Legion Lost #16

I'm actually curious to see how this all ends.

I'm not curious as to how it begins though! It'll be a single splash page with seven or eight Narration Boxes on it. It'll begin by introducing on of the Legion members and giving a short description of their origin and/or powers. My guess is it'll be Gates because he's off trying to save everyone with a Time Bubble.

Holy crap! Tom DeFalco changed up his style! I'm flabbergasted!

So the first page was different; it doesn't mean it was good. I really wish these idiots would stop and think for a moment about how this bullshit doesn't make any sense. They're trying to make sure Captain Adym's timeline continues to exist which means they'll save the untold quintillions of people that make up the population of the time between now and the 31st century. But by establishing that specific timeline, they're laying waste to an infinite amount of other timelines. Which means they're killing infinity times untold quintillions of people just to selfishly save their own timeline. Fuck them.

Now, I don't have a problem with them trying to save their timeline. Fuck. Might as well go for it. But don't act like you're doing something righteous! You're murdering all of that other potential, you dumb bastards!

Once Harvest shoves Adym in the Time Bubble and shoots him back into the past, he and his Ravagers beat a hasty retreat since they don't want to be around when Adym sets off his singularity bomb. I guess Adym had to make sure that he didn't set the bomb off until an hour and ten minutes passed while he sat within the force-field, otherwise he would have fucked up his own timeline or something. You know, killing untold quintillions.

Meanwhile, Superboy continues to impress me.

I hope he never breaks free from Harvest's mind control! This is so much easier to listen to than his pouting about who he is and why he was created and what could his purpose be.

Harvest and Leash teleport into the force field and pick up an item that Harvest just gave to Captain Adym. Is this thing going to be like Locke's compass in Lost? Forever stuck in a loop of time to be handed back and forth between two people? Or could it be one person?!

Good. No more fucking knowing every fucking thing that is going to fucking happen.

Meanwhile Gates is pondering coming back to help even though he knows he's going to come back to help since he told Timber Wolf he already saw this shit go down and they all die. It's probably because he ended up here when he disappeared way back in the first issue and then returned all fucked up.

Gates does return and enters the force field just in time to run into original Gates from way back when. New Gates plan is to have Original Gates get his face burnt half-off while New Gates opens up a portal to a black hole to suck Lord Daggor and Thraxx and their world ending machine into it, thus saving the world without a singularity being blown up.

Speaking of which, what happened to Captain Adym? Wasn't he supposed to blow this shit up?

And thus he goes back in time to form N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Right?

So Captain Adym ends up being Harvest. I don't like that DeFalco tried to give him some kind of motivation to be angry at the Legionnaires simply because they wouldn't help him explode a bomb though. He acts as if they betrayed him. So does that anger toward them cause him to create NOWHERE? Or does he create NOWHERE to be "better prepared" for the fight against Daggor. Does he know at that moment when he goes back in time that he's Harvest or will he have to figure that out later when he gets in the horrible accident that gives him a gigantic mouth and teeth the size of jawbreakers? Once he realizes it though, he will use his old self's motivation to save the "untold quintillions" into tricking that old self into going back in time so Harvest can continue to exist. So he'll direct events toward that meeting in the desert which is why Harvest knows what to do. Because he was there as Captain Adym and Harvest is just repeating what Harvest did when Harvest was Captain Adym. So basically Harvest's entire motivation was to make sure that Harvest existed. Just like I've been saying! Except for the part about Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake.

Finally, everything blows up and gets sucked into the black hole with Gates. Harvest and his men flee but to buy themselves time, they drop Wildfire's original containment suit which Wildfire's energy instantly fills. And Dawnstar is happy to see him even though she was free to fuck Timber Wolf if he hadn't returned. And everyone lived happily ever after. In the past.

Except wasn't Tyroc supposed to die? I think I still have a few pages left to read! Maybe he'll be bitten by a rattlesnake and keel over dead.

Dammit! I was expecting a death! Not a rebirth! Fucking Gates. You ruined my mood!

Legion Lost #16 Rating: No change. I'm just glad it's over. I kind of like the Harvest/Captain Adym thing but let me list the problems with it. First off, Captain Adym is just a brand new character dropped in to become Harvest. That's never any fun. Second off, just because Captain Adym is from the future, it doesn't mean he should know every fucking thing that happens as Harvest. He should know the things Harvest does when Captain Adym was around Harvest because he observed those. I guess Captain Adym just studied all of history so closely that he knows everything that ever happened. What a nerd!

I do kind of like that Captain Adym is a piece of Captain Atom and Captain Atom has a history of becoming a villain! Remember when he turned into Monarch? No? You don't remember that? Oh yeah! That's because DC changed their fucking Armageddon storyline so that it made no sense simply to surprise readers once the Captain Atom is Monarch bit was leaked. So maybe that's going to happen here too! Maybe when it comes time to really show Harvest's origin, DC will decide too many people know it's Captain Adym and they'll make it Vampire Tim Drake instead!

