Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1

Please let this be Jonah Hex versus the Crime Syndicate!

I bet Jonah Hex isn't even on the Fight Card on the inside cover since the Crime Syndicate isn't going to be from Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis! So this comic will probably be Earth-3 Siloportem versus the Watchmen Universe's Tuscon, Arizona.

Remember Rom? I don't. But in 9th Grade, it was my friend Aaron Crawford's favorite comic book. He's also the one who told me about Crisis On Infinite Earths and kick-started my meager comic book collection. Unless it was 8th Grade.

The fight in this issue is Earth-3's Metropolis against the 853rd Century Metropolis. That's the DC One Million cats, right?

This issue begins with one of the Golden Age Crime Syndicate (probably Lois Lane since the Narration Boxes are handwritten on lined pages) thinking about how they're a bunch of fucking pussies compared to The New 52 Crime Syndicate.

Probably Superwoman: "We didn't want to be called the Crime Syndicate! We didn't mean to be bad! It's just that we had been struck by something, possibly destiny, possibly fate, or only a degenerative nerve disease called rabies. Or maybe we just thought robbing shit was fun! But we weren't like murderers or nothin'!"

Pshaw! "If you'd had made...." I guess Superwoman is actually Diana in the original version because Lois wouldn't have made that mistake.

Superwoman is on death row and about to be put to death like they like to do to people on death row. But her villainous cohorts have come to break her free! Maybe! It's hard to tell because remember that old saying? There is no honor among dishonorable people?

Yeesh. It is Lois! I guess that makes sense since everything on Earth-3 is the opposite of all of the other Earths.

Looking into it a little deeper, it seems Superwoman is the Earth-3 version of Wonder Woman but she took the name Lois Lane to make things confusing.

Meanwhile in the 853rd Century Metropolis (which is currently right down the block from Earth-3 Metropolis), Justice Legion Alpha hold a meeting to discuss what huge pussies they are too.

Superman One Million: "No killing, Batman One Million! No! Bad bat!"
Batman One Million: "Aww, shucks!"
The Wall: "BOOOM! I mean, THOOOM!"
Atom One Million: "Croak!"

Flip-flopping back to Earth-3, the prison break commences! Or continues!

I think his helmet is on too tight.

The Crime Syndicate don't run their fastest as far as they can or something. I'm confused now! Anyway, they're stopped by the Rogue Hunters composed of Mirror Master, Captain Boomerang, Weather Wizard, Captain Cold, and Stripesy. Apparently comic book tech works on Earth-3 unlike the other Earths. Or maybe if your technology is shaped like a gun, it's allowed to work because Captain Cold shoots ice all over the place.

I should also point out how closely my fairly shitty, quickly thrown together Captain Cold costume matches the one in this book.

The gloves don't match but I'm sure if our boots hadn't been cut out of either picture, they'd make up for the gloves!

The Crime Syndicate fail to reach Lois before the lever is pulled and she's electrocuted. But I bet the dome went up just before she was killed and she got her invulnerability back just in time! I just bet!

Back in Future Metropolis, Lex Luthor Look-a-Likes One Million continue to hunt Justice Legion Alpha. Probably because their name is ridiculous but it can still be shortened to JLA. Clever!

Planet Brainiac actually waits a few beats too long to make his demands on the "heroes." So I guess Superwoman really is dead! That's okay. There were too many women on the team anyway. Telos teleports the Crime Syndicate into battle with Justice Legion Alpha. Unless they're actually Justice League A like the Lex Luthor Look-a-Like called them.

Most of the Crime Syndicate choose not to fight because remember that thing about them being pussies? Of course you remember that because I'm not supposed to be calling people pussies! That's wrong and I totally apologize for doing it because I'm a huge pussy and I don't want people writing nasty comments to me. But Ultraman does want to fight! He knocks Superman One Million into a building and proclaims one-fifth of a victory! The other four-fifths will have to wait until next issue.

Convergence: Crime Syndicate #1 Rating: This is only my second Golden Age Convergence issue and I'm completely bored of the Golden Age! Where are the super ridiculous plots that make no sense?! Where is Superman with a lion's head?! Or Ma and Pa Kent dying of some Caribbean disease?! Or Batman tossing criminals into vats of acid willy-nilly?! If these are really characters from the Golden Age, my suspension of disbelief should be straining under the weight of silly, nonsensical stories targeted at children! This story seems to have mixed up "whimsical" with "boring." Is Convergence over yet?!

