Sinestro #11

Having everybody in the universe use English to name themselves and their teams is a handy little comic book convention that I don't think we applaud enough. Give it a hand!

It's hard to believe this comic is already on Issue #11. I feel like I've only read two issues so far. And in both issues, Sinestro mentioned how Hal Jordan was his best friend and his worst enemy.

As a cutting edge, topical writer, I should probably comment on the most important news story of the week: today all of the numbers from Lost lined up in our time and dating system: 4/8/15 16:23:42! Well, they did if you write the date before the time. And also if you're American which means the month comes before the date. And also if you use military time (which is just known as "metric time" to every other non-American country. Or something). So it was actually less spectacular than everybody wants you to believe. I'm sure a lot of people's reactions were akin to Regina King's comment (she was the person whose comment appeared at the bottom of the article as I looked at it during my brief visit to Facebook over dinner): "The 16 is the only number that doesn't line up. But it's a multiple of 4 so I guess it still works. LOL!" Oh, Regina! You ignorant rapscallion you! Keep being you, girl!

Anything else happening in the news lately important enough for me to comment on? I don't think so. I almost began writing about a cop shooting an unarmed black man during a traffic stop but since the cop was being charged with murder, I believe I must have dreamed the entire thing. And nobody wants to hear me comment on my dreams!

Anyway, I didn't dream Sinestro. And if I did, I'd scold myself for having such boring, ridiculous dreams.

Thanks for narrating a scene you cannot see which you're not involved in anyway and bringing your own suppositions and biases into the equation, Sinestro! I hate perceiving things without help and coming up with my own conclusions!

Bekka has come to Warworld to help rescue Sinestro because she just couldn't get him out of her mind after meeting him. How can a female resist his condescending attitude, his arrogant demeanor, and his bright pink skin? Swoon! Plus he must be all man! Why else would his name mean "without estrus"?

Sinestro is still tied up and hanging upside down deep inside Warworld where he's busy convincing Whats'isname of the Apex League to abandon Mongul and join with him. The Apex League wants to destroy The Paling, a cult of apathy. But Sinestro points out that Mongul is no better. He also travels from world to world destroying entire planets and solar systems. Instead, the Apex League should side with Sinestro! Because when Sinestro destroys a planet, he does it for the greater good! He's the planet destroying menace that knows what this universe needs! Vote Sinestro!

Sinestro delivers his well-practiced "Fear Can Move Mountains!" speech that he usually saves for Hal Jordan and other suitors not ready to give up the butt. The Apex guy is all, "I'm listening...," as he loosens his belt.

Up on Warworld's surface, Mongul turns on his ring draining technology he scavenged from space and defeats the entire Sinestro Corps. He's still got issues with the Corps that go back to the Preboot universe, so I have no idea what it's all about and I don't really care. I feel like Mongul and Warworld aren't being written to Jim Starlin's satisfaction here. That's not a criticism on Cullen Bunn's part! I just think Jim Starlin probably hates it when anybody uses Mongul or Warworld. Because that just means when he next writes another comic book, he might have to forgo using Mongul and Warworld because they were used too recently by another writer. And then he'll have to come up with a new villain that looks exactly like Thanos and Darkseid who flies around in a planet-sized weapon of war.

Once the rings are drained, the Sinestro Corps members are pretty much useless. All but one of them, anyway.

One of my favorite lines from Pink's album Missundaztood is "What good am I to you if I can't be broken?" Which is an especially nice lyric when you consider that she also writes lyrics like "Her pain is painful" and "I won't spill the milk at dinner" and "UUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNHHHHHH! UNNNNNNNNNHHHHHHH!" and "This is my Vietnam" where she's talking about, I don't know, having to clean up her room or something.

Sinestro is freed by Dez and Kale and his daughter (whose name nobody uses in the scene so fuck if I can remember it). Dez asks Sinestro if Sinestro didn't release Parallax because he was afraid Mongul would drain it. Before Sinestro answers, he pauses one full, silent panel because he can't believe one of his recruits had the gall to ask Sinestro if he was afraid. Luckily Sinestro doesn't kill him because Dez is probably the only character in the Sinestro Corps besides Arkillo whose name I can always remember.

Sinestro reverses the ring siphon, frees Lyssa, and shoots Mongul off into space surrounded by a field of fear. The Apex League follow after because Sinestro tells them The Paling will be lured to Mongul's fear. As if Sinestro knows anything about The Paling. But the Apex League follow after Mongul because they're idiots who forgot that they were looking for help to defeat The Paling and weren't actually interested in confronting The Paling without extra help. And they weren't about to keep Warworld since Sinestro decided to lay claim to it. Warworld is a good base for the Sinestro Corps. Now they've got a mobile headquarters just like the Green Lanterns! Maybe Mogo and Warworld will fall in love and have a litter of asteroids.

