeared? Is he going to try to kill him once and for all before flouncing out of the DC offices for the final time? I don't trust this Bunn guy at all!

Dex-Starr isn't the only Red Lantern to appear in this story. There's also the sexy one, and the other one that I don't recognize, and another one that I don't know, and still another one whose name I've probably never heard. Their attack on a peaceful space science station might be terrifying and horrific but it began with their Red Lantern Oath which is just terrible. I'm going to assume that Geoff Johns wrote that because my research assistant and fact checker, Pickle Boy, has abandoned me. And judging by the Red Lantern Oath and that alone, Geoff Johns is the worst writer in the history of writing. Probably in the prehistory of writing as well! You know, the days of cave paintings and oral sex.

Maybe the Red Lantern Oath just doesn't translate into English very well. I bet it's truly bowel-loosening in its original language.

On New Korugar, Soranik bandages young Korugarian knees while Sinestro does the hard work of leadership behind the scenes. But he's still weak from...um...not having enough heart? I didn't realize a person could use a ring so much that they just die. Those rings should come with a warning label. Also, this comic book should come with a warning label. I think I've read too much of it because I'm beginning to feel sick and weak.

Dez Trevius investigates the site of the Red Lantern attack and is ambushed because his Yellow Ring is a worse researcher and fact checker than Pickle Boy was. Instead of immediately going, "Red Energy Signature Detected! Lots of signs of angry life!", it goes, "Der! Duh! Uhm! Something's near? Maybe you should check before I finish working out what the danger is." But they don't kill him. They need him to lead them back to New Korugar. I guess the Red Rings are even worse at research than everything else I mentioned that was bad at research! I bet if Bleez (she's the sexy one!) asked her ring, "Ring, find New Korugar!", it would be all, "ARRRGLE BLARG! BLLLLLAAAAARRRRRF! SMASH!" Which is why the Dez Trevius plan!

In the final issue, the Yellow Lanterns and the Red Lanterns are going to have a battle! Are we placing bets on whether or not Cullen Bunn was given the go-ahead to kill Sinestro?! I hope he was!

We Are Robin #11

I glanced at this cover quickly before sticking it in the scanner and didn't see the John Romita Jr. Variant Cover badge on it. But I was going to say the poses are horrible enough to be a John Romita Jr. cover. And then I saw that it was indeed a cover by John Romita Jr. That wasn't the best anecdote I've ever told.

The Review or Whatever!
I don't really care about this comic book so this will be a quick review that barely says anything at all about the book. As opposed to my lengthy reviews that barely say anything at all about the book. Although if it gives me stuff to talk about on every page, what am I going to do? Not fill up the Internet with my opinions?! That would be irresponsible! Like on this first page! The reader finds out that Dax is the son of Joe Chill! What the fuck?! Y'all couldn't let us know this eleven issues ago?! You know how many people never made it to this revelation because this book was so tepid?! Now who's being irresponsible, Mr. Bermejo?!

I wish comic books had more faith in keeping an audience by revelation rather than keeping an audience by teasing. Here's the thing! If you end a comic book with a character going "It's you!" while never revealing who the "you" is, I'm going to assume that the revelation isn't going to be as awesome as you want people to think it is. You're trying to lure them into buying the next issue to discover the person's identity. But how about this suggestion? Reveal the fucker and get the reader to go, "Holy shit! Not that person! Things are going to get crazy next issue! I have to buy it!" I guess a lot of comic books do that too! But why wait until the last page for the reveal? Thrill me four or five times every issue! Don't just tease the one big surprise at the end of the book! That's wasting nineteen pages on manufactured suspense! And yes, I realize that any work of fiction is manufactured. But since it's fiction and it's manufactured, how about assembling more surprises quicker?! Jerks!

I don't want anybody to think that complaint was directed at We Are Robin #11. This shit just revealed Dax's last name is Chill on the first page!

I've already written way more than I was going to write about this comic book. I guess it's pulled me in! It's also possible I'm not in a big hurry to read my next old New Titans comic book on the stack because it's an Annual. Here's a comic book rule of thumb: Annuals generally suck.

