Green Lantern #16

Would the inclusion of B'dg make this cover too silly? If you're going to seriously include a space squirrel in your drama, at least allow him on the cover in serious moments.

The very first text box in Green Lantern #16 says, "This takes place before Green Lantern Corps #16." You know what would have been helpful seeing as how both Green Lantern Corps #16 and Green Lantern #16 came out the same week? If Green Lantern Corps had begun with a box saying it took place after Green Lantern #16! At least Green Lantern Corps #16 didn't rely too heavily on plot points that the reader couldn't extrapolate for himself after the events of Green Lantern #15. But this is still an example of the DC Editors fucking up. Very slightly. But still! A fuck up!

What a sassy space squirrel.

For an organization that's millions of years old (unless it's just thousands), you'd think they'd be prepared for recruitment better than they are. B'dg acts like this is the first time a Green Lantern has received a ring without proper training. The way the ring recruits, you would suspect this to be the norm. It's not like the battery goes flying about with the ring on the trip to find a new bearer. How many recruits are killed without realizing the ring can run out of power and decide to take a short flight through space when the power gives out? There are some severe safety issues with this item. And the Guardians are way too pompous to care. Bastards.

Somebody finally believes that Simon Baz is innocent of the terrorism charge and it's a good thing it's an FBI agent. Agent Fed makes a call in to Waller to let her now not to worry about the new Green Lantern while Simon and B'dg head off to find Simon's Battery. And maybe look for Hal Jordan a little bit.

I thought the Green Lanterns stopped shoving their batteries into pocket dimensions? And if they can do that with the ring, why can't they teleport like the Indigo Lanterns? Accessing a single spot in a pocket dimension from anywhere in space seems like just a minor step away from using the ring to teleport?

Because Simon Baz is smart enough to realize this whole Green Lantern Corps has a fuckload of flaws in its system, he decides to carry a gun as well. Because if you really want to feel safe, nothing better than wearing a gun on your hip! Although to truly feel safe, you don't want any guns on anybody else's hips especially if they have brown skin and Arabic tattoos or look like they belong in NWA. I'm pretty sure most hypocrites in the NRA wouldn't feel bad about a law that banned minorities from owning guns. Because whether it's being said or not, you know there is a lot of racial motivation in play for a lot of pro-gun people. Now me? I'm just glad that fucking squirrel isn't packing.

With B'dg's help, Simon Baz finally extricates the two messages from the ring. They don't actually give him any pointers on becoming a Green Lantern. I wonder if there is a third message that usually plays, kind of like one of those old educational films that were often ludicrous and offensive by today's standards. The message from Hal Jordan tells Baz (and B'dg) that the Guardians are fucking cuckoo but Hal thinks he knows how to help them. He also mentions that he and Sinestro were sucked into The Black Hand's ring. Oh? Is that where they went? I had no idea! And then he finishes up with some nonsense about how much he loves Carol Ferris. No, no you don't, Hal Jordan. You just love the idea of having a normal love affair while being allowed to gallivant across the galaxy punching aliens in the face (unless their genitals look like their faces and then Hal punches them in the genitals).

And then Simon taps into Sinestro's message.

Yeah, I don't think Arkillo will be much help anymore. He and his new best friend Saint Walker are doing just fine without Sinestro.

I like Sinestro's plan better than Hal Jordan's plan. I was really hoping that this crossover would obliterate the Guardians of the Universe once and for all. I suppose the core group of Guardians will be defeated or changed by Indigo Power Rings and the normal Guardian Duties will be taken up by the Bohemian group of Guardians that were guarding the first Green Lantern. The other thing I really like about the mix of messages is how Simon Baz is the one guy on Earth most like both Hal and Sinestro. So he has a good mix of their qualities. Hopefully he has all of their bad qualities! Then he'd be an arrogant idiot that demands order at any cost.

Except create F-18 missiles. You have to use it to steal those.

After telling Simon that the ring can do anything he wills it to, B'dg has to quickly backtrack and eat his words after Simon tries to use it to cure his comatose brother-in-law. "Oh, um, yeah. Did I forget to mention it doesn't work to heal things? Kind of need a Blue Lantern for that. Whoops!" But Simon believes with all of his might like no other Green Lantern has ever believed before! Because he's got the best qualities of Hal Jordan and Sinestro. He has the power to truly get the most out of the ring like Sinestro. And he doesn't listen to or believe the rules laid out before him like Hal Jordan. He has the imagination and the ability and could, quite possibly, be the strongest Green Lantern yet.

I like this second panel quite a bit. Earlier, Simon interrupted Sira before she could call B'dg a squirrel and said, "He's a Green Lantern." It's a nice moment to see a group of people that are probably constantly being judged by their race living in Dearborn show respect to a flying space squirrel by acknowledging what he is instead of what he looks like. This is in contrast to Agent Fed calling B'dg a squirrel and a chipmunk. And, um, in contrast to me as well. Fuck you for trying to make me feel guilty, Geoff Johns! It didn't work! I don't know how to feel guilty!

