Suicide Squad #16

For a comic book that I once relied on to actually kill characters, this Suicide Squad is having real trouble keeping its members in the grave.

After commenting on last issue, I realized that I hadn't quite grasped the scope to which people hate The New 52 relaunch. But when I began to read that people were bitching about Floyd Lawton not having a mustache, it hit me. I finally realized that haters gonna hate. And nit. And pick. And moan. And whine. And bitch. You know, there are legitimate reasons to be upset about DC's New 52 for fans of the Preboot Universe. But Floyd Lawton's mustache? Let's not make the argument against The New 52 weaker by whinging on about superficial bullshit. I mean, by all means, whinge on about everything you want! I'm not The New 52 police and I'm definitely not the counsel for the defense of it. Pile on everything that's different as a "con." I just don't see how Floyd missing his mustache ruins the fucking experience. There are plenty of other things doing that already!

I guess every time a fan has to look at the face without a mustache standing next to skinny Amanda Waller and whore-costume Harley Quinn, it's like an ice pick to the heart and a reminder that this isn't the world they're used to. But I have a super secret super secret: I'm enjoying Suicide Squad. Here's a superer secret super secret: I enjoyed Keith Giffen's run on Suicide Squad and was severely disappointed when it came to an end! And here's the supererest secret super secret of all: I never read Gail Simone's The Secret Six! Now, now. Don't choke on your cheetos. I'll get around to it. It's just that before The New 52, I hadn't read many comic books for about eight years. Which is why I'm the target audience for DC's relaunch. A mega-fan that had wandered away from the flock during some history heavy years and now is back to enjoy a brand new start! So ha ha! I'm reveling in their welcome, embracing, Grifter-writing arms while they ignore your hurt feelings and shattered psyches!

Everyone loves a gloater, right? Do I have that right? I'm sure I have that right!

But how what? How did somebody put an orange shirt on you?

Last issue, this guy woke up from a bed in the hospital. It's weird that they highlighted this guy since we were also discovering that Deadshot was alive via a Narration Box. I don't even know who this guy is! I mean, if he had a mustache, I'd guess he's Floyd Lawton. Maybe this is Guy Gardner. Was Guy Gardner in the hospital for some reason? I think Guy Gardner was being arrested or something last time we saw him.

Harley Quinn is also in the hospital undergoing radical wrist cuteness reconstruction. She hurt her dainty little albino wrists while escaping from The Joker. I think she might also need foot surgery after walking from New Jersey to Louisiana after escaping. Unless she hitched a ride from one of the other escaped lunatics of Gotham.

"Oh my god. It's full of stars!"

What Deadshot was really curious about when he woke up was how he woke up. Since he shot himself through the heart to kill Regulus, Deadshot should be dead. But Amanda Waller has a secret project called Samsara that helps dead people come back to life. Just ask Harley Quinn after Deadshot shot her! A fact that I remember but Harley has conveniently forgotten due to the love hormones radiating out from her heart vagina.

Maybe she doesn't remember Deadshot's willingness to shoot her because Harleen Quinzel was still repressed at the time. Or maybe she's simply referring to this one moment because he was supposed to kill her this time due to hypnosis but couldn't as opposed to last time when he simply needed to maim her. Or perhaps his lack of mustache has caused her to not recognize him as Floyd Lawton. Or perhaps there's some other excuse that doesn't finish with "bad writing."

That scene above this sentence takes place in a flashback to Regulus's headquarters where Harley made sure that the other jerks in the Suicide Squad who only care about themselves took dead Deadshot with them when they evacuated the temple. She also wanted them to grab frozen El Diablo. And seriously maimed Iceberg. What kind of Suicide Squad is this? "Let's make sure everyone makes it back safely!" "Let's not leave anybody behind!" "Did everyone make it back on the bus? Head count!" "Did we remember to grab our umbrellas?"

Dr. Harleen Quinzel is going to be the death of the reputation of this team! They're committing suicide by teamwork! One for all and all for dead!

See? See what happens when you waste time gathering up the wounded?