After the Joe Chill revelation, Bermejo spends a few pages calling gun owners cowards. Or was he calling promiscuous women sluts?

"I respect every woman who has ever let me have sex with them." That's something I hope to be able to say one day!

Smiley and the Jokers have taken over Riko's school and the rest of the Robins have been called in to help stop them. Meanwhile, Alfred watches everything on the Gotham News with a jar of lotion and a Batsock.

Oh! Here's the part where I run out of things to say and just summarize the rest of the book as quickly as possible! The Robins save the day and they fire Alfred! They're the future of Gotham and they'll be damned if some guy with experience is going to teach them anything! Fucking old people! How dare they try to help since all their help really amounts to is shaking their heads and saying things like, "Yeah. You're so passionate right now. You'll learn soon enough!"

P.S. I liked the art a lot.

Grayson #19

Did nobody brief John Romita Jr. on the characters he was doing covers for? Because who decided his covers of Grayson and Batman should have them using firearms? I suppose this one is okay because the only way Dick could be holding and firing that thing with one arm is if it were a Nerf gun. Which it must be.

The Review or Whatever!
This issue is called "Second Coming" so I guess Dick and Helena are finally going to fuck. Twice!

Besides being a euphemism for successfully having sex twice, "The Second Coming" is also a poem by William Butler Yeats. It's a poem that used to have a bunch of lines that I truly loved until every nerd decided it was their spirit poem. I blame Heroes for using it. Now I'm blaming this comic book as well. The problem with Yeats' poetry is that you need a fucking Masters Degree in Yeats to truly understand any of it. "The Second Coming" might be his least inscrutable poem. Although I can't say for sure since I don't have a Master's Degree in Yeats! So when he mentions that rough beast slouching toward wherever, what does he really mean? Is it an allusion to Revelations? Or is it a symbol that he created and then infused with many meanings throughout his decades of writing poetry? Is the falcon and the falconer line quoted in Grayson's first panel a metaphor for mankind and God or is the falcon one of Yeats self-made mythic symbols that means something else entirely?! How the heck should I know?!

Helena Bertinelli's mind has been taken over by Doctor Daedalus. He took that name because he's the architect of the labyrinth that is Spyral. Probably. He may have also taken it for another reason. Like maybe his parents actually named him that and then he got a PhD. He's also crazy and has Alzheimer's so who really knows the reason for anything he does.

All of the crazy action that was taking place last issue is over because Midniter was called in. He's a problem solver! Now the only thing Dick and Tiger and Lucas (if that's his real name!) have left to do is save Helena. Tiger points out that it's already too late because Tiger somehow knows that Spyral's main intent was to bring back Doctor Daedalus by using some other person as a vessel. I guess Number One was privy to that kind of information although it seems odd that the true intent of Spyral would be known to anybody besides the Netz sisters. Even Helena apparently didn't know about this turn of events!

Oh, okay. I guess that explains it! Higher allegiances! Like Allah or something?

Oh no, not Allah! It's Checkmate! Tiger works for Checkmate! Is this the part where he says, "Thaaaaaaaaaaaaat's Checkmate!"?

Midniter takes off because if he stayed in the comic book helping Grayson, Checkmate wouldn't stand a chance. Tiger is off to kill Grayson and Helena because that's a good twist, I guess. I don't buy it though. Obviously this smacks of Character Arc Changing Course Due To A Change in Writers but what are you going to do? That's comic books! So while Tim and Tom were creating an enjoyable Buddy Road Picture Duo in Tiger and Dick, Jackson and Collin have decided it would be better to pull the Old Double Agent Ruse. Also, Maxwell Lord isn't very good at chess because even though he's the Black King, he can't help but think of himself as The Lord of the game board. He does know that's not a piece in chess, right? Or is it? Does the King become the Lord if it can kill and drink the blood of six pawns?

I hope you're also good at keeping your turban out of your rocket pack engine!