While in the hospital, B'dg catches a news report of Guy Gardner in police custody. What would the world of comic books do without the ever present news program feeding them information? They head off to save Guy Gardner before looking for Hal Jordan.

While I was typing that last paragraph, I'd set the comic book down with it open to the last page which I hadn't read yet. And as I glanced over, I saw the dark hooded figure from last issue that was confronting Hal and Sinestro in the Dead Zone (or inside the Black Ring, apparently). His hood is now off and I just thought, "Tomar-Re?"

I had no idea he was dead.

Green Lantern #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. This whole issue was nicely paced and served well to help establish Simon Baz as the next big deal Green Lantern. I already like him a bajillion times better than I like Hal Jordan.

Green Lantern Corps #16

I'm tired of using doors too! If there's one thing I've learned from comic books, if you're in a hurry, just bust through a fucking wall, floor, or ceiling. Bad guys do it. Good guys do it. Hot shot photographers for the Daily Planet do it. Probably. I may not be able to visually confirm that last one. But I wouldn't put it past him!

Has there ever been a Green Lantern that refuses to use his Green Lantern Light in such pedestrian ways? A hammer, Simon Baz? Really? You've got the most powerful weapon in the universe and you use it to create a weapon that any thug or four year old child could get her hands on? I guess the exaggerated size of your tool makes up for it being on the low end of the technological scale. At least create a hammer that you don't have to hold on to so you could make it fly around the room and attack at range. Oh! Maybe make TWO hammers like that! Maybe that would take too much concentration. And maybe this whole image is just a metaphor for masturbation anyway. "Choking the Ginger." "Solitary Confinement." "Hammering the Hole." "Gripping the Handle." "Blowing a Hole in the Ceiling." "Peter J. Tomasi."

Guy Gardner is in jail because he thought he was "Blowing Off Steam" last issue but instead he was "Interfering with an Undercover Investigation." He's no longer a Green Lantern because he discovered the secret weakness of the Onan's Oan's Third Army. When exposed to masturbation, the Borg Lanterns could only stare helplessly at the erotic act. And since Guy Gardner is the greatest masturbater the Green Lantern Corps has ever been witness to, the Oans took back his ring.

Heh heh. He said "unabated." Stop writing my commentary for me, Mr. Guardian.

Now seems like the perfect time to take care of Guy Gardner once and for all. He's the greatest threat to the Guardians (if you believe me, that is. You could argue that Kyle or Hal or Sinestro is a bigger threat but I'll just win the argument by ignoring you and having a more popular blog) so they tell their Borg Lanterns to "acquire his bio-signature" (you know, follow his spunk trail) and "assimilate" him. They actually use the word assimilate. Apparently the Guardians of the Universe get all of their best ideas from Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Speaking of Star Trek: The Next Generation and masturbation, I bet Wesley Crusher just fouled the fuck out of the holodeck with his not-quite-yet-a-man-juice. And it makes sense, right? In the 1970s and 1980s, kids had to find their wank material in bushes and abandoned fields and their father's bottom drawers. Then the internet came along and now kids can just log on to the family computer and find all the masturbation material they need. By the time space travel and starships are invented, it would make sense that the ability to find masturbation material would have escalated as well. And the holodeck would barely even seem like masturbation! I wonder if Picard had parental locks put on the holodeck controls.

Picard: "Number Two. How long has Wesley been in the holodeck this afternoon?"
Riker: "One hour, fifteen minutes and forty seven seconds. Of course this is his fifth time using it today. And he's reserved it for four more sessions later."
Picard: "That's an awful lot of training exercises. Perhaps we're working him too hard?"
Riker: "I don't think that's what he's doing, sir. He's Troubling the Tribble, if you get my meaning."
Picard: "Oh. Did we not have parental locks put on the Holodeck to prevent this sort of abuse?"
Riker: "The kid is a fucking technological genius. You don't think he guessed your password 'FLUTE1234'?"
Picard: "Well then. Chalk it up to kids being kids, I guess!"
END CREDITS.

You know, I was going to stay away from jail ass rape and drop the soap jokes while Guy was in prison. But with images like this, I guess I have to point out that snowballing seems to be the favorite sexual past-time in this prison. And I think the bets are that Guy can't go a week without masturbating.

Guy's brother and sister come to visit him in jail to find out what the fuck is going on with him. Where'd his Green Lantern ring go? Why did he get arrested screwing up an FBI investigation? All of his responses are glib, snarky, Superboy-esque answers. Guy is acting like a complete douchebag while his siblings are simply trying to help him get out of jail. So Guy's sister does what Superman should have fucking done to Superboy in Superboy Annual #1.

That guard is enjoying this a little bit too much. The Guardians would not approve.