Sinestro #11 Rating: No change. This comic book falls into the category of unrateable, at least by me. It might be the kind of comic book some people like but it doesn't do anything for me. It actually does a lot of things I don't like: omniscient narration boxing by characters that aren't omniscient, every character is an arrogant blowhard, a female character that is more powerful and has more personality than the main male character but somehow falls under his thrall and accepts a position as part of the supporting cast, Cullen Bunn on writing duties. The list just goes on and on! I mean, that was the whole list but it felt like it went on and on. Especially as I sat here trying to come up with enough reasons to show why I dislike this comic book instead of just saying, "I don't like this comic book for reasons." Or I could have just said, "I can't even." Less words is better! And if they're misspelled and in all-caps? EVNE BETTRERER!

Gotham By Midnight #5

Gotham by Midnight just sounds like a late night radio show.

Good evening, Gotham. How're we all doing on this surprisingly green night? Hopefully you've got a cold glass within reach and a warm body to lean against to get you through one more Gotham night. And this one's a weird one. If you're out there all alone, huddled under an old quilt while trying to remember if you locked the front door or, if you know you did, wondering if the lock would even hold against a mad, desperate intruder, try to take a little comfort that I'm there with you, Gotham. I'll be here all night taking your calls and answering your deepest, most profound midnight questions. But before I go to the phones, let's begin our night with a little Billie Holiday and "Gloomy Sunday."

"Good evening. Welcome to Gotham By Midnight. How can I drive away the darkness, caller?" "Well, Charlie, I think I might be going mad because there's an enormous white nipple pressed up against my apartment window!"

Caller, that is a problem some of us would love to have. That's a hard one to answer though because it's an ambiguous portent. If it's a female nipple, it represents life and charity and the pure love of motherhood. If it's a male nipple, it represents whatever the opposite of that is. Like death and greed and the tainted hate of fathersocks. See, socks are the opposite of a hood because they go on the opposite end of the body!

I hated the soft, soothing voice of Charlie so I couldn't help but slip back into my own voice. Besides, I wasn't going to be able to do that stupid radio shtick for the entire commentary!

Although the whole ambiguous nipple thing does fit in to the story since The Spectre is currently trying to decide if he's going to give mother's nipple or father's nipple to Gotham. It depends on how racist the DC Universe's God is. Does he think the native people slaughtered by the founders of Gotham have a case? I mean, Gotham only named the swamps around the city Slaughter Swamp. It's not like they were even trying to hide the city's foundation on genocide! I suppose The Spectre really just has to decide if he's punishing the right people. Obviously the natives of this land have a case! But should The Spectre punish the modern day citizens for the sins of their fathers' nipples? If The Spectre were the judgment of our Christian/Jewish/Muslim God (He is the same God, so why not lump them all together, right?), he'd definitely punish them. The God of the Book really just loved dishing out punishments and he didn't fucking care at all if he was punishing the right person. Fuck, he punished all women forever with childbirth because Eve ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! And he punished all men forever with, um, having to watch the women endure the pain of childbirth because Adam ate of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge! He even punished all serpents with quadriplegia because one serpent couldn't resist a good practical joke. That Guy was a dick.

While The Spectre plays Godzilla to the Ghost of Apache Chief's Other Godzilla, Tarr and Drake break into the bar to find Corrigan leaking green crap out of his face holes and Rook lying on the floor with no heart beat.

I wonder if Scott at Polite Dissent mentioned this use of the defibrillator? Hmm, no. His last post was last Easter!

Tarr and Drake had better hope that the defibrillator was free to use or that it doesn't save Rook's life because there is no way in hell that Rook is going to have the Gotham Police Department pay for this Midnight Shift nonsense.

Corrigan doesn't become The Spectre. His body is just the container for The Spectre. But when The Spectre manifests, Jim does get to hang out inside The Spectre's head kind of like Jason Rusch hangs out in Madison Payne's head. Except less sexually exciting. I think. Maybe The Spectre spends 75% of his time thinking about judgment and 25% of his time thinking about big, fat cocks?

Sister Justine and that Weaver fellow arrive at Corrigan's drinking hole because the climax of a story is best when all the characters wind up in the same place. Especially when you only have about a dozen pages left to finish the story.

What's that other saying? No Rabbis in gloryholes? Look, I'm not saying either saying is true.

How do you find a kosher gloryhole in a sea of goy gloryholes? It's the one not covered in dickcheese.

