Superman #22

"Does Superman have Colony Collapse Disorder?" -- my Non-Certified Spouse

If The Queen Bee feeds off of the random thoughts of the citizens of Metropolis, did she dine on Mind Zombie Alternate Future Lana Lang who was hanging around inside Superman's mind? Perhaps the Queen Bee has taken on the personality of this Lana Lang creature so that she can affect the story instead of just residing inside Superman's skull. I don't know why I haven't been keeping a list of all the plot threads that Scott Lobdell leaves lying around on the cutting room floor. I know he still has plenty of time to bring back Mind Zombie Lana. Maybe he'll tie her in to The Twenty and H'el's trip back in time and Oracle or any of the other buried plot points I can't even remember. Since he isn't writing Red Hood and the Outlaws anymore, he'll probably forget about The Thirteen and he certainly won't be writing anything with Deathstroke going after The Outlaws.

Although here's an astonishing thing: I said that Superman #21 was the best Superman comic yet and Teen Titans #22 was the best Teen Titans book yet. Although they fucked up in enough ways that I never forgot who was writing the comics. Perhaps he's now working with an editor that is going to keep his stories on track and he'll stop starting over from month to month. DC really needs to assign some asshole to Scott Lobdell to help him remember what he wrote each month. Perhaps that's what has happened.

I probably shouldn't get ahead of myself here. It was only two comic books out of the many that Lobdell has written for The New 52. It could just be a fluke.

Oh for fuck's sake. Welcome back to Sucksville, Mr. Lobdell! May I get your bags?

Is this kind of opening to a comic book called "Lobdelling it"? You open with a rather static splash page and a bunch of Narration Boxes with the first Narration Box stating the name of the character. I'm pretty sure he added the "don't let his demeanor deceive you" because when the art came back, Hector Hammond looked more frightened than he should have. Because he can just use his mind powers to make them all eat their guns. One of the later Narration Boxes claims that Hector Hammond is a young man because God forbid a character in a comic book be an adult. Perhaps Lobdell believes he writes young people really well. He probably believes that because he never rereads his own work on Teen Titans.

On the next page, Queen Bee declares that Hector Hammond is being silly because there is no cause for hostilities between him and H.I.V.E. If that's so, Queen Bee, then why are your people cocking their guns in his face? I saw the fucking sound effects and the barrels jammed right up near his head! Are you trying to tell me that was a friendly H.I.V.E. greeting? If that's so, then I can see why you think Hector surrendering is silly. I wouldn't scream "You can have my wallet!" to a man coming up to shake my hand. Although shaking hands is a rather aggressive male behaviour and I will no longer take part in the barbaric tradition.

Scott Lobdell also decided to change the acronym for H.I.V.E.! In back to back issues! What a tortured genius this Scott Lobdell is. So last issue, H.I.V.E. stood for Holistic Integration for Viral Equality. Now it stands for Holistically Integrated Viral Equality. Okay, so it's not much of a change. But it's still pretty haphazard writing and proves Scott Lobdell writes with neither plan nor memory of past writing nor forethought nor talent.

Lobdell really doesn't fucking care what he writes from panel to panel, does he?

I imagine when Scott Lobdell is writing a script, the only thought in his head is, "How am I going to spend this fat Superman money?"

Hector Hammond destroys Queen Bee's soldiers since they were just illusions planted in Hector's mind. He then begins choking Queen Bee with the help of his puppet men who handle moving his arms and legs while Queen Bee tries to convince him that they can KAK GROK CLORF or something. I have a tough time understanding the Being Choked accent.

Meanwhile Superman is standing over the city making lists of all the impressive things he can do.

Superman: "Lift cities? Check! Well, as long as I have a gigantic plate to nestle it on so that it doesn't all fall apart like a great big crumbly cake."
Superman: "Level mountains with my bare fists? Oh yeah! One of my favorite pastimes. It's always nice to fuck up every single map on the planet in one go sometimes. Take that, you cocky fucking Earthlings."
Superman: "Withstand the rigors of space? Che-fucking-eck! Occasionally I might have a hemorrhoid burst from the vacuum but since I don't need to eat, I just keep my bowels clear until it heals. No big deal!"
Superman: "Let's see. What other awesome things can I do? Oh! Withstand the crushing cold of the ocean floor! Hmm, that's an odd way to say that, isn't it? I suppose I can survive the cold because it's less cold underwater than it is in space so why the fuck did I even mention that? But the crushing is the important thing I can survive! Except that has nothing to do with the cold or the floor since the floor isn't the thing crushing me."
Superman: "It's weird how stupid I seem, even to myself, recently. It's like one minute I've got a clear head and hearty mind and I'm fighting the Predator in 1985 era USSR and the next thing I know, I'm a fucking idiot fighting an alien with a nicely shaved upper pubis and every single super power in the book."
Superman: "Anyway, where was I in my list of awesome things I can do? Oh yeah! I can stand in the heart of the sun! Or, more accurately, float there. You know, that's an even better example of the great pressures I can survive than the crushing cold of the ocean floor. So why'd I even bring up the ocean floor? It's just a lesser example of space and the heart of the sun? I really am going mental. Perhaps Hector Hammond has implanted the mind of an idiot deep into my subconscious?!"

Superman is making this list of physical challenges so he can make this statement that has no connection to his awesome might:

Hey! Maybe the "stray thought" is a clue! Remember how you've been dealing with Hector Hammond recently? Remember that mind explosion that happened while you were on the plane last issue?! Fuck, you're an idiot, Clark.

Oh, forgive me. The next page he begins listing all of the events from past issues to pull them all together. Just like Raven did at the end of Teen Titans #22! Look at that! It's Scott Lobdell plagiarizing himself again! I think an editor took him aside and said, "You have got to pull these fucking pile of shit comic book messes together and make something coherent already, you smarmy git."

I used to think that I hated how comic books weren't using thought bubbles. But now that Clark Kent is walking along thinking Scott Lobdell thoughts, I've changed my mind. I don't want to see the stupid shit he's thinking now! Like how he's now claiming that Dr. Veritas creeps him out. Oh, really, Clark? I suppose that means Scott Lobdell is going to make her turn on you soon. Because that's one of the few plots Lobdell understands. She'll be his Raven hiding within his team. And then he states how even his X-ray vision can't help him against a psionic. What?! Fuck no! You'll have to repeat that one to me a few more times because I thought x-rays could see everything!

Did Superman just slip up and admit he's the enemy?