Convergence: Detective Comics #1

Thanks for the black covers, DC! This week's Convergence Variant covers are going to be smeared with my fingerprints by the time I'm done reading them.

This week's comic books take place in Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis. In other words, they're going to be Golden Age stories! Hooray! I hope we get panels that show Robin grappling with an anaconda while Robin screams, "I'm grappling with an anaconda!" and then has a thought bubble that says, "Holy serpents! I'm grappling with an anaconda!" while the narrator says, "Robin grapples with the mighty monster of the rain forest river: the anaconda!"

The cities that Pre-Crisis Earth-Two Metropolis are up against are whatever city represents the Qward Anti-matter Universe, Jonah Hex's futuristic Atlanta, Georgia, and Red Son's Moscow. Sorry, Golden Age, but I have to root for Hex! I'm sure the entire week won't be exclusively Earth-Two Metropolis though. Surely The Freedom Fighters will take place in a different city, as well as Shazam and Blue Beetle (probably of the Dan Garrett variety).

The first page introduction sounds pretty close to a Golden Age comic book. Lots of narration to set the mood with over-the-top similes and lots of dramatic turns of phrase. And on the final panel of the page, a thought bubble! I truly hope they all retain this Golden Age tone.

The story is called "Powers and Responsibilities...". Since it stars the Superman of Red Son, it's probably going to be a story about capitalism versus communism. We know how a Golden Age story like that would end! Red Son Superman would step one foot into Metropolis, renounce communism, and begin fighting for truth, justice, and Visa! I hope this story ends that way too because America rules (with an inherently racist foreign policy built on the back of a constant military threat by deploying its armies all across the world and constantly reminding everybody that America is unarguably good and just and would never allow its own best interests to come into play while policing the entire world)!

Four months into Moscow coming under the dome, Superman continues to make public appearances to reassure the public that their great national hero still has things under control. Even though now he's riding in a limousine instead of flying over the streets.

Propaganda?! Why is Communist Superman so cynical?! It sounds like a capitalist is putting words in his mouth!

Meanwhile in Metropolis, Huntress and Robin discuss fashion and always having enough money to do anything they want. They've been hanging out with the JSA keeping Metropolis safe. Batman is dead for some reason. I don't remember when or how Earth-2 Batman died. Who's Who merely says "he laid down his life to save Gotham from a super-powered criminal" because Who's Who is a lazy fuck.

In Metropolis, Toyman can still find the resources to create a monstrous Nutcracker with which to ravage the city. In Moscow, everybody is starving.

What the hell, Telos? I thought you were supposed to supply the people with all the food, electricity, and water they need? But not toilet paper. I get why they're out of toilet paper.

When the dome comes down, Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne are teleported to Moscow to battle Superman. Dick says the "we aren't in Kansas anymore" line. I probably should have been keeping a tally for how many times that line was used. Maybe it was only twice, here and in The Adventures of Superman #1. And I only remember that because it was practically the last comic I read.

I think the final couple of pages are going to depict Dick Grayson and Helena Wayne being smashed into capitalist jelly.

Superman asks the duo to step out of the Batmobile and Helena answers by shooting a couple of missiles into his face. Oh boy! I bet he's seeing red! Ha ha!

He's actually more calm than capitalist Superman! What an example! I'm going to become a communist now!

Dick exits the Batmobile and enters a rational conversation with Superman. But Helena, being a loyal comic book character who knows how heroic characters are supposed to act when they meet other strange heroic characters, takes off in the Batmobile so she can take a moment to figure out how to defeat Superman. But he just flies after her and picks up the car in order to bring her back to Robin so they can discuss the matter. But Helena decides to hit the self-destruct button on the car because I guess she'd rather die than participate in peaceful negotiations with a communist?

Convergence: Detective Comics #1 Rating: So fucking stupid. Most of the comic book was boring, so I think Len Wein wanted to end it in a not boring fashion. It's too bad he decided to end it in a stupid fashion. I'm sure Superman saved Helena's life which will make her realize that maybe he isn't a bad guy and that there might be a possibility to save both of their cities by working with him. But that still won't justify how fucking paranoid and violent she's acting. Maybe she's acting in character? What do I know about the Earth-2 Huntress? Her Who's Who entry doesn't mention her temperament being an issue. Although her history does end with possibly the best last line of any of the histories I've read so far in the Who's Who: "Coincidentally, Gotham D.A. Harry Sims was her lover." What a coincidence! And informative too!