The person that electrocuted Boomer and King Shark is Grey Lora last seen in Issue #4 (according to the editorial box. Thanks, R. G.!). She has an unhinged jaw and sharp teeth and a long tail with an electric stinger on the tip. She's the one that they traded Captain Boomerang to so that he could become a double agent. Or a double double agent. Or a triple agent? A quadruple agent? I don't know how that spy fuckery works.

Grey Lora knocks out Iceberg next which leaves Harley Quinn the only member still standing. But then Harley Quinn says, "It's on like Donkey Kong." And I no longer care if she lives or dies. Why do comic book writers not know when to not use stupid, shitty, retarded slang that never sounded good even when the first person who said it said it? I suppose she'll start using phrases like "mad on" and "like a champ" and whatever other phrases Scott Lobdell uses because he's hip to the teen lingo.

The rest of the fight is really annoying. A lot of poorly written quips from one to the other while Harley avoids pulling the guns from her holsters and just shooting the snake woman. Perhaps they're just clown props. But I know she doesn't ignore them because she's averse to killing Grey Lora.

Since that's what she, you know, ends up doing. Just like Jumpman defeated Donkey Kong! Maybe. I could never get past third elevators.

Harley then picks up one of the automatic rifles sitting on the ground (an AK-47 if my Call of Duty Edumickashun serves me good) and blows away the last of Regulus's army. And thus Harley Quinn saves the Suicide Squad! Booo! Let one of them die already!

Returning to the present, Floyd decides to pay Harley a visit. They kiss and then beat the shit out of each other because Harley knows Amanda is watching via their surveillance contact lenses that I'm assuming can't be removed. So it's all an act so that they can keep fucking each other in secret. But then Harley blows it by needing to tell Floyd why she's acting like a lunatic. As opposed to the way she normally acts.

So now Amanda has a record of Harley telling Floyd about the contact lenses! Dumb dumb! And whatever device helps Amanda hear what's being said as well. Audio Nostril Plugs?

I guess if they whisper, Amanda can't hear what they're saying because the microphones are right on their bodies. Does that make sense? I'm sure that makes sense somehow otherwise Amanda can hear everything they're saying to each other! Harley also tells Floyd that she's positive he was dead. And that she just got 36 stitches in her wrist (that's a lot of stitches for such a dainty wrist!) and now they're gone. And now she wants him to break her nose and they'll see how quickly that heals.

Meanwhile Iceberg has entered a state of metamorphosis and is living it up in a gigantic ice cocoon. Hopefully when he hatches he'll think up a better name than Iceberg. Maybe he'll name himself On the Rocks! And then he can team up with Lime! But not El Diablo because El Diablo has decided to be a Satanist or an Atheist or something even worse now that he's turned against God. Amanda is super happy about the change because, fuck, religious people are so annoying! Now Amanda won't have to listen to El Diablo moan about doing ungodly things with his burninating powers. Lastly, Amanda learns that Black Spider betrayed the Squad of his own illusionary free will.

Buddhists don't want anybody or anything! That's kind of the whole point!

So Amanda is going to send everyone on another mission to retrieve some mysterious package that's probably more trouble than he's worth. I mean, it's worth! I'm sure it's an it this time! The team is composed of Deadshot, Harley, King Shark, Yo Yo and one more jerk.

Goddammit! Didn't I just get done saying how stupid it is that nobody stays dead even in this comic book?! I think the only person actually killed so far in this thing was Lime Light! And she'll probably come back after this mission is over!

The mission is to steal something from the Chang Gang and kill their leader, Red Orchid. Otherwise known as Yo Yo's sister! Is that how Yo Yo is going to earn his comrades' respect? By killing his own sister? Enh, works for me!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: No change. I seriously considered dropping it a few ranks due to that fight scene between Grey Lora and Harley Quinn. Ugh. Painful. Be glad I glossed over the horrible dialogue. And I also thought it should drop a rank for bringing back Voltaic. But he has been brought back brain dead (or close to it), so that's okay. Maybe. But I like that Yo Yo is back and a member of the team. Oh! I also didn't like Harley and Deadshot whispering to avoid Amanda hearing them when the bugs are right on their own bodies. That was pretty stupid.

You know what? On second thought, let me do that rating thing over!