Clark runs into Cat and he tells her that he's working on a story. But before he can tell her the non-Superman version of how he's following the lead, he has to think to himself, "Hmmm. How do I put this without giving away my full-time gig as Superman? I can't just blurt out I was checking up on Hector Hammond's treatment after Orion and Wonder Woman dispatched his mind to his own body." I was going to paraphrase and then thought I'd better represent Lobdell's writing as is. Was that thought bubble necessary? That's pretty much the basic practice of every super hero that keeps a secret identity. I suppose Jim Shooter would approve so that new readers can understand Clark's predicament here. Plus it'll allow those new readers to catch up and realize that this guy in normal clothes and glasses is actually Superman.

Clark's story he's working on has to do with The Twenty. The Twenty are twenty people that went missing after Brainiac shrunk the city and the city was returned. Apparently people know of them as an Urban Legend and that The Twenty gained super powers. Superman thinks that the horrible character Grymm from one crappy issue of Teen Titans is one of The Twenty and being kept in S.T.A.R. Labs.

Oh yeah! Grymm was one of those loose ends that Lobdell dropped! Now I'm certain that somebody told him to tie up his fucking plot threads hanging all over the place. Tie 'em up or cut 'em off.

Meanwhile back in H.I.V.E., Hector Hammond makes a mistake.

Whoops!

I'm sure his mind will now be free to float about wherever it wants. Once it escapes from the Honeycomb Computer of H.I.V.E., of course, where he's going to be forced to work for Queen Bee. Was gigantic headed Hector Hammond just too silly for modern age comic books? Are we done believing that people from the future will have gigantic heads? Not that Hammond was from the future but he was cursed with the mind of a person from the future!

Actually it was all another illusion provided by the Queen Bee so that she could escape to the levels below and dive in her honeypot filled with the illicit thoughts of all of Metropolis. While bathing in her honey of hubris, she speaks to some "father" figure that will be returning. That's stupid! Queen Bees don't answer to anyone! But I suppose Lobdell can only create tension by bringing up the threat of a new vastly more powerful character appearing later in the story. And then, like Oracle, probably just disappearing without any contribution to the plot.

Superman decides to pay a visit to the now rich Jimmy Olsen who has decided to hire The Avengers' butler, Jarvis, and a fucking stupid maid.

That's a robe, you idiot. And it's Mister Olsen.

Apparently a top DC Editor came down on Lobdell with a note containing many exclamation points which said, "JIMMY FUCKING FUCKING OLSEN'S FUCKING PARENTS CAN'T FUCKING BE FUCKING DEAD YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Because suddenly Jimmy is changing his story to Superman and saying his parents have just gone missing and he's executor of their estate. So his plan seems to be to go through as much of their money as he possibly can before they return. And then a bunch of tubes begin destroying the city.

The tubes seem to be a network of filaments left behind by Brainiac. He also appears to have created The Twenty to his own ends. Queen Bee is one of those and she's trying to prepare Metropolis for Brainiac's return. Why is Brainiac returning? I have no fucking idea. I guess he wants to give another try to finishing his collection of tiny cities. Or maybe the Annual I'd rather not read will explain it.

Superman #22 Rating: No change. Superman was felled by Queen Bee's psionic attack and is now in her clutches. But Queen Bee left Hector Hammond to his own devices when she couldn't control him. So now he's going to go to war against her so that he can take control of her mind/tube network about Metropolis. I suppose Superman can sit this one out and just let them destroy themselves. And probably Metropolis as well but Metropolis is used to death and destruction.

Talon #10

It's like a scene from a Tootsie Pop commercial gone horribly, horribly wrong.

Last issue, Calvin Rose had just been introduced to Wolf Spider. Why this would be frightening, I don't know. Calvin Rose is an undead, self-healing, super strong physical machine who doesn't even need to utilize his powers of escaping anymore. He can simply die and resurrect and try again! Ad infinityincinitum! I suppose it's possible that if Wolf Spider is into eating human faces, Calvin Rose could be in some discomfort. How strong is the Talon Rejuvenation System? Can he regrow limbs? What if his head is detached from his body? Can he still remain conscious? I can't believe Scott Snyder introduced these guys into the DC Universe! He actually wants me to believe that for hundreds of years, a secret organization had the power to prep corpses so that, one day when the proper procedure was discovered, they could bring them back to life? I suppose it's a bit like Cryogenics (which it must be since Mister Freeze is the jerk behind the reanimation process) in that they realized that shoving electrum into people's teeth would keep them from decomposing and prime them for the futuristic resurrection process. They probably came by this information from lost Freemason journals that held secrets learned from templars coming back from the Crusades.

Sarah, Casey's daughter, is currently attending Owl School. I guess one of the perks of being a captive of the Court of Owls is free education.

I thought O was for Operative?

I bet that was the whole lesson! Or maybe he taught her every letter of the alphabet stood for Owl. That sounds like a pretty good brainwashing technique. "A is for Owl! Two plus two equals Owl! The Civil War was won by Owl. In nineteen sixty Owl, Owl put an Owl on the Owl."

In another room, The Butcher of Gotham isn't telling Casey anything she doesn't already know. That information amounts to "Calvin Rose is going to die" and "You are going to die." It's possible this obsession with death is why he's been nicknamed The Butcher of Gotham.

Back in Santa Prisca, Wolf Spider looks nothing like a Wolf Spider. Why did he choose that name? He looks more like Mecha-Satyr Boy. Or Long Arms of The Lawless. He actually looks a bit like Troy Grenzer as well. This is The New 52, so maybe Troy Grenzer from Shade the Changing Man was saved from the electric chair by Bane and has become Wolf Spider. That's almost assuredly what has happened being that I thought it up and if a thought enters my head, it must have come from somewhere else. That means either it's reality and I tapped into it with my psychic abilities or it's God communicating directly with me and revealing to me the secrets of this comic book. If only science understood better how the brain works!

Reality is two people standing side by side looking at a rainbow, one sober and the other on LSD, trying to have a conversation on the nature of reality.

Okay, maybe he doesn't look as much like Grenzer as I thought. Fucking reality shift.

Wolf Spider chose the name Wolf Spider because he was a runner and the Venom he uses enhances his ability to run. I suppose if I read about Wolf Spiders, I would learn they're the fastest creature in the universe based on proportions and inverse ratios and muscle dynamics and other phrases that sound like science. Although he really should be hairier. Perhaps, as a runner, he simply spends three hours shaving off his spider bristles every day.

Wolf Spider thinks he's finished Calvin Rose but somebody forgot to brief him on the Talon's healing ability. Which really makes for a great comic book gimmick, doesn't it?! Instead of Calvin Rose using his escaping skills which take effort and intelligence, he can just allow himself to be pummeled into the ground until his opponent becomes exhausted and overconfident. I wonder if Tynion was just exhausted with thinking up clever ways to have Rose escape from shit?

