Cyborg #9

Victor beat Billy at table tennis so Billy said, "Let's see you in a mystical fist fight!"

Rating: This series is much better than the first story arc although not by a lot because it's all been tainted by how boring the first six or seven issues were. Cyborg's dialogue is still that of a witless blowhard but at least he isn't telling jokes which he (or another character) then has to explain are jokes because they're not very joke-like. I'm sorry to say that I still don't think this comic book is worth picking up no matter how badly DC Comics wants Cyborg to become their next big moneymaking character. I wonder how many people were confused by the Silas Stone video in Batman Loves Superman: Dawn of Just Us? I guess Cyborg is more mainstream than I give him credit for since he was part of Cartoon Network's Teen Titans cartoon for years. Did anybody else think he sort of acted like the fifth Ninja Turtle in that cartoon?

• Everybody is making pretend spoiler jokes about The Walking Dead finale so here's mine: Hurley wakes up in the mental hospital and realizes it was all a wet dream.

• No wait! Here's my The Walking Dead fake finale spoiler: fan of the comic book series continues to buy the trades even though they're getting more and more boring and Charlie Adlard is still drawing the art. How many times do I have to read two or three pages about a character before some other character finally calls them by name so I can quizzically say, "Oh! That's who that was?!"

• Currently, Cyborg is being hassled by the government because he has "unregulated technology". I mean, he is unregulated technology? It doesn't really matter. The main thing to focus on is that the government is, once again, being a bunch of Douchéstorks. Here's how government apparently works: a bunch of ignorant people become frightened of something that causes sadness, corporations see an opportunity to make a ton of money by playing on this fear and lobby the government for laws that will help calm the populace while also increasing their revenue in some way, government officials receive generous kickbacks to get the proposed laws on the book, some weird fucking kid has a hallucination on the steps of congress, and the bill becomes a law! Everybody has a new illusion of safety! Hooray!

• If you read the last bullet point and came away with the idea that I'm anti-government, you couldn't be more wrong. The government serves many important functions and should actually serve a bunch more for the real comfort and safety of the people. It's the politicians and their fervent, idiotic bases who would rather be angry and ignorant than knowledgeable and happy whom I despise.

• The government has brought Captain Marvel along to arrest Cyborg because he's obviously quite dangerous being a black man. I mean, a man with unregistered cybertechnology who will be treated like any other white guy with the same technology. Except that's not true, is it? The white guy with unregistered cybertechnology was offered a job with the government. The black guy is getting hassled and physically attacked!

• This issue is called "Pub Lice Nemy #1". I don't get it.

• Forty-five days ago, Cyborg told the Justice League, "I'm a fucking member of this League, right? So for once, you're going to deal with my fucking problems! And don't think you're going to run off on some Superman or Batman adventure while dealing with my problems! I'm calling Dibs, you fuckers! Stop treating me like a junior member of this squad! I mean league!"

• It might not be a bad idea to have Cyborg join the Suicide Squad. It needs a Rick Flag-esque ethical compass on it!

• After the flashback, the narrative returns to Captain Marvel and Cyborg's fistfight. But with a sly wink and a touch to the side of the nose to the reader! Because now we know this is all show! Probably.

• See? Just like I explained earlier!

• Forty days ago, Cyborg and Batman hung out in the Batcave exchanging knowing glances as they did all sorts of illegal things. But illegal in a good way because they're good guys! Duh!

• Also in that scene in the Batcave, Cyborg shows some non-exciting reasons why he's useful. Like how he can read legislation in a nanosecond and point out the bits that are important to their case. I think that used to be one of Alfred's jobs!

• Batman and Cyborg discover that anybody with any kind of cybernetic implant will be controllable by the government if the legislation passes. Also, Cyber-Tech's CEO and shareholders will become filthy rich. Cyber-Tech's employees will have to figure out their own health insurance and 401K because the company has to pay so many taxes!

• Why is Superman acting like the government hasn't tried to do the same thing to him multiple times? And why is Wonder Woman being such a dick about it?

• Cyborg casually tells Superman that he could murder him in less than five seconds. Dude! Chill!

• Cyborg tells everybody his plan to defeat the American government and then shows his friends his penis.

