Trigon #1

Being a 3D cover, it just looks like Trigon is trying to grab my boobies. (After reading it, I now understand why this cover looked like that to me!)

Trigger Warning (Man! I never do these except as horse jokes! Leave it to Marv Wolfman to write something so rapey!) This comic book is filled with rape (a lot of it) and my commentary, as usual, is very flippant and I don't denounce it every time it's mentioned. I assure you that I think it is a bad, bad thing though. See that? If that was too flippant for your tastes, just skip this shit. You can get the same information on Trigon here since it's virtually the same origin but without the, you know, other stuff.

Unclassified Comic Book Reader King Beauregard (Unclassified in that he hasn't taken the Eee! Tess Ate Chai Tea Master Comic Book Reading Title Verification Course to gain his title. Partially because the course costs five thousand dollars. Partially because the course doesn't actually exist. Mostly because why would I want to share the title "Master Comic Book Reader" with somebody who's probably read more comics than me? What am I? Stupid?) left this comment on the Trigon Who's Who entry I put up:

The other day when I was bitching about Marv Wolfman's influence on DC ... ? This is the sort of thing I'm talking about. Wolfman decided they needed yet another Darkseid ripoff, except this one would dress like a male stripper and his entire backstory is about freaky fucking.

I think Marv Wolfman should be celebrated for introducing a character whose backstory is freaky fucking and dresses like a male stripper! But I could do without the overpowering Darkseid aspect of his character. Especially since he was created to battle the Teen Titans, a team that has never had a roster that was really very overpowering. When one member of the team has all the tits power, it doesn't make for a very compelling battle against a super powerful mystic demon that rules lots and lots of dimensions. Sure, Cyborg could blast his white noise like a champ while Beast Boy Changeling goofed off telling jokes and transforming into either really unhelpful animals or a Tyrannosaurus Rex and Nightwing would tell Starfire how to most effectively channel her angry starbolts of anger (most of her anger caused by Nightwing telling her what to fucking do). But when Trigon forced his way into the Titan's dimension, it just seemed like a good time to pick up the phone and hit the speed dial for the JLA Watchtower.

Although even the Justice League generally avoids this magic ass satanic shit. And why would John Constantine want to help out a bunch of American teenagers? What could they possibly have that he would want? Oh, maybe a shit ton of ecstasy!

I don't know for sure if this issue is written by Scott Lobdell or not (I'm fairly certain it is!), but the first page will tell me soon enough! If it's a full splash page of Trigon with a Narration Box that says, "His name is Trigon," then I'll know! Although the first box might also say something stupid like, "His name is unpronounceable but he is known in many dimensions as Trigon."

Hey! Look at that! Not Scott Lobdell!

I decided to flip a few pages ahead to see who the writer was and it turns out to be Marv Wolfman! I thought he's been busy the last ten years trying to get the Elfquest animated movie made? So now is this issue just going to be a retelling of the Trigon Who's Who entry from 1986?

And that's just how the issue begins with a trio of pacifist aliens forcing their agenda on planets across the universe. They're cosmic janitors cleaning up the evil on every planet they observe, Hoovering it up into their great big disgusting Heart of Darkness. It's just such a concentration of evil that was born into the Preboot Trigon making him the most evil monster in creation. And now these aliens have brought a creature that resembles Trigon (but without horns) to their homeworld to drain it of its villainy. And since Trigon is born from "freaky fucking," I have a feeling this creature and the female alien of the trio are going to make a baby underneath the influence of the Heart of Darkness. Maybe all the aliens will join in which is why the offspring's name will be Trigon.

Instead of any awesome fucking happening, the creature manages to flip the switch on the Heart of Darkness from "suck" to "blow."

Of course! It was his plan all along! Everything is always some villain's plan! You can't make a choice without falling into the trap of doing what some villain wanted you to do!

Trigon kills the trio of aliens who may have been angels but were somehow his parents (because he wasn't really born until feeding on the evil they collected. Duh!). But then Trigon finds that he's trapped and so he does what any evil all-powerful male being that can't escape his divine prison does: he summons a female alien and rapes her.

It may have been a freaky fucking demon-worshiping ritual, but at least Preboot Trigon's conception was consensual.