Outside the prison, Bane is marching an army of Venom enhanced criminals onto troop carriers setting sail to conquer Gotham. But first he has to fly to Alaska to be chased down by Batwoman and tell her how to defeat Batman. Then Cameron Chase can fly him back to Santa Prisca to deal with Calvin Rose. Unless he's going to wind up in Alaska after this entire plan fails because he needed a place to hide from the Court of Owls. That probably makes more sense than boarding that flight in the middle of this story.

But before Bane arrives, Casey's people show up to help out Rose. You remember her people? The cast offs and misfits from DC's various evil organizations around the globe, like the League of Assassins or NOWHERE or HIVE or the other one. They help Rose take down Wolf Spider although I'm not entirely sure, as a Talon, he needed their help.

I was wondering why I was hearing a laugh track every time Wolf Spider appeared.

Meanwhile in Gotham, Casey escapes and gets herself arrested by the Gotham Police so that she can stay out of the hands of the Court of Owls. At least for now. She still has to get back in to save her daughter.

Casey's henchmen get the message that she's escaped and she has a plan to get Sarah back. Talon is relieved to hear she's alive but just for a moment because that's when the door flies open and Bane and his goons step in saying, "Hello!"

Laughter and applause.

Talon #10 Rating: -1 Ranking. I'm just fucking bored with this comic right now. I liked the idea of the Court of Owls back when they were first introduced. But like every owl ever in the history of owls, they've overstayed their welcome! Stupid know-it-alls, operating in secret and leaving pellets of mouse skeletons all over everything. I might not even mind them so much if they didn't have an army of undead, unbeatable killing machines running about Gotham and the world. Or maybe if the Talons had some kind of mental limitation due to the resurrection process. When I thought that they could barely talk (maybe the best of them could threaten and act aggressive), I thought maybe they were okay. They were reanimated and super strong but they didn't really house the personality of the former owner of the body. They were just super strong, regenerating shells. But then Night of the Talon issues began cropping up where the Talons were going to tea and enjoying a good book and having philosophical conversations with Red Hood about having been brought back to life. And that was the straw that broke my suspension of disbelief's back. Although it is too bad that Batman punched the Electrum Tooth out of Dick Grayson because then Dick could die like Calvin Rose and be an immortal, boring, undead bastard too!

Batman: The Dark Knight #22

James Gordon might turn on his own daughter, Batgirl, but he'll never go against Batman! How dare this cover suggest as much? If I had any sensibilities, they would be offended right now. Not having sensibilities and not knowing how to be offended, I'm not even sure if the previous sentence made any kind of sense. People often think that being offended is equal to thinking critically. But it's not. Thinking critically is equal to thinking critically. Telling somebody that you are offended is a bit of a power play; it paints the offender as a bully and the offended as a victim. I feel like stating you're offended is superfluous. I'd rather just hear the reasons why, stated rationally and succinctly. Then instead of feeling put on the defensive by an accusation, I can respond in the proper manner. Sometimes that response will be "Fuck you!" and sometimes that response will be "Oh, pardon me, I didn't realize that my dick was out."

Sometimes I wish that I could begin a serious thought and not have it devolve into silliness. But I do so because I'm afraid that if I actually say something serious, somebody might disagree with me and point out, rationally and logically, that what I just said was an utter load of bullshit. Then I would be called on to defend myself and my ideas! But if I say something serious and then follow it up with pure slapstick, my response can simply be, "I was joking!" And then I can wipe the sweat from my brow and write in my diary, "August 3rd, 2013. Whew. That was a close one."

Speaking of diaries, my friends Doom Bunny and Upright have a great Monkey's Paw style story about reading someone's diary! Since they've told it to me, I think it's fair that I can pass it on because it's a great Cautionary Tale. In high school, Upright was dating this girl that I will call Rosy Akelson. She was beginning to get a bit distant and Upright thought that maybe he could find out why by reading her diary. He knew how to get into her bedroom through the window, so he and Doom Bunny went by one day to break in and read the diary. Now Doom Bunny was good friends with Rosy and he had a huge crush on her. So he was hoping to read some juicy details on how she felt about him, seeing as how they hung out quite a bit when Upright wasn't around. So they climbed into her bedroom and took out the diary. In it, Rosy described how she was feeling less and less for Upright and how she had a huge crush on a guy named Curtis. Page after page was just more about Curtis and less about Upright. His great high school true love relationship was on the rocks and getting rockier! The diary had done nothing but make his feelings worse. And it was no better for Doom Bunny, for there was nary a mention of his name throughout the whole diary. They put the diary away and left, dejected and broken. It was probably only because of their friendship with me that they could continue on with any semblance of a happy life.

That was a Monkey Paw story not because there was a monkey paw anywhere in it but because it was a be careful what you wish for kind of a thing! If Upright or Doom Bunny read this, they'll probably tell me I got the entire story wrong. But the moral is the important part, not the particulars! And what is the moral? "If you're a soccer coach for young kids, don't wrestle with them."

Hold on a second. James Gordon has something he wants to say.

Gordon is having a Synchronicity II moment. He knows that something somewhere has to break. And now Clayface has reared his ugly head. Or somebody else's ugly head. Apparently the last time Batman captured Clayface in Wayne Towers, it didn't take. But then when does anybody remain in Arkham? That place doesn't have a revolving door; it's got ejector cells.

Gordon has arrived at a jewelry store robbery gone wrong. Police showed up in the middle of the heist and the robbers took the store's security guard hostage. Jim negotiates a trade with Clayface's gang; they release the guard and Jim heads in. Once inside, he pulls the guns taped to his back and begins killing crooks. Damn. Somebody get the Commissioner inside Arkham before he regains his sanity! I don't mean put him in Arkham because he's crazy. I mean put him in Arkham because he's willing to kill the fucking crazies!

But then old sour sop wanders in from the shadows, as per usual.

Okay, which one is Clayface?

Turns out Gordon is Clayface. Of course! You didn't think Jim Gordon would really have had the nerve to go into a dangerous situation before talking it over with Batman, did you? So naive! After Batman dodges the bullet, he punches Gordon in the face causing clay and bats to fly across the room. Don't ask me why Clayface is full of bats! It's probably a metaphor for something that I'm too stupid to figure out.