Batman and Robin #16

Last issue, The Joker left Robin in a pit of dead worms and birds and bats and bugs with a Clown Batman. I don't know where The Joker finds people to pretend they're Batman or where Joker gets the Batsuits made or why The Joker wants Robin to fight a fake Batman. I guess it's all symbol or metaphor or analogy or something. One of those literary devices that I never pay any attention to anyway. As long as people are punching each other in the face, I'm happy!

Robin seems to be convinced he's Batman but that would put Batman in one place too many for me to believe! So it must be a henchman. Or hostage. And Damian is probably just playing along to buy some time.

Meanwhile The Joker is munching on popcorn and commanding the Bat-Joker to kill Robin. The longer The Joker watches and goofs off and Robin pleads with Batman to listen to him, the more I'm getting sucked in to believing that this is Batman! I'm too cynical to fall for The Joker's joke! Snap out of it, dumb dumb! Batman is too busy to be captured by The Joker. Except he did get captured by The Joker! So this could take place after Batman's encounter with his Royal Court in Arkham. Damian just sat around the cave for a few hours while Batman was Jokerfied and while The Joker was marrying Batgirl and while The Joker was doing whatever stupid thing Lobdell decides to make him do to Tim and Jason. And then he couldn't sit there anymore (plus Titus wanted to smell some hyena pee) and he hit the zoo. And now this. So, it could really be Batman!

Now I'm all worried and shit! How is Robin going to save the day? Oh, you know what. He's not. He's just supposed to end up in The Joker's clutches by the end of this comic book so he can get dragged to the party. Well shucks. Now that I remembered the end to this issue, I'm not worried at all!

Robin gets away for a moment and the chase continues in the aquarium. This is starting to feel a lot like Grifter #16! Comic book chases are always more exciting in a zoo where the kids reading can be thrilled by the diverse creatures that attack the hero. But unlike Grifter #16, the animals don't seem to be taking part in the fight. These two are just beating the hell out of each other.

Okay, I don't think Batman is allowed to lose teeth. Not the real Batman!

The Joker really wants Robin to kill this person because that'll create a rift between Robin and Batman. But The Joker wouldn't really want Robin killing Batman which is another clue (besides the teeth!) that this isn't really Batman. But at the end of the fight, The Joker's plan fails. Robin just won't kill his father.

My what a noble kid. Stupid though. If that were your dad and he was filled with Joker toxin, why would you let him kill you? He must have another plan up his sleeve!

If Damian did have another plan to stop Batman from killing him, he never gets to use it because Batman explodes right in front of him. But that's okay because Batman was just some karate instructor that owed one too many people. Robin collapses from the Hyena Poison without finding out that Batman wasn't really Batman. And then The Joker hauls him off to Batman #17 to find out what is underneath the cover to that serving platter!

Batman and Robin #16 Rating: No change. The interaction and conversation between The Joker and Robin in Issue #15 was superb. This issue was a bit of a let down after that. It was simply The Joker continuing to play games with Robin, trying to get him to kill Batman. But he was surprised that this violent Robin was willing to sacrifice his own life rather than killing Batman. But in the end, it doesn't matter. The Joker just drags him off to the real party and the real meat of the story taking place in the next issue of Batman. In essence, this was just filler.

Team 7 #4

Comic books use the term "unleashed" way too often. Especially since I've never seen a leash on anyone. Not even Titus. Or Krypto. Or G'nort.

Eclipso is supposed to be some powerful manifestation of an ancient God of some sort, so his appearance should create an air of serious tension. How will Team 7 stop him? Will he take over the entire world? He's a God! Even Batman can't stop him (hyperbole). But whenever I see Eclipso, all I can think about is one of DC's biggest gaffs in the history of their storytelling! I know I've mentioned this before but it bears repeating. Eclipso can be driven out of the body he's possessing by sunlight. So in Eclipso's big summer crossover event back in the early nineties, he had his base on the dark side of the moon. Of course, there is no dark side of the moon. It's simply the term for the side of the moon that constantly faces away from the Earth (incidentally, the side we NEVER see due to the moon's rotation (yes, it rotates. If it didn't, we'd see every side of it) being such that it constantly faces the Earth with the same exact face). Which obviously means that every side of the moon, at some point, faces the sun and is thus not totally dark. Which means the Eclipso crossover would have ended almost as soon as it began. Good job, DC!

But it's not fair to hold that against this Eclipso! This is the rebooted Eclipso that is probably smarter than to establish his base on the moon! Perhaps he'll take over Supergirl's underwater sanctuary since that's a stupid place for her to have a base since she needs the sun to give her power! They should make a tradesie.