They likey!

• "Showing them his penis" is a euphemism for revealing that he can turn into a human and not a joke about something that's bigger than a breadbox and can be put in my mouth. It's also a reference to how the Cyborg character had issues with being an emasculated black male made safe for white consumption by destroying his genitals. Kind of like how that rich white asshole Santa Claus had his elf pull out all of the teeth of the Abominable Snowman and then put it in chains. Fucking Rudolf. I can't believe that racist propaganda is shown every year! And don't think I don't know what Rankin and Bass really meant when they were calling the Abominable Snowman a "bumble"! Bastards!

• If anybody has read That Cavortin' Bastard's rant on Rudolf and is now thinking, "Christ, Tess! You just stole all of those revelations from That Bastard!", you should realize that I wrote that.

• Cyborg's big plan was to get caught by the government. And it's successful! I guess he just needed the Justice League to stay out of it so he could destroy Cyber-Tech from within.

The Omega Men #10

I'm surprised DC has been competent enough to let Trevor Hutchison do every cover of this series. Best set of covers ever. That's probably not hyperbole.

Rating: This is currently my favorite monthly comic book from DC Comics. Yes, it surprised me too. I remember back in the eighties passing this comic book by on the shelves because it looked boring and the characters all had boring names. Broot was brutish. Demonia looked demonic. Doc was a doctor. Unless he wasn't. But I assumed he was! Felicity was a cat. The Green Man was green. Harpis was harpy-like. Kalista was beautiful. Primus was leader. Tigorr was a tiger. You get the idea! And if pink-clad Lobo seemed too "wolf-like", Giffen made sure to remind everybody that his name meant "He who devours ones entrails and thoroughly enjoys it." I think. That definition is off the top of my head. The characters have the same names in this series but that's to be expected! It wouldn't be The Omega Men without the same characters! This is a Reboot, not a Totally-Forget-Everything-You've-Ever-Known-Boot!

I'm probably not going to comment much on this book because I simply want to read it and take it in and enjoy it. I don't remember being so eager for a story to finish since the SAS story arc in Hitman. And yes, yes, I know. A bunch of you pussies are thinking right now, "But if you like it so much, why would you want it to end?!" Go fuck yourselves.

After the revelation that the Citadel murdered everybody on Voorl for profit, the rest of the Vega System has erupted into chaos and rebellion. Especially Karna because it seems The Citadel has its sights on making Karna their next Stellarium Mine. Which means putting an awful lot of kitty cats in a sack and finding a nice big lake to toss them into. The worlds of the Vega System are on their own because the planets that need Stellarium to prevent going all Krypton don't really give a shit about the Citadel's methods. Unless, of course, The Citadel can't produce any Stellarium. And then they'll remind a galactic court how The Citadel committed genocide.

Karna manages to fight off the Citadel but it's only the beginning of the rebellion. The Viceroy's life is at stake. If he can't manage to turn one planet into a Stellarium Mine, he'll be tried for genocide and executed. It was the Omega Men who won up until this point because they were desperate and had nothing to lose. Now it's the Viceroy's turn.

Lois and Clark #6

Oh no! Lois and Jon have been miniaturized and trapped in a scope! In other news, Dan Jurgens' foreshortening still just looks like a person with tiny legs.

Rating: I like to give Dan Jurgens a hard time because he's a robot and robots can't be insulted. Unless you translate the insult directly into machine code. That goes the same for compliments so even though I'm about to compliment Dan Jurgens for this comic book series, unfortunately he'll never get any Warm Fuzzies from it since I don't know machine code. Even though I dislike children, especially children raised by Lois Lane, I don't let it ruin this book for me. This might be the best Superman title currently on the shelves. I just put in the "might" to leave me an out when somebody tells me I'm a fucking prick for my opinion. Although I shouldn't worry. This book is about Preboot Superman whom everybody loves! Nobody would ever pick New 52 Superman over Preboot Superman! Although I'm still partial to Golden Age Superman (who should exist again since the Crisis on Infinite Earths was successfully averted!).

• Superman's mother's name was Martha. I'm reminding everybody of that fact now just in case it becomes important later in the story. I don't think it will. But you never know!