Clayface manages to slip down a drain in the floor without completely clogging it up. He's acting a bit more like The Sandman than Clayface. I think in the amount of time it would take Clayface to jam himself into the drain, Batman could have kicked him in the face at least thirteen dozen times. But this is a comic book and you just can't get believable depictions of clay men slipping into three inch drainage holes. Once Clayface disappears through the floor, Batman does his disappearing act as well and begins to wonder who Clayface is now disguised as. It's like the crappiest shell game in Gotham.

I wonder if Batman breaks up shell games and Three Card Monte hucksters? I bet he just plays them and wins every time, forcing them to move to Metropolis where they just get their asses handed to them by Clark Kent.

The real Commissioner Gordon is the one creating all of the Narration Boxes seen at the beginning but overlaid on Commissioner Clayface. Gordon is tied to a chair and chained to the floor in a broken down community theater. While realizing that at no point does one ever give up in Gotham, he discovers a flood light and a bunch of bats. Isn't that lucky! Now all he has to do is grab a bat with his teeth, slap it onto the flood light, chew through the chain at his feet, roll across the floor and down the stairs to the basement, find the power fuses, flip the switch with his tongue, wake up hours later after recovering from being electrocuted, hop up the steps while still tied to the chair, plug in the flood light, and cry as the bat signal shines mockingly against the ceiling above.

While Gordon works on his plan, Batman and Alfred have a minor therapy session.

I don't know what he's paying you, Pennyworth, but it isn't enough.

Gordon's Papier Mâché bat is pretty terrible but once he slaps it on the floodlight and turns it on, it does the trick. Batman follows the signal to its source like a good domesticated bat and rescues Gordon. But Gordon is such a dedicated cop, he wants to stick around and investigate Clayface's hideout even with the danger of Clayface returning. Does this guy ever take any time off? They find a bunch of old posters for Basil Karlo's Master of Disguise Act and some wigs and fake mustaches. So that's how Clayface does it! It's just special effects and movie makeup! What a genius.

Batman and Gordon leave with Old Woman Clayface watching from outside with her bag of jewels. Clayface has escaped for now! And I have nothing at all witty to say about it. Especially since the woman at the end might not actually be Clayface and I wouldn't want to insult her by pointing out she looks like a zombie that the cat drug in and spat up a hairball on.

Batman: The Dark Knight #22 Rating: No change. This was a pretty decent one shot about Gordon and his resourcefulness and inner strength and shitty Papier Mâché bat making skills. At the end when Batman rescues Gordon, he smashes the Bat Signal first thing and tells him he doesn't want Clayface to know they're there. But in reality, he's just smashing it so people all over Gotham don't get stupid ideas about making their own bat signals and driving him nutty. I could have used a synonym for nutty there that would have been more apt but what do you think this is? A Flash comic book? Batman is no place for punning.

The Flash #22

When The New 52 began, I, Vampire had some of the best covers. Now I think The Flash covers are some of the best.

I might be too distracted to comment on comic books until I reread Batman Incorporated because a good percentage of my mind seems to be working on the case for Talia as one of the more fleshed out villains so far in The New 52. She does come across as a psycho ex throwing her lover's shit out in the yard but I think there's a lot more complexity of motive than that running through the series. At the very least, she really isn't any more fleshed out than a lot of the villains so far in The New 52. And this is where I can tie these vague Batman Incorporated thoughts back to this comic book. I think The Flash is one of the top ten comics of The New 52 when it comes to villains and motives. I may not have liked Mob Rule but he was fleshed out nicely and wasn't just a villain that wanted to prove himself against The Flash. Gorilla Grodd had a good reason for attacking Centralstone City that was threaded nicely into the then currently running storyline. Reverse Flash's motives are tied directly into the past stories in that he's stealing the Speed Force Powers from the civilians that visited the Speed Force with The Flash. And his identity is probably that of Doctor Darwin Elias. But best of all, The Flash stories are evolving organically from one to the next like a well written drama opposed to something episodic like an eighties sitcom.

Currently The Flash has taken on the mantle of The Scarlet Speedster Detective. He's searching for clues as to the identity of the person killing his Speed Force Pals. He should have allowed them to become members of a team called The Speed Force Pals instead of lecturing them on the dangers and irresponsibility of using their super powers for good. Then maybe he would have been around to save them when they most needed his help. But now that only he and Iris West are left, I have a feeling he's going to be sticking pretty close to her. Patty might have a problem with that but she knew one of the dangers of dating a super hero was constantly hearing the excuse, "I was only saving her!"

This issue may have the most clever title page of all of Manapul and Buccellato's clever title pages. Except now these buildings are canon! Skylines of Keystone City had better look like this every time! I do have to wonder why they put "the" in quotation marks though!

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is puttering around in his lab in his robe and slippers planning the super evolution of the human race brought about by the destruction of The Flash. His plan is probably more complex than that but he's a super genius and I'm just a guy in his underwear reading comic books, so I have to boil this shit down to crazy easy levels of understanding. "Elias take Speed Force from Flash. Use Speed Force save world."

This skyline spells out "Fill It BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA."

The Flash visits with Iris West and asks her to wear an outfit he designed for her. Right from the beginning, he might be edging out of territory where "I was only saving her!" will be an acceptable answer to Patty's questions. He then takes her on a trip to the Utah Salt Flats. If his next step is to make her a mix tape, Patty's going to walk straight out the door.

I'm not trying to suggest that a trip to Utah is romantic! But at least it's a trip. The last time I drove through Salt Lake City, I saw a billboard with a fireman and a construction worker and a cop and an astronaut on it. The copy said, "Real men don't use porn." It's odd that they would think that message fit with typical male stripper costumes. Except maybe the astronaut. That act might be a bit too long.

Audience: "Wooo hooo!"
Obese DJ: "Take your hands out of your laps and put them together for a man who often goes where no man has gone before, for a man whose five year journey has taken him to planets full of alien pudenda, to a man who won't quit until you've reached your final frontier, for the man who puts the "rocket" in "your vagina"...Spaaaaaaaacemaaaaaaaan Stiff!"
Audience: "Wooooooooo!"
Spaceman Stiff: *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STOMP STOMP STOMP* *SEEMS TO BE GYRATING OR SHAKING OR SHIVERING OR SOMETHING* *STRUGGLES WITH HIS HELMET*
Audience: "Take it off! Take it all off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *POPS A LATCH ON SIDE OF HELMET* *STRUGGLES WITH OTHER LATCH* *TRIES TO SHAKE OFF HEAVY GLOVES* *BREATHING HEAVY* *STRUGGLES WITH HELMET SOME MORE*
Audience: "Come on! Take it off! Take fucking something off!"
Spaceman Stiff: *BENDS DOWN TO REMOVE A BOOT* *FALLS OVER* *HEAVY BREATHING* *PASSES OUT*
Audience: "Oh for fuck's sake! Bring out the Native American!"