Guy Gardner's sister is cute. I hope this comic spins off into a Green Lantern Family comic book where they all get Green Lantern rings. Maybe it could become a half hour sitcom on Fox.

The slaps and the yelling do not get Guy to stop pitying himself. What finally snaps him out of his pouting are the Borg Lanterns that suddenly attack the jail looking to assimilate his ass. Too bad Guy isn't an overly snobbish assassin so I could have typed "assimilate his high class assassin's ass." Being that Guy was a Green Lantern and the guards don't want to turn into mouthless monsters, they let him out of the handcuffs and allow him to take lead against the Borg Lanterns.

Meanwhile John Stewart and Fatality are dealing with Mogo's splintered sexuality.

I'm pretty sure this is all semantics.

Fatality catches John up on everything that has been going on in New Guardians which makes John realize that the Guardians are once again up to no good and sending him into the far reaches of space to chase down the pieces of a planet was just a way to get him out of their gray hair.

Back on Earth, Guy and his siblings are rescued by B'dg the Space Squirrel and Simon Baz the new Green Lantern of Earth. I have a feeling I probably should have read Green Lantern #16 first but I really doubt it matters much. That issue will probably deal with Simon and B'dg heading back to B'dg's nest so that Simon can recharge his ring and learn a little bit about his new job as a cosmic protector.

With Guy's leadership, B'dg contains the Borg Lanterns while Simon Baz flies off to steal a bunch of missiles from a nearby National Guard Base. So the most powerful weapon in the universe can't simulate a missile? Does Green Light not have the capability to explode? Has a Green Lantern never made explosives or fire with the Power Ring? I'm starting to think the ring isn't the most powerful weapon in the galaxy at all if all it can make are blunt instruments.

Guy watching a squirrel masturbate.

The missiles incinerate the Borg Lanterns and Guy heads off to the moon to get a synopsis of what's been going on. B'dg was sent to Earth by Salaak to find Hal Jordan but instead ended up rescuing Baz and Guy. Baz's ring has a warning for the Green Lantern Corps: "The Guardians are trying to destroy us!" Now if Guy could only get his ring back. Perhaps he'll have B'dg create a ring for him in the same way that Hal Jordan received a ring from Sinestro? That seems like a handy solution for every problem! More Green Lantern Rings! Green Lantern Rings for everyone!

Green Lantern Corps #16 Rating: No change. I think Guy and Baz are going to get along really well as long as Guy stops being a dick to him every chance he gets. Maybe Guy and Superboy should star in a comic book together where they can just snap back at each other for twenty pages. This was a pretty decent issue because it had a squirrel in it.

Superboy Annual #1

Fuck you, DC! How dare you make me read two Tom DeFalco Superboy titles in one month!

Last issue, Superboy informed me that his name was Superboy and that he was a clone created by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. to be a living weapon! And I just read that comic book last week so he'd better not remind me again! Although since this is an Annual, DC probably thinks they'll be luring in a bunch of new readers (even though it's in the middle of a crossover) and so Superboy will have to explain, once again, who the fuck he is and what his sorry ass is all about (it's about being a living weapon!).

Oh that's so cute! Superboy is proud of his idiotic decision to follow Superman into this dimension after Superman risked his life to keep Superboy out of this dimension. What a jerk.

I expect this weird and wacky dimension the Superguys have found themselves in will be terribly exciting and full of strange science fiction ideas that nobody with at least a 9th grade science education would find compelling. Right off the bat Superman tells Superboy that the dimension they're in "operates under different rules for time, matter and space" so DeFalco doesn't have to justify anything he writes in this issue. Perhaps I'll just pretend to read it.

I always say that and then I never actually do it. I did write a completely false commentary for the last issue of Blackhawks but I still read the comic book. I hope this Annual sells really well and everybody that reads it will realize Tom DeFalco is shitting all over Superboy and the regular title isn't worth picking up. But I have a feeling that Scott Lobdell and Tom DeFalco are entrenched in this DC regime due to their friendships with the people in charge. Plus they simply vomit up crappy stories that don't really go anywhere month after month, so they easily make their deadlines. I guess I'm stuck with them.

The pocket dimension is home to some mysterious entities that decide they're going to toy with the Superguys. They don't have any actual reason to fuck with them. They just "hope they prove amusing." I guess when you're trapped in a pocket dimension for a very long timeless amount of time, boredom becomes your number one enemy. So fucking with the Superguys is simply about defeating boredom and killing a few non-minutes.

Meanwhile back in the Fortress of Solitude, Cyborg and Batman have everything figured out.

Thanks, Cyborg. So very helpful.

The Superfellas have been transported into a new pocket dimension by the fun loving mystery aliens. Superboy freaks out that Superman isn't freaking out and then Superboy repeats the same shit he keeps repeating over and over again. Fucking DeFalco can only write one comic book story. And he keeps reprinting it over and over again each month in Superboy.