Convergence #4

That bald guy on the left should be fighting and not masturbating furiously.

It's Warlord! It's Warlord! He makes a snickity sound!

Hmm. That's all the energy I have for that song. Anyways, I've seen Warlord in ads in a bunch of old comics but never once have I read one of his comics. He must have been popular because his comic ran for eight years or something. I should ask Lord Google so I can go back and edit that statement to be precise so that I can drop the "or something."

The comic lasted 133 issues which makes my guess off by three years! That's even more impressive than my first impression! Just imagine if Tony S. Daniel had been drawing it! It probably would have lasted another ten years! Plus the whole 90s comic book art vibe could have begun much earlier! Look at this cover! It's full of grit and action and well-muscled wank material! I'm feeling so adult just looking at it! So very, very adult!

This issue begins with Telos holding Dick in his hands like a baby bird that has fallen (or been pushed by some asshole cuckoo (like The Joker! More apt! Pretend the "fallen" part was in parentheses instead!)) out of its nest. He's been Killing Joked which means he needs to become the new Oracle because it's about time a man had the job. Goddamn women have been trying to take men's jobs ever since men beat and raped them into second class citizens so long ago. How dare they try to change the natural order of things?! Remember how God made woman to be man's servant? No wait. I don't think you do remember if you're thinking of only the rib thing. In actuality, God tried to fix Adam up with every fucking animal in the world before he thought of creating a female variant of man.

Genesis 2:18-20: "And the Lord God said, It is not good that man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him. And out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field, and every fowl of the air; and brought them unto Adam to see what he would call them: and whatsoever Adam called every living creature, that was the name thereof. And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him."

So don't try that fucking "Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve" bullshit on me! Seems more like it was "Adam and every animal on Earth that God tried to set him up with!"

I understand people will interpret the previous Biblical passage in whatever way they've learned to interpret it by the dogma of the church. But I'm just reading it the way it was written! God says he'll make Adam a help meet and then precedes to introduce him to every animal ever. Afterwards, Adam is all, "Dude. None of these interest me." So that's when God makes Eve out of one of Adam's ribs. Seems pretty clear to me that God doesn't mind bestiality.

Also, I just realized it might be purposefully misunderstood by some jerks that I might be equating homosexuality with bestiality in that previous digression! Well I wasn't. So there.

Join? I thought they were just the guest judges?

Telos sets Dick up with an organic metal suit to help him with his newly shattered spine and to make him less like Oracle and more like Broken Bat Batman. Was that ever an action figure? That should have been an action figure. Or at least an accessory to a Bane figure.

Meanwhile in Skartaris, Val-zod mentions how he doesn't kill unarmed men. Don't worry, Val! That'll change soon enough. I remember when you wouldn't even punch somebody and now you're a violent whirlwind of fists and feet.

Skartaris must have been one of the first cities Brainiac collected and placed on Telos because he completely fucked it up. It's not domed. It's in the center of the planet. It's got a plan to return everybody to Earth. How is it that Telos can't see what's going on deep inside of him? It's like he shoved Skartaris up his ass and simply forgot about it. Or was too embarrassed to get help dislodging it.

Time must flow differently on Skartaris if Warlord just noticed Skartaris moved. Or maybe Warlord just isn't very observant.

Back on the surface, Dick Grayson begins questioning Telos's plan. Will it become up to Dick Grayson to save everybody by being the nice guy? Will he convince Telos that it will be more fun if Telos lets them all survive? Maybe he can also convince Telos to save the universes that go along with each of these cities and let them all exist in this place that is no place and in no time! Then DC Comics can eat all of their cakes while also having their cakes uneaten too!

Do all ideas have value, Dick? Do they? What about this Convergence one you're trying to stop because it has no value?! How about when a male child is born, we begin removing their penises and surgically attaching them to their foreheads? Does that idea have value? What about a parallel reality where rape jokes actually are funny? Value or no value?

Beneath the surface, Deimos has ditched his new friends to search for the Time Masters. Yolanda has followed him because the Twofers don't trust him anymore. That'll happen when you decide to align yourself with the first person you meet on a strange planet. Deimos offers to tell Yolanda all about Telos and his plans and how to defeat him but Yolanda is an idiot. Instead of gathering information from Deimos, she decides to try to kill him instead. Yolanda would be a terrible gamer. This shit is all about timing, Yolanda! Even if you think Deimos needs to be killed, you don't simply try to kill him at every opportunity. You wait until you have to make a move against him. Right now, he was offering you information! Take it and then maybe try to kill him. Or take it and join him! Or take it and masturbate upside down while picturing Snorlax naked and being anally fisted by Meowth while his payday power rains money all around them. Do anything you can think of but do it after you've learned what Deimos was going to tell you!