Tiger and Dick wind up battling on top of Dick's helicopter in some misplaced Dark Knight homage. What was that about? Was it just there to be cool? Or am I supposed to see Dick as taking the torch of total obsession?

Doctor Daedalus continues quoting "The Second Coming" later on a train in Germany with the whole best lacking all conviction and worst full of passionate intensity line that I so often hear people full of passionate intensity quoting for some reason. Probably because they're the worst at understanding things. Of course, I'm the best because I'm so apathetic! That's what that means, right?

Blah, blah, blah, more Yeats poetry shoved into the story like a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit. Who will our savior be? Is it Daedalus? Grayson? Tyger, Tyger, burning bright? No wait. Sorry. Wrong weirdo. I mean visionary!

Dick and Tiger race each other toward Helena to either kill her or do it with her. I hope the doing it with her guy gets there first! Which he will because I already read the title of this story, remember?!

Later it's revealed that Maxwell Lord was funding Spyral or something and that they've always been a subsidiary of Checkmate because SPIES! Also because it's a surprise twist that sort of takes the place of an actual story. Most people won't even notice it doesn't make any sense because SPIES! This is what spies do! There's also a dumb riddle about kings being pawns and pawns being queens. Was that a part of Yeats' poem too?

Back to the Tiger-Grayson bout, Grayson doesn't kill Tiger when he causes him to be hit by an avalanche. I know, I know! You're thinking, "Fucking fuckholes! Dick just killed Tiger!" Because what are the odds of surviving an avalanche? They're not great, right? But don't worry! Tiger says, "You think an avalanche will kill me, Grayson?!" And Grayson is all, "I'm saving you, dumb dumb!" So never mind how Tiger survives. Just know that he did because he said he would and Dick said he wasn't trying to kill him. Thank goodness for explication or this might have been a moment full of awful ambiguity!

With Spyral all but dismantled, the Netz sisters dead, and Checkmate thwarted, all that's left is for Dick to confront Doctor Daedalus and save Helena. Unless somebody wants to write an epilogue where the Skull Girls masturbate furiously to erotic fanfiction of their acrobatics instructor, Jacques de Constamment. I wouldn't mind ten or twelve pages on that.

Suicide Squad Most Wanted: Deadshot and Katana #4

I really miss discussing Ann Nocenti's Katana.

The Review or Whatever
Katana's story this issue is called "The Fall of The House of the Castle Markov" which seems a bit odd, possibly because I got it completely wrong. But at least it's optimistic! I can't stand that entire Markov family. I hope they fall along with their castle. I suppose I don't mind that Tara Markov so much although it was weird that she was underage and fucking a fifty year old man. But that was Preboot history when she was more interesting than her New 52 version. Her New 52 version was terrible because she got mixed up in a vortex of awful writers. She never even had a chance! I hope Brion Markov doesn't have a chance this issue! Hopefully Mike W. Barr took my unsolicited email advice and Brion will get shot in the face by a tank before he gets his powers. Also I don't know Mike W. Barr's email address so I just sent the email to every version of his name I could think of to every browser email service in existence. Knowing my luck, Mike W. Barr probably still uses AOL.

Kobra is currently taking over Markovia the way everybody would expect him to take over Markovia: by constantly stroking his own ego and talking about himself in the third person and trying to ignore all of the fangenders complaining that he's a Doctor Doom wannabe. I should note his abs are fucking ripped. That's what a king should look like!

Eve doesn't really know Katana if she thinks she's chatty. Also, Katana's chat-up line has never worked for me.

The Suicide Squad and the Not-Yet-Outsiders have been captured by Kobra and invited to his coronation. He must not have many friends because nobody else seems to be in the throne room. Maybe a few guards and they're most likely being paid to be there.

I wonder how many pages until Battleaxe is killed?

Oh, it was seven.