• Now I'm picturing a Citizen Wayne where Bruce Wayne croaks out "Martha" on his deathbed and Clark Kent must investigate the importance of the name. I'm assuming Clark Kent is a shitty journalist who is really only good at writing op-ed pieces on Superman otherwise the movie will be over in five minutes. I don't know what Bruce could drop while croaking "Martha". I considered Citizen Kal-el where Superman could be dropping the Bottled City of Kandor while croaking "Martha" and the World's Greatest Detective could investigate the mystery but I think it works better the other way, both for the parody name and Clark being a journalist. Also Bruce Wayne practically is Charles Foster Kane.

• Cora Benning, Lois's publisher, use The Hollies' "Long Cool Woman (In A Black Dress)" as her ringtone for calls from Lois. I suppose that makes sense since Dan Jurgens only knows music up until about 1986. That's the year he was built without any ability to upgrade his memory.

• I had to ask Lord Google about the lyrics presented in the comic book (which are just the title of the song which I wouldn't have recognized by name anyway). After hearing it on YouTube, I absolutely recognized it. I think it was used in Dog Food commercials.

• Intergang discovers that Lois White is Author X. That's probably why they shrink her and her son down and trap them in a sniper's scope.

• A reality show called Bad Ass Nation about supervillains screws up and puts people's lives in danger. That looks like a job for Superman!

• If 1986 had a reality television show, it would be called Bad Ass Nation.

• Another job for Superman? Saving Lois and Jon from Intergang! But that one is less important than the one where cars are falling off of a bridge because Lois can take care of herself.

• One of the reasons Superman loves Lois is because she doesn't need him. Batman is the guy who falls in love with people who need him. Or at least need his dick. Like Catwoman.

• Lois and Jon are about to die in a fire set by Intergang and Jon throws a tantrum. Fucking little prick. I knew I hated him.

• Superman is still too busy to save his family because he's dealing with Bad Ass Nation's mess.

• Why does the cover show a sniper trying to kill Lois and Jon when Intergang decided to burn them alive instead?

• Jon goes through puberty during his tantrum and gains his super powers that we all knew he'd eventually have. He probably only has half of Superman's powers though. So he shoots heat vision out of one eye and can only fly in circles.

• Meanwhile this happens to Hank Henshaw.

Deathstroke #16

I'm already over the Martha jokes.

Rating: This comic book isn't worth reading. You know when it was worth reading? Back when Rob Liefeld was writing and drawing it. Oh boy! That was so much fun! No wait. That wasn't worth reading either. But it was fun writing about it! Deathstork needs another revamp that goes a lot further than making him younger and his balls smoother.

• To me, the worst thing about the "Martha? What do you mean Martha?!" scene in Batman Loves Superman is that it makes a mockery of the exact moment of the film that should be a revelation to Batman. It just shows what kind of a tone deaf director Zack Snyder is and how he has nobody around him willing to edit him. Because from that one scene alone, I can picture the moment he discovered that Clark and Bruce's mothers shared the same name. A really dim fucking light bulb went off over his head and he pulled a notebook from his shirt pocket to scribble, "Sperman and Bathman finds out mothers both Martha. MINDS BLOWN!" And that was it. He based a fucking movie on that scene. I went into this movie ready for the worst because I hate when heroes battle each other. But I was surprised that by making Superman such a careless asshole in Man of Steel, the premise works in this movie. How could nobody in the production of this movie pull Zack Snyder aside and tell him to make that scene more powerful. Drop the whole "Martha" angle and let Lois get there a tiny bit sooner. Let Lois show her love and concern for the human behind the alien. Let Batman see Superman's humanity without this clunker of a revelation that Zack thought was a mind blowing coincidence that the entire movie could turn on. That scene should have been emotional. Instead it's become an internet meme.

• Still, it doesn't ruin the movie for me because I'm not a four year old.

• This issue begins with a flashback scene to show what an asshole friend Rose Wilson can be. Some dick named Lawman shows up at her door, tells her that her friend is going to betray her, and Rose allows him to kill her friend without any more evidence than a dick with skullhead and a lousy nickname tells her so. She and her father deserve each other. I don't think Rose knows her brother's actual name either!