Jokes are hard to make up! Especially when the premise doesn't even make any sense.

Drake screams like a person named Drake might scream so that Weaver doesn't shoot Corrigan in the face. That would probably just free The Spectre to find some other body to inhabit. Or maybe it would just keep inhabiting Corrigan's body because isn't Jim dead already?

And then The Jeezly Crow Batman arrives to save the Goddamned day!

Or to make things worse. One of those.

I'll never understand how The Batman is so anti-gun but he's pro-every-fucking-other-lethal-weapon in the whole entire universe. Pistols are bad. But boomerangs full of dynamite are peachy! Sniper rifle? No fucking way! Gatling guns attached to the Batmobile? Awesome! Shoulder mounted rocket propelled grenades? Hmm. I actually don't know if he'd be okay with those.

Batman fails to stop Ikkondrid the Giant Ghost Monster with his missiles because his name isn't on the cover. This is Jim's book, Bruce! You don't get to save the day when you're up against magic and religion. You should be saving citizens on the street so that nobody ever dies ever. Why can't you stop death, Bruce? You fucking failure.

Batman crashes his plane into the street and then ditches it like a drunk teenager smashing daddy's car into a tree on prom night. It's good to have a secret identity! Now when the police discover the hit and run, they'll be all, "We can't arrest anybody because this car is registered to The Batman. Dammit! Who the fuck down at the DMV keeps letting this guy register vehicles in costume?!"

Sister Justine is doing that thing Abraham did to try to save Sodom. "Hey, God? If there are like, forty righteous people, will you spare the city?" "Sure!" "How about thirty-five?" "Yeah, I guess." "So then you wouldn't mind going down as low as say...thirty?" "Why not?" "What about ten, God? Ten too little?" "Why the fuck did I choose you? Always gotta question my authority! Always fucking asking for more. You little bitch." At least Justine doesn't waste God's time and just cuts right to the chase and asks to save the city due to one pure soul.

In an earlier issue, Corrigan mentioned that Drake was some kind of creature or something. And since she screams, it makes sense that she's part Banshee. This issue after she screams, she mentions that since she screamed, somebody is going to die. And if there's one thing that Darby O'Gill and the Little People taught me before Dungeons and Dragons taught it to me, it's that when a Banshee screams, somebody fucking dies.

Everyone desperately wants to live so they're all trying to convince God or Jim or The Spectre to not judge Gotham. Because they all know what happens to Gotham if it's judged. Hoo boy, do they know. Out of all the arguments, Sister Justine hits upon one that God really loves. It's that one where an innocent person pays for everybody else's crime? Huge favorite! Taken from the Jewish loophole of the scapegoat, of course. And since Justine offers herself as a martyr in place of everybody in Gotham, God and The Spectre agree. And Ikkondrid the Monstrous Ghost Giant tentatively agrees. For now. Because it's something even if it's still only one life in exchange for thousands. Eventually, Ikky isn't going to feel satisfied and he's going to come back for an appeal.

Batman comes up to Jim and is all, "What the fuck?" And Jim is all, "I know, right?"

Gotham By Midnight #5 Rating: +1 Ranking. Thanks for listening, Gotham. Now I'm going to slip out of this robe and slip into a nice, warm tub where I'll slip out of my skin and slip into another reality. Catch you on the underside, Gotham.

Red Lanterns #40

Stop being so dramatic, Guy, and just change your stinky baby.

Last issue, Guy Gardner defeated a baby. He then decided to make the baby his sidekick. Now he and the angriest baby in the world are hitchhiking across America in a piss poor mood.

Oh! One of my relatives posted a picture of my father's parents and two of my cousins from an Easter in the mid-70s! I thought I'd post it here without permission because obviously one of my grandparents had dangerous sex and now It is Following them! It must have been my grandfather because he probably died about six or seven years after this photo was taken. My grandmother lived until a few years ago! I think she only had sex five times in her life.

The It in the white hat kind of looks like she's making a Throw Momma From the Train face. You know. Anne Ramsey, I think her name was? I could look it up but I'm busy laughing at her scowl! "Fucking loving families! How dare they flaunt their joy! I hate Easter!"

My father's parents' names were Doil and Eupha. Seriously.

This issue begins with Guy Gardner and his sidekick, Baby Rabies, searching a dark warehouse and being ambushed by slavering angry dudes. It took a Green Lantern amount of will to not follow "slavering" with "Grues."

Bullshit! You can introduce new aspects to characters but suddenly making Guy Gardner color blind is 99.9% unbelievable.

I don't know a lot about being colorblind but I do know there are different kinds. But aren't they all usually some type of "can't tell the difference between two colors" kind of colorblind? Is there a kind of colorblindness where the colors are all nearly the same but different enough that a person can "barely tell them apart"?