The runespeak, by the way, simply says, "Alien Cursing Symbols". Because that really conveys the horrors that this female is suffering at the hands of Trigon. Couldn't they at least throw in a Runespeak exclamation point?

The original origin of Trigon's origin continues as he, like previously, precedes to kill everybody as he's born. He then goes on to rape entire universes trying to sire a child that will make him proud. For some reason. I don't know why he's so concerned with an heir when he's probably immortal. He does manage to have three boys but he hates them all. As do I. They've been some of the most annoying characters in the DC Universe so far. Especially since none of them knew the rules to Poker. They're as dumb as Hugo Strange's son, Eli.

Eventually Trigon finds a woman that he cannot rape because she wears The Silent Armor. Needless to say, Trigon and Alan Moore are a bit upset that the raping has to end so suddenly.

But he'll be back to try again later! Or at least he'll get a rematch when Cassie is wearing the armor.

Once Trigon is almost killed, he decides to cut his rape tour of the universe short and instead puts out a call to all bounty hunters to bring his victims to him for a reward. I'm pretty sure Marv Wolfman wanted to have the vilest villain in Villains Month and he must have taken Marc Millar's words to heart (which I'll reprint here for the very, very few who haven't seen them):

“The ultimate [act] that would be the taboo, to show how bad some villain is, was to have somebody being raped, you know? I don’t really think it matters. It’s the same as, like, a decapitation. It’s just a horrible act to show that somebody’s a bad guy.” -- Marc Millar

Which makes Trigon the baddest bad guy in Rapeville (Rapeville being the alternate name of "Mainstream Comics Villa"). But Marv Wolfman goes even further! Not only does he have Trigon impregnate females through rape, Wolfman makes sure we all know that these women mostly killed themselves from either the trauma or to avoid having Trigon's child. And then after years and years and years, galaxy after galaxy after universe after dimension, a woman finally agrees to have sex with him.

But mostly just because she's afraid of him. So it might not actually count. By the way, is that Lobo bringing her to Trigon?

And the person telling this tale is Arella, Raven's mother. She's pleading with whomever she is telling the story to that they need to defeat Trigon because he's coming back to destroy the world. So maybe she's asking the Crime Syndicate to stop him. Who knows?!

Trigon #1 Rating: Well, it gets the point across that Trigon is evil, I guess. It feels like Wolfman threw out all of Lobdell's weird Trigon history to revert Trigon back to exactly his old origin plus a heaping helping of nearly infinite instances of rape. Is it weird that I finally prefer a Scott Lobdell version of things? This issue was pretty fucking ridiculous.

Trigon! (as seen in Teen Titans)

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: None
Occupation: Dimensional Ruler and Conqueror
Marital Status: Married [Do demons from other dimensions really get married?]
Known Relatives: Arella (Wife), Raven (Daughter)
Group Affiliation: None
Base of Operations: Another dimensional plane
First Appearance: THE NEW TEEN TITANS #4 (First Series)
Height: Variable Weight: Variable
Eyes: Red Hair: Red

HISTORY
Over 900[0] years ago, a large group of cultists, guided by a woman named Azar, renounced their violent ways and left the Earth. They established a new, pacifist community called Azareth in another dimension. Unfortunately, the forces used to purge their former evil natures didn't die [Does that sentence make sense? Put me down as a "no" vote.]. Instead, they merged, rew, and flowed through the multitude of dimensions outside Azareth's Great Door [Oh! Like sewage backing up a toilet and flooding the lower level of a house!].

Meanwhile, in yet another dimension, the last inhabitants of a dying world succeeded in mating one of their mystic sect's women with their god during a demon-worshipping function [Not a ritual but a function? With petit fours and cucumber sandwiches?]. This ritual [Oh, NOW it's a ritual!] inadvertently called on the evil, dimensional-flowing forces and nine months later they were reborn again as the woman's demon-child Trigon [Can you really call it "inadvertent" when a woman becomes pregnant with an evil demon baby at a demon-worshiping function where people are trying to fuck gods? It just seems like a bad idea all around.].