Superboy has said this in every comic he's been in with Superman so far. And he says it as if it's a matter of fact. As if there is no possible way there are thousands and thousands of various theories and opinions on Superman. Nope. People either love and trust him or don't trust him at all. That's it! Superman deconstructed in one sentence. Tom DeFalco wins.

The panel immediately after this one has Superman explain that H'el is going to drain the energy from the solar system. That's the third time someone in this comic book has explained that in ten pages. I sure hope I don't forget the danger they're all in. The tension just keeps getting ratcheted up every time someone reminds me of H'el's plan!

Superman and Superboy battle some gigantic dirt clods for a bit before being sucked into a new pocket dimension by the mysterious couple watching them.

The plan has changed! Forget playing with them! Use them for a means of escape! I mean, that makes more sense but it just seems like DeFalco thought of it halfway through the comic book.

As you see, I have no respect for DeFalco's ability to plan a story. I know he's just fucking winging it from page to page.

Superboy is a fucking annoying brat. I guess that's how DC wants to portray him. Perhaps editorial thinks they're portraying Superboy as rebellious and mistrustful of adults. But he really just comes across as a stubborn ass playing the victim that purposefully misconstrues the actions of others to paint them in a negative light. Superboy is fucking tumblr!

Shut up shut up shut up! I can't imagine anyone likes this Reboot version of Superboy. Pouty. Whiny. Confrontational. I certainly have no empathy for him and yet his actual origin story should make him a tragic character. Instead he's just a tra-dick character.

Superman is being nothing but patient with Superboy and every response is a shitty attack. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if this book were written better. But too many of the teen characters that Lobdell and DeFalco write have this horrible attitude.

I'm sure Superboy's attitude can be defended on a shallow level being that his life is a gigantic confusing mess. But this attitude is the same attitude Jason Todd has toward Superman as well. I think Jason Todd even says the thing about people believing that Superman is either a hero or a threat. I guess DeFalco and Lobdell live in their own world where that's all anybody thinks about Superman. And it's too bad because Lobdell is currently writing Superman, so he's going to fuck that shit up real quick.

The device the Superdudes have become trapped in turns out to be a female healing pod which has been taking over by two evil entities known as Blastor and Lasara. Superboy bonds with the healing pod because it's being used the way he's being used. So he decides to save it. He mouths off to Superman inappropriately about a half dozen more times before they finally engage in a fight with Blastor and Lasara to free themselves and the healing pod.

Superboy comes up with some plan that might make some sense if the reader were still interested in the comic book by the time they got to it. Seeing as how I wasn't, I didn't really pay attention. Something about removing all the negative influences on the healing pod and allowing it to teleport the bad guys to an empty galaxy at the ass-end of the universe. Somewhere along the way, Superboy thanks Superman for helping him learn a lesson but also bitches at Superman for lecturing him in the same breath. And Superboy and Superman return to the Fortress of Solitude but not before Superboy falls in love with a female healing pod. Too bad she's decided to cut herself off from this dimension. And now that the Superguys are back, they can continue on with the regularly scheduled program in Superman #16. Even though Supergirl #16 is next. I guess that comic isn't very important to the H'el on Earth story. I think they just made a mistake because H'el and Supergirl are done building their device. Now it's up to The Flash to rescue Supergirl and delay the launch.

Superboy Annual #1 Rating: It was like having to listen to a teenager that insists they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. Sometimes you just need to shut up and listen. Here's a secret: you don't learn more as you get older and thus think you're smarter or wiser or better than young people. As you get older, you realize more and more how much you don't know and never can know and become more and more humble when debating points. Well, you do if you're lucky. A whole lot of people never budge from a foundational way of thinking. Everything they believe stems from some unchanging base philosophy and they never actually grow and change. They just get more and more set in their ways. Fucking old people! I hate how they insist they know everything simply because they have no way of knowing how much they don't know. I wish they'd all just shut up already.

The Ravagers #8

Look at all the blood! Oh please oh please oh please let it be Superboy's!

Before I begin reading this comic, I have a few things to discuss. I'll start with Harvest. After reading Legion Lost #16, the last issue of Ravagers actually makes a little more sense. It's too bad the stories in Ravagers, Superboy, and Legion Lost are currently so convoluted you can't tell what's happening. In Legion Lost #16, Harvest found himself at a point in time where he doesn't know what's going to happen anymore, so he needs somebody that can tell the future. Now, I don't know why Harvest has this problem. It's not like he gave Captain Adym some kind of cheat sheet when Adym went back in time so that Adym would know all of the moves he should make so that the events in Legion Lost #16 would come to pass. He must have known what to do from studying the history of the time period while he was in the future. I suppose he stopped studying the events at the point where he goes back in time, so Harvest (who is Captain Adym after he went back in time in Legion Lost #16) now doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen. Harvest says it himself, so that isn't just speculation. But that reasoning only makes Ravagers #7 a little bit better because the girl he's trying to capture sucks at actually telling the future. She can see many, many versions and doesn't know which one will come to pass. Plus she obviously sometimes can't even see the version of the future that happens because when Terra fucks everything up at the end of issue #7, she claims it was worse than the worst vision she had seen earlier. Hopefully she ran away forever.

