The Ravagers #8

Look at all the blood! Oh please oh please oh please let it be Superboy's!

Before I begin reading this comic, I have a few things to discuss. I'll start with Harvest. After reading Legion Lost #16, the last issue of Ravagers actually makes a little more sense. It's too bad the stories in Ravagers, Superboy, and Legion Lost are currently so convoluted you can't tell what's happening. In Legion Lost #16, Harvest found himself at a point in time where he doesn't know what's going to happen anymore, so he needs somebody that can tell the future. Now, I don't know why Harvest has this problem. It's not like he gave Captain Adym some kind of cheat sheet when Adym went back in time so that Adym would know all of the moves he should make so that the events in Legion Lost #16 would come to pass. He must have known what to do from studying the history of the time period while he was in the future. I suppose he stopped studying the events at the point where he goes back in time, so Harvest (who is Captain Adym after he went back in time in Legion Lost #16) now doesn't know what to do or what's going to happen. Harvest says it himself, so that isn't just speculation. But that reasoning only makes Ravagers #7 a little bit better because the girl he's trying to capture sucks at actually telling the future. She can see many, many versions and doesn't know which one will come to pass. Plus she obviously sometimes can't even see the version of the future that happens because when Terra fucks everything up at the end of issue #7, she claims it was worse than the worst vision she had seen earlier. Hopefully she ran away forever.

The second thing makes me happy! Ig Guara and Norm Rapmund are now the art team on this book! That must be why Ig was missing from the last issue of Blue Beetle. He's moved on to make everyone in this book super cute.

The last thing to note is that Howard Mackie is gone! No more fucking random punctuation! No more horrible train wreck, vomit inducingly awful scripts (maybe!). It looks like Michael Alan Nelson wrote the 28 Days Later comic book and a bunch of Cthulu comics. So he's a horror writer! I hope that means he's going to kill people. One thing I'm pretty confident about: he absolutely, positively, in no fucking way can be worse than Howard Mackie. No offense, Howard!

And that's it! Time to see if this comic book can drag itself out of the bottom of the ranks.

The comic begins following Rose Wilson and Warblade to a small town in Colorado where they're hunting down another one of the Culling Kids that escaped when NOWHERE's headquarters exploded in Antarctica the arctic Antarctica the arctic fuck if I know where. This kid's super power is imploding. Or maybe that's a defect of his super power. He seems to be one of Harvest's experiments. And he's not a very successful one the way Superboy was successful. I wonder if whatever creature was in Biotube #1 (the empty tube next to Superboy's Biotube #2) was a successful experiment? I wonder when he'll show up? I hope it wasn't H'el. While I was wondering about the other clone, Adam the Imploder decides to implode which spreads radiation all over town turning everybody else into imploders.

I guess it's time to burn down the town and slaughter everybody.

Rose Wilson decides not to kill everyone because Harvest might not understand. And she'd rather not be bitten by vampire Tim Drake lectured by Echo Captain Adym when he learns that they massacred everyone in a small town simply because they couldn't catch The Imploder.

Rose decides to quarantine the town so she sends Warblade out to cause an avalanche to block the only road into town. Really? Just one road in to town? What is this, a computer role playing game? The next Pokemon game? "The road out of town is closed. You'll have to save everybody's lives and make their pets fight each other while we try to clear the road. If you check back, you'll notice we've made no progress because we'll only clear the road when you've finished your mission here. And then it will instantly be clear and you'll be free to travel the linear path to the next town. You'll probably be stuck there until you kill the dragon and/or wake up the Snorlax."

Pretty soon the once normal citizens begin exercising their rights to use their new found super powers!

Murray's wife is pregnant. I hope her baby hasn't gotten this power and implodes in her womb. That could get messy and/or sexy.

After seeing Murray disappear inside himself leaving a stinking, smoking pile, the other citizens of the town begin to suspect that they've inherited the worst super power ever right after being able to telepathically boss fish around or being able to not tell the future. They also suspect that the weird green guy with the smiley teeth and his white haired bombshell are to blame. And since this is a backwoods small town, there's only one solution they can think of: lynch those strangers! Or tar and feather them! Okay, okay. They have two solutions to outsider problems! But for once, the police try to calm everyone down so they can talk it out and find a non-violent, non-implosive solution to the problem.