Currently in Team 7, Slade Wilson has been possessed by Eclipso and is ready to septimate his Team. The only problem with that is I know Kurt Lance doesn't die. Nor does Grifter. Nor does Amanda Waller. Nor does Slade Wilson (although he wouldn't kill himself. I don't think. Eclipso is kind of a weird guy). Also I still can't get past the notion that there are only seven people on the team when there are ten! So I should have just said decimate!

The little white haired girl (not Essence! The native girl!) was also stolen by the smoke monsters and everyone should remember her because I'm pretty sure she's going to end up being Rose Wilson.

The issue begins with Team 7's guns being ineffective against Eclipso Slade Wilson. And since shooting things is really their only plan, they have to retreat while Essence pelts Eclipso with ink blots.

I think Team 7 needs to stick to fighting things that aren't immune to bullets.

It's a good thing Essence met up with them on the island because Team 7 would be dead right now. Fairchild already shot the Black Diamond and it didn't break. I'm pretty sure that was their only plan. So it's time to retreat and let the people with super powers take care of Eclipso. Which is kind of sad because Team 7 is supposed to be policing super powered people and keeping them in line. It looks like they're going to need to invent new weapons after this. Bullets are no better than pointed sticks in this new era of wonders.

But Cole Cash doesn't believe guns are useless! He just has to believe strongly enough and they'll save the day! He believes that if everybody carried a gun, nobody would ever die! It's the only solution to gun violence and it will make everyone immortal! It'll be like one gigantic Mexican Standoff! Except the crazy person always shoots first because he doesn't give a shit about living or dying. So that's kind of a fault in the everyone should have guns plan. And violence against women goes really fucking badly when her partner has a gun handy. But Cole Cash is a responsible gun owner! He only shoots at any random fucking thing that he imagines is threatening his life. So what could be wrong with that? Anyway, Cole has a plan!

You know, speaking about more guns making people safer, how come nobody came forward saying that Trayvon Martin should have had a gun to protect himself? After all, he was the one approached, confronted, and then killed by some random stranger. How does that become self-defense when the killer instigated the entire encounter? That sounds more like looking for an excuse to shoot someone with your legal-to-carry gun.

Since Essence was turned into a sword by Eclipso, I guess it's up to Grifter to defeat Eclipso! And Grifter has the upper hand here because Eclipso put his Black Diamond in his pouch! Fuck yeah! Grifter knows mother fucking pouches! He knows makes and models and how many can comfortably fit across a belt and a shoulder holster and a rugged yet light vest. He knows the makers of the best pouches to keep bullets in. He knows how to maximize the space on a person's body to fill it with pouches so he always has a billion rounds of ammunition. And he knows exactly how to make a person explode so that the pouch at their side becomes unattached from the belt!

"No! My snuff!"

The smoke monster island ghosts delay Eclipso long enough for Cole and Essence to get back to Team 7 and explain the new plan. Essence pulls a sword out of a wall and tells Team 7 it is a magic sword that can hurt Eclipso (and maybe kill Slade. But no risk, no unpossessed teammate, amirite?). If I were Team 7, I'd ask Essence if she could turn the sword into bullets because Slade Wilson is their sword guy and he's kind of busy at the moment. Apparently Amanda Waller is their back up sword fighter because Essence gives the sword to her and tells her to buck the fuck up and kill children if necessary because Amanda and Dinah seem to have a problem with killing one thousand children if it means saving the world. I mean, if it were the ONLY way to save the world, I could probably do it. Or if there were another way to save the world but I'd have to walk a few miles to get there and the children were right next to me, I'd probably kill the children.

Now that they have their new plan, Eclipso barges in looking for his pouch. And Team 7 does the only thing they know how to do.

"You have to have faith in the bullets, Kurt! BELIEVE IN THE BULLETS! BELIEVE!"

I guess Essence didn't actually pick Amanda to wield the sword since Fairchild is the one that sneaks up on Eclipso Slade Wilson and stabs him in the back. I guess Essence just meant "you guys." My mistake!

So Fairchild stabs Slade and Eclipso leaks out of Slade's mouth in a big black cloud. Cole flashes the Black Diamond and Eclipso is once again bound up in his prison. Time to take the Black Diamond back to John Lynch so he can sell it to ARGUS (unless Lynch is working with ARGUS? Does ARGUS exist yet?) and they can shove it under a tarp in the Black Room. Perhaps Team 7 becomes ARGUS or is part of ARGUS in the way that the Black Razors and the Blackhawks were merged into some kind of fuzzy unit.

The issue ends with Lynch asking Slade if he wants to take part in Project Majestic. I guess that's what turns him into the super soldier he becomes.