Hey, have you seen that thing that everybody is constantly reblogging about those glasses that let colorblind people see colors they've never seen before? I want a pair of glasses that make me colorblind so I can know what it's like to be colorblind! Is being colorblind like seeing the world as if you were viewing everything on an old Apple IIe color monitor? Where everything is just blue, green, purple, or orange?

Guy Gardner has decided it's time to get all philosophical because Landry Q. Walker doesn't want to be known as one of them stupid comic book writers what gots no education or nothin'! Guy is gonna ponder all the shit that changes in a person when they put on a ring! You may think you're angry without a ring and then you're the same angry person with a red ring but Guy is here to say that's wrong! The ring changes you! I mean, sure, it gives you hot lava breath and makes you an incoherent asshole! But it changes you in other ways that people don't often acknowledge. I don't know what those ways are yet because Guy Gardner doesn't elaborate.

Well he stole a baby! Did he tell you about the baby he stole? You're holding it right now!

What Guy has been up to is killing all of the people that Atrocitus filled with rage. Although he probably tries to think of it less as killing them and more as freeing them. Although he's not buying that for a second which is why Guy is so exhausted. He might also have accidentally killed a few people who weren't possessed by Atrocitus's red rage but were just pissed off over being cut off in traffic or because somebody was talking on their cell phone in a movie theater.

Guy also might just be absorbing the rage from the people that are killing other people and none of the deaths have actually been Guy's fault. I mean, he didn't kill the baby, right? And if he had to kill just one human, I think he'd take his own life at this point. He's just trying to clean up what he sees as his mess, and I'm certain he doesn't want to permanently harm anybody.

If she thinks Guy is being pretentious, I hope she never runs into Oliver Queen. He's saving his city, you know! Because everybody in his city? They're too stupid to save themselves. Bunch of idiots up there in Seattle. I should know! Some of them are my friends.

Guy sends his sister (and his sidekick) to an emergency life pod orbiting the Earth where she'll be safe while he battles all of humanity's rage. I guess things are going to get a little messy down on Earth while this happens? Although it can't get too messy. This series only has seven pages left!

Guy's sister manages to figure out the intercom and tells Guy that he's a hero and that he always sees the best in everybody and that he's colorblind but she loves him anyway. Then Guy is all, "You know, Simon tried to tell me that shit too but I didn't buy it. But now I buy it because you're my sister and I love you and junk! I am a hero!" Then he saves the world by turning anger into hope! Just like Gandhi!

Jesus! Have some sensitivity! Guy has no idea those lights were all different colors!

Red Lanterns #40 Rating: -2 Ranking. I just didn't like the whole color blind revelation. I guess some color blind readers out there are coming in their pants about finally having some representation but it made no Goddamned sense. Unless he's always been colorblind! How should I know? I was away from comics for years! And I barely remember the comics I read before that. But the way Guy reveals it, it sounds like something Walker just made up for this story. Anyway, it was so stupid that now I hate Guy Gardner. Thanks a lot, Landry Q. Walker! Jerko!

Aquaman #40

After freeing Willy from captivity, Aquaman forced Willy to risk his life battling dangerous super villains.

This cover actually looks like Aquaman is pulling back the trident to spear the killer whale. I wouldn't put it past him. Aquaman is a dick.

Last issue ended with Aquaman and Mera being hunted by a volcano god named Karaku and by his mother named Atlanna. Karaku also doesn't mind if he kills Atlanna and her people as well so Aquaman and Mera just need to hide long enough for their enemies to wipe each other out. Although, I suppose if I think like a human being with a heart that actually likes their family members, Aquaman probably doesn't want Atlanna murdered.

I bet Aquaman especially wouldn't want Atlanna to die if he's thought through the probable ending of this adventure! If she's still alive then she is still the Queen of Atlantis which means that he isn't responsible for all of that ruling bullshit anymore! He can go back to living in the lighthouse in Amnesty Bay with Mera and Aquadog and the police woman that has been taking care of Aquadog because I bet she'd be into a three-way relationship. I would be into reading about their three-way relationship.

Atlanna's Advisor who has been hanging out with Aquaman and Mera has a painful purple memory about the Karaqan and how it was raised to battle Karaku. Aquaman is all, "What the fuck does that have to do with anything? Can someone shut this woman up so I can come up with a plan that probably involves Mera saving everybody's asses since she has the best super power here?"

Evans isn't just good with shapes. He knows his colors too! Also Mera's ass. Homina.