Suicide Squad #16 Rating: -2 Ranking. This comic book is about killing characters not about creating a Resurrection Potion to keep them alive so they can be rekilled over and over again! It's like this comic book was castrated. The whole fun of this comic is feeding B-list characters a bullet! Also, I'm still upset that Adam Glass killed Lime instead of Light. What a fucking missed opportunity to have a super villain running around named Lime. Makes no Goddamn sense! Which is why it would be beautiful!

Suicide Squad #13

I'm so sick of that fucking Arrow banner across the top of every single comic. You know, the one I always crop out of every cover? You're welcome.

Fuck. Seeing Duane Swierczynski's name on the front of this book just gave me a stomach ache. It's not that I'm championing Adam Glass as the great writer of Suicide Squad. It's just that Duane was writing Birds of Prey and that comic book was a confusing, shitty mess. Even people who liked the comic because they loved the characters eventually had their bias worn away by his horrible story and came to see the crapfest that was Birds of Prey. And now here he is to defecate all over the Suicide Squad. What's even more disturbing is that Adam Glass left the Squad in a pretty major cliffhanger at the end of Issue #12. So did he just abandon his story to let Duane guess at the way it should end? Or did Duane approach the editors and say, "Dudes and Dudettes! I've got a great idea for how Glass's story should end!" And they all applauded and let him take over the story by introducing a surprise plot element about how all the members of the Suicide Squad were actually clones? Or perhaps the story Glass was telling was really just the editor's idea anyway, so Glass said, "Fuck this! I'm done writing your stupid story!" and took off, leaving Duane to step in and write the editor's story for him.

I don't know anything! All I know is Duane Swierczynski, you better fucking clean up your act and write like the novelist you supposedly are. This comic was at least passable (probably because I enjoyed the characters and was ignoring any really horrible faults with it just like I accused the Birds of Prey fans for doing!) so the bar isn't that high for you to come in and make it better! Good luck, sir!

And Duane starts off with a big twist that just makes me mutter, "Oh my god." And I don't even have one!

The big twist is that Black Spider is the traitor except the traitor isn't Black Spider!

I guess the trigger word that caused the rest of the Squad to turn on Deadshot and Harley also cause them to stand in silent confusion when the speaker of the trigger loses his brains all over the floor. Someone should also tell the artist that Iceberg doesn't have glowing ice powers that come out of his specially treated gloves. He needs to remover his stupid gloves to touch things and turn them into ice. And where's unconscious Captain Boomerang? At least show him lying at their feet. I put him in the Tumblr Tags so he needs to appear or people searching for him will be disappointed.

The reason this Black Spider isn't actually Black Spider is because the real Black Spider is the one holding Amanda Waller's grandmother hostage. So this Black Spider was simply a plant to distract the Squad so they wouldn't suspect what Basilisk's real plan was: to go after Waller. So I take back my muttering from earlier. This actually wasn't such a bad moment after all. Nice recovery, Duane. Deadshot even explains to Harley that the fake Black Spider was so convincing that he wasn't completely sure that he wasn't Black Spider until the fake didn't dodge his bullet. Black Spider can dodge bullets? Damn!

And back in Louisiana, Amanda Waller begins negotiating with the real Black Spider. At least I think it's the real Black Spider! Who knows now? Amanda stalls him long enough so that her grandmother can get the jump on him. So he can dodge bullets but not Grandman reflexes? What a chump!

Um. Wait a second. Writer: Adam Glass?

Fucking DC and their lousy editorial team. I guess I have to take back all of my worries about Duane Swierczynski ruining this title! Adam Glass is still the writer! Mediocrity has been restored! I should also take back that sentence where I said, "Nice recovery, Duane," since it was Adam who made a nice recovery. Unless the cover actually had the correct attribution. Who the fuck can tell? Does anybody at DC have any fucking idea what they're doing anymore?!

After Black Spider is shocked, Amanda tries to shoot him. But before the bullets can splatter his brains on Nana's gaudy wallpaper, Black Spider throws down his ninja smoke bombs and disappears. It is the real Black Spider! He dodged bullets!