Deimos easily defeats Yolanda and then he defeats Shakira, Warlords's cat and/or girlfriend. He then begins draining the Time Masters of their powers so that he can use the power to take over the multiverse.

Telos and Dick Grayson arrive in time to see Deimos use his new time powers to convene a meeting with the real Brainiac who is still trapped in a uSphere.

Now I have the I Dream of Jeannie theme stuck in my head.

Convergence #4 Rating: It's weird. I sometimes have to wonder why I've been doing this comic book blog for the last three and a half years. I'm definitely not as passionate about comic books as most comic book fans. I realized when I glanced at this cover and knew it was by Tony S. Daniel that I don't ever remember being so into comic books that I could normally do that. Sure, I could recognize some of the most obvious cover artists of the time. Simon Bisley, for instance. You know, I could recognize the covers that any true comic fan would scoff at and mutter, "Obvious!" Passionate fans remember the issue number of comics that meant something to them. I remember, vaguely, the title of a series that I once read that had a story that I kind of remember enjoying. What I'm trying to say is why am I doing this blog?! There are so many other people better suited to a task like this because they actually remember the last thirty years or more of comic book character histories! I remember everything that happened in Elfquest and Cerebus and Shade the Changing Man and that's about it. The rest is just blurry, vague impressions of stories I either liked or didn't like. Even Suicide Squad which is my favorite "masks" comic book, I can only recall a handful of moments that have truly stuck with me.

So why am I doing this? Fuck if I know. I just know that one of the things I truly love about comic books is the never-endingness of it all. The stories just keep going and going and the heroes persevere and survive and keep on keeping on and there's something magical in that which feeds my need for something eternal, no matter how illusory. Plus there is a lot of punching and pretty pictures!

Anyway, Convergence earns five out of five Who Gives A Rat's Asses.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1

Supergirl is so lucky she got domed.

This convergence bullshit doesn't make any sense. If Supergirl was domed before Crisis on Infinite Earths, how did she die during Crisis on Infinite Earths? DC Comics! I demand you provide readers with Return To Infinite Crisis On Infinite Earths One Final Time Hour and fix this bullshit! I'm so sick of your universe not making any sense! How am I supposed to figure out which super hero can win in a fight against another super hero if your continuity is all fucked up?! The most important thing in my life is being able to logically explain how Blue Beetle can kick Ambush Bug's ass through the transitive property! How can I do that if I can't make sense of your universe?! I'm so confused! I'm off to read Marvel.

*disappears for fifteen minutes*

Holy shit. Um, I'm sorry, DC. Your universe is just fine the way it is.

This issue begins with Marv Wolfman writing it so it already has three strikes against it. And there were already two outs. And the ballgame had been over for a week already anyway.

Supergirl and Superman are hanging out with Lucius Fox in the Batcave.

The city has limited supplies of everything but Batman is still able to finagle extra parts for backup. I bet he's hoarding all of the morphine and sour candy too.

Pre-Crisis Gotham City is just full of the best superheroes! Batman. The Flash. Superman. Supergirl. Those other ones. So many!

Lucius has developed a helmet that I can't explain very well. Lucius is trying to build a Phantom Zone Projector but he doesn't know how. But since Supergirl saw the Projector when she was little, she should retain memories about how it was built because that makes no sense but this is a comic book so just go with it, asshole. While Supergirl wears the helmet, she watches Lucius place random parts beside each other. When two parts come together that were part of the projector, the lights on the helmet glow green. When he places two parts that don't go together near each other, the helmet glows red. So basically the helmet will be red for the next twenty years as he jams random pieces of technology together.

Is it really universal? You'd think at least one race in the universe would realize that red and green are stupid colors to use to indicate yes and no due to colorblindness. But then that might just be a fault in human genetics. But then that makes it even dumber that Lucius, a human, is still sticking by red and green as indicators. How about using an LED display that says "Correct!" and "Wrong, you stupid piece of shit!" instead?