And there it is! As my song pointed out last commentary, Battleaxe was sure to be the first Suicide Squad member killed since...well, I'm not sure since when. Since Keith Giffen's 2001 version? I know some characters died in the first version of The New 52 Suicide Squad but I think they all came back to life. Except maybe for Yo Yo. Even after surviving six months in King Shark's stomach, I think death finally caught up to him.

Everybody escapes before Kobra can blow up any more heads. Obviously! It's not like this Suicide Squad roster has anybody else to spare! Although if Mike W. Barr wanted to get all Shakespearean, he could off Coldsnap and let brokenhearted Heatstork join The Outsiders.

The best part about the escape is that the kitten is also rescued!

One thing I like about Barr's Squad is how everybody calls Deadshot "Boss." They might be doing it sarcastically but I like to think that given their lives are on the line in missions like this, the team members have at least a slight modicum of respect for the team leader.

I might have used "modicum" wrong. It's hard to tell because it's a fancy word way above my pay grade.

Apparently the veterinarian helping the kitten is horrible at his job (or really good at it, seeing as how most vets' go-to move is euthanasia!) and it looks like the kitten is going to die. But Enchantress uses her magic to heal it! Yay Enchantress! Except for the fact that she's not the nicest witch on the compass. And her warning about the kitten being hungry when it wakes seems ominous.

Katana does some magic of her own and creates an all-new movie-friendly getup that makes her tits look bigger than they really are.

Why was her skin so gray previously?!

Meanwhile in an "Unknown Location" which is almost certainly Markov's experimental geothermal power plant which will later explode all over Brion Markov's stupid face, Kobra reveals to Dr. Jace his super secret hidden secret of all secrets: he has obtained a rainbow alien! He's going to shove it in Violet Harper's secret place so that she becomes Halo and I will swoon.

Katana reveals the secret of her sword to Enchantress because Katana is easily manipulated. I shouldn't judge her so harshly! I would befriend an obviously complete psychopath myself if she healed a kitten friend of mine! I would be all, "Charles Manson! My buddy! How you been, man?! I can never thank you enough for performing CPR on my little kitten buddy! Anything you want, I'll give you, buddy!"

Enchantress is ingratiating herself to Katana because Amanda Waller wants the Soulsucker blade. Of course she does! Amanda is worse than Larfleeze.

Katana and the Suicide Squad use the information from the soul of a dead Kobra guard to alert Kobra to their presence. This causes Kobra to know exactly where to aim the disintegration ray and kill them all. What did they think was going to happen?! He'd come pick them up and be all, "Hey guys! I see you have my code! That must mean you're my friends! Which you totally must be since you were at my coronation earlier! Hey, friends!" It's also possible the giant orange ray blast that hits them is some kind of teleport ray. Also also possible? Enchantress saves them all. It doesn't really matter because the kitten is safe inside Brion Markov's emergency headquarters and Halo will be joining us next issue.

The Deadshot issue is called "The Wrong Man" because the new Deadshot is now a man that nobody likes. But don't worry. Floyd will kill him in two issues.

The Suicide Squad have infiltrated one of those things that isn't really a thing but people would love to believe is a thing which is a Black Market Convention where all of the worst people go to buy all of the worst stuff ever. You know how I know these secret conventions don't exist? Because governments exist! Duh! They do all of this trading themselves! Practically right out in the open even!

The Squad's job is to capture the twelve people who organize and run the show every year. None of the Squad members are going to die in this story because they are Fake Deadshot (who Lawton totally has dibs on), Captain Boomerang, Harley Quinn, Cheetah, and Diablo. I suppose Diablo can die because he's probably going to die in the movie. But I doubt he'll die in the comic book first. That would be a total spoiler!

I know it seems improbable that the Squad can kidnap twelve people while surrounded by the best mercenaries and assassins the world has ever known but this is a comic book, you idiot. And it's not like the cover said "Suicide Squad's Most Wanted: All of the World's Best Assassins and Katana". I think we know whose story arc matters most!

I don't think that it's just that they don't fear death. Most of that one percent are just arrogant enough to believe that they will never be the one to die. They're the ones who will beat death. I don't get any of them. The thought of death makes me piss myself on a near constant basis! I'm peeing a little right now!