The second thing makes me happy! Ig Guara and Norm Rapmund are now the art team on this book! That must be why Ig was missing from the last issue of Blue Beetle. He's moved on to make everyone in this book super cute.

The last thing to note is that Howard Mackie is gone! No more fucking random punctuation! No more horrible train wreck, vomit inducingly awful scripts (maybe!). It looks like Michael Alan Nelson wrote the 28 Days Later comic book and a bunch of Cthulu comics. So he's a horror writer! I hope that means he's going to kill people. One thing I'm pretty confident about: he absolutely, positively, in no fucking way can be worse than Howard Mackie. No offense, Howard!

And that's it! Time to see if this comic book can drag itself out of the bottom of the ranks.

The comic begins following Rose Wilson and Warblade to a small town in Colorado where they're hunting down another one of the Culling Kids that escaped when NOWHERE's headquarters exploded in Antarctica the arctic Antarctica the arctic fuck if I know where. This kid's super power is imploding. Or maybe that's a defect of his super power. He seems to be one of Harvest's experiments. And he's not a very successful one the way Superboy was successful. I wonder if whatever creature was in Biotube #1 (the empty tube next to Superboy's Biotube #2) was a successful experiment? I wonder when he'll show up? I hope it wasn't H'el. While I was wondering about the other clone, Adam the Imploder decides to implode which spreads radiation all over town turning everybody else into imploders.

I guess it's time to burn down the town and slaughter everybody.

Rose Wilson decides not to kill everyone because Harvest might not understand. And she'd rather not be bitten by vampire Tim Drake lectured by Echo Captain Adym when he learns that they massacred everyone in a small town simply because they couldn't catch The Imploder.

Rose decides to quarantine the town so she sends Warblade out to cause an avalanche to block the only road into town. Really? Just one road in to town? What is this, a computer role playing game? The next Pokemon game? "The road out of town is closed. You'll have to save everybody's lives and make their pets fight each other while we try to clear the road. If you check back, you'll notice we've made no progress because we'll only clear the road when you've finished your mission here. And then it will instantly be clear and you'll be free to travel the linear path to the next town. You'll probably be stuck there until you kill the dragon and/or wake up the Snorlax."

Pretty soon the once normal citizens begin exercising their rights to use their new found super powers!

Murray's wife is pregnant. I hope her baby hasn't gotten this power and implodes in her womb. That could get messy and/or sexy.

After seeing Murray disappear inside himself leaving a stinking, smoking pile, the other citizens of the town begin to suspect that they've inherited the worst super power ever right after being able to telepathically boss fish around or being able to not tell the future. They also suspect that the weird green guy with the smiley teeth and his white haired bombshell are to blame. And since this is a backwoods small town, there's only one solution they can think of: lynch those strangers! Or tar and feather them! Okay, okay. They have two solutions to outsider problems! But for once, the police try to calm everyone down so they can talk it out and find a non-violent, non-implosive solution to the problem.

I don't even know what I'm looking at here. Why isn't he shooting something? Why isn't someone punching him in the face? How dare a police officer act rational!

More people begin using their powers and buildings begin catching on fire from the heat and fire generated from imploding. Rose has no idea how to stop everyone from acting so rashly and the sheriff isn't going to not shoot people all day. They really need to think of a solution to the problem and the Sheriff's kids might be the answer. Because when Adam blew in, everyone in town's brains showed through their skulls except for Warblade's, Rose Wilson's, and the Sheriff's kids'. And since the Imploder super power couldn't transfer to other people with super powers, that must mean the sheriff's kids, Kris and Candice. Maybe they have a super power that takes away other people's super powers!

While a solution is not forthcoming, Rose and Warblade turn hero to save children from a burning house.

Fucking fuck. I'm not usually a traditionalist but it sure is nice to read correctly punctuated sentences again. I wonder if Howard Mackie is on Twitter? I should follow him so I can get a daily dose of dashes and ellipses!

Warblade and Rose Wilson bicker for awhile about killing people. Specifically, Warblade wants to kill everyone and Rose doesn't want him to. She finally convinces him that if they attract too much attention, it could ruin Harvest's plans and then Harvest will pull out their insides with his cock. Once they get over their spat, Rose begins to implode. That's not supposed to happen but before they can figure out why it is happening, guests arrive!

How did they get through the roadblock? I guess they knew about the old switchback trail into town! Or, you know, Terra moved the avalanche.

The Ravagers #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. Grading on a huge curve, I'm giving this issue a bit of a boost. It's the first issue of The Ravagers that was actually readable. And while I don't know exactly why The Ravagers pursued War Blade and Rose Wilson after their last encounter instead of pursuing the Girl with the Worst Super Power Ever to keep her safe (which was their mission, after all), I don't really care. That might sort itself out in time. And even if it doesn't, I was hoping Que Sandra would never appear again and it looks like she may not. Yay!