I don't even know what I'm looking at here. Why isn't he shooting something? Why isn't someone punching him in the face? How dare a police officer act rational!

More people begin using their powers and buildings begin catching on fire from the heat and fire generated from imploding. Rose has no idea how to stop everyone from acting so rashly and the sheriff isn't going to not shoot people all day. They really need to think of a solution to the problem and the Sheriff's kids might be the answer. Because when Adam blew in, everyone in town's brains showed through their skulls except for Warblade's, Rose Wilson's, and the Sheriff's kids'. And since the Imploder super power couldn't transfer to other people with super powers, that must mean the sheriff's kids, Kris and Candice. Maybe they have a super power that takes away other people's super powers!

While a solution is not forthcoming, Rose and Warblade turn hero to save children from a burning house.

Fucking fuck. I'm not usually a traditionalist but it sure is nice to read correctly punctuated sentences again. I wonder if Howard Mackie is on Twitter? I should follow him so I can get a daily dose of dashes and ellipses!

Warblade and Rose Wilson bicker for awhile about killing people. Specifically, Warblade wants to kill everyone and Rose doesn't want him to. She finally convinces him that if they attract too much attention, it could ruin Harvest's plans and then Harvest will pull out their insides with his cock. Once they get over their spat, Rose begins to implode. That's not supposed to happen but before they can figure out why it is happening, guests arrive!

How did they get through the roadblock? I guess they knew about the old switchback trail into town! Or, you know, Terra moved the avalanche.

The Ravagers #8 Rating: +3 Ranking. Grading on a huge curve, I'm giving this issue a bit of a boost. It's the first issue of The Ravagers that was actually readable. And while I don't know exactly why The Ravagers pursued War Blade and Rose Wilson after their last encounter instead of pursuing the Girl with the Worst Super Power Ever to keep her safe (which was their mission, after all), I don't really care. That might sort itself out in time. And even if it doesn't, I was hoping Que Sandra would never appear again and it looks like she may not. Yay!

The Ravagers #7

Too bad this is only a vision.

Seeing the phrase "The End" on the front of both The Ravagers and Blue Beetle this month got me thinking about how close The Ravagers actually are to being cancelled. This got me to check out total sales on The New 52 for November to see how closely the popularity of a title matched up to the overall ranking I've given the titles based on how well written they are. The sales figures for November are a bit skewed since a number of titles sold better than they normally do because of crossovers such as The Third Army and Death of the Family. Surprisingly, my rankings matched up exactly with the sales numbers of five titles: Batman, Red Lanterns, Swamp Thing, The Flash, and Grifter. Not surprising was how far off I was with a number of books. I have Demon Knights ranked at #4 and sales ranks it at #42. Red Hood and the Teen Titans have sales figures putting them in the mid-twenties while I have them ranked in the mid-forties. Detective Comics and The Dark Knight which have been horrible up until have sales figures putting them in the top ten while I have them ranked at 34 and 45 respectively. These aren't surprising due to the popularity of the characters heading the titles. Jason Todd and Tim Drake have huge fandoms that are sticking with these books even though they're written so poorly while Etrigan can't quite grab an audience's attention even though his book looks gorgeous and is thoroughly entertaining. For fuck's sake, The Ravagers have better sales numbers than Stormwatch! I am so fucking ashamed of comic book readers right now.

Oh, as for The Ravagers? I have them ranked at 42 (probably higher than they should be!) and sales ranks them at 38. That's pretty consistent. At the bottom of the sales ranks and my rankings are the ones you'd expect: Deathstroke, Hawkman, Grifter, Legion Lost. If it weren't for the popularity of some of these characters (like Batman!), I'd expect sales to be a lot closer to my rankings. About half of them are pretty damn close.

Now that I've wasted as much time as I could ignoring reading The Ravagers, it's probably time to waste time figuring out more ways to waste time instead of reading The Ravagers! Call of Duty would kill a few hours. Masturbating wouldn't kill that much time but I'd probably take a nap afterward. I could read an actual book or maybe I could do more Bible Study. Or maybe I could just get this over with.