• Deathstroke is still young because that's another dim bulb idea that some other asshole thought would be an exciting development. Instead it's meant nothing and done nothing to make the writing on Deathstork any better. I guess DC doesn't think old characters sell. Well, guess what, DC? Uninteresting characters don't sell either!

• This issue is called "Blood From A Stone" so I guess Etrigan is going to emerge from Cyborg's butthole.

• Red Hood has been hired to "kick Deathstork's ass". I didn't realize he was in the Contract Ass-Kicking business.

Touché!

• Why is there an accent on "Douchéstroke"?

• While Douchéstork battles Red Hood, he thinks about gunslingers and takes a shot at Wild Bill Hickok for playing poker with his back to the saloon's entrance. It misses, though, because Hickok was 39 when slain and I have to think that's a pretty ripe age for a gunslinger. Also, Hickok apparently tried to change seats several times but everybody else at the Poker Table wanted to be gunslingers who lasted.

• Douchéstork loves to Narration Box during battle. It's a good thing he does or else the reader wouldn't understand why Douchéstork doesn't defeat Red Hood in two panels. I just love reading a character's internal monologue of excuses for sucking.

• Playing a game? Red Hood expressly told you that he was paid to kick your ass, dum-dum.

• Red Hood's pistols smoke like a blunderbuss. He should have them checked out. Twentieth century guns should not smoke like that.

• Douchéstork is beaten by Red Hood. Normally that wouldn't happen in his own comic book but Douchéstork has a few pages of Narration Boxes to explain why it happened this time.

• Douchéstork mentions how his daughter was kidnapped and Red Hood begins to soften up. Not enough to stop trying to beat the shit out of a guy bleeding to death. But it helps to build their relationship for later after Red Hood regains consciousness from being blown up by a rocket launcher shot by Victor Ruiz from inside a helicopter that's come to rescue Slade. Suspension of disbelief, don't fail me now!

• Victor has information on Rose's location. After the last two locations Victor gave Douchéstork were basically deathtraps, it's no surprise Douchéstork decides to investigate the third location. He and Victor head into Copper Cliff, Montana, to look for Rose while leaving Red Hood in the helicopter so he can save them after they fall into the trap.

• Guess what? It's a trap! Slade is stabbed in the back by Victor after confronting Snakebite after which Rose and Lawman appear to finish him off. I sure hope Red Hood wakes up soon!

• No I don't. That was a lie. I hope Douchéstork is killed.

Batman and Robin Eternal #26

Hooray! Four less comics to buy in April!

Rating: Well that's that! Don't let the bat-door hit you on the way out! I don't have much more to say than my irreverent comments that follow except maybe this: Dick should have become Batman at the end of this. I think it's time for a better, younger, tighter-assed (literally not metaphorically!) Batman! Batman, with his memory intact, could have passed the cowl to Dick and gone back to Julie Madison and the community center. That could have become a new comic book, something like Box Office Poison where it just relies on people and their relationships rather than crazy Gotham villains murdering innocents. Bruce could have fired Alfred for being such a dick while Bruce had amnesia which could begin another comic book series where Alfred spirals into darkness until he gets a job playing the organ at the local roller rink. I wonder if DC would give me a job writing that comic book? The other comic book that should have come out of this series is the one starring Harper, Cullen, Stephanie, and Cassandra and has a theme song similar to The Facts of Life.

• Harper remembers a moment with her mother that probably never really happened the way Harper remembers it. I don't remember ever having a touching moment like that with either of my parents! Parents don't say loving, intimate, hopeful shit like that, do they? DO THEY?!

• Instead of killing Cassandra like nobody but Dick Grayson and Mother thought Harper might do, Harper throws the knife into Mother's machinery and disrupts Operation Make Teenagers Worse Than They Already Are.

• Harper kicks Mother's ass while telling Mother "You don't know me!" Fucking Shakespearean, man! That wasn't sarcastic. You've seen Romeo and Juliet, right? It's basically three hours of "You don't know me!"