The Space Ranger! (as seen in Threshold #1)

This picture must be why he's Stealth refers to him as "the punch line to more jokes than I care to recall."

Part 11 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Alter Ego: Rick Starr
Occupation: Business Executive [I was going to guess "Aerobics Instructor."]
Marital Status: Single [I'm fairly certain he's dating that ball shaped alien with the penis pump on its face.]
Known Relatives: Thaddeus Starr (father)
Group Affiliation: None [Nobody would join his club. So he dropped the "s" on Rangers and added the "the".]
Base of Operations: New York City and an asteroid between Mars and Jupiter, circa 22nd Century
First Appearance: SHOWCASE #15
Height: 6'2" Weight: 194 lbs
Eyes: Blue Hair: Black

HISTORY
"Rick Starr is the son of multimillionaire Thaddus Starr, the owner of Allied Solar Enterprises, and lives on the Earth of the 22nd Century. Rick is a business executive for his father's company, but is also secretly the Space Ranger [I don't think I've ever seen a super hero where I completely understood why they had a secret identity. Until now.], an adventurer known as the guardian of Earth's solar system ['I can save the world! Here I go! Watch me!' *press the button* 'Voila!'].
The Space Ranger's main base is within an asteroid orbitting [sic] between Mars and Jupiter. Space Ranger's base contains a well-equipped laboratory and is where he docks his starship the Solar King [Come on, Rick. It's the 22nd Century. Closets were for the 1950s. You're not fooling anyone naming your ship 'Solar King'.]. To reach his asteroid base, Rick Starr uses a small spaceship that he keeps in a private hangar near the New York spaceport [Smaller, hunh? And the ship you use more often, right? "Solar Queen" perhaps? Does he have his 'Space Ranger' dildo painted on the side?].

The Space Ranger has two principal allies: Myra Mason, his girlfriend [His beard.], not only aids the Space Ranger in his adventures but--knowing his secret identity--also works as Rick Starr's secretary at Allied Solar Enterprises [Notice how even when male science fiction writers thought about the future, women were still somehow serving the same roles? On a recent episode of Star Trek (which is lauded for its portrayal of interracial relations, Captain Kirk says to Mr. Spock, "Mr. Spock, the women on your planet are logical. That is the only planet in this galaxy that can make that claim." Boy, I wish Uhura had been in that hallway to take the only logical action possible: slapping the shit out of the Captain.]; Cryll is a small shape-changing alien who watches over the asteroid base in Starr's absence and ["]accompanies["] the Space Ranger on his ["]adventures["]. Cryll was stranded on an asteroid beyond Pluto when his spaceship failed and was frozen when Starr found him. Thanks to Cryll's alien biology, Starr [Never gets him pregnant?] was able to revive him, and since then they've been good friends and allies [and lovers.].

Space Ranger has another hidden base on Earth. In this base he has working replicas of every kind of weapon [The Nazi War Wheel?], which he studies to see if they can be of use in his work as Space Ranger [I think this paragraph was shoved in by the editor to make the word count.].

The Space Ranger has defeated many criminals, would-be conquerors, and other menaces [Like gender inequality and traditional family values.]. One of his greatest battles was against an attempt by the Gordanians (see Gordanians) to capture the Earth. The Gordanians were thrwarted in this attempt by Space Ranger's ally from the past, Green Lantern Hal Jordan [How was it his greatest battle if it was fought by Hal Jordan?] (see Green Lantern II)."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"The Space Ranger has no super-powers, but he is a fine [and dandy] hand-to-hand combatant, and is a master of weapons. Among his weapons are his thermoblaze gun (which melts objects), his explosi-discs (which explode [No fucking shit.]), his dissolverizer [No, wait! Let me guess! It solves crimes perpetrated by insulting street-wise thugs?] (which dissolves objects [Oh! Of course!]), his anti-gravity gun [What? No explanation for this? Fuck you!], and his numbing gun, [I didn't add that comma but you might not realize that it's followed immediately after by a period because of my bracketed bullshit and the original parenthetical phrase.] (which projects rings of paralyzing energy).

The Solar King is armed with powerful weapons and can travel at incredible speeds through normal space and hyperspace thanks to a system Rick Starr invented.

Space Ranger's ally cryll can change his color and shape into that of any other living creature [Yes but can he become a lion with zebra stripes?]."

Threshold #1

Caul has yellow skin. Were yellow skinned aliens unrecruitable back when the Power Ring had the color yellow defect?

I don't see a yellow Green Lantern in the 1985 Who's Who entry on the Corps. Although the cover shows a bunch of Green Lantern's being defeated by Golden Glider's blonde hair. Worst cosmic guardians ever.