Instantly I'm lost amid the ellipses and half-finished sentences, the missing spaces and missing commas, the extra commas and double dashes. I'm in the mind of Howard Mackie. It feels like being stuck in the birth canal. Something is happening but not quickly enough. I'm struggling, choking, fighting for life. Is there meaning in anything we do? Is the struggle worth it? Should I just...put in random punctu--ation whenever I feel I...need to breathe?--?...!

The girl that The Ravagers were sent to save hides behind a tree watching The Ravagers battle Rose Wilson and Warblade. She's Narration Boxing a letter to her mother about how she's seen so many visions of the future that she can't be sure what future is about to go down. Wow. What a terrible predicament to be in.

How many punctuation errors can you find?

The title of this issue is "Ghosts of Future Present." Most people reading this comic book will read the title and move on without thinking much about it. Maybe they'll say it in a cinematic way but just keep going. But I want you to read it again.

The meaninglessness of our existent stares back from this title. Drink deep of the despair.

The enormity of time crashes through you. Your ego disappears into the vastness of infinite space.

Paralyzed by decisions that don't matter. Extant for a universal second.

Nothing. Everything. All of it here. All of it gone.

Back to the twenty page distraction from the inevitability of the eternal grave, Caitlin Fairchild gets knocked into the tree where Future Present Girl has been hiding. She not only has the power to imagine how the future might possibly turn out, she also has the power to make other people think about how the future might possibly turn out. Maybe her super hero name is Devil's Advocate or Que Sarah or The Ellipsis.

Her task now is to show Caitlin Fairchild what might possibly happen if things go a certain way for some certain reason. And whatever that thing is that causes this future to happen, please do it because Superboy is killed almost instantly!

The double period...burning into my brain...destroying my memories--first kiss, gone; grandfather's voice, gone; the best fish stick I ever ate, gone--destroying everything that makes me...me?

Harvest wants Future Girl (Maybe her name isn't Que Sarah at all? Perhaps it's Que Sandra! (it hurts my soul to think that joke is being wasted on fans of The Ravagers)) so that she can help guide him in his plans. You know what? That's even stupider than all of this random punctuation. Harvest's plans never go wrong and he's from the future! So why does he need a girl who sees so many futures she doesn't know which one is going to come true to guide him? He wants the future that he came from. So having a girl tell him about fifteen different possible futures isn't going to help him any because the only one he wants to happen is the one that will cause Tim Drake to be bitten by a vampiric scythe so he can name himself Harvest and take over all space and time! Or just come back to the past to ensure that he exists in the future. Man, that's stupid, isn't it?

In Caitlin's vision, The Ravagers take over the world and none of it would have been possible without Future Girl. And somehow Rose says that Caulder and Caitlin delivered her to Harvest although Rose and Warblade and Windshear and Brighteyes already knew where she was and were going after her. So that's more stupidity.

Wow. What a terrifically useless power. "Here are 153 possible versions of the future! One of them is true!"

Caitlin then asks Que Sandra, "What you showed me was real?" And Que Sandra replies, "Maybe...things can change...choices made...I don't know how to control the power...how to tell." She's so powerful! She can speculate on the future but can't know what it'll be! I wish I had her amazing talents! Que Sandra then has another insight for Caitlin.

OH FUCK YOU, LISA! Caitlin has been helping them! That's all that she has been doing. That's what she was going to do all along. And telling someone that "THIS POINT" determines the path they will take is FUCKING OBVIOUS! Every point determines every point past that point, you stupid fucking piece of fucking fuck fuck FUCK FUCK FUCKKKK!

Here's an interlude to allow me to regain my sanity. It is the conversation between myself and Doom Bunny that we were having on Instant Messenger as I read this comic. Some of it will repeat. But I need to go outside for a breath of fresh air.

Me: "Ugh! This new person the Ravagers have met has the dumbest power. She sees all the different things that might happen in the future and one of them always comes true but she doesn't know which!"
Me: "Fuck you! We all have that power! It's called 'SPECULATION!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I see two futures for me: one where I win the lottery on Saturday, and one where I don't! One of those is sure to come true!"
Me: "That moment will determine the path your life will take! After, um, that moment! It's good you can see the possible futures in store!"
Doom Bunny: "I guess that power could come in handy if there is something in the future that came so out of left field that you couldn't speculate about it. Like if I suddenly saw the possibility of being hit by a bus tomorrow! Of course then I might stay home for no reason."
Me: "Except she sees that future alongside 250 other possible futures. More! 250,000,000!"
Doom Bunny: "Oh jeez. So I could be hit by any number of things! Or not at all! What the hell good is that? I know that already!"
Me: "I know! WORST. POWER. EVER. She has the power to WORRY!"