Team 7 #4 Rating: No change. I'm sorry to see that the white haired girl never made another appearance in this issue. Perhaps she heard Team 7 say "Slade Wilson" a number of times so she just ends up taking the name Wilson when she's found by N.O.W.H.E.R.E. in later years. The rest of the comic book was filled with a lot of ineffective gunfire because that's the only solution Team 7 knows and applies it to every problem. Even when they already know the solution doesn't work for that particular problem. I guess if bullets can't solve the problem, they can at least provide a distraction until the real solution presents itself.

Superboy #16

I hope Tom DeFalco's version of Batman is more believable than Scott Snyder's!

H'el has taken over Superman's Fortress of Solitude and Superman wants it back! He also needs to stop H'el from using the solar system to fuel a time travel device to enable H'el and Supergirl to travel back in time (and across 27 light years of space!) to save Krypton. But before the assault on Krypton begins, let's let Superboy tell us his name and how NOWHERE created him to be a living weapon.

Fuck it. I'm giving in. I'm starting every single one of my commentaries from here on out with, "My name is TessAteChaiTea. I'm an asshole, created by my insane mother to be a cynical bastard bereft of emotions."

Where did Tom DeFalco and Scott Lobdell learn to write comic books? What are their inspirations? What writers are their role models? Because I'm going to fucking go back in time and obliterate them all! I'm so fucking sick of reading Tom DeFalco's scripts. Why can't the Justice League and Superboy battle these "Kryptonian Worker Drones" while engaged in normal dialogue? Why do we have to be privy to Superboy's sassy, unvoiced responses to the other characters? It's like I'm trying to read this comic book and Superboy is sitting right next to me yammering on and on. Shut the hell up, you triple-parented lab experiment! It's lazy writing because it's easier to simply allow the reader to have access to every single one of Superboy's thoughts than to have Superboy express who is through his dialogue and his actions. Dialogue is so much better because it's dubious and uncertain. Like the speaker in one of Robert Browning's dramatic monologues or the narrator of a Vladimir Nabokov novel, the words cannot be trusted. They must be interpreted through the speaker and his actions and the way he lets certain information slip. But if you're in the mind of the main character, you know what they know whole-heartedly. There's no mystery. And Superboy is certainly no mystery. Fuck, he's not even entertaining.

At least the art is much better with Rob Lean inking while Coello and Pinna pencil.

Why use the Kryptonite in the Fortress of Solitude that you might not be able to get to? Use Batman's stash! You know he has one!

Superboy breaks down H'el's forcefield. The Flash vibrates through the Fortress's crystal wall. Superman and Cyborg Boom tube in. But they're delayed once they're inside by "Killer Droids from Epsilon-18." Fuck you, Scott Lobdell. I mean Tom DeFalco! They both continuously use the same tricks. Superman and Cyborg have to be delayed by something so I'll string together an appropriately sci-fi antagonist name that means absolutely nothing. Then have the protagonist say, "This is the most dangerous foe we could possibly encounter in these circumstances!" to escalate the tension to barely tolerable levels! Now I'm on the edge of my seat! Will Cyborg and Superman be able to defeat the deadly Killer-Droids from war torn Epsilon-18?!

Meanwhile Wonder Woman faces her own problems as she stalls H'el's forces so Batman and Superboy can find the Kryptonite shard.

Kryptonian Worker Drones? Who wants to bet we never see these things in any comic book not written by Tom DeFalco or Scott Lobdell? Also, Wonder Gandalf?

Superman and Cyborg manage to destroy the Killer-Droids from Epsilon-18 while Cyborg wonders why Superman has all of this shit in his fortress. Superman informs Cyborg (while destroying them) that they were too dangerous to "even ATTEMPT to destroy." But now that he had to destroy them, everything went hunky dory (emphasis on the tight pants! I mean hunky!).

But now that Cyborg and Superman have destroyed the most dangerous threats in the Fortress, they stumble upon the even more dangerousest threat in the Fortress! Yes, it's somehow even more dangerous than the most dangerous threat!

Don't tell Cyborg to watch out! You're carrying him! YOU watch out!

Speaking of things that are worse than the worst thing, I always defeated my sister when we called each other names because she always went right for "You're the dumbest!" and I always responded with "You're dumber." No matter what she said to me, that was my response and she never seemed to be able to get a handle on it. She'd just escalate her response to something like "You're dumb times infinity!" And I'd just say, "You're dumber." She was dumb.

Batman and Superboy find the Kryptonite shard missing from the trophy room, so they wander around until Superboy is standing in the line of one of those lasers that will send him into a never-ending series of pocket dimensions. Superman doesn't want that to happen to him, so he dives in the way and disappears. Good thing he's still wearing the cape so Batman can track him. Can Batman track people in alternate dimensions? Fuck yeah! He built Brother Eye, didn't he? I think he did. I'm pretty sure he did!

Superman saves Superboy so what does Superboy do? He dives into the beam to save Superman! What a waste. I mean, what a hero!