Out on the Salt Flats, The Flash finds a piece of an exploded monorail. The only important monorail in The New 52 is the one that The Rogues tried to steal about ten issues ago. You remember? When Doctor Elias was claiming he had invented a new energy source that could run the monorail for years and years? The one where the cast of Lost were, for some unknown reason, hanging out in the audience? Yeah! That monorail! That one is probably this one that The Flash just found exploded! The Flash thinks so as well and he takes it his girlfriend to have her examine it since she's with CSI: Salt Flats.

Oh fuck. He's in trouble already. I don't blame Patty for being somewhat uncomfortable. Look at that ass on Iris!

Patty drops some acid, turns on some Led Zeppelin and puts the scrap metal under a black light only to discover it is covered in semen. She tells The Flash, "Far out!" And he says, "Groovy." Then Iris says, "Cock a doodle doo." The walls begin to melt and everybody's speech begins to sound distorted. Then The Flash starts giggling uncontrollably and Iris says, "Shhh! Shhh! Shhh!"

What really happens is Patty begins using technical jargon like "analysis" and "Bunsen burner" and "DNA" which causes me to zone out and begin fantasizing. And then I decided to type what really happened even though I don't usually do that. Which has to make you think, all y'all who read these commentaries to simply find out what is happening in each comic every month, what else have I been lying about? Do you really know what took place in Batman #14? I know for sure that if you only read my commentary on Blackhawks #8, you'll be sore disappointed to find out it was nothing like what I wrote. I know! Shocking!

And then The Flash takes his newly found semen information to go compare it to Doctor Elias's semen. Because it's either his or some random homeless person that was hanging out on the monorail when it was stolen by The Rogues.

Patty doesn't have time for your speed puns, you fucking whore.

Meanwhile Doctor Elias is still in his lab. He's internally monologuing some really nutty and typical super villain things. He should really be putting this stuff on Twitter instead of wasting it in his own headspace.

Reverse Flash @doceli: "If I could turn back time, I wouldn't change a thing."
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Get it? Because I literally can turn back time! And I'm not changing it!"
Reverse Flash @doceli: "Mwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

And then Doctor Elias gets his face smashed into his computer banks by himself. I mean, by Reverse Flash. Which probably means that he is not The Reverse Flash. But if you've been reading all of my entries about Tim Drake being Harvest, then you know I'm not quite ready to give up on my theory!

Not quite solid enough proof yet!

The Flash turns up just in time to keep Reverse Flash from reverse killing Doctor Elias. Wait. Is that right? I'm confused. All I'm sure about is that Reverse Flash reversing time is a lot like Time Travel which was supposed to be impossible after Flashpoint but which became a rule that nobody really gave a shit about, especially Tott Dedell (for newbies, that's Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco. I'm pretty certain they're the same person). The Flash had better put a stop to Reverse Flash quickly or else The New 52 is going to get New 52'd.

The Flash and Reverse Flash begin a vigorous bout of fisticuffs because what else are you going to do when two guys with speed powers fight? It's just going to be like two drunk douchebags outside of a bar! Except Reverse Flash does seem to have some kind of Porcupine Power where he shoots off quills from his body which puts him at a distinct advantage.

I'm pretty sure you could replace Barry Allen with a sexy lamp and this comic would still make sense.

The Flash #22 Rating: No change. Sorry, The Flash, but I'm instituting some changes to my rating system during your commentary! I really liked this issue but I've been going too easy on comics lately! From now on, a comic book has to do something that I think is extraordinary to receive a +1 Ranking! Mostly because I don't actually give much of a fuck about the reviewing part of the commentary. This shit isn't about my reviews! It's about my reactions as I read the comic books! It's also about glimpses into my super secret sexy lifestyle. By not raising ranks as often, I also have less to update on the home page! Woo hoo! By all accounts though, this is one of my favorite comics of The New 52 and I can easily recommend it more highly. I'm just being lazy so I'm only recommending it about this much. Just imagine my hands apart at whatever length you think is less than they should be.

All Star Western #22

"Hey Jerry? Didja know yer great grandfather had a crush on me?"

I don't have any context for this thought that I had while in the half-asleep dreamworld of near waking but I wanted to describe it somewhere, so here it goes. While playing a male character in a video game, I was thinking why I would be motivated to save a male character in that video game besides maybe receiving secret oral sex and a fist bump. Then I thought, "Do you call a blow job between two heterosexual males a 'bro job'?" And then I thought, "I bet bro jobs happen all the time in Fraternities!" And then I was fully awake and left thinking, "What the fuck was that?" I'm not ashamed of my subconscious's stray thoughts! Besides, this was probably one of the most tame ones. I really do wish I could remember the context from which those thoughts developed though.

I actually can't stand when people take an already existing word and then add "man" or "bro" to it. Like "manscaping" and "bromance" and "bromanicure". If I were a super hero, this site would be my nemesis. Or should I say nemebro, amirite?! That site actually does define "bro job" but it's not as sexy as my definition.

How about we leave all this stupid bullshit behind and read some super serious shit about a confederate soldier bounty hunter with a half-melted face that time traveled into the future and was locked away in a sanitarium? Does Arkham have a ward specifically for people that believe they're from another time? I wonder if Jonah's cellmate will be that guy from Twelve Monkeys?

Upon first meeting Jonah Hex, Jeremiah basically threatens his life.

When I read a scene like this in a comic book, I know that the writers care about the world and the characters within that world. They've thought through more than just "Jonah Hex is a bad ass with some guns" and have entered Jonah's world to tell his tale. Jonah smokes so they have Jonah's reaction to a modern cigarette. Perhaps I'm putting too much importance on this moment. Maybe I should just stick to making fart jokes.

Needfull to say, Jonah Hex flips the fuck out and begins punching people. Maybe I was too quick to say Gray and Palmiotti really had a good handle on this character! Who wouldn't? He shoots things and he smokes and he flips the fuck out at the drop of a hat! You don't have to be fucking Melville to figure out this guy's motivations!

Jeremiah manages to call in the riot squad to hold Hex down so that he can show him the Surgeon General's Warning on the side of the package.

Oh! I forgot that he also likes to drink! I guess you don't have to be Melville to write Jonah Hex but you have to be better at characterizations than me! Which is technically a paradox since I'm better than Herman Melville at all aspects of characterization except obsession, homosexuality, whale murder, and scrivening.