Let's talk about Threshold. Excuse me. Let me monologue about Threshold while you skim this part looking for the main plot points and juicy details and then completely ignore the comment section at the bottom of this post. I was pleased to hear that a science fiction based comic was DC's next attempt at the anthology war book. Keith Giffen writing is just a bonus. I expect it to be funny. I expect it to piss off the creator of Captain Carrot (with good reason, probably. Fucking monolithic comic book entertainment corporations!). I expect Blue Beetle to guest star if he isn't too busy joining the Teen Titans. I probably expect too much. Maybe I should just read it.

For those people that aren't forcing themselves to purchase every single DC Comic Book with "The New 52" on the cover so they didn't bother picking up the New Guardians Annual, here's a synopsis of the game show, The Hunted:

Who is this lovely lady alien? Or male alien. Perhaps hermaphroditic alien.

The issue begins with Jediah Caul, renegade Green Lantern, wandering through a crowded section of Tolerance when the go ahead to begin trying to murder him flashes up on a giant screen directly behind him. Everybody pulls out their lasers and begins hunting. Since his Green Lantern Ring has been locked down by some fascist device, he'll probably be killed in a few pages. Unless Stealth can come to his rescue!

Who's Stealth? I don't know but she's on the cover!

This person with the awkward spread eagle double kick attack is Ember. She's annoying.

Ember leads Jediah to the sewers where they can hide. She's apparently one of The Hunted that's been on the run for awhile using the Disguise Tech to remain safe. She and some other Hunted have organized and have safe zones they call Blind Points where the "smart dust" used for transmitting live feeds has been cleared away. She was trying to recruit the ex-Green Lantern to their cause but he ditches her once she saves him to go pout.

Meanwhile, Stealth is establishing her identity with Ric Starr, Space Ranger!

We'll learn more about Ric Starr in my next Who's Who entry!

Both Ric Starr and Stealth are being Hunted. With Stealth having been listed as M.I.A., it looks like both her and the Space Ranger are prisoners of war against Lady Styx. And by prisoners I mean contestants. And there are a lot of contestants currently playing the game!

These citizens are horrible at The Hunted. I thought Crimson Thrust were supposed to be amazing at this show.

Ric Starr lets Stealth know about the organized contestants and tries to bring her to their side as well. But she just wants to know how he found her. Ric tells her he didn't find her.

Oh, there they are! Go Crimson Thrust! What kind of name is that? I think it's slang on the level of Dirty Sanchez or Angry Dragon.

The parts of this issue featuring Caul were a bit flat. I think the scenes were meant to be carried by Ember and her perky, sassy attitude but I found her annoying in that "Giffen is off his mark on his banter" kind of way. But I liked the scenes with Stealth and Ric Starr. So I'm a little bit above neutral on this comic right now. I'd definitely pick up Issue #2 but I'd still be weighing whether it would make the pull list. You know, if I wasn't forced to buy it due to my obsessive blogging.

Based on only the second page of the Larfleeze back-up story, I want a full sized Larfleeze comic book.

There's a lot of fun stuff here but I think my favorite bit is Metron's chair. Or maybe Sayd's corpse? The Tardis? Mjolnir?

Larfleeze is writing a book about himself when he learns of another Orange Lantern and flies off in a rage, leaving his Orange Power Battery behind. He soon learns the report was a hoax and returns to Okaara.

Only to find he's been completely cleaned out. All of his awesome shit is gone.

Threshold #1 Rating: I'll arbitrarily begin this comic book at Rank #26. So there.

Demon Knights #16

Is this Cain teaming up with one of the first recorded Talons? How fucking old is the Court of Owls? Maybe she simply works at middle ages Hooters.

I see Demon Knights has a new writer, Robert Venditti. His credits include The Surrogates which was made into a Bruce Willis film that I never saw. He has a Masters Degree in Creative Writing so I'm expecting well written crap from him. He's also going to be writer on Constantine when it launches in March. I'm really looking forward to that title so this guy had better bring the goods! Also, I hope he writes well.

This issue begins thirty years after the Battle of Avalon from last issue. And it gives a date of 1043! My only real guess as to the time that Demon Knights was taking place was that it was between 750 CE and 1066 CE.. I guessed those dates based on a single panel where a resident of Britain tells the Demon Knights his family name and some history. He mentions he had viking relatives which meant the comic had to be taking place in The Dark Ages but after the vikings had spread their seed all over the unwilling women of Britain. Also all over the crops and the walls and the livestock and the stone circles. Um, anyway, the comic book now has a date! Yay!

The scene has shifted to Saxony where a bunch of vampires are currently massacring a small village.

It's the Unknown Soldier!