Lucius gets lucky on his second placement of the crystal and the Phantom Zone Projector is ready to go! Now he just has to send Superman and Supergirl into the Phantom Zone where they can walk until they're past the edge of the dome and then come out of the Zone! It's a brilliant escape plan! Except as soon as Lucius sends them on their way, Planet Brainiac drops the dome. Whoops!

Oh! Oh! Is this issue entitled "Gorilla Warfare"?! Please please please please please!

Supergirl and Superman explore the Phantom Zone searching for a way out. While they fly about, Supergirl is all, "Remember how my dad built a dome over Argo City to save it from the death of Krypton and your parents?" And Superman is all, "Weep weep weep." And Supergirl is all, "Maybe that's what happened to Gotham! Somebody domed it because Earth and the Kents were destroyed!" And Superman is all, "Blubber blubber blubber blubber."

Superman gets tired of crying so he changes the topic of conversation. Next Superman is all, "I'm so logical and smart but you aren't which is why I admire you. You're emotional and more emotional." And Supergirl is all, "I don't know what to say, dick." And then they're attacked by prisoners of the Phantom Zone who despise the House of El even though it was Jor-el who saved their lives and gave them another chance if only they could get out of The Phantom Zone. Too bad every time one of them breaks free of the Zone, they decide to squander their second chance at life and attack Superman instead. Idiots.

See? Idiots. Every single one of them.

Supergirl beats up the four prisoners that followed her. She then finds vents of a special Golden Age gas that shows a person their past and future. It has to be from the Golden Age because it's so ridiculous.

Streaky!

Supergirl sees the cover to Crisis On Infinite Earths #7 and freaks the fuck out. She's going to die without ever having known the unsatisfying sexual exploits of a human male!

Kara cries over her virginity for a few hours before realizing that Superman should have caught up with her by now. So she flies off to rescue him. Or to hold his dead body in her arms while she screams at the harsh randomness of existence.

Supergirl finds the prisoners standing around her unconscious cousin making the biggest mistake of their lives.

I mean after the mistake that got them arrested and put into the Phantom Zone in the first place. Probably called Jor-el a nerd to his face.

Supergirl begins taking out the Phantom Zone prisoners one by one and leaving them in a mass grave.

What the hell is that guy wearing? A Kryptonian Censorship Bar?

Supergirl rescues her cousin and flies back to the Golden Age Gas Pit. A rupture appears in the sky but as she's flying toward it with Kal, the criminals ambush her. They delay her long enough for the rupture to close. Now they'll never get back in time to take part in Gorilla Warfare!

Meanwhile back in Pre-Crisis Gotham City, an army of gorillas have invaded. And with Superman and Supergirl trapped in the Phantom Zone, there are no heroes left in Gotham to stop the damn dirty apes! Except for Batman. And The Flash. And all of the other ones.

Convergence: The Adventures of Superman #1 Rating: This issue didn't have a title. I bet Marv Wolfman wanted to call it Gorilla Warfare but editorial nixed the idea because how many times has that stupid pun been used previously in comic book history? Like twenty at least! Although maybe next issue will be called Gorilla Warfare! That's more apt since the apes just invaded on the final page!

Here's my real review: 6.5 Goblets out of Lots of Goblets.

Convergence: The New Teen Titans #1

Why are these assholes so fucking happy?

I hope Wonder Girl's husband Terry makes an appearance. Hell, I hope he's the Goddamned narrator!

Fuck. The first page after opening the cover has Wonder Girl staring longingly at a picture of her and her husband so I guess he didn't make it into the dome. Which means, if any of these characters continue to exist in DC Continuity, Terry will be dead and gone. Was that DC's plan for bringing back a bunch of old characters? To bring them back but without their past romantic entanglements? Was this entire Convergence thing a plan to fridge every superhero's loved ones?!

"It's been a year and my last recording was just a few days ago, so let me catch you up on shit from months and months ago because I guess all of my previous recordings were about how surprised I was that Cyborg and Changeling hooked up. P.S. Thigh gap game on point!"

Dick and Kory are currently out fighting crime using rocket jet hang gliders loaded with weapons. I guess that technology is realistic enough for it to have kept working after the dome dropped unlike silly techno-bullshit like Steel's cyborg body or Arsenal's robot arm.