Aquaman leaves Mera's protective water bubble to help his mother. His mother's rhinoceros is vaporized by a blast of lava which is total bullshit. I'm sick of these Atlanteans enslaving other creatures to fight their battles for them. How is that civilized?! They should just keep them penned up to use for meat and dairy! Anything else is just cruel!

Doctor Evans comes wading out to inform Aquaman that Lenu the Advisor has figured out how to defeat the Fire Trolls using her purple vision. That's when he finds out that he's not the perfect shape to fit in the hands of a fire troll.

Not even close. P.S. Ha ha!

If Doctor Evans dies, how are they ever going to fit shapes into shape-shaped recesses?! Do they give away posthumous Nobel Prizes for shape-matching?

Now, you all saw that picture I scanned of Doctor Evans getting fucked up, right? Aquaman saw the same thing which makes me wonder why, after getting Evans free, Aquaman says to him, "They'll have first aid in the sub." What the fuck kind of first aid is it?! Does it contain some kind of miracle band-aids?! A regenerative salve?! A new, non-broken body in which to download Evans' mind?! Even Evans, as he lays there dying, is embarrassed by his naivete.

Evans tells Arthur how to defeat the Fire Trolls and then frees up some space for more useful characters to come along. And then Aquaman is smashed by Karaku's huge flaming fist. Mera, who doesn't realize that she's in a comic book with Aquaman's name on the cover (and if she did, wouldn't she be pissed? Why the fuck doesn't she get shared billing?), screams his name because she thinks he was just killed. Aquaman's mother simply shrugs her shoulders.

But then Atlanna has second thoughts on letting him die when she sees Mera hop into action. She recognizes a truly powerful person when she sees one and Mera might turn her wrath on Atlanna if Atlanna doesn't help save Arthur. So she pulls him away from the battle as Mera takes the shape of a battle mech and punches Karaku in the head with a huge fist of water. Which is the only way to defeat the fire trolls! Karaku falls down dead as Aquaman looks on impotently.

With Mera and Arthur nearly exhausted, Atlanna approaches to finish them off with her horde of dinosaurs. But Arthur sees her dinosaurs and raises her...well, whatever the hell all of these things are.

You know, Aquaman, these sea creatures have lives of their own. You think they want to be coerced into coming up on shore to risk their lives for your family problems? Asshole.

Atlanna finally acknowledges that Arthur is her son and he's all, "Cool. That's all I wanted. We'll be going now, mom!" And she's all, "Bye! Maybe call first next time?"

Atlanna leaves her royal signet with Aquaman so that Atlantis will stop trying to shake itself to death. So I guess Arthur is still saddled with leadership. How annoying! For the life of me, I can't understand why anybody wants power or leadership. It's a fucking prison, man!

Aquaman #40 Rating: No change. I feel like sometimes comic creators come up with ideas to base a story arc on but then really don't know how to make that arc matter in any significant way. This story was based on the supposition that Arthur's mother was actually still alive. And she was! And...well...that's it! Arthur learned he has a mommy out there that doesn't really want anything to do with him or Orm or Atlantis. At least not right now. But what really happened in that revelation? How have things changed? What did Aquaman learn? I certainly wasn't paying enough attention, or maybe I'm simply just not smart enough, to understand the importance of this story. My favorite part was when the talking monkey fell into the labyrinth of monsters! That was silly!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9

Who cares?

Last issue with Infinity Man introducing himself to Big Bear and saying, "Oh yeah. I can manifest whenever I want. I just like watching you idiots touch that malfunctioning Mother Box and yelling 'Garblooey!' Ha ha. Totally hilarious."

Hopefully the revelations in this book will rival the revelations in Revelations! And hopefully they'll be more understandable. And hopefully none of them will leak out into other comic books. Can we just put this mess to rest here and now?

I like when the comic book says what I want to say before I can say it. Although I have already said multiple times that this comic book hasn't made any sense. I just hadn't gotten around to saying it yet in this commentary.

I'm going to begin calling my commentaries "critiques"! Doesn't that sound fancy?! I already sound smarter, right? I'm gonna make you proud yet, mama!

Wouldn't it be great if Infinity Man reveals all the secrets to Flashpoint and the Trinity of Sin and Convocation right here in this comic book? It would be a great big fuck you to all the smart people not reading this bullshit! I might even be the only one to learn all of the secrets! Am I the only person that purchased a copy of this issue? I wouldn't be surprised.