Hex and Arkham have a bit of a chat as Hex continues to spew time traveling nonsense. But you'd have to be insane to think time travel were real! Aliens from other planets? Sure, no problem. Urban legends and mythological creatures tearing up Gotham? Happens occasionally. Crazy fuckers with super powers? Got a shitload right here under the roof. But time travel? Crazy talk!

One tasty tidbit of insane rambling catches Jeremiah's attention. Hex mentions he owned a thirty percent stake in Alan Wayne's casino. Jeremiah decides to investigate this claim because it means he gets to meet with Bruce Wayne which means he might be able to drop a few hints about how expensive it is to run Arkham and how out of date the security is and how sometimes really nice and rich people donate high tech prison equipment to needy institutions that are filled to the brim with murdering psychopaths and you never know when something might fail, flooding the streets with killers and clowns.

Painting the Bat Symbol on the ceiling of your office seems like a stupid idea, Mr. Wayne.

Bruce Wayne is willing to investigate Jonah Hex's claims of time travel since Batman himself traveled through time after killing Darkseid. No, wait. That didn't happen. But Alfred alludes to Batman's traveling through time when he says, "He wouldn't be the first person to crawl his way up through time." And it's already been established that Batman went missing for a year while Dick took over the role of Batman with Damian as Robin. So how did Batman travel through time? Maybe the same way Jonah Hex did! Bruce got a bit overly familiar with Booster Gold and whammo! He's in the Paleozoic Era!

The next day, Jeremiah Arkham gets a bit too bold and allows Jonah Hex to walk the grounds of the Asylum with him and some musclebound orderlies. It doesn't go so well.

Maybe Jonah will make his way to the Batcave for a place to hideaway since he and Arkham discovered it many, many years ago.

Jonah and Jeremiah eventually find themselves in a convertible trying to get out of the city while Batman has begun hunting them. As they head for the bridge out of town, Jonah convinces Jeremiah that he's the real deal with a bit of information that only the Arkhams would know. But it's a bit too late to figure out what to do with the information as they run into a batch of The Dark Knight Returns mutant gangbangers. The cops take cover while Jonah grabs a gun from a downed officer and marches straight into the fray. Which is where the story ends for now. And there's no back-up this month! And no Booster Gold either!

All Star Western #22 Rating: No change. I enjoyed the time Jonah spent with Jeremiah even though it hasn't been quite as entertaining as his buddy picture romp with Amadeus. Also I'm really fucking tired. I'm going to bed now.

Batman Incorporated #13

Is this cover a reminder of Otto Netz and his Ouroboros and his infinite recursion dementia trap? Or is it just supposed to be kind of cute?

Let me guess! Grant Morrison is going to kill Batman now!

I'm reading my comic books all out of order because I received this message from presumptuous:

Im feeling really empty. I want to feel better. I think you can assist. Im sorry to put an obligation on you. Its your fault for making me laugh. Something so deranged to fix an answer I don’t understand. Can you help by reviewing Batman Inc 13?

Thanks Eee!
-presumptuous

Also because this filthy mouthed cook wrote some thoughts on Batman Incorporated #13 that I would like to read before I forget she wrote them but can't read them until I read the comic book.

Also because I have a Tumblr account and somebody is going to spoil something on accident sooner than later. I still have six comic books to read from last week, so sorry all of you Scott Lobdell Superman fans but you'll have to wait for my gentle, calm, beautiful reaction to that one a little bit longer.

Here's a quick recap on what has come before: Talia pissed off Batman and now she's in big fucking trouble. Okay! Let's go!

Holy fuck! This comic book finally caught up to where it started!

What is Bruce Wayne being arrested for? Did he murder Talia? Abuse and murder of his son, Damian? Killing all the Men-bat that fell to their deaths when Batman gave them the Man-bat Antidote, not to mention all of the property damage from their carcasses crashing down on cars and businesses and passersby? Or is this just some kind of ruse?

At the beginning of this scene, Bruce was telling Alfred that Batman Incorporated and Batman and all of that madness was finally over. Why end it now? Is it because of Damian's death? Was he just playing the final part so he could put Talia in the ground? What would finally cause Bruce to give up Batman? Is Grant Morrison going to have him kill? And not by accident or from afar, but personally and with his bare hands around Talia's neck?

Or is this all some sort of ruse to fuck with Mayor Hady and his anti-Batman laws? I'm assuming that Grant Morrison is going to change Batman in some significant way by the end of this comic. I hope he reveals his secret identity to Gordon. In all the time that Batman's been around, has Gordon ever known his identity? Not having followed Batman very closely over the years (because I'm such a huge Aquaman fan and have always loved Aquaman more than everybody else ever but most especially more than the people who began loving Aquaman when he got his blue wave suit and also more than the people who began loving him when he got his beard and hook and also more than the people who began loving him during the Reboot too!), I really don't know the answer to that.

It seems Gordon brought him in to find out why Gotham is being torn apart since the center of the conflict seemed to be Wayne Towers.

I am surprised that he tells him the truth! Come on, Gordon! You can piece together his secret now!

And then the comic goes from continuing the scene that began the entire series to continuing the scene that ended last issue. Kind of like a snake eating its own tail, wouldn't you say?

Talia approaches Batman with sword drawn. His symbol, the metaphor that is his life, is the final thing she must destroy before proving herself to her father. Sure, she doesn't say it's about her father! But what stripper world conqueror ever does? Napoleon. Hitler. Alexander the Great. Zarkov the Traginificent. Read any of their histories (you'll have to wait until 2033 to read about Zarkov) and then throw the history book in the garbage, grab a notepad, write "Daddy Issues" on it, and you'll understand why they all did what they did! Now Talia and Batman are going to go at it one final time.

Not like that! Goddammit! Alfred, get the fucking bat-hose!

So after fighting The Bat-Thing that killed Damian, Batman was still in pretty good physical condition. But after making out with Talia, he winds up with a swollen face and 28 stitches in his head? Damn. That girl can fuck.

While Batman and Talia "Button, Button, Whose Got the Eight Inch Penis", Gotham is burning to the ground and children are rioting in the streets. Although the chaos does provide me with one of my favorite Jim Gordon moments of all time.

Who hasn't hoped, at one time in their life, that total chaos would erupt, allowing you to choke the shit out of some little noseminer? Just me? Fucking liars.

After the kissy-kissy fails to poison Batman because he's too smart to fall for that femme fatale cliché, Talia and Bruce are ready to cross swords. Although speaking of Batman being too smart, he doesn't always go into situations prepared for poisons! How many times has he been drugged by The Scarecrow or The Mad Hatter or The White Rabbit in The New 52 alone? So I can see why Talia would give the poison lipstick a shot. I wonder if she's also wearing her female condom with the Box Jellyfish inside?