At birth Trigon slew all around him [What did I just say?], including his mother [I assumed he started with his mother.]. He destroyed his homeworld at the age of six [Lobo was such a fucking slacker.], and by the time he was thirty, ruled his entire dimension and its millions of inhabited worlds [Well fuck. Now I feel like a fucking slacker.]. But Trigon would never be satisfied until he ruled all dimensions [I'd never be satisfied until I found something other to wear than that stupid loincloth and cape.].

Trigon later appeared in disguise to a woman named Arella and sired a child with her named Raven (see Raven). Raven was raised in Azareth and, wearing he rings of Azar herself, rebelled against her heritage and refused to rule at her father's side. At the age of 18, Raven fled Azareth and helped recreate the Teen Titans (see Teen Titans) to eventually combat Trigon.

Trigon spent decades trying to pierce the dimensional barriers between his universe and Earth's but was held in check by a group of Azarethian sorcerors. Trigon eventually succeeded in crossing over, and in an effort to save the Earth, Raven agreed to rule at his side if he would return forevermore to his home dimension. But when Raven arrived, she realized Trigon would not keep his word. Aided by Arella, the Titans fought back and together they defeated Trigon by forcing him into a Nether-verse [What exactly makes something a "Nether-verse"? Is it a universe that can only be entered through a creature's anus? Oh! A black hole!]. Sacrificing herself, Arella agreed to eternally guard the dimensional doorway so Trigon could never escape his prison.

With time, however, Raven began to change and succumb to her father's corrupt half which composed her black soul-self. Still desiring to have his only child rule at his side, Trigon siphoned off the life-forces of the billion souls in his dimension to obtain the power necessary to once again invade Earth's dimension. Angered by the constant interference, Trigon also had his forces completely destroy Azareth. Then together, Raven and Trigon ravaged the Earth until the Teen Titans, guided by Lilith (see Lilith), were able to kill the soulless body of the consumed Raven. In vengeance, Trigon swore to destroy the Earth and began to summon all the siphoned souls of the world to power his return home. However, the spirit of Azar and all of Azareth's souls still lived within the rings Raven wore. Utilizing the bodily ties that existed between Trigon and Raven, Azar funneled all of Azareth's ultimate light into Trigon, the ultimate dark being, and destroyed him and his dark soul, seemingly forever.

POWERS & WEAPONS
As a manifestation of pure evil, Trigon possesses demoniacal mystic powers of immeasurable ability [Although not so immeasurable that he couldn't be stopped by a sassy teenager and a violent alien and a green boy and a half-machine man and an imaginary girl.]. He has drained the souls of millions of worlds [And since souls don't exist, this means nothing.] and reshaped them to whatever particular purpose suits his needs.

Teen Titans #22

I'm a pacifist and I want to blacken the eyes of whoever designed The New 52 Raven's costume. The only good thing about it here is that it's distracting me from Wonder Girl's derpy eyes.

In Issue #20, Trigon attacked New York. But then he had a sudden attack of Demon Diarrhea and had to head back to Azathoth Azarath. So he sent his sons in to take over for him until he could crap and shower and return to the battle at the end of Issue #21. So now Trigon is attacking New York for real this time! I hope he doesn't kill any more soldiers or else the whole world is going to hate the Teen Titans!

This issue begins with Beast Boy lying about what previously happened.

Don't believe him! It was totally the diarrhea thing I mentioned!

I don't believe a young monkey would know anything about the A-team. I think he would have been more likely to compare the Teen Titans to The Wonder Pets. I wonder if Red Robin is going to be reborn yet or if the Teen Titans will be wanted? If those things never happen, should I just cut the covers off of the previous issues and throw them away? I also have doubts that Scott Lobdell is ever going to explain what the fuck was going on with Red Robin when he was banging everybody on the team. Was that a Raven thing? I suppose that will be explained when Solstice tells Kid Flash that she's not interested because Red Robin stuck his cigar in her ashtray.

Tony Bedard doesn't have a writing credit on this thing, so who's writing Beast Boy? He's finally acting like the Beast Boy I like and he actually made me smile with his "Pattern 666" suggestion to Red Robin. Can't be Scott Lobdell writing him. Although he did shove in that A-team reference and that is very much like Lobdell (and Liefeld!) to pepper dialogue with old pop culture references. You know, the ones that mean something to him but really shouldn't mean much to a bunch of kids barely born into the last century.