The first thing Infinity Man reveals is that The Joker did not rape Batgirl when he shot her in the spine and took naked pictures of her. He just really wanted to make that clear for Big Bear. Next he points out that Batman wasn't raped by Talia al Ghul at all because Batman is immune to Rohypnol so it was totally consensual. Then he goes off on a tangent where he wonders why he's never seen an anti-rape poster that points out how "sensual" is part of consensual and how it's sexy to get consent or something. Then Big Bear is all, "That's fucking disgusting, you idiot." And Infinity Man is all, "I was just trying out some new comedy. It's totally unfair to criticize me for new material!" And Big Bear was all, "I can have my opinions and my opinion is beginning to be that you're a problematic asshole!" And Infinity Man is all, "Okay! Okay! Calm down! Let's just get back to my revelations, okay?"

The third revelation from Infinity Man is that Batwoman was not raped by Nocturna and then she didn't have to deal with Nocturna blaming her for being victimized. Anybody who thought that totally read the situation wrong and should just know they were wrong and they shouldn't revisit the comic to try to prove that they weren't wrong at all and Nocturna totally blames Batwoman for her own rape and is a total gross asshole about the whole situation. Just believe the revelation, okay?

Infinity Man's fourth revelation is that it totally wasn't sexist and gross when DC Comics asked people to draw pictures of Harley Quinn naked in the bathtub trying to kill herself. That was comedy, people! Comedy! Jesus Christ (he says! Not me!), will you people get a sense of humor already!

Infinity Man's fifth revelation is that he didn't mean to tell readers with real issues about the things DC keeps printing that they were overreacting and that they needed to get a sense of humor. Infinity Man was totally thinking of something else at the moment and he's sure you misunderstood him and shit.

Infinity Man's sixth revelation is that Starfire is master of her sexuality and if it looked like she was portrayed as a cum dumpster that loves to gobble cum, it was only because you didn't read all of Scott Lobdell's tweets where he explicitly said that that wasn't how Starfire was being portrayed at all!

It's about at this point in the comic book where I started to think that maybe DC could have come up with a better way to spin their problems from the last few years than to try to spin them in a more positive way in continuity! These were really weird revelations!

Infinity Man's next revelation is his secret origin. It's about time Didio got around to the fucking characters in this comic book.

Infinity Man's secret origin is all about Izaya and how he turned into Highfather. At a crucial point in New Genesis's history, Izaya considers entering into a deal with Darkseid, exchanging his son Scott Free for Darkseid's son Orion. Unless they exchanged other sons. Anyway, to get some advice, Izaya visits the last shard of the original Source Wall. Apparently it's some kind of Magic Eight Ball.

DC is already selling replica Mother Boxes. Maybe they should sell mini-Source Wall's that answer questions like this?

Infinity Man is the bastard child of the Source Wall and Izaya's conscience. That's a pretty shitty revelation. I don't care about Infinity Man and I care even less about Highfather! So now I care many times more less than I used to about Infinity Man! Worst revelation and secret origin ever.

Stop threatening me with the possible continuation of crappy stories and garbage characters!

Infinity Man and the Forever People #9 Rating: -2 Ranking. Ugh. Uff. Blarg. Yeach. Pflooey.

Star Spangled War Stories #8

Mick and Jessica are doomed!

I have no clue what the names of the characters are in this comic book and I don't really give a shit. I'm kind of hoping they all die and the world ends and somehow the words on the last page of the issue are a magical incantation that will erase the memory of the entire series from my mind. Stop publishing bullshit comic books just to maintain the trademark for stupid comic book titles that don't need to fucking exist. Just because DC Comics once published a comic book called Star Spangled War Stories, or GI Combat, or Men at War, it doesn't mean DC needs to ever publish any comic book by those names ever again. Some people might say I'm wrong and they want to read war stories but those people are jerks that should be euthanized. And then their bodies should be fed to goats.

I'm serious here, DC Comics! No more fucking war comic books! Especially ones that don't have anything to do with war! GI Zombie is bullshit!

Last issue, Sally had tried to make a break for it from the Evil Hillbilly Terrorists. She hopped into a pink VW Bus driven by a California Coast Zombie and called for help. Too bad for her and the hippie (and, mostly, the beautiful pink VW Bus), they were stopped by bad people with big guns.

Well, they're dead. I'm guessing the front of a VW Bus doesn't exactly have a whole lot of stopping power when it comes to bullets fired out of assault rifles.

As the hippie squeals down the road in reverse using all four cylinders (possibly three if the thing has recently blown a fucking plug), the hippie makes a wrong turn and backs his poor bus off of a cliff. Jessica manages to pull him from the bus before it plummets to its pink doom and hide him in the bushes as the Evil Gun Wielding Maniacs start searching for bodies.