I like the idea of vampirism being the mark that God put upon Cain. In an earlier panel, Cain refers to turning villagers into vampires as placing his "mark" in their blood. It makes sense because Mr. Old Testament God had a bad habit of punishing the wrong people or creating punishments that weren't really punishments at all. The Mark of Cain fulfills both of those criteria! It's not much of a punishment to give a guy immortality and mark that will keep him safe from violence. And God's punishing everybody else by creating this evil bastard that now needs to feed on human blood! That God is a fucking jerk! And I can say that without fear because he'll just punish my next door neighbor's dog when he reads what I just wrote!

Yes, God reads my commentary.

Meanwhile in Lusitania, the Horsewoman is being hunted by men on gigantic armored buffalo. For the first time in the comic book, the reader is privy to her ability to speak with horses. It's not as good as an ability to speak with fish though because fish are fascinating and know a lot of secrets. Horses are usually just, "Yo pony? You gotz carrot? How 'bout'm applez? Nah? No applez? Gorks, I love me some applez. How 'bout'm carrots? Not gots none? Hmm. Hey pony? I asked you 'bout them carrots yet? How's my mane look? Fierce?" Fish, on the other hand, are always, "Hey hey hey hey! How y'all doing? I was just swimming around my favorite sunken Spanish Galleon full of gold! It's my favorite place to poop and no humans have ever found it! Yeah, yeah! You speak good fish so I'll show you where it's at! No problem, man! It's nice to see a surface dweller that can speak fish. You learn from a Tuna? Yeah, yeah. I can hear the accent. Anyway, here's the Galleon decorated with my poop strings. Cool, right?"

Ugh. See what I mean?

The hunters manage to give Maelstrom all of their carrots at once. It's too much! Maelstrom collapses and wants to pass over the Rainbow Carrot but the Horsewoman must first set it free. Apparently the Horsewoman somehow stays young by bonding with horses. This bond keeps the horses young as well. So while I knew four of the seven Demon Knights were immortal, I didn't know about the Horsewoman. Looks like as long as she's bonded with a horse, she doesn't age. That just leaves the question of Exoristos and Al-Jabr. And since thirty years have passed, we'll see how good they look when they appear in this story.

The hunters capture the Horsewoman to take her back to the city and collect a bounty on her. As for Maelstrom, he's chopped up and kept for dinner. The Bison Riders take the Horsewoman to Al-Wadi, "a city of innovation and wonder [in] the heart of Moorish Spain." Hey! Moorish Spain! That's where my ancestors are from! It's in Al-Wadi that she's reunited with Sir Ystin of the Double Genitalia and Exoristos the Exiled Amazon.

Still looking good thirty years later. Do Amazons age slower or was immortality part of her deal with Lucifer?

Not surprisingly, Al-Jabr is the caliph of Al-Wadi. He put the bounty on the heads of his fellow Demon Knights not to punish or jail them but to gather them together once again. He probably should have made that clear to his underlings before they decided to piss off an already pissed off Amazon. It seems Al-Jabr was the only Demon Knight that was not immortal. That's what happens when you believe in the truth of the universe and rely on science and natural laws! You get old and die! Fuck you, Science! Eat shit, Truth! I guess if I want to live forever I need to get in bed with those triple whores, religion, magic, and self-delusion!

Just a few pages in and I'm really enjoying Venditti's writing. I guess a Masters in Creative Writing actually means something! Also, Bernard Chang continues to do a phenomenal job on the art.

Al-Jabr informs this half of the Demon Knights that a monster named Cain is spreading a strange disease across Europe that turns people into cannibalistic monsters. And he's traveling with an Amazon in an ancient Hooters uniform. Perhaps that's all the Court of Owls was in the past? A restaurant franchise which began on Themyscira.

Exoristos, Sir Ystin, and the Horsewoman agree to try and stop Cain before he reaches Paradise Island. But Al-Jabr believes they'll need at least one other member of the Demon Knights. You know which one. This comic book isn't called Fairie Knights or Ancient Immortal Serial Killer Knights! There's only one thing standing in their way of gathering Jason Blood and his better half.

The Cow Howler! Oh, and Vandal Savage. So make that two things standing in their way!

It looks like Vandal Savage and Jason Blood had a bit of a falling out. Madame Xanadu no doubt took part in the shenanigans as well. And since Blood is immortal while linked to Etrigan, Savage is able to torture him as much as it pleases him. And Jason Blood is helpless to fight back for some reason.

Oh. That's probably the problem.

Demon Knights #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I'm really surprised that DC found another talented writer! The only problem is he replaced a writer that was doing really good work on this book anyway! Ignoring the actual reasons that Paul Cornell left, it would have been nice if he'd stayed on here and Venditti took a book from DeFalco, Lobdell, or Nocenti! But as it stands, I'm glad he was put on this book instead of some hack or one of DC's editors or janitors or lawyers. I'm pleasantly surprised that a transition in writers went so smoothly. Even though Venditti is given a lot of latitude to change things up with the thirty years that passed between issues, he's remained true to the characters. I'm actually really optimistic for Constantine now! And I'm cautiously optimistic that the change in writers on Ravagers will mean good things for that punctuational disaster!