Meanwhile under the dome in the Tangent Universe...wait a second! Is Marv Wolfman allowed to write about the characters inside the other domes?! Anyway, the Tangnt characters, whoever the fuck they are, get to react to Planet Brainiac's message. It's a good choice by Marv Wolfman because how can I bitch about the way he's portraying characters if I don't know how the fucking characters should be portrayed? Although it's a bad choice because I'm not interested in them at all. Who is?! I don't remember a time when the comic book world was abuzz about the Tangent Universe.

In case anybody has forgotten, Kory is a violent hot head with a tragic past! She vowed never to be caged again and yet this entire last year, she was caged by an unknown threat. Some people read this and probably think, "Oh! Poor Kory! How terrible that she had to suffer this way?!" I read this and think, "Yawn." It's always the same thing with Kory! Dick keeps her in line because humans are ethically and morally superior to Tamaraneans. But then somebody tries to restrain Kory and all of her past trauma comes back to her and she beats everybody near to death like a wild animal (also known as a Tamaranean).

I can't wait to reread my New Teen Titans comic books so I can remember exactly why I disliked Dick so much but after typing up that last paragraph, some of it seems to be coming back. I think he was trying too hard to be Batman at times while keeping his team together while forcing them to fall in line with his model of behavior. It's like I was reading the Dick Grayson still trying to prove himself and get out from the shadow of the bat. But then I walked away from comic books for a number of years and returned to find Dick Grayson a confident peer of The Batman. He was no longer the ex-sidekick Dick Grayson. He had become his own man. Or I'm just remembering it all wrong and I hated Dick because of who I was twenty-five years ago.

Starfire notices her powers are back and blasts the shit out of the guys that just murdered five people. But she doesn't kill them because she doesn't want to hear her husband (Kory and Dick were married under the dome) lecture her on why it's not right to kill. But Changeling and Cyborg don't seem to realize they have their powers back yet because Changeling is still a monkey and Cyborg is still acting like he's falling apart. At least he hasn't been in bed and hooked up to life support all year like Steel.

You can try making him a crystal butt plug!

It turns out the Tangent Universe characters are the most uninteresting version of the Doom Patrol ever written. Unless that version was the 2004 John Byrne version.

The Doom Patrol attack Vic and Gar while making sure they yell their name loud enough for Gar to hear so he can cry, "Mama?!" and then let the tears roll.

The Titans and the Dumb Patrol battle for a bit before the Dumb Patrol flies off to rethink their plan. They don't want to battle to the death. They want Cyborg because he is a power source they can use to return their city to Earth so they can time travel so they can change the future so they can save billions of lives. Oh, comic books!

When did Dick become a Promise Keeper?

The Teen Titans have plenty of time for Teen Relationship Drama even though, I mean, are they really teenagers anymore? How old are these cats?! Half of them are married and the other half are not married! It's crazy that they'e all involved in marriage at such a young age by either being in it or not in it!

The issue ends with Firehawk and Nightwing breaking Planet Brainiac's rules!

Hey now! No surprise team-ups between heroes from different domes! Rules violation! Rules violation!

I don't want to be one of those comic book fans but how is Firehawk's network connecting to Nightwing's network? Also, how did Firehawk find Nightwing's contact information? Also also, how did Firehawk even know Nightwing's name? And how has Cyborg survived all year with his comic book technology? And how many women had sex with a green monkey during the last year? That last one was just for my own curiosity.

Convergence: The New Titans #1 Rating: Did anybody else see what was going on in Nightwing's pants? Holy fuck! Does he store gadgets down the front of them?

Convergence: The Flash #1

Barry Allen gets to live!

Barry Allen deserved to die in Crisis On Infinite Earths. The villain of any story must be punished at the end of the story or else you teach children that chaos, bedlam, and scoffing at laws pay off in the end. We can't have that. So Barry Allen, being the initial cause of the Infinite Earth Debacle, had to die as the chaos he created finally came to a close. It's simple arithmetic. By way of literature.

This issue manages to gain One Speed Force Point (The Flash earns Speed Force Points whenever the writer makes a pun based on The Flash's super speed or his name or anything else that I think is punny enough) right off the bat by calling itself "Out of the Running." What is it about The Flash that linked puns to his super power? Was that part of his origin that I missed? Is it because he gained his powers from a "flash" of lightning? That isn't really a pun but it's close enough to the level of puns one might find while reading a Flash comic book. Nobody really cares what happens in this story right? I haven't read it yet but I'm pretty sure it will be about how Barry Allen has learned to live without his powers or his city or Iris West for the last year. And then Planet Brainiac will challenge him to battle for Gotham's life and then the issue will end. Unless it's one of those issues that introduces the bad guy and lets Barry interact with them a little bit before it ends. Either way, it's the same story I've read twenty-seven times before this. So let's just count up the Speed Force Points and run along, shall we?