• Fucking Loot Crate advertisement. How about I spend money on things I actually want instead of paying a monthly subscription to experience the slightest amount of excitement by opening a present full of the same shit thousands of other people are also opening so that they can be unique specimens of geekdom. I should start Grunion Guy Box! For a small fee, I'll send you some of my extra crap I have lying around the house that I don't fucking care about anymore! Some old Magic cards! A painted ceramic van! An old digital camera! A Badtz-Maru paper organizer!

• The good guys think they've won. But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the upper hand! But then Mother gets the upper hand! But then the good guys get the other hand! But then...you know what? It probably goes on like this for a few more pages before the good guys ultimately get the upper hand and win the day. How about we just assume that's the case and move right on to the denouement?

• I know Midnighter is gay but I think he and Catwoman would make a cute couple. Maybe they can use Catman as a third party male-to-female connector?

• Mother goes all Bond villain and destroys her headquarters by flooding it with lava. I know that's not the denouement but it's practically the end of the back and forth. All that's left is for Cassandra to beat Mother's ass without killing her and everybody will nod in tandem, understanding exactly what that means. I would say what it means because I totally know but I don't want to spoil the learning experience of other people who haven't figured it out yet.

• Dick is robbed of humiliating Mother by putting her through the American judicial system because Orphan comes back from being dead to kill Mother.

• See? I knew the denouement would be good. Too bad DC thinks the action parts are the best parts of the comic book. This book should have been less end battle and more after battle celebration.

• The story gets an epilogue with Harper and Batman. It's about time Batman got a non-flashback moment in this comic book! You would have thought he was dead or something.

• Harper tells Batman that her life is her own life. Isn't that what Batman was trying to tell her from the beginning?

• Harper decides to go to college instead of being a super hero. Isn't that what Batman wanted for her from the beginning?

• I don't think Harper realizes what a gift Batman gave her. By not taking her on as a sidekick, he allowed her to make her own choices. Even when she still chose to be a sidekick. Which he allowed her to do because it was her choice. And now she's choosing to give it up for awhile. Basically she's been living her life the way she chose. Just like Batman always wanted for her from the beginning.

• Cassandra takes the name Orphan and becomes a member of the Bat-family.

• Even Batman needs somebody to tell him he did the right thing now and then. What a needy bitch.

• Batman gives Dick a verbal hug and a pound of Warm Fuzzies. What is this? Earth-Not-Main Earth? Whichever Earth is the one where Batman can talk about his feelings?

• Batman and Robins jump off the building to go fight crime. And Batman doesn't even have to remind Red Hood not to kill anybody! The end!

Teen Titans #18

Normally I would be annoyed by a cover that depicts heroes battling each other. But have the Teen Titans really been acting like heroes?

Rating: No change. This may not technically be the worst DC Comic but it hasn't been very good. It's getting a little better with Greg Pak even though I mostly don't like Greg Pak's writing. At least he's telling a story that was long overdue. But he still has to use all of the unlikeable characters in this team! They're all selfish criminals! Why would I care what happens to any of them?! This is what happens when you allow lousy writers to wing it month after month without any thought to how the stories they're telling will affect how readers see the characters. I also have an aversion to super hero groups that don't have any reason to be a super hero group. The Teen Titans are really just a gang of hoodlums doing whatever they want, constantly fighting among themselves, falling in and out of love with each other without any indication of intimacy or closeness, and causing lots and lots of property damage while they're simply dealing with their own problems. What I'm saying is that the Teen Titans haven't changed a bit in decades!

• Recently, the Teen Titans have helped a super murderer (created to be a living weapon) escape from justice, broken into a prison, and escaped custody rather than answering for their crimes. They've also justified their behavior because they're selfish pricks. I probably didn't need to say that since it's right in the title: "Teen"!

• To be fair, Tim Drake did create the Teen Titans to protect meta-human teenagers all over the world. He never said any of them would be heroes! They would just be a gang of assholes protecting each other from the fucking adults who don't know everything! They have no idea what it's like to be a teenager! I mean, they did but that was a totally different time when things weren't nearly as difficult as now! Aside from a less safe world with selective service and way more expectations of behavior. But they didn't have like our problems, you know?!

• The Titans were busy looking for Cassie's father whom they found on Wonder Woman's mantel in London. I mean, they found his head. So that seems suspicious.