Amanda and her grandma try to make it to their safe room full of automatic weapons and hard candy. But Black Spider does his ninja thing and reappears. There's a back and forth struggle in which Amanda ends up on top and is ready to shoot Black Spider when a bunch of Basilisk Agents crash through the window. Why this prevents Amanda from pulling the trigger one time before she runs, I can't guess. Maybe because she wanted to wait until she was well drawn before she immortalized the moment of Black Spider's death.

Just kind of phoning it in at this point, aren't you Cliff?

Back at the Basilisk Compound, Deadshot and Harley Quinn are running for their lives. The flee down some stairs only to be confronted by the brainwashed members of the Squad. I guess being brainwashed comes with elevator privileges. Harley and Deadshot engage in some awkward conversation that may or may not be flirting. Whatever it is, it's cheesy dialogue. But it's soon forgotten as the comic makes me laugh out loud in the next few panels. And I'm not laughing with it.

The first thing I would do when converting an ancient stone structure into my super villain headquarters is install fire hoses throughout. Safety first!

It would have been more believable if Harley had simply pissed on his head as she somersaulted over him. Also more adorable! What's cuter than an incontinent gymnast? Amirite?

Deadshot gives up on his gun because the bullets just melt as they approach El Diablo's face. So he picks up a sword as Iceberg finally remembers he needs to take his gloves off of his hands to be at all effective. And since that last sentence I wrote has both "sword" and "hands" in it, you should be able to guess what happens next.

Oh stop bitching! Just put some ice on it! HA HA!

Question! Since Iceberg turns things to ice by touching them, is El Diablo dead now? Because he's all ice, right? Or does it not turn him into solid ice? Perhaps just the top layer of his epidermis was converted. Still a bad situation, right? And again, since Iceberg needs to touch things to turn them to ice, he's now at half-effectiveness with one hand! Way to go, Deadshot! Maybe they can reattach his hand since they can keep everything nice and cold until they can find a medic.

Iceberg seems to take the loss of a hand fairly well. Perhaps it's because he's in shock. But now that the team is all back to normal, they're ready to go after Regulus. And that's when Captain Boomerang arrives! He probably regained consciousness a long time ago and has been waiting for things to calm down before stepping out from around the corner where he's been cowering for the first half of this comic book. But now he's ready to lead them to Regulus!

Back in Louisiana, Black Spider blows down the wall of the safe house crushing Amanda's Nana just as she was explaining to Amanda that she kicked young Amanda out of her house in Chicago because she loved her so much. And her awesome plan of sending Amanda onto the streets so that she doesn't end up on the streets worked! She ended up in a loving home with lots of opportunities to become a cold hearted assassin! Amanda then proceeds to defeat Black Spider with her Team Seven know-how and her high heel shoes.

Back back in Basilisk's compound, Regulus finally makes an appearance. This time, Harley Quinn has been reprogrammed to shoot the shit out of everyone. She's not as good with guns as she is with over-sized hammers, so she doesn't manage to kill anyone. But she distracts Deadshot enough so that in one panel he's twenty feet in front of her with Regulus behind her and in the next panel, Regulus has grabbed Deadshot from behind. That's good cover fire!

Deadshot takes the name of the group literally!

Please. Deadshot has been shot up so many times, I think he thrives on it. The Next Issue Blurb says, "Guess who's coming to a funeral?" Well, since Suicide Squad is crossing over with Death of the Family, it's obviously referring to The Joker. But it's the funeral part that's the misleading piece. Glass is trying to make it look like it'll be a Deadshot funeral but this is Suicide Squad! Deadshot isn't going anywhere. And there are so many other people to choose from for a funeral! Black Spider. El Diablo. Nana!

Suicide Squad #13 Rating: +1 Ranking. I don't know if Swierczynski or Glass wrote this issue. But I liked it even though I don't like Harley's attachment to Deadshot (although it's probably more of a Doctor Harleen attachment since she's kind of both personalities right now) and the fire hose in the ancient ruins was just ridiculous. I know they probably outfitted the place with computers and high tech shit and elevators and air conditioning and television lounges. But system of hoses to put out burning blocks of stone? Seems low on the priority list.