Meanwhile in the Himilayas, this thing wakes up to say something stupid and unnecessary.

Why would the fucking Oracle need to heed your summons? It's all-knowing! It's omnipotent! It's omniscient! It doesn't need you to summon it, fuckface.

Superboy #16 Rating: No change. What the fuck happened to The Flash? He said he felt like he was running in molasses as he vibrated through the Fortress's walls but he still acknowledged that he was moving at super speed. But he never appeared in the comic book after that. So where did he go? Oh! His job was to save Supergirl so I bet he'll be in Supergirl #16! Hopefully that comic will be better than this one. This issue wasn't bad as far as the overall plot went. But the writing, as usual, was of eighth grade quality.

Deathstroke #16

Has Deathstroke displayed any healing powers so far in this comic? I know he sat in a tub of ice one time to feel better. But that's not quite the same as his Preboot healing powers.

The main thing I learned from reading last month's issue of Deathstroke was that I apparently dislike the New 52 version of Deathstroke. Maybe I dislike the Preboot version of Deathstroke too now that I'm older! Who knows? But I kept complaining about the writers on this title but the writers have apparently been awfully consistent. They all make him suck. Well, at least he's on a real mission this issue instead of battling yet another asshole trying to build his reputation. This issue, Deathstroke must kill Koschei the Deathless!

Actually, he has to trick Koschei into killing himself.

Deathstroke has just escaped nearly dying while getting all the information he needed to kill Koschei. He's now met his contact, Elena, and they're taking a break in the safe house.

Batman is obviously one of the three. But who else? Red Robin? Nightwing? Deadborn?

Elena has been preparing citizens of Sarvenia to overthrow Koschei's men once Koschei is killed by Deathstroke. I mean killed by himself. But until then, they have to hide in Elena's secret basement practicing killing guards with broken bottles and dodging bullets while throwing stones. In reality, they should all just take a fucking nap and let Deathstroke kill everybody that needs to be killed. I'm pretty sure he can do it. Just have a nice tub of ice ready for him when he gets done.

I think she just called Deathstroke a tool.

Deathstroke reveals his big plan to Elena: Elena will kill Koschei. Well fuck! Why didn't she think of that? He's only unkillable, right? Maybe Koschei said, "No man shall kill me!" so Deathstroke decided he'd pull a Lord of the Rings on Koschei and have a woman kill him! But then I looked back at the panels where Deathstroke intuited how to defeat Koschei and Koschei merely says, "No one." So I have no idea what Deathstroke's plan is except to maybe have the rebels act as a distraction.

Yep. Distraction it is!

After Koschei kills a dozen men, Deathstroke appears and cuts off Koschei's head. It doesn't take although if Deathstroke had stolen the head and thrown it in the river, Koschei would have been pretty well fucked. Instead, Deathstroke allows Koschei's body to put its head back on and continue the fight. It seems Deathstroke is trying to convince the people to keep fighting back until Koschei is driven away (or, maybe, killed) so he's showing them the damage that can be done to Koschei. What it really looks like he's doing is showing them what a true monster Koschei is and they should be right to be afraid of him! But I guess with the proper movie speech motivation, fear can be overcome!

I think this calls for separate jars. Lots and lots of little separate jars.

After the villagers are through mutilating Koschei, Deathstroke gives him one chance. One single chance to kill himself. If he doesn't, this will be his future. To be hacked to pieces on a constant basis. Butchered. Mutilated. Probably squicked on the odd occasion. Koschei decides to kill himself instead of having peasants touching him day in and day out.

And then Deathstroke gets a message from Peabody.

So what else is new?

Deathstroke #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Hey! Whattya know? This issue was the kind of thing I expect from a Deathstroke comic book! Except for that bit at the end where everybody is apparently trying to kill him. But maybe that's because of the hit that was made on him by that conglomerate of white business men (criminals!) that pooled their change to put a hit on Deathstroke. At least that hit makes sense because he's fucked up their business with his mercenary contracts, so they have an economic reason to be rid of Slade. I just hope the comic book stops being stupid. That's about as intellectual as I can get!

Suicide Squad #16

For a comic book that I once relied on to actually kill characters, this Suicide Squad is having real trouble keeping its members in the grave.

After commenting on last issue, I realized that I hadn't quite grasped the scope to which people hate The New 52 relaunch. But when I began to read that people were bitching about Floyd Lawton not having a mustache, it hit me. I finally realized that haters gonna hate. And nit. And pick. And moan. And whine. And bitch. You know, there are legitimate reasons to be upset about DC's New 52 for fans of the Preboot Universe. But Floyd Lawton's mustache? Let's not make the argument against The New 52 weaker by whinging on about superficial bullshit. I mean, by all means, whinge on about everything you want! I'm not The New 52 police and I'm definitely not the counsel for the defense of it. Pile on everything that's different as a "con." I just don't see how Floyd missing his mustache ruins the fucking experience. There are plenty of other things doing that already!