Lawton doesn't just not fear death though. He fucking craves it! The way I crave Oreos! Which, if you think about it, is kind of the same thing! I'm a bad-ass!

Fake Deadshot got the job because Floyd was always a loose cannon. But at least he was Waller's loose cannon! Fake Deadshot's cannon isn't just loose, it's rolling around the deck squashing sailors while firing uncontrollably at the same time! He's just looking to kill the people Amanda wants to capture. I think he may have just put in his two weeks notice.

I think I covered this, Harley. But thanks for the backup!

Harley and Diablo decide to stay on the mission which causes Diablo to get shot in the face and killed. See? That's what happens when you join the Suicide Squad and you're the only member of the team who has even the remotest possibility of being killed! Dumb dumb.

Olivia is also killed. You might be thinking "Who is Olivia?" It was Amanda Waller's assistant. That's the job that should have "suicide" in front of it.

Oh, and Diablo apparently wasn't killed. Whatever. Fuck you, you stupid No-Suicides-At-All Squad! I hope Amanda Waller's Craigslist job listing points out that her new assistant is only going to get part-time work. Mainly because they won't live for more than 40 hours.

Amanda goes off to re-recruit Floyd but finds his cell empty and covered in blood. Whoops!

The New Titans #72 (January 1991)

And we’re back to Marv Wolfman Thinks He’s Steinbeck Narration Boxes. He’s not, by the way. Just in case anybody wasn’t clear on that. Also, you should probably read Steinbeck if you haven’t. Especially if you’re one of those people who worship fucking Hemingway. Steinbeck takes Hemingway out behind the barn and puts him out of his misery. I mean, he would have if Hemingway hadn’t, surprisingly, taken Steinbeck’s advice to shoot his own dog. You know what I’m talking about.

In this issue, Wildebeest kills Golden Eagle. I think Marv did this to get people in the letters pages to stop asking for a new Titans West series. As you can see from the cover, Aqualad got Prince of Tidesed. I think. Maybe I’m remembering that movie wrong. Let me check.

Oh shit. That’s what that movie was about? Never mind. Aqualad just got beat up really badly. Wildebeest’s reveal had better be fucking good after all this! He’d better be Doomsday at this point!

The New Titans #71 (November 1990)

Before I get started pointing out everything wrong with this issue, let me say at least one good thing. The writing felt more natural this issue. I know this not because I’m any good at understanding what I read but because I didn’t absolutely despise every single panel of this issue. Perhaps this run, beginning with Barb and Karl Kesel’s Royal Flush Gang, is why I have any fond memories at all of the Teen Titans. I don’t know why I stuck with a comic book I didn’t like until issue sixty-something, but I was still in my teens during this run and even dumber than I am now. But even with all of the garbage I’m going to take out to the curb in the next paragraph, I can still say I liked this issue.

Now for the dumb stuff! This issue was basically a recap of all the characters so new readers could jump on board the Times Are Changing Express! Choo choo! But then the issue was also forty pages long, so I have to give it a pass on all the regurgitating of facts huge fangenders already knew by heart. The worst part was that the Titans are once again facing an enemy whose only motivation is to destroy the Titans. So the only heroic deeds they’re going to get up to any time soon are the kind where they save their own asses. And what’s worse? The bad guy, yet again, is Wildebeest! That probably wasn’t as surprising as I wanted it to be since Wildebeest’s shadow is right there on the cover. What? You didn’t notice that? What kind of Grandmaster Comic Book Reader are you?! Pshaw!

Fucking Wildebeest! Christ. This entire series has simply become Wildebeest trying to end the Titans. I really can’t remember who Wildebeest is which doesn’t bode well for what should be a real shocker of a revelation. Maybe the revelation was so good that it blew some of my synapses and I instantly forgot about the revelation! Anyway, I can’t see any way the reveal is going to live up to all of this build up. Unless it’s Bruce Wayne! Or Vicki Vale!