Meanwhile on the way to save Barbara's life, I remember one of the character's names because his name is awesome: Gravedigger! And that's not even his awesome name! His real name is Ulysses Hazard! Who needs a fucking nickname like Gravedigger when your real name is Ulysses Hazard?! Although this New 52 version of Gravedigger actually has a stupid real name so I'm getting excited for nothing. I don't know why they decided to make his name boring. DC Comics sure knows how to make the wrong decision every time.

Oh my god! This issue is called The Final Countdown! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! EXPLOSION! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun! Dun dun dun DUN! Dun dun dun dun dun DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN dun dun dun dun DUN DUN! DUNANAN NUN! Ooooo wheee ooooooh ooooooh wheeeee ooooooooooooooh! We're leaving together! But still it's farewell! And maybe we'll come back! To Earth, who can tell? I guess there is no one to blame! We're leaving ground! Will things ever be the same again?!?! It's the final countdown!

Now I'm rocking my cock off!

The plane Gravedigger and the zombie are using to fly to San Francisco belongs to the DC Universe's version of Grumpy Cat who is quite the war supporter, I guess.

Meanwhile, Mary becomes the Northern California version of Rambo. GI Zombies? She don't need no stinking zombies! Yes! Look at me saying lines like Roy Harper! Woo hoo! Does anybody want to RP me on Tumblr?!

Cynthia meets up with Gravedigger and GI Zombie on the beach where she tells them that they need to stop the bad guys or the bad guys will win. Good intel, Deb!

Carmen (somebody finally said her name so I can stop making up new names for her! Oh, and GI Zombie's name was Jared but it's easy enough to just call him GI Zombie because nobody will know who the fuck Jared is if I use his real name) and Jared storm the terrorist base, killing people willy-nilly. That's a silly way to murder terrorists! It makes it sound fun!

GI Zombie makes it to the control room where the Evil Mr. Smarty Pants is skulking. It turns out to be somebody GI Zombie once worked with! What a surprise twist that doesn't fucking matter at all! Mr. Head Terrorist tells GI Zombie that they're too late to start the Zombie Revolution. The bombs are about to go off, the West Coast is going to sink into the sea, and every American is going to become a mindless zombie. A literal one instead of a figurative one!

Gravedigger's team set off an electromagnetic pulse which disables the entire base and saves the world. Or something. But GI Zombie knows the guy in charge at the Ecuador Base as well so if anybody is so bored with their life that they think this comic book should start up again sometime in the future, the story where GI Zombie raids that base can be told.

Ha ha! They're so cute together! Maybe this comic book was really good!

I didn't really mean that last caption. This comic book was boring.

Star Spangled War Stories #8 Rating: No change. This comic book has never been what I'd call bad! It just never really interested me. Sometimes it would almost feel like it was about to tantalize me and then it wouldn't at all. And now that it's completely over, it won't let me feel happy about it because it ended with "The End, for now...". Stupid fuckers. Jerks.

Deathstroke #6

Daddy issues strike again!

I'm so glad Deathstroke's daddy finally got out of that hospice bed in Gary, Indiana to make Slade's life a living hell. Remember that issue where we learned the thing that most drives Deathstroke is his need to prove he's better than his abusive father? The cover of that issue said, "In the name of the father...". So even though Slade Wilson is an old man and successful, he's still trying to get his daddy's love. What an asshole. Give it up, Slade. If you ever find yourself chasing your father's love, it means your father never gave a shit about you and it's time to just cut ties. You should never have to fight for a parent's love. If they don't show it, they're worthless. Find a surrogate mother or father if yours is a piece of shit. Or just lose yourself in drugs! But don't embarrass yourself like Slade Wilson is doing.

I hope this issue ends with tears and hugs!

Oh no! Harley has daddy issues too?! Oh wait. Of course she does. I forgot about her ex for a second.

Deathstroke and Harley discover the torn apart body of Possum in the first double splash page of the comic book. Possum is definitely dead this time because his head is detached from his body. And there is no way it's going to start talking even though Harley has squatted down next to it and doesn't finish her sentence about not being easily creeped out. She'll finish that sentence on the next page no problem! It's not like the guy chose the name "Possum" for any particular clue as to his powers!

Dammit! How did I not see this coming?!

After laughing at Harley because she's surprised by the suddenly alive disembodied head and then telling her that his name is Possum for a reason, Slade is surprised by the other parts of Possum which attack him. He thinks, "How can he--? Even my healing factor's not this good." Well, he is named Possum for a reason, Deathstroke! Ha haha ha haaaa haaa!

Slade manages to impale Possum's head on the end of his staff which, I guess, causes Possum's other body parts to back off so that Slade doesn't kill their boss. Although is Possum's head really the boss? I think this is finally the penis's chance to take over once and for all!