I guess every time a fan has to look at the face without a mustache standing next to skinny Amanda Waller and whore-costume Harley Quinn, it's like an ice pick to the heart and a reminder that this isn't the world they're used to. But I have a super secret super secret: I'm enjoying Suicide Squad. Here's a superer secret super secret: I enjoyed Keith Giffen's run on Suicide Squad and was severely disappointed when it came to an end! And here's the supererest secret super secret of all: I never read Gail Simone's The Secret Six! Now, now. Don't choke on your cheetos. I'll get around to it. It's just that before The New 52, I hadn't read many comic books for about eight years. Which is why I'm the target audience for DC's relaunch. A mega-fan that had wandered away from the flock during some history heavy years and now is back to enjoy a brand new start! So ha ha! I'm reveling in their welcome, embracing, Grifter-writing arms while they ignore your hurt feelings and shattered psyches!

Everyone loves a gloater, right? Do I have that right? I'm sure I have that right!

But how what? How did somebody put an orange shirt on you?

Last issue, this guy woke up from a bed in the hospital. It's weird that they highlighted this guy since we were also discovering that Deadshot was alive via a Narration Box. I don't even know who this guy is! I mean, if he had a mustache, I'd guess he's Floyd Lawton. Maybe this is Guy Gardner. Was Guy Gardner in the hospital for some reason? I think Guy Gardner was being arrested or something last time we saw him.

Harley Quinn is also in the hospital undergoing radical wrist cuteness reconstruction. She hurt her dainty little albino wrists while escaping from The Joker. I think she might also need foot surgery after walking from New Jersey to Louisiana after escaping. Unless she hitched a ride from one of the other escaped lunatics of Gotham.

"Oh my god. It's full of stars!"

What Deadshot was really curious about when he woke up was how he woke up. Since he shot himself through the heart to kill Regulus, Deadshot should be dead. But Amanda Waller has a secret project called Samsara that helps dead people come back to life. Just ask Harley Quinn after Deadshot shot her! A fact that I remember but Harley has conveniently forgotten due to the love hormones radiating out from her heart vagina.

Maybe she doesn't remember Deadshot's willingness to shoot her because Harleen Quinzel was still repressed at the time. Or maybe she's simply referring to this one moment because he was supposed to kill her this time due to hypnosis but couldn't as opposed to last time when he simply needed to maim her. Or perhaps his lack of mustache has caused her to not recognize him as Floyd Lawton. Or perhaps there's some other excuse that doesn't finish with "bad writing."

That scene above this sentence takes place in a flashback to Regulus's headquarters where Harley made sure that the other jerks in the Suicide Squad who only care about themselves took dead Deadshot with them when they evacuated the temple. She also wanted them to grab frozen El Diablo. And seriously maimed Iceberg. What kind of Suicide Squad is this? "Let's make sure everyone makes it back safely!" "Let's not leave anybody behind!" "Did everyone make it back on the bus? Head count!" "Did we remember to grab our umbrellas?"

Dr. Harleen Quinzel is going to be the death of the reputation of this team! They're committing suicide by teamwork! One for all and all for dead!

See? See what happens when you waste time gathering up the wounded?

The person that electrocuted Boomer and King Shark is Grey Lora last seen in Issue #4 (according to the editorial box. Thanks, R. G.!). She has an unhinged jaw and sharp teeth and a long tail with an electric stinger on the tip. She's the one that they traded Captain Boomerang to so that he could become a double agent. Or a double double agent. Or a triple agent? A quadruple agent? I don't know how that spy fuckery works.

Grey Lora knocks out Iceberg next which leaves Harley Quinn the only member still standing. But then Harley Quinn says, "It's on like Donkey Kong." And I no longer care if she lives or dies. Why do comic book writers not know when to not use stupid, shitty, retarded slang that never sounded good even when the first person who said it said it? I suppose she'll start using phrases like "mad on" and "like a champ" and whatever other phrases Scott Lobdell uses because he's hip to the teen lingo.

The rest of the fight is really annoying. A lot of poorly written quips from one to the other while Harley avoids pulling the guns from her holsters and just shooting the snake woman. Perhaps they're just clown props. But I know she doesn't ignore them because she's averse to killing Grey Lora.

Since that's what she, you know, ends up doing. Just like Jumpman defeated Donkey Kong! Maybe. I could never get past third elevators.

Harley then picks up one of the automatic rifles sitting on the ground (an AK-47 if my Call of Duty Edumickashun serves me good) and blows away the last of Regulus's army. And thus Harley Quinn saves the Suicide Squad! Booo! Let one of them die already!