Talia's final challenge to Batman? Kill her and save his city.

At this point on the credits page halfway into the issue, I can't guess if Morrison will have Batman kill Talia or not. It seems too easy. Not that the choice to kill somebody would be easy for Batman. But for Morrison to use that as the legacy he leaves to the character seems like a cheat. So I'm really hoping he doesn't do it. Maybe he'll do it in honor of his son. "This is the way Damian would have done it! Here's to you kid!" STAB! KILL! CRY! The only other option I can see is Batman refusing and Talia beating him over and over and over, warning him he's going to die if he can't find the backbone to murder her. And then KAPOW! Alfred blows her head off with his shotgun. Now that would be a fine ending! And traditional! Because, you know, the butler always does it.

Back to the police interrogation room where Bruce is letting it all out.

I can't read this comic book any slower and it's still going by too fast!

When I was looking up how Ma and Pa Kent died in the Silver Age, I wound up reading a forum where people were discussing Grant Morrison's work on Action Comics. I was flabbergasted (I may have been born in the 19th Century) by how many comic book readers hated Grant Morrison's writing. Of course I judged them all. What were they lacking that they couldn't see when a real, honest-to-goodness, capital "W" Writer was expressing his glands craft? How did they not see how beautifully he was braiding together all the multiple threads of his Action Comics storyline? Why were they so dull-witted, slack-jawed, and inbred? I understand that not every story he tells works for every fan. But that is a far different thing than comparing his Action Comics run to Scott Lobdell's Superman run. That's like comparing apples to decomposing organic matter. I wanted to type "apples to dogshit" but I think I've called Scott Lobdell's writing "dogshit" enough times this month.

Back in the Batcave, Batman winds up poisoned by Talia's blade because she's a cheating jerk. While the poison is consuming him, Jason Todd returns with the Ouroboros bomb to trade to Talia for Batman's life. Batman, of course, would rather die than see Talia win. Of course, so would Jason Todd! I mean, Jason Todd would rather not see Talia win, not Jason Todd would rather see Batman die! Although he might! Just not now and not in this story. The Ouroboros Bomb has been disarmed. And Batman has guzzled his antidote. And Talia is pissed.

And then Talia is dead.

That's not Alfred's dainty, well-manicured hand. It's Kathy Kane, headmistress of Spyral and not only Preboot Batwoman but Pre-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earth's Batwoman! She's fucking old school! I'm not one to really wonder how exactly she fits into the Reboot and all since the Batman Incorporated story has always existed in a fuzzy amalgamation of Preboot and Reboot history. The continuity error I'm really concerned with is Jason Todd and his loss of memory when Damian was still alive but he still has his normal memory while completing this story arc! Once again, the continuity fuck up is thanks to Scott Lobdell and his inability to give a shit! And also probably having lazy editors.

Jason Todd rides off and Kathy Kane disappears to run Spyral in a future New 52 series. And Batman is left all alone.

Mostly.

It must be easy choosing not to kill when somebody is always around to do the killing for you! Haven't you ever seen Of Mice and Men, Batman? You're supposed to shoot your own dog!

With the Bat Cave scene over, it's time to finish up Bruce and Jim's chat. Bruce Wayne tells Gordon that Batman has died. But Jim doesn't believe it for a second. And then Bruce is free to go because what do they really have on him anyway? A crazy ex-girlfriend threw his city in the yard and poured bleach all over it? Can't arrest the boyfriend for that!

When Bruce returns home, Alfred takes him out to the family plot where he finds Talia's body and Damian's body have both been dug up and stolen by grave robbers. It could be because somebody plans on resurrecting them. But it also could have been Alfred who moved the bodies so that Bruce wouldn't retire Batman! I suppose it also could have been Titus digging up the yard. I highly doubt it was some Batman arch-nemesis that has control over a pool that can bring people back to life. That would just be silly.

This Jim Gordon Narration Box was really nice.

There is an epilogue with Ra's al Ghul using Lord Deathman's blood to replace his Lazarus Pits. I suppose there's just enough of that fuzzy gray area between Preboot and Reboot history to explain why Lord Deathman isn't currently drifting through space in a tiny little metal box. And then Ra's al Ghul enters his backroom where he has many, many jars growing many, many Damians. I knew Batman could get a new Damian! I suggested a half-guinea pig or half-gerbil hybrid Damian as opposed to that stupid half-whale one, Bat-Thing. I wonder how many Fanboys are going to begin blasting Grant Morrison, once again, for stealing plot ideas from Spiderman! "Fuckin' clone wars now, hunh? Fuck you, Grant Morrison! Why'd you have to make Batman into Spiderman? So stupid! I can tell you're a hack writer because I was able to make a vague, wispy, barely there connection to a Marvel comic book! Plagiarist!"

Batman Inc #13 Rating: +1 Ranking! Woo hoo! Congratulations, Batman Incorporated! You are the first comic book to overtake Snyder's Batman at position #1! Too bad it's only for a microsecond since I'll be moving this comic book down to the retired section now! I'm a fan of writing and Morrison wrote this book right into the top slot of The New 52. Some people are fans of comic book characters or art or continuity; I think those people wouldn't even consider this comic in the top 25. My bias is always to the writing. Always. This book (and the previous Preboot version) was a lot of fun (except for the killing Damian part. That was not fun) and a great comic book experience.

The best part about this comic book ending is that it existed in a nebulous place in The New 52. For strict continuity lovers, it kind of mucks up the works. And I've seen a lot of people hate Chris Burnham's style. I love it but then I love artists that can actually produce art and have actually developed their own unique style. I'm reminded of the scene in Issue #1 when Batman and Robin are chasing the Goat Guy through the meat packing plant and the perspective is skewed as if looking through a fisheye lens. It's absolutely brilliantly done and shows what tight control Burnham has on his visuals. The look of this book has kick and personality. I prefer it far more than pages produced by artists like Jim Lee and David Finch.

Teen Titans #22

I'm a pacifist and I want to blacken the eyes of whoever designed The New 52 Raven's costume. The only good thing about it here is that it's distracting me from Wonder Girl's derpy eyes.

In Issue #20, Trigon attacked New York. But then he had a sudden attack of Demon Diarrhea and had to head back to Azathoth Azarath. So he sent his sons in to take over for him until he could crap and shower and return to the battle at the end of Issue #21. So now Trigon is attacking New York for real this time! I hope he doesn't kill any more soldiers or else the whole world is going to hate the Teen Titans!