The beginning of the battle is mostly big splash pages and battle poses. But then Superboy begins taking it to Raven.

No it doesn't! Stop trying to be smart and use logic, you moronic infant. I've seen you answering questions in school and you're not the least chromosomally damaged clone in the lab. You just got lucky that your telekinesis worked on Raven's hell-magic soul-self.

While one of Raven's other soul-selves battles Kid Flash, she tricks him into giving away a bit of his future-past that we all know Scott Lobdell hasn't given any more thought to than this one throw away line:

I take it I'm supposed to be intrigued by this now. "Oooh! How many sheep did he fuck to save his parents?!"

All of the action takes place in big, over-the-top panels as Raven psychoanalyzes one member of the Teen Titans after another. And Beast Boy is simply finally acting like Beast Boy! I'm so happy he's being a silly, whimsical little shit. Although I'm not happy that I have to thank Scott Lobdell for bringing him back to his roots.

Red Robin shoves his Inertrite Wings into Trigon's face which I really wish would have killed him. Instead it just causes him to philosophize about safety and freedom and lessons parents teach their kids. Ugh. Shut up, you stupid demon! Why do you have to make everybody miserable before you kill them?

For yet another unknown reason, Trigon departs. It's not like the wings through his face were the cause since he speaks exactly 100 words after being wounded. He just speechifies and speechifies and then decides he'd rather spit on Red Robin's grave after Red Robin dies of natural causes than kill Red Robin this day. The rest of the Teen Titans recover and Raven is finally safe. Raven makes a big fuss about what could go wrong if any part of Trigon's power is still within one of the Titans but Red Robin convinces her everybody is okay. But Trigon mentioned he attacked Red Robin first, so I suspect when Red Robin was acting weird a few issues ago and sexing up the other Titans, he was being manipulated by Trigon. Which means some of Trigon's darkness is probably still within him! I bet it grows and grows and grows until it overpowers Tim Drake and he becomes Harvest!

So then the woman that I thought was Amanda Waller last issue because why the fuck would the artist draw a completely new character that looks like Amanda Waller and is bossing around a bunch of people and is trying to manipulate the Teen Titans? Why would I ever have even considered that this was a new character?! She claims to be from a pan-dimensional sci-fi club that owes Tim Drake a favor. But she says she'd better never meet him again or it will be the end of Omnithing! She must know him from the Tim Drake turning into Harvest timeline that will probably never happen. She may even be Tim Drake's daughter from the future since those are the only kind of plots that Scott Lobdell can come up with. Plots that develop organically? Too fucking hard! Plots that deal with prophecy and time travel? Easy peasy!

And then Raven joins the team! Hopefully somebody will take her shopping for a new look. If the comic had ended with this moment, it would have been pretty good. But Scott Lobdell just can't help himself. He can't help looking at the book and thinking, "Everybody is getting along great and I didn't put too many comic book cliches in it! So I guess I'm not finished!"

Then Scott Lobdell uses the end of the Trigon story to make sense of all of the previous nonsense going on in the book.

And even though they were just controlled by Trigon, and Raven points out that Trigon was controlling Tim, everybody gets pissed at him. Lobdell, you are a fucking hack.

Because Scott Lobdell couldn't leave the group to be nice and happy and drama free and working as a team for more than one single fucking panel, he blows his narrative apart with this stupid bullshit. I'm supposed to believe that they're all going to be angry at Red Robin for being possessed by Trigon? Right after they've experienced the same thing? And they couldn't break the spell but Tim did? Fuck them all if I'm supposed to believe they're this petty and shallow.

And I never for once bought Kid Flash's "love" for Solstice since it's composed of about two panels in 23 comic books, so his being angry doesn't sit well at all. And even if I do buy into their relationship, he should be angry at Solstice! She wasn't possessed when she fucked Tim! I suppose Kid Flash is just mad at himself for having missed his opportunity with Solstice by moving too slow. +1 Speed Force Point!

But wait! This anger and resentment and teen angst drama bullshit isn't all you get! You also get the biggest fucking cliche in comic books: Raven is actually still working with her father and it was all about getting her to infiltrate the Teen Titans! All that is yours for just $2.99!