Okay, I'm back and so is Caitlin. She sees the events unfolding exactly like the vision she was shown by Future Girl! Except they're a little bit different for some reason. Everything is the same except Ridge and Superboy don't get stabbed. But they say all the same things! Maybe it's because she didn't run away with Lisa. Instead she stayed to observe.

By staying to help, Caitlin manages to convince Terra to actually fight back. Terra flips the fuck out and begins smashing everything to bits in a big scary display that doesn't actually do anything except vandalize the surrounding properties and throw Caitlin to the ground. Oh, it also excites Rose in a way she hasn't been excited since she and Timber Wolf met in The Culling.

Maybe it was Timber Wolf that wanted to dance with Rose? Whover it was, the dance never happened because Timber Wolf smelled Kid Flash.

Terra knocks out Rose and Warblade and then kills Warblade even though everyone else tries to stop her. Hey! I'm beginning to suspect this is another future possibility! I hope The Ravagers simply goes on for another 300 issues stuck in this moment as Fairchild experiences all of the possible futures that can spring from "THIS POINT!"

Oh my God! Terra is capable of murder in the Reboot! That's so different!

Warblade is okay though because he can morph his body. He also says something that isn't so stupid because everything else in the comic is stupider: "Ravagers die if and when Harvest says we die." Then there's a big whooshing noise and Warblade and Rose are gone and Future Girl is freaking out. The vision she showed Caitlin earlier was the "worst thing that could happen." But now Caitlin did "something terrible...something that might be too late to stop...worse than what [they] saw before...." So no matter how terrible I thought her power was before, she has just proven that it's even worse than that. She then runs into away, hopefully never to be heard from again.

Later they return to Los Angeles (although Caitlin and Ridge actually get transported to Arizona when they chase after Jocelyn and Superboy. I don't know why the rest don't follow since they're here. Unless they end up back in New York later and then go to Arizona? Fuck this is confusing!) where Caitlin informs Niles that The Ravagers are dangerous. Niles says, "Oh my God! Good thing we have emergency measures to keep them in check!" And Superboy goes, "Wait. What? Me!?" And then the final surprise page!

After seeing Rose Wilson here, I'm 98% positive she's the native girl from the Eclipso Island in Team 7 #3.

The Ravagers #7 Rating: -5 Ranking. This was literally the stupidest fucking story in the history of literature. I'm not exaggerating at all! See? I used literally!

The Ravagers #6

Fuck me. More Superboy?

The Ravagers have finally bonded and they're ready to destroy all of Harvest's N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facilities. The first thing they need to do is practice in Nile Caulder's Danger Room (I should call it the Doom Room) and cost him millions of dollars in repairs. The next thing they'll have to do is head to New York to beat up Warblade and Rose Wilson. After that, they'll have to go to Arizona to fight the Cosmic Butcher. Then Superboy will need to take a break from them for awhile to go fight H'el in the Superman crossover. Why do I even bother reading these comics since I already know everything that happens in the next few months simply because these comics are all taking place out of order and referring to plots in comic books that won't be out in months? And people think DC's editors have some kind of control over the new DCnU. I think they barely know what they're doing.

As The Ravagers watch Nile Caulder's Doom Room begin to transform into a prehistoric simulation so they can practice fighting dinosaurs (might as well begin with something practical, right?), they listen to Niles drone on and on about how different he is from Harvest while being pretty much exactly the same. And instead of commenting on the comic book story, I, once again, find myself more interested in the editing of this book.

Technically nothing wrong with leaving every quote in each Narration Box open and finally closing it in the last one since it's one long monologue by Caulder. Aesthetically? It just looks awful. Note Mackie's use of his favorite imaginary punctuation at the end of Narration Box six. 

The title of this issue is "...ENGAGE!" Even in the title, Mackie can't resist throwing in one of his fucking ellipses. So "Ravagers . . . engage!" really is the rallying cry of this group?