Odysseus has taken Rose and Joey Wilson captive although he still doesn't remember his grandson's real name. How long before somebody informs Tony S. Daniel that Jericho's real name is Joey? Maybe draw it up in a two page spread. That should get his attention. Possibly have a fourteen year old girl yelling it?

Odysseus sucks Jericho's soul into his own face while Rose watches her brother being killed. She's so upset that she calls him by his real name! No, just kidding. She still calls him Jericho. But before Jericho can be killed, Deathstroke and Harley Quinn arrive on the scene to save him.

No, wait. It's just a diversion. Sorry, Joseph!

Guess what time it is now, folks?! Second double splash page! In that huge amount of wasted space, Deathstroke kills three of Odysseus's five best soldiers! Too bad to figure out which of his soldiers were the five best, he had all of his soldiers fight to the death. Seems a little shortsighted because now he just has two soldiers in his army of mindless thugs.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 937

Why is she so happy about it?

If Batman doesn't show up at some point, I'm going to be severely disappointed. Did he just crawl out from under the rubble of the explosion, wipe off his bat suit, shrug his shoulders and go home? Of course he didn't! He's The Jeezly Crow Batman! He's going to hunt these psychos down and bring them to justice!

I mean, he should do that. But since Tony S. Daniel is writing this, Batman probably won't act like Batman should act. Besides, he's a man! Who wants to bother with drawing more men?! Ugh! David Finch understands.

Odysseus, lying on the ground bloody and wounded and missing the opposite eye of his son, is all, "Wha-wha-what?! But you're dead!" He's confused and on the ground and weaponless so Slade shoots him in the head and ends it.

Ha ha! Just kidding! Tony S. Daniel, remember?! Slade, between panels apparently, gives Odysseus time to stand up and gather his scythes and then Slade charges him with his sword. I guess when you kill your father, you want to be fair about it.

What?! No motherfucking great fishing trips? Just standard, okay, run-of-the-mill fishing trips?! Kill that bastard!

Deathstork Deathstroke basically fought Batman to a standstill last issue. But this issue, he can't even last three poorly choreographed panels against his dad without losing a fucking eye. And the two panels above were the first two! Here's the third:

This is why I hate Narration Boxing. Even while screaming about his eye, Slade is calmly reminiscing about his past.

Slade is obviously thinking about his first blade from dad while screaming about his eye being hacked out because the final two Narration Boxes show how Slade is noticing his father's eyes glowing in the immediate situation. He's also allowing himself to think about the fight after this fight which is a big no-no in contract killing! You concentrate on the opponent in front of you! Only after he's dead do you move on to the next kill! I should know! I once saw a movie about a contract killer!

On the next page, Slade mentions how he's become attached to his new eye and doesn't want to lose it. So he was just overreacting in that last panel. I suppose he could have lost it for a few seconds but then his healing factor kicked in and regrew it.

Some other stuff is happening while Slade and Odysseus battle. Cheshire gets shot in the ass. Jericho gets kidnapped by a Mexican. And Harley Quinn collects a pile of guns from who the fuck knows where so that she can sit on them.

Odysseus doesn't recognize Slade because Slade is now young and Odysseus apparently never looked at his son when he was this age. What father doesn't recognize their own son?! That fucking bastard deserves to die! And that's what he does as Slade impales him on a piece of broken "sky craft." But then Bronze Tiger, who everybody has been ignoring because there were too many characters to deal with during the battle, stabs Slade through the heart with his tiger claws.

Deathstroke Lifetime Kill Count: 938.

Victor the Inquisitor shows up unexpectedly to make a racist statement and then Jericho shouts, "Enough!" Slade blacks out and wakes up naked in a room with Fury, the woman with the second worst mask in comic book history (just after New 52 Raven's) where he gets to Narration Box a bunch of stupid, useless Narration Boxes about agreeing to another mission and things being personal even though his father told him not to let emotion interfere with business. And then the book is over until June where it will continue to be a shitty piece of shit for as long as Tony S. Daniel writes it.

Deathstroke #6 Rating: -2 Ranking. What a bullshit conclusion. You know what my favorite part about the new, young version of Deathstroke is? It's how he has to assure everybody that he's Slade Wilson and nobody believes him anyway. I'm so happy that that's a part of my Deathstroke comic books now! I think it's time for him to just leave the mask on so he doesn't have to keep answering questions regarding his identity. So tiresome! I should also clarify Deathstroke's Kill Count! I added one for killing Odysseus even though Odysseus will eventually be back in a new body. He did take a piece of Joseph's power after all, right? Plus, where the hell was Batman?! Fucking lazy dick.