Oh, well maybe I spoke too soon about the Kid Flash and Solstice thing.

I still don't buy into their love!

And then Bar Tor is pulled into the future to pay for his crime of Sheep Lovin'.

Teen Titans #22 Rating: +1 Ranking. I didn't want to give it any rise in the rankings after the way it ended but it's making a lot more fucking sense than Lobdell's Superman, so it might as well be higher in the rankings than that piece of Krypto shit. I would have actually thought this was a pretty decent issue if it had ended with Raven joining the team. Lobdell didn't even need to explicitly spell out that Trigon was possessing Red Robin earlier. After Trigon's line of attacking Tim first, it made sense. But then he piled on all the other bullshit as being because of Trigon, like the attack on Belle Reve. It still doesn't make any fucking sense! Raven says Trigon did it to make an enemy of Amanda Waller. But that isn't what happened at all! They actually struck up some sort of secret deal! But even then, maybe the issue would have ended okay. But no! All the idiot teenagers had to hate on Tim for things he did while possessed. Bunch of whiny brats. And I guess since the toilet was already overflowing, Lobdell decided to pull the handle a few more times and really get that shit pouring over the rim by making Raven a mole for Trigon. I guess Lobdell just can't help but completely Lobdell himself. Why can't he have a team that's happy to work together? Fuck all the contrived drama. You know what also works with a super hero team? When they have fun together and like each other! What a disappointment.

Teen Titans #20

This is it! The origin of Harvest!

Last issue ended with the stupidest fucking bullshit coming from out of Red Robin's face. Hundreds of military men and women had just been wiped out by Death Speaker, Trigon's little boy toy. Red Robin stood amidst the carnage, looked around, and said, "Nobody better fucking blame us." And being the whip smartest Robin that ever lived, he instantly realizes that Trigon's plan was not to take over the world or to kill hundreds of humans, or to just create chaos and misery in the streets of New York. No, no. Trigon's plan was to make people think, "You know what? I don't really like those Teen Titans."

This issue doesn't begin any fucking better. First off, Psimon is not unconscious any more. I guess "mere moments" is enough time for him to bounce back up and defend himself against Red Robin's accusation that he killed two dozen soldiers. Or Scott Lobdell just assumes nobody is going to remember where last month's comic book left off, so why not just begin this one however he wants. You would think the editors would nip that shit in the bud though since they should be thinking about how fucking stupid this is going to look in the Trade. Page twenty: Psimon obviously unconscious amidst Beast Boy's tentacles. Page twenty-one: Psimon standing up and yelling he's not the bad guy.

It's true! They were going to just arrest everybody involved in the skirmish because fuck trying to stop the demon ravaging New York City! Let's arrest the easier to catch people that are actually fighting the threat.

The only way it would be acceptable for the military to come in and try to arrest The Teen Titans instead of fighting with them against Trigon is if only the Teen Titans can see Trigon. I have a feeling that might be the case and if it isn't, I'm just going to believe it anyway.

Also, this jerks name is Psimon. Get it? Psimon says, "Drop dead!" So none of these guards should actually be dead because he didn't say, "Psimon says, 'Drop dead!'"

Okay, so Psimon's great defense is that the soldiers were going to arrest everyone so they should be thanking him for killing them. But he isn't the only reason on the first page why this issue went horribly awry from page one. Solstice's reaction isn't any better.

First rule of Do Not Get Sued Club is "Never Apologize"! Stop acting like this was your fault! You were there to stop the giant demon. You didn't force the giant demon's Psimon doll to murder everyone. Now the general populace is definitely going to blame you.

Trigon has disappeared from the scene. I guess because his plan to make the Teen Titans lose popularity worked. Kid Flash beats Psimon back into unconsciousness. But then Superboy stops him from going too far and killing Psimon outright because Psimon threatened the girl that Kid Flash once made out with unexpectedly loves!

I have no idea why Kid Flash thinks, "At least...someone thinks so!" Did I miss something? Was Kid Flash traumatized by ARGUS going after him in Vibe? So now he thinks everybody thinks he's an evil murderer? Or is this just another bit of random dialogue that Lobdell thinks helps build the character. "You know what? Kid Flash has been chirpy and optimistic through the entire run! But if I make him think this one out of character thing, it'll show he's full of self-doubt and low self-esteem!"