This issue begins with Beast Boy lying about what previously happened.

Don't believe him! It was totally the diarrhea thing I mentioned!

I don't believe a young monkey would know anything about the A-team. I think he would have been more likely to compare the Teen Titans to The Wonder Pets. I wonder if Red Robin is going to be reborn yet or if the Teen Titans will be wanted? If those things never happen, should I just cut the covers off of the previous issues and throw them away? I also have doubts that Scott Lobdell is ever going to explain what the fuck was going on with Red Robin when he was banging everybody on the team. Was that a Raven thing? I suppose that will be explained when Solstice tells Kid Flash that she's not interested because Red Robin stuck his cigar in her ashtray.

Tony Bedard doesn't have a writing credit on this thing, so who's writing Beast Boy? He's finally acting like the Beast Boy I like and he actually made me smile with his "Pattern 666" suggestion to Red Robin. Can't be Scott Lobdell writing him. Although he did shove in that A-team reference and that is very much like Lobdell (and Liefeld!) to pepper dialogue with old pop culture references. You know, the ones that mean something to him but really shouldn't mean much to a bunch of kids barely born into the last century.

The beginning of the battle is mostly big splash pages and battle poses. But then Superboy begins taking it to Raven.

No it doesn't! Stop trying to be smart and use logic, you moronic infant. I've seen you answering questions in school and you're not the least chromosomally damaged clone in the lab. You just got lucky that your telekinesis worked on Raven's hell-magic soul-self.

While one of Raven's other soul-selves battles Kid Flash, she tricks him into giving away a bit of his future-past that we all know Scott Lobdell hasn't given any more thought to than this one throw away line:

I take it I'm supposed to be intrigued by this now. "Oooh! How many sheep did he fuck to save his parents?!"

All of the action takes place in big, over-the-top panels as Raven psychoanalyzes one member of the Teen Titans after another. And Beast Boy is simply finally acting like Beast Boy! I'm so happy he's being a silly, whimsical little shit. Although I'm not happy that I have to thank Scott Lobdell for bringing him back to his roots.

Red Robin shoves his Inertrite Wings into Trigon's face which I really wish would have killed him. Instead it just causes him to philosophize about safety and freedom and lessons parents teach their kids. Ugh. Shut up, you stupid demon! Why do you have to make everybody miserable before you kill them?

For yet another unknown reason, Trigon departs. It's not like the wings through his face were the cause since he speaks exactly 100 words after being wounded. He just speechifies and speechifies and then decides he'd rather spit on Red Robin's grave after Red Robin dies of natural causes than kill Red Robin this day. The rest of the Teen Titans recover and Raven is finally safe. Raven makes a big fuss about what could go wrong if any part of Trigon's power is still within one of the Titans but Red Robin convinces her everybody is okay. But Trigon mentioned he attacked Red Robin first, so I suspect when Red Robin was acting weird a few issues ago and sexing up the other Titans, he was being manipulated by Trigon. Which means some of Trigon's darkness is probably still within him! I bet it grows and grows and grows until it overpowers Tim Drake and he becomes Harvest!

So then the woman that I thought was Amanda Waller last issue because why the fuck would the artist draw a completely new character that looks like Amanda Waller and is bossing around a bunch of people and is trying to manipulate the Teen Titans? Why would I ever have even considered that this was a new character?! She claims to be from a pan-dimensional sci-fi club that owes Tim Drake a favor. But she says she'd better never meet him again or it will be the end of Omnithing! She must know him from the Tim Drake turning into Harvest timeline that will probably never happen. She may even be Tim Drake's daughter from the future since those are the only kind of plots that Scott Lobdell can come up with. Plots that develop organically? Too fucking hard! Plots that deal with prophecy and time travel? Easy peasy!

And then Raven joins the team! Hopefully somebody will take her shopping for a new look. If the comic had ended with this moment, it would have been pretty good. But Scott Lobdell just can't help himself. He can't help looking at the book and thinking, "Everybody is getting along great and I didn't put too many comic book cliches in it! So I guess I'm not finished!"

Then Scott Lobdell uses the end of the Trigon story to make sense of all of the previous nonsense going on in the book.

And even though they were just controlled by Trigon, and Raven points out that Trigon was controlling Tim, everybody gets pissed at him. Lobdell, you are a fucking hack.

Because Scott Lobdell couldn't leave the group to be nice and happy and drama free and working as a team for more than one single fucking panel, he blows his narrative apart with this stupid bullshit. I'm supposed to believe that they're all going to be angry at Red Robin for being possessed by Trigon? Right after they've experienced the same thing? And they couldn't break the spell but Tim did? Fuck them all if I'm supposed to believe they're this petty and shallow.

And I never for once bought Kid Flash's "love" for Solstice since it's composed of about two panels in 23 comic books, so his being angry doesn't sit well at all. And even if I do buy into their relationship, he should be angry at Solstice! She wasn't possessed when she fucked Tim! I suppose Kid Flash is just mad at himself for having missed his opportunity with Solstice by moving too slow. +1 Speed Force Point!

But wait! This anger and resentment and teen angst drama bullshit isn't all you get! You also get the biggest fucking cliche in comic books: Raven is actually still working with her father and it was all about getting her to infiltrate the Teen Titans! All that is yours for just $2.99!

Oh, well maybe I spoke too soon about the Kid Flash and Solstice thing.

I still don't buy into their love!

And then Bar Tor is pulled into the future to pay for his crime of Sheep Lovin'.

Teen Titans #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. I didn't want to give it any rise in the rankings after the way it ended but it's making a lot more fucking sense than Lobdell's Superman, so it might as well be higher in the rankings than that piece of Krypto shit. I would have actually thought this was a pretty decent issue if it had ended with Raven joining the team. Lobdell didn't even need to explicitly spell out that Trigon was possessing Red Robin earlier. After Trigon's line of attacking Tim first, it made sense. But then he piled on all the other bullshit as being because of Trigon, like the attack on Belle Reve. It still doesn't make any fucking sense! Raven says Trigon did it to make an enemy of Amanda Waller. But that isn't what happened at all! They actually struck up some sort of secret deal! But even then, maybe the issue would have ended okay. But no! All the idiot teenagers had to hate on Tim for things he did while possessed. Bunch of whiny brats. And I guess since the toilet was already overflowing, Lobdell decided to pull the handle a few more times and really get that shit pouring over the rim by making Raven a mole for Trigon. I guess Lobdell just can't help but completely Lobdell himself. Why can't he have a team that's happy to work together? Fuck all the contrived drama. You know what also works with a super hero team? When they have fun together and like each other! What a disappointment.