The title page garners two Speed Force Points! One for "Out of the Running" and one for Barry "flashing" the city.

The third page shows he has a treadmill in his bedroom (possibly of the cosmic variety) and even though he's also making coffee to keep himself moving, no Speed Force points are earned. He's still wearing his costume ring. Does that mean if he opens the ring, does a teeny, tiny costume fall out? You know, because shapeshifters seem to be stuck in the shape or at the size they were when the dome fell, so his suit can't grow, right? I wonder if Plastic Man is stuck in the form of a mailbox?

The treadmill is his cosmic treadmill. Barry just happened to be visiting from the 30th Century where he and Iris went to live. And while he was in town, the dome dropped down on him. And he lost his powers.

But he gained another Speed Force Point!

I hope this issue ends with Barry facing off against a bunch of gorillas from one of the other cities so that next issue can be called "Gorilla Warfare!" That's always a funny joke to use whenever Grodd appears!

Barry has decided that he's no use against the impenetrable dome so maybe he should leave it up to smarter, less boring depowered super heroes. Instead of helping find a way out of the dome, he runs. That's not worth a Speed Force Point. There's nothing funny about Barry running in the mornings! Even if he has to do it at normal speed!

This gets half a Speed Force Point for playing off the fact that Barry would normally say, "I'll be there in a flash!" Also, pagers! Ha ha!

Barry's lab assistant at the Gotham Police Department is a woman named Josie who wants Barry to be more than a coworker. But since he can't give up hope that he'll never find Iris again (especially since he has a cosmic treadmill that will allow him to go to any time to find her (also can't it take him to a time before he had sex with Josie so he technically didn't cheat on Iris? Just, you know, thinking out loud)). While thinking about how he's stuck in this other life that he isn't ready to accept, he thinks, "Maybe this is what life is going to be. I can't run from it." Bold text not mine! Thanks for making sure I caught that one, Tom Napolitano! That makes the score four and one half Speed Force Points so far. That's already a pretty good score and I'm not even halfway through this comic.

Barry skips having coffee with Josie because he has a date with Bruce. They talk about how Barry is a quitter and Bruce is a never-gonna-quitter. And then they end with a Speed Force Point!

Barry only understands advice in running analogies.

Barry leaves Bruce and takes a cab back to work. On the way, he gets a page from Josie about a crime scene nearby. Barry tells the cabbie that "it's faster on foot" and moves the Speed Force Point total to six and a half! And then Planet Brainiac chimes in with his blah blah fucking la dee blah.

When the dome falls, Barry runs off to talk to Bruce and realizes he has his super speed back. But not before some guy says, "That's right, buddy. Run and hide!" Ha ha ha! Ow. My sides!

And on the final page, The Flash meets his competition.

This must be Tangent Universe Superman.

Convergence: The Flash #1 Rating: Seven and a half Speed Force Points! That's a pretty good score although I think it's a bit low if this were truly representative of a Pre-Crisis Flash comic book. I think DC Editorial mandated three good puns per page back then. I wonder if Batman ever screamed at Barry to knock it off while on a Justice League mission. "You don't hear me talking about fucking bats all of the time, do you?!" And then of course everybody began pointing out all of his Batgear and then he'd stomp off in a huff.

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1

I can draw!

Convergence really exposes the need for comic book companies to maintain a sense of continuity and history in their story telling. People may have felt excited to get glimpses of the characters they used to love before The New 52 but without any tangible tie to an overall continued existence for these characters, a reader can lose interest fairly quickly. Too much continuity can get in the way of a writer feeling free to tell the story they want to tell. But not enough continuity and the reader doesn't develop a bond for the character in the book. Every time the character appears, without that sense of history, it may as well be a new character. The characters always kept that sense of history after each of DC's previous reboots because they were essentially the same character but having become a resident in a somewhat different universe. The New 52 outright told the fans that these were not the same characters or the same universe and to get used to it, so many felt that disconnect with the characters and just moved on. Now DC Comics has taken a few months to say, "Here! Those characters you miss! They're right here!" But come on. Who fucking really cares when it's just a brief window into old lives that are now long gone? These stories are less interesting because they are no longer part of DC Continuity.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe the old fans are coming out in droves to support this event. But I know after two and a half weeks of it, I'm a little bit bored by it, overall. It feels like I'm picking up old comic books out of my collection and giving them a reread. I suppose DC is going to allow most of their old timelines to come back into their overall universe in some form or another by the time this Convergence is over because they're dying to bring back all those fans who can't stand them anymore due to The New 52. But history being doomed to repeat itself whether or not people know their history because that's just the way history works, the people running DC Comics will eventually look at how confusing their universe is to new readers and decide to clean it up somehow. Which, once again, won't work exactly how they wanted it to, make things more confusing in the long run, and wind up in yet another cleaning up of continuity.