The scene shifts to the Five Under Realms where Trigon is now watching Raven shoot the shit with the Teen Titans. The Five Under Realms? Why do the editors at DC allow Scott Lobdell to create places in the DC Universe?! Is it too much work for Lobdell to actually learn about the DC Universe and use an existing hell dimension? Like, you know, Hell?

I need to stop being distracted by the little things! My main concern now is why the fuck is Trigon back in Hell the Five Under Realms? He claims he needs Raven to take over the Earth Seventh Kingdom. But what was that attack he made on New York City? Was that the best he could do and then he was forced out of the Seventh Kingdom because Raven didn't get the Crystal Moon Scepter so she could open the Glittering Portal to the Interim Way Station where the Crystal Moon Scepter could be used to pick the locks of the Gordian Magna Chains sealing the Omnidoor to the Five Under Realms?

Okay, okay! I'll shut up so I can hear your story! I want to know all about why Trigon wants to rule the Seventh Kingdom and how he existed before there was time and how he's probably going to be the most powerful godlike creature since Oracle in Superman!

Trigon begins his story: "Once upon a time before there was time when there was no such thing as time. In those days which weren't days because I just said there was no time, I sat upon the throne of twelve kingdoms that had yet to invent fire because you can't have fire or light without time. I also may not have sat since "sat" implies an act that began with standing and ended with sitting and then spanned a certain amount of time in the seated position. But since there was no time, I suppose I just sort of sat and not sat at the same time or something. Anyway, eventually time was created so that my story could make sense."

"Everywhere I looked (this is still me, Trigon!), souls bowed and groveled before me! I don't know where they came from because it was too dark to see anything and then suddenly time and then boom there they were! But I tell you what: it was really boring. The best part about life before time was invented is that nobody was ever bored. And then time was invented and suddenly you have to deal with these interminably long minutes before something new happens! Ugh. I could do without it. So I killed people and terrorized people and ruled the world and...yawn...boring. Seen it all."

"And then I discovered sex! Holy shit! Suddenly time was worth it! Well, only the time spent achieving orgasm. The rest of the time was just as dreary. But sex led to babies and my babies were always male and that was boring for some reason or another that I haven't yet explained. Maybe it was because it was all the same. I needed something new! Something different! What I needed..."

"I don't know why my daughter has such a long penis."

"Not owning anything pink to drape over my daughter (Hey! I'm evil! Of course I believe in stereotypical and narrowly defined gender roles!), I gave her to her mother to raise. I was also kind of hoping she would learn love because love is the most important thing in all the world according to Hollywood and Hallmark and dreary, cliche, lonely people. But instead of homeschooling Raven, her mother took her to Azarath, land of the hippie beatniks and their lentil casseroles and hippy dippy bead curtains. Fuck I hate that place."

"Schoolhouse Rocky! A chip off the block of your favorite schoolhouse, Schoolhouse Rock!"

"And then The Phatuous Stranger brought my daughter back to me! My daughter and I killed more of my subjects because what the fuck else is there to do in the Five Under Realms! What happened to the other two since I did mention that I wanted Raven to recreate the Seven Under Realms in her image? I don't know. Maybe they seceded. Anyway, Raven wanted friends so she decided to become friends with the Teen Titans. But she believes they will only be her friends if she manipulates and controls them. Oh, she will learn that the truth is far worse! They will willingly die at her hands because they love her so much! Wait, is that bad? I'm confused. There's death in that statement so that's actually good. But the death is due to loving so much so that's bad. Anyway, she'll make enemies of friends that would have been friends without being forced but will become enemies when they learn they were forced to be friends. But in the end, they'll all reconcile and Raven will learn a lesson and the credits will roll. Now go, sons of Trigon, and do that thing you're supposed to do!"

And that's how the fifteen page scene in the Five Under Realms explains the origin of Raven!

Back on Earth, Raven tries to make friends and Cassie tries to beat the crap out of Raven and Raven flips the fuck out and everybody calms down and then the Sons of Trigon appear to bring Raven home.