Caulder watches The Ravagers practice while speaking with somebody off-panel. Could it be Rose Wilson? Or Warblade? Will I even find out before this issue is over? Whoever it is, it sounds like Caulder isn't being totally honest with The Ravagers. Caulder and the mystery person have some connection to N.O.W.H.E.R.E. They think Fairchild pulled The Ravagers out of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. too soon although I don't think it was really her choice. She just helped them escape once everything fell the fuck apart.

As Caulder watches them train, he explains their powers to any new readers. He also explains to all of the old readers that Superboy was built by Harvest as a weapon that could destroy The Ravagers if they ever got out of his control. So there's Superboy's purpose! After a year of pouting and wondering why he was created as a living weapon, Superboy almost finds out! Except Caulder simply drops it casually in conversation with the mystery person he's speaking with. So while other secrets in the DCnU drag on and on, this one is revealed in a place where most people are likely to miss it.

What Caulder learns from The Ravagers' first training session is that they suck but they're potentially the "world's most dangerous threat". DC Comics: We Have the Most Superlatives!

Turns out the mystery person is Red Robin. Yeah, that makes more sense than Rose Wilson. I guess Niles Caulder can be trusted. For now!

I can't wait until Red Robin confronts Harvest. Harvest will probably let Red Robin kill him because that will be the moment that Red Robin becomes Harvest. Harvest must ensure his existence through his own death.

After the single training session, Caitlin thinks The Ravagers need a break. She takes them out to spend some time at the beach. Superboy learns that Ridge believes Superboy is a fail-safe to destroy The Ravagers if they get out of control So apparently this isn't Niles pet theory. Once it's mentioned, everybody gets to think it! Because it must be true (as seen in Legion Lost #14 where Harvest is able to control Superboy with mental suggestions). And when Superboy hears this theory, he just kind of shrugs it off because he hasn't spent every fucking second of his own comic book trying to figure out why he exists.

"You know, I've been dealing with this existential angst for close to a year now. And I came out to California to beat you up a bit and force you to answer my questions so I could figure out who I am. But stop bothering me with possible answers. Let's talk about how I want to be friends with you guys!"

Elsewhere on the beach front, Terra has a minor conversation with Ridge which turns Beast Boy into a jealous mess. How dare that bitch speak kindly to another monster?! That isn't how love works!

I bet Gar's jealous panel was supposed to be bigger and they jammed in the panel to the right at the last second. "We need to acknowledge Rotworld!" Also note Mackie's weird love of stupid punctuation with the legendary dash-question mark.

I keep getting distracted by other stuff but I've been wanting to mention Lightning. Everyone seems to be concerned with a lot of things that might be troubling each of the other members of the team but the one thing nobody talks about is the loss of Thunder's sister, Lightning, just a few weeks (possibly days!) ago. Perhaps all of the Lightning talk is happening off panel. But eventually while they're buying tacos, Thunder brings up his sister and how maybe she's still alive somewh....

"Yeah, whatever. I gotta get this."

The Ravagers day at the beach is interrupted by Niles. He needs them for a mission in New York. What a surprise! They need to go help some super-powered kid before N.O.W.H.E.R.E. can get their hands on her. N.O.W.H.E.R.E. is still active? Perhaps Harvest didn't tell them that part of his plan is over.

Once they arrive, The Ravagers are ambushed by Windshear and Bright Eyes in one of the ugliest double splash pages I've ever seen. These two jerks escaped with The Ravagers from the Antarctic N.O.W.H.E.R.E. facility before they split up with the main group over the Arctic. Hey, don't fucking look at me! I'm not the one with the horrible grasp on geography or the location of N.O.W.H.E.R.E. After they split up, they were captured by Rose Wilson and Warblade. It looks like they decided being free wasn't all it was cracked up to be. Or even an option, probably.

The Ravagers defeat Windshear and Bright Eyes because Windshear and Bright Eyes are two of the stupidest characters I've ever seen. They never stood a chance! But immediately after taking them down, the real challenge begins.

Don't worry! According to Legion Lost #14, The Ravagers win this battle too.

The Ravagers #6 Rating: -1 Ranking. Someone needs to send Howard Mackie to punctuation school. I can't fucking concentrate on the story because of--all of his...you know--stupid punctuation...--!?.