Here's some advice, DC Comics: put ice cream on pizza. Man, it's weird.

Was Swamp Thing a comedy pre-Crisis?!

I like that Len Wein brought back that whole Strange Tales Narrator deal and the nice Swamp Thing tagline of the shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man. But naming the story "It's Not Easy Being Green"? I'm not exactly going to be terrified by this tale, am I?

So Swamp Thing was caught in Gotham during the doming. What was he doing up there? Did the dome drop while Abby was being put on trial for fucking a plant man? Has he been rooming with Solomon Grundy in Slaughter Swamp for the last year? Hopefully he wasn't connected to The Green in pre-Crisis continuity or else he probably died when moved off planet and the rest of this comic book will be his body as it rots on the edge of Gotham.

The Narrator just turns into the Swamp Thing narrating because he was just putting on that highly dramatized horror book narration voice for old times sake. After he points out that he's the muck-encrusted monstrosity, Swamp Thing tells his history because Len Wein didn't want to simply write, "Remember how I created the Swamp Thing?! Remember all of the stories I wrote about him?! Remember my work on him and not that fucking wanna-be mystic piece of shit English person?! Me! I created Swamp Thing! I DID IT, GODDAMMIT! The fucking Anatomy Lesson was bullshit."

The walking moss pile is surprised that Abigail wants a lover with a penis.

The Swamp Thing's recounting of his history ends with The Anatomy Lesson so I guess, since Len was editor on the book at the time, he seems to think it was an okay story and it's probably not a bad idea to keep it part of pre-Crisis Swamp Thing's history. I mean, he could have cut it from this version of Swamp Thing's history altogether since the story appeared so close to the beginning of Crisis. Wouldn't it be interesting to return a new version of the Swamp Thing to DC Continuity? One that never underwent the magical transformation of weird horror novelty to interesting character that people began to love? I want stories of the weird horror novelty!

None of the other Pre-Crisis books have documented the time of the doming as well as this one. Although, really, this is just Len's version. No other book mentioned the red skies at all.

Swamp Thing decides to go to Gotham to ask Batman about the red skies because Batman knows everything. Abby tags along and they make a nice vacation out of it. Let me guess! The dome falls, they get trapped in Gotham, Swamp Thing is cut off from the Green, and Abby spends the next year trying to desperately keep her Chia Thing alive!

The dome covers Gotham and cuts Swamp Thing off from The Green. Now he's just a shambling muck-encrusted mockery of a man again instead of whatever Alan Moore made him. A philosopher? Abby leaves him in the park while she heads off to find a job and an apartment. That shouldn't be any problem what with everybody probably freaking the fuck out and such.

A week later, Abby reports back that Gotham is handling things reasonably well since a giant dome covering the city winds up being a lot more fun than everybody dying from Joker gas. And Abby has done some wangling of her own.

At first I thought "wangle" was a sex act and then I read the definition and, well...getting the job and the apartment probably did involve sex. I can read between the dictionary definitions.

Abby begins delivering plant food which is barely keeping Swamp Thing alive. Then one day, many weeks later, the usual business of Gotham intrudes on Swamp Thing's territory as Batgirl chases Poison Ivy through the park.

Naughty!

Many weeks later, just as hope for Swamp Thing's survival is waning, Planet Brainiac lifts the dome and Swamp Thing's connection to The Green returns. Even if this planet is nowhere in space or time. I guess The Green exists everywhere except inside of domes. Swamp Thing's power comes back but before he and Abby can adjust, they're transported by Planet Brainiac to the Gotham of Red Rain where they're attacked by a bunch of vampires.

I think the lead vampire is Vampire Lobo.

Convergence: Swamp Thing #1 Rating: It was a day in the park! But for a year! Exclamation point! Nervous stomach! What the fuck am I doing with my life?!