Returning to the present, Floyd decides to pay Harley a visit. They kiss and then beat the shit out of each other because Harley knows Amanda is watching via their surveillance contact lenses that I'm assuming can't be removed. So it's all an act so that they can keep fucking each other in secret. But then Harley blows it by needing to tell Floyd why she's acting like a lunatic. As opposed to the way she normally acts.

So now Amanda has a record of Harley telling Floyd about the contact lenses! Dumb dumb! And whatever device helps Amanda hear what's being said as well. Audio Nostril Plugs?

I guess if they whisper, Amanda can't hear what they're saying because the microphones are right on their bodies. Does that make sense? I'm sure that makes sense somehow otherwise Amanda can hear everything they're saying to each other! Harley also tells Floyd that she's positive he was dead. And that she just got 36 stitches in her wrist (that's a lot of stitches for such a dainty wrist!) and now they're gone. And now she wants him to break her nose and they'll see how quickly that heals.

Meanwhile Iceberg has entered a state of metamorphosis and is living it up in a gigantic ice cocoon. Hopefully when he hatches he'll think up a better name than Iceberg. Maybe he'll name himself On the Rocks! And then he can team up with Lime! But not El Diablo because El Diablo has decided to be a Satanist or an Atheist or something even worse now that he's turned against God. Amanda is super happy about the change because, fuck, religious people are so annoying! Now Amanda won't have to listen to El Diablo moan about doing ungodly things with his burninating powers. Lastly, Amanda learns that Black Spider betrayed the Squad of his own illusionary free will.

Buddhists don't want anybody or anything! That's kind of the whole point!

So Amanda is going to send everyone on another mission to retrieve some mysterious package that's probably more trouble than he's worth. I mean, it's worth! I'm sure it's an it this time! The team is composed of Deadshot, Harley, King Shark, Yo Yo and one more jerk.

Goddammit! Didn't I just get done saying how stupid it is that nobody stays dead even in this comic book?! I think the only person actually killed so far in this thing was Lime Light! And she'll probably come back after this mission is over!

The mission is to steal something from the Chang Gang and kill their leader, Red Orchid. Otherwise known as Yo Yo's sister! Is that how Yo Yo is going to earn his comrades' respect? By killing his own sister? Enh, works for me!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: No change. I seriously considered dropping it a few ranks due to that fight scene between Grey Lora and Harley Quinn. Ugh. Painful. Be glad I glossed over the horrible dialogue. And I also thought it should drop a rank for bringing back Voltaic. But he has been brought back brain dead (or close to it), so that's okay. Maybe. But I like that Yo Yo is back and a member of the team. Oh! I also didn't like Harley and Deadshot whispering to avoid Amanda hearing them when the bugs are right on their own bodies. That was pretty stupid.

You know what? On second thought, let me do that rating thing over!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is about killing characters not about creating a Resurrection Potion to keep them alive so they can be rekilled over and over again! It's like this comic book was castrated. The whole fun of this comic is feeding B-list characters a bullet! Also, I'm still upset that Adam Glass killed Lime instead of Light. What a fucking missed opportunity to have a super villain running around named Lime. Makes no Goddamn sense! Which is why it would be beautiful!

Frankenstein, Agent of SHADE #16

Shit happens and destroys everything.

Simply hating (and despising, etc.) Savage Hawkman alone didn't end Savage Hawkman's agonizingly depressing existence. Seems historically, asinine DC executed some half-assed decisions. Ending S.H.A.D.E. shows how, again, DC expresses sheer hatred against dedicated enthusiasts.

Yeah, I'm going to stop with that because I'm just going to sound more and more illiterate as I try to force myself to stick with that pattern. I just couldn't resist since Savage Hawkman sets up that mini-SHADE-rant so nicely! But that last sentence? Ugh. Forgive me!

The final issue of Frankenstein begins in a Central City not currently full of monkeys. Maybe Keystone City was full of monkeys. Maybe both cities were full of monkeys. Why did DC even bother to keep both cities? They were basically the same city but on two different Earths. Were they that important that they couldn't be merged? You know what? Let's fuck Silver Scarab and Power Girl and Jade and Obsidian and all of the other Infinity, Inc kids in the ass but we can't lose Central City! (Some of you less sensitive people might be thinking, "Hey! I bet Obsidian loved being fucked in the ass!" Shame on you! DC does not fuck people in the ass gently or with consent!) Perhaps there are some stories I don't know about that were essential to keeping these two cities on one Earth but I doubt it since if I don't know about it, who fucking cares? Amirite?! This is where we high five and then look awkward and embarrassed that we partook of that form of social bonding until we both decide we did it ironically and thus can live with ourselves once again.

A bunch of freaky-deaky weirdos (no offense to freaky-deaky weirdos) have gathered to be weird and freaky underneath the Devil's Watertower.