• Wonder Woman has caught them destroying and raiding her apartment. But she's compassionate and understanding so that makes her a total doormat. I mean, it makes her willing to understand what other people are going through and empathize with them.

• Wonder Woman calls Tim "Robin" and he doesn't correct her and say, "Actually, it's Red Robin, you stupid adult. Gosh! Leave me alone!" He probably doesn't say that because he doesn't have a room at hand which he can dramatically flounce into and slam the door behind him.

• Oops. I spoke too early. Take that, adult! You don't know everything!

• Red Robin does not tell Wonder Woman that he and the rest of the gang are escaped felons on the run. It's none of her business anyway!

• The rest of the Teen Titans have been taken by Cassandra. Cassandra can predict the future but nobody listens to her predictions so then she just gets really frustrated. That's probably why she's kind of a bad guy.

• Boo fucking hoo. Someone needs to do a whole lot more than yell at you, you fucking thief.

• Gar points out that Cassandra must be the villain of this story because she's not one of them and she's against them and an adult and a jerk too.

• Gar is wrong. Obviously the Teen Titans are the villains of this entire comic book series.

• Power Girl tells Cassie that she's her friend. They barely know each other! How off in your head do you have to be to consider somebody a friend so quickly and freely?! I should ask my friend Doom Bunny! He thinks everybody he meets is a friend!

• Doom Bunny isn't answering immediately. I'll get back to him!

Right. And what you do is constantly break the law for your own selfish purposes.

• Cassandra begins winning Cassie over by saying things that teenagers like to hear like "You have a right to be angry and lost. Nobody could have gone through what you've been through and remain as strong! Your father actually loves you even though he abandoned you. I'm your representation and you totally identify with me so you totally can even."

• The Titans battle some giant snakes as they hunt for the Rod of Asclepius beneath Apollo's temple in Delphi. They sort of find it but first Wonder Woman has to tie up Cassandra and ask her some questions like "What is your real motive behind bringing Lennox back to life?" and "Who do you think you're fooling?" and "Are you manipulating everybody for your own selfish ends because that's par for the course in a Teen Titans comic book?" Actually, Wonder Woman doesn't ask any important questions that would get to the bottom of Cassandra's plot while her lasso is around Cassandra. Instead she just says, "Tell her, Cassandra, why did you come to her?" And Cassandra says to bring Cassie's father back. Which isn't a lie but, come on! You know it's only a small part of her overall plan! This is what happens when Batman isn't around to ask the questions!

• Nobody gets beaten up by Wonder Woman like the cover fooled everybody into thinking would happen. Not that comic book fans are used to covers telling any kind of truth at all. Even though I hate how variant covers break up a collection because I don't have the "real" covers of each issue, I sort of like them better because at least they don't try to manipulate me!

Secret Six #12

Secret Strix?

Rating: In many ways, Gail Simone's Secret Six has always been a spiritual successor to John Ostrander's Suicide Squad. Most of the revamps of Suicide Squad missed what made Ostrander's such a hit. It wasn't about characters possibly dying every month. It wasn't about loading a team full of star villains to attract an audience. It was about bringing to life characters that had been largely one-dimensional up until that point. When people think of Deadshot now, they're thinking of Ostrander's Deadshot. He realized Deadshot so fully that people probably just assume the character was always the guy Ostrander brought to life. But he was just a guy who was really good with a gun who Batman kept running afoul of. Simone did much of the same with Catman and Bane and many others, as well as creating a bunch of her own. The series shines because the characters are not ignored. They're not just fodder for the plot in garish costumes. They are fully realized and enjoyable to read about. I wish more writers would understand that plot is less important than characterization. I'd rather read a bunch of interesting characters sitting around a diner talking than have a bunch of hot, one-dimensional people in spandex hitting each other with heavy objects for twenty pages. Secret Six will be missed after Rebirth. I just realized that I'll probably start calling all of the stories after Rebirth "Afterbirth". DC is about to get gross.

• What is the secret?! No, seriously. What is it? I think I missed it at some point. I have a nagging suspicion that the secret is Mockingbird can't count to six.