Teen Titans #20 Rating: -1 Ranking. Whatever. Just another issue of a comic book that Scott Lobdell can't be bothered to connect from month to month. Why did Trigon attack and then go back home? I don't know. Why did he bring Raven along even though he knew she was planning on staying with the Titans? A test, I guess? Why does Trigon want Raven back now that she failed? Because she's his! Duh! Why was Red Robin Reborn on the cover? Probably because Lobdell doesn't know where his story will go from month to month, so why should the cover artists have any idea? I'm supposed to go to work now but I don't think I have the energy for it! I'm going to go drown myself in the bathtub now. See you later!

Teen Titans #19

Of course Beast Boy would team up with Raven. I guess Terra already betrayed him to go off with Deathstroke in Team 7?

Last issue was a steaming pile of maggots decaying under a hot desert sun, so it's best if we just forget about it and concentrate on the good things in life. One of those good things is not having had to read Teen Titans for a full month. But that bliss is now at an end. It's time to see what Trigon and Raven have in store, once more, for the Teen Titans.

The issue begins with Wonder Girl asking a very reasonable question in an extremely unreasonable way.

This is what happens when you raise kids on timed threats and microwaves.

Tim Drake is a greater genius than me so I won't question why he gives Cassie ten seconds before trying to get her death grip off of his throat. I'm pretty sure she's strong enough to crush his neck into sloppy goo in a fraction of a second, so time is of the essence in removing her hand. Meanwhile Kid Flash ineffectively runs around Cassie groping her and hoping she'll be too distracted to kill Red Robin. At least I assume he's merely groping her because anybody with super speed should be able to do more than simply tickle her and tell her to stop it.

As they try to sort things out rationally on the second page, I notice two confusing bits. First off, Solstice and her wacky thought bubble.

Me especially what? What the fuck are you thinking about?

And the credits:

Does this mean Jerry Siegel's family can pull the plug on DC's use of Superboy? Because if so, I've got some fucking letters to write!

Red Robin simply snaps at them and tells them that they'll do what he says without question or they'll get the fuck out of his Yacht Mansion Headquarters! Superboy says, "I only have the mind of an eight month old but that was fucked up, right?" But nobody has time to agree because suddenly Trigon is destroying New York.

Wonder Girl comes upon him trying to make friends with the "Drop Dead" kid. She punches him in the jaw and Trigon marvels about how he felt the punch as he flies across the street and into a bus. I wonder why more characters with near-invulnerability don't die more often in one shot. They get so used to never being hurt that by the time somebody comes along that can hurt them, they don't even bother to defend themselves. And then, dead! Too bad Wonder Girl didn't take Trigon's head off in one punch. That would have been a pretty sweet comic moment. And then the team could have gone home and kicked Red Robin's ass for being such a complete prick. But that kind of story in a comic book would be cutting edge and risky. And I think I remember Scott Lobdell's name on the cover of this thing, so I suspect the fight will continue for a number of pages with really shitty snarky dialogue.

Cassie is Lennox's daughter?

If Cassie is the daughter of Lennox then that means she's actually Wonder Woman's niece. But it also means that she doesn't need the stupid silent armor for her powers. She's a demi-demigod. I think this falls under the category of too many origins. But since I like this origin better than that piece of shit story about Diesel and the Silent Armor, I'll accept this one easily enough! Usually this kind of rethinking of a character's origin doesn't happen so quickly after the original origin's revelation. And usually it's a different writer coming in with a different take on the character. But here Scott Lobdell must have been unsatisfied with how the story revealed itself to him the first time so he decided to toss the dice and try again. Lucky for him, he hit his point this time.

Next Superboy begins punching Trigon in the face while Bunker trips him up with his psychic bricks. Wow, that's pretty odd! The Titans are actually working together instead of taking turns! Trigon spouts the usual "This has ceased to be amusing" mantra of the extremely overpowered finding they're not as invulnerable as they expected to be. And Superboy attacks with a "Get ready ugly! Here comes the boom!" I would have preferred he spoke a comma in there but it's hardly the horror of a Ravageresque speech bubble. Kid Flash saves Superboy before he's incinerated by Trigon's Hellfire Eyebeams. So the team seems to be having a successful go at one of the most powerful enemies to grace the pages of DC's Reboot so far.