Holy fuck these weirdos are freaky! Hey freaky weirdos! Put on some fucking suits and get jobs already! You slacker layabouts with your "art" and your "writings" and your "above average sense of self and consciousness"! At least get off the streets so you stop making people stuck in rote, meaningless existences feel insecure about their rote, meaningless existences! Jerks!

Once these weirdos are done squeezing weird blobs out of their orifices (I could probably make a really funny bathroom humor joke here, right?!), The Monster Bomb shoots out of the Devil's Watertower and rockets toward the streets of Keystral City! The freaks begin a celebration that mostly involves shoving their fists into the air and acting smug. But then Frankenstein shows up and they lower their fists and swallow their smugness. I'm thinking they might also end up swallowing a few teeth. And maybe their fists!

Meanwhile, a normal guy in a suit (hooray! He must be the hero!) that works for Homeland Security (boo! He must be the anti-hero!) Narration Boxes the last five years of his life in one page. Oh my fucking Chaos. That is the saddest thing ever! This poor suit's entire life fills up exactly eight Narration Boxes! Those evil freaks are once again flaunting their free-wheeling, living large at everyone else's expense attitudes! They think they can just go around calling themselves The Plague and hacking computers and dropping dirty bombs and high-fiving each other for fucking the status quo in the ear without anybody getting hurt? Well now someone has gotten hurt! Mr. Homeland Security! He's spent five years watching these guys party it up all over Europe and become virus monsters while living in Castle Frankenstein and all he got to do was sit in a comfortable chair drinking coffee. What assholes!

But this normal guy (that I'm beginning to suspect is a little weird himself) is really happy that he's about to catch The Plague. But then Frankenstein and Velcoro and whatever the fuck the Wolfman's name was (Griffith! They mention it later!) crash the party and ruin the normal guy's big chance at an even bigger promotion.

More freaks! Can't a normal guy catch a fucking break?

The normal suit finally realizes he wasted the last five years of his life watching freaks party across Europe because now some other freaks (including a Mummy!) have crashed his office party and xeroxed their monstrous ding dongs (monstrous in look and not in size. Although I can't imagine Victor Frankenstein chose a tiny ding dong for his Monster!). But the normal guy notices the Monster Bomb while Frank and his Creature Commandos are too busy eviscerating and decapitating the members of The Plague. So maybe he can still be a hero! A normal everyday working stiff hero! Go Team Human! You've always been so much better than Team Vampire and Team Werewolf! Team Human was smart enough not to get involved with that klutzy, narcissistic Bella! Three cheers for Team Human!

The suit manages to run outside of his van screaming, "NO NO NO!" and into the streets before his heroic charge ends and the bomb explodes. I think the bomb is going to turn him into a freaky-deaky weirdo and he's going to love it!

Meanwhile earlier in the day (can I say that? Does that make sense?), Frankenstein and the Creature Commandos get their mission from little girl Father Time to stop The Plague from setting off a dirty monster-bomb. As opposed to a dirty-monster bomb. If there is, in fact, any difference between the two. Before they catch up to the part of the comic book I already read, Nina sets off the B.I.G.F.O.O.T. to keep any nearby surveillance equipment from recording their images. This is the part of the Frankenstein comic book where I try to guess what one of their stupid acronyms mean!

Let's see. It stops surveillance equipment. So it must stand for Blackout Inducing Goblins Farting Over Old Tape. I bet I'm pretty close!

I'd rather use the farting goblins.

From Frankenstein's perspective, the reader gets to see that before killing The Plague members, he had Velcoro drop him on the Monster Bomb because his blood will somehow negate the virus inside. He brought some explosives strapped to his chest to blow himself up so that his blood can mix with the virus. This seems like a play out of Batman's recent playbook! Shower the city with blood (and possibly piss).

He survives the blast and then is dropped on the rooftop to kill weirdos. The timing and sequence of everything seems all over the place but since this is Frankenstein's final issue, let's just chalk it up to Nina's use of the B.I.G.F.O./O.T.!

And with the blessings of freak on freak crime, the normal guys win again! HOORAY?

Although the normal suit doesn't get a promotion or a raise or glory or a pat on the back. He simply gets a paid leave of absence while he recovers form his fatigue-induced insanity. That's even better than a promotion!

Frankensteing, Agent of S.H.A.D.E. #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. I had know idea the Homeland Security guy was going to be in this comic book when I began my freaks versus normal theme but I'm glad he was so that it made a coherent story, even if nobody has any idea what this issue was actually about after reading my commentary! Ha ha ha! Now DC's lawyers can't argue that I'm spoiling their comic books and cutting into their profits by exposing the story of every issue they publish each month. Sorry to see you go, Frank! Although you'll probably be hanging about in Justice League Dark from now on. So I'm actually sorry to see Khalis and Griffith go. Velcoro and Nina can go stuff toilets for all I care!

I'm sorry, Velcoro and Nina. I'll miss you too!