• One secret is that I photoshopped a bunch of fake tweets by Gail Simone about "What is the secret?!" and posted them on Tumblr with tags saying "Photoshopped Tweets" and "Let me repeat myself. These tweets are photoshopped!" and "These are not real!" I knew it wouldn't help which is why I wasn't surprised when somebody reblogged them with the tag "This is why I love Gail". No, that is why you love me!

• So what was going on previously? I think Batgirl and Catman were rutting in the park while Goatfly watched. That was so sexy I nearly happy accidented all over myself. Also Sue decided she wanted Ralph back because you can only hear "What two letters keep a car from going?" "M-T!" so many times before your vagina dries up and falls off. And Shiva was hunting Strix for secret assassin reasons.

• The title of this issue is "The Violence of Silence". It rhymes so it must be profound wisdom. Profound wisdom hasn't always rhymed. That's just a modern thing because modern people are easily impressed by people who can think up two words that sound almost identical. I wish Jesus had given all of his allegories in rhyme. With a good beat. He may as well have been a rapper since he had the biggest East Coast/West Coast rivalry of all time. Although the Romans weren't too good at drive-bys. They were better at long-occupation-bys.

• You know what caused the Roman civilization to collapse? Washing their hands of things! You can't just ignore problems by washing your hands and waving the problem away and going off to draw a cock on the wall! You have to fix the problem! And by "fix" I don't mean "affix to a giant cross."

• Oh! I think maybe the Roman civilization collapsed because of the violence of silence! Maybe? No? Am I on to something?

• I actually know a lot less about everything than I pretend to.

• No wait! I meant the reverse of that last bullet point!

• Currently Scandal and Knockout and Stripper Knockout are considering which vintage of sperm to sprinkle on their baby cakes.

• I actually know a lot more about doing it than I pretend to! Like how awesome it probably is!

I just realized how perfect these two are for each other! Not Catman and Batgirl! The pets! On walks, the dog shits and Goatfly eats it! No mess! Okay, the goat still makes a mess. But I don't think you're legally required to pick up goat droppings.

• A cop in Ralph's neighborhood calls Shiva "sweetcheeks". While not technically incorrect, it's probably a bad move.

• In every run-in I've ever had with the police, not one has ever been complimentarily degrading. I think my feelings are hurt.

• The cop also calls Shiva "little dumplin'", "lady", "hot stuff", and probably something else. I think he notices her feet are cute too but I can't confirm that since her feet are hidden in every panel. That's such a sexist move! Framing a woman so that you can't see her feet.

• Catman warns Porcelain to get Strix out of the house. Why? Shiva might be a deadly assassin but Strix is an immortal Talon! I'm confident Strix can take whatever Shiva has to dish out. Unless Shiva's here to taunt Strix for not fitting in and not having a family and being horribly emotionally and physically scarred by life. That might hurt.

• I just realized Strix and I have a lot in common!

See?

• Strix writes a note to Batgirl when everybody meets up on the front lawn. The note is "I hart your yelow boots" and not "Y did u byrds not git me an ipad, cheepsktes?"

• Shiva defeats everybody in one page. Probably to show how good she is and not because comic books are only twenty pages and Gail Simone would rather fill those few pages with more cute notes from Strix. I mean, it could be that! But I think it's more about Shiva's talent at ass-kicking.

• Shiva invites Strix to join the League of Assassins. Usually invites aren't threats against your loved ones but this is the League of Assassins. They like to put on a show.

• Strix accepts the offer to save her friends and new family! Tragedy!

Holy shit! You can print that kind of thi...oh. Wait. Sorry. Misread that!

• Batgirl gives Mary her yellow boots. How is Batgirl going to afford another pair of yellow Doc Martens?! Doesn't she still owe Black Canary a new van and a complete wardrobe and maybe an entirely new dojo too?

• Sue returns to the house and finds it filled with vagabonds, strays, and perverts. Wasn't that a Cher song? Or an Indigo Girls album?

• Ralph calls the Secret Six "strays" after I called them strays. Word stealer! Although he doesn't call them vagabonds or perverts.

• Sue brings Ralph his Elongated Man suit so that the Secret Six can learn how annoying he really is.

• The team decides to go save Strix from the League of Assassins! That fight might take longer than one panel.