How could Madre de Dios help? Put him on a time out? Weep blood? Flaunt her freedom from Original Sin?

Hopefully telling Red Robin that Trigon is an "elder god" is enough intel for Tim to formulate a plan. I'm sure it would be for Batman but I'm just not confident enough in Red Robin's abilities to believe he'll come up with something with so little information. Harvest would have planned Trigon's downfall before Trigon even appeared! I can't wait until Tim Drake is bitten by a vampire and lives for one thousand years and then returns from the future to save humanity and make sure that Tim Drake is bitten by a vampire. If DC's writers can constantly ignore everything they've written from month to month then I don't have to believe that the final word has been said about Harvest's origin. Especially since, like Cassie, he's been revealed to be two different people in two different stories by two different writers. So I'm just hoping for the third (and correct!) writer to come along and reveal Harvest is Tim Drake.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles, Gar Logan is waking up in the rubble of Non-Doom Patrol Headquarters with an editorial note to see Ravagers #12. Excuse me for a second while I reference a book from the future. Oh shit. I forgot my time machine so I guess I'll just have to trust that Deathstroke really did this. I do like that the Doom Patrol has yet to exist in the Reboot but they've already had one headquarters destroyed! Ain't that just like them?

Raven is there to greet Gar as he wakes. She takes over his mind and teleports them to New York to battle at Trigon's side. Poor Beast Boy just keeps getting used by these women. When Beast Boy and Raven arrive, Beast Boy turns into a mass of tentacles. I guess when he's being controlled by a demoness who knows all the monsters of hell, Beast Boy's powers can be used to replicate creatures of the damned as well as gerbils and tortoises.

And then the army arrives and begins by shooting Solstice and some of Beast Boy's tentacles. Then they warn everybody to stop fighting or they'll use deadly force. Or more deadly force! And the non-aggressors had better hope the aggressors stop fighting or else the army is just going to kill innocents and trouble-makers alike! But nobody worry! Psimon the new kid's got this!

Meanwhile, Red Robin is simply standing around saying, "Interesting."

Because the comic book only has one page left, Beast Boy's shapeshifting power somehow cancels out Psimon's drop dead power and they both fall unconscious. Because that explains that! Perhaps Gar shapeshifted into something immortal so Psimon's power overloaded as it tried to make an immortal creature drop dead and both Gar and Psimon were knocked unconscious from the backlash of energy. Or perhaps Scott Lobdell just sucks at writing and he needed the big confrontation to end with a lot of dead soldiers so he could create this contrived and bullshit situation seen on the last page:

Yes. Because I'd blame the bunch of kids in spandex for the destruction of the city and the lost lives before I blamed the fifty story tall, six-eyed horned demon riding the three-headed horse with the fiery breath. Obviously.

Teen Titans #19 Rating: -1 Ranking. I think I hate the X-men. I blame the X-men for this constant and bullshit recurring theme of making the normal human populace distrust and hate super heroes. Why the fuck do we as comic book readers love super heroes and admire their pluck and courage and excitedly follow their exploits as they constantly save the world but the fictional people in the world of the super heroes constantly turn against them and hate them even when obviously just saved from catastrophe by them? I especially hate the end of this comic book where that's the first thing Red Robin thinks when he sees all of these dead people. "This is all about us! His plan was to discredit us all along!" Fuck you, you narcissistic asshole! "All these people are dead but we fucking look bad! What a horrible demon to do that to us!"

I'm beginning to take this bullshit personally, Scott Lobdell! That's your plan, isn't it?! To make me lose my mind! You're writing shittier and shittier comic books each month and DC is selling them to thousands of innocent people who are traumatized and driven to the edge of madness by your books. And it's all to destroy me and my reputation, isn't it?! The more I rant about your awful books, the more I tend toward personal attacks like saying you have a stupid face and calling your asshole a home for wayward gerbils! And every time I make a personal attack that has no basis in how awful your writing is, people will think of me as a monster! I see your plan, you evil fucking genius! And guess what? It won't work! I will destroy you and send you back to whatever hell dimension spawned your hideous form!