Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)

Timber Wolf #2 (December 1992)
By Al Gordon, Joe Phillips, Bob Pinaha, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Joe Phillips and Al Gordon
Edited by Eddie Berganza and KC Carlson

Timber Wolf (Timby to his friends) has an anger problem. I don't know if he had an anger problem before Aria transformed him into the werewolf he is now and transported him to the 20th Century. It seems that before this mini-series, he was not a full blown werewolf. I don't know. Maybe he was? I think he was just a skinny little emo twat who had extra fast reflexes and extra strength from his father shooting him up with Zoon beams. But that's all boring standard Legion fare so he needed a cool Wolverine/Lobo update for the '90s! Now he's angry and vicious and has a huge cock. You can argue about the cock but if you were a horny twelve year old who's halfway to becoming God and you transformed the only guy you were hanging out with, wouldn't you make his cock massive?

Aside from having to learn to live with a floppy gourd between his legs, Timber Wolf also has to learn to get along with Lobo's bastard son, the half-Durlan Thrust. Lobo's wanted for about a billion crimes across the galaxy but naming his son Thrust might be the grossest thing he's ever done. I love Lobo and my eyes keep trying to look at him sideways over that name. Thrust is kind of a pussy but that's because his mother was a Durlan. That means he's a shapechanger and if you were a horny young male who had the power to shapechange, wouldn't you try changing into a pussy every now and then? I'm pretty sure if I were a Durlan, I would have invented the fleshlight. I mean my left hand would have constantly been a pussy. Maybe a mouth sometimes. Oh! And a butthole!

Thrust and Timber Wolf have gone off on their own to search for Aria because they're bad boys who don't follow the rules. Their first stop: a bar called The Gene Pool where newly created supers hang out. That's because Captain Flag is there and the only clue they have is that he's involved with Aria's disappearance somehow.

Thrust drinks soda and gets horny over feet. No wonder Lobo doesn't want anything to do with him.

Captain Flag makes himself known on the next page by throwing Thrust through the front window. Captain Flag's costume consists of an American eagle codpiece and some other stuff I can't describe because I just kept staring at the codpiece. It's massive!

Ew. I don't know what the third thing he smells is yet but it's almost certainly something that's going to make me retch.

I'm not going to reveal what the third thing Timby smells is because it's too gross even for one of my comic book commentaries. All I'll say is that it's a smell that I can't seem to get out of my sheets.

The battle lasts for the rest of the issue because Al Gordon isn't just a writer; he's an artist! Of course he's going to write a comic book that's mostly big battles and sexy butts! Captain Flag gets away but not before Timber Wolf smelled a fourth smell on him: Aria!

See that expression? He is Lobo's kid!

In the end, we discover that Aria was kidnapped by a Dominator who's also controlling the head of Point Force. Not Jesse! The other guy whose name I don't know. And I'll never know it because I don't own Issue #3 and I'll never re-read the first two issues again to figure it out! Oh well. I hope Thrust went on to live a happy life full of soda pop and sexy feet because I don't think he really made much of an impact past this mini-series. He did make it into the version of the DC Who's Who that was perforated pages with holes punched down the side to stick in a binder. I definitely have his page but I'd have to dig it out. Maybe when I get around to continuing my series on Who's Who entries!

The Ranking!
It had a really nice lady ass, a guy mimicking a Lobo expression, and a guy with a massive American eagle codpiece. What more could you want out of a comic book? Oh, that's right. Having it not be based around Legion of Super-heroes characters! Oh, come on! Don't get upset with me, Legion fans! I'm just an ignorant asshole who never read Legion at that time of my life where I would have been completely sucked into their teenage horned-up drama! My adolescent Legion of Super-heroes was Degrassi Junior High! The original, baby! I remember when they began The Next Generation. Man, I was so annoyed by it. I was all, "Look at how good looking all the actors are! This isn't like real life at all! So stupid! The original had boys and girls whose level of attractiveness was all over the place, mostly the lower place (minus, you know, Caitlin Ryan. Rrrrow!). But then I discovered that the main character was little Emma, Spike's daughter, and I was all, "What the fuck?! Spike is in this?! And she's with Snake?! There's continuity with the original!" And then I watched it and fell in love with it as well. Especially because Caitlin was in it!

Timber Wolf #1 (November 1992)

Timber Wolf #1 (November 1992)
By Al Gordon, Joe Phillips, John Workman Jr, and Tom McCraw
Cover by Joe Phillips
Edited by Michael Eury

The Cover
The logo, like the werewolf, is trying way too hard. Look at how dynamic it is! With all the jagged lines, blaring red borders, and crazy long ends! It's like if an infected wolf gouge were a logo! That's probably what they were going for, right? So I get the concept. But it's — and this is a technical term used by the better art critics — fucking garbage. Also the werewolf, like the logo, is coming on too strong. He's all, "Hey, buddy! I asked you if you had a cigarette." And I scream "I don't have one!" as I cower and piss myself. Then he's all, "I saw you smoking one last week!" And I whimper, "I think it was cold. That was just my breath!" Then I have to suck his dick to calm him down but I forget that some of my fillings are silver and his lycanthropic penis breaks out into huge blisters and he's all, "You just gave me herpes!" Also now I'm a werewolf because I swallowed a little pre-cum.

So anyway, that's what the cover says to me. Maybe that says less about the cover and more about my werewolf fetish.

The Story
I've never been a Legion of Super-heroes reader. I don't even know if it's "Super-heroes" or "Superheroes" or "Stupid-zeroes". The only time I ever read it was during The New 52 when I had to because I was reading everything (I know, I know. "I had to" isn't the load bearing wall I'm pretending it is. A load of Superboy fans on tumblr never could understand why I kept reading that shit). So it's a mystery — other than my werewolf fetish — why I purchased this comic book. I also purchased the second issue. But I must have been sexually satisfied after that because I decided not to buy the final three issues of the mini-series. Hopefully it's just as terrible as I'm assuming it's going to be or I'm going to be dying to find out what happens! I mean that literally. I will buy the last three issues only over my dying and/or dead body.

I'd also like to state before going any further: Seth Green nearly destroyed my werewolf fetish. Gross. Not interested. Sorry, Seth! It's not meant as a personal insult. I just need a big bulky furry snarl-bro looming over me and not a yippy little motherfucker I can hold back with one hand as I unsuccessfully try to get my limp dick hard.

Okay, you know what? That did sound personal. Sorry again!

Wait a second. Did Lobo have a kid already back in 1992?!

I don't know who this Thrust character is but I suspected he was Lobo's kid from this first panel. A page or two later, he says "Frag" and he casually mentions how his "father doesn't work that way" when trying to figure out why Timber Wolf, obviously from the far reaches of space (if not time) due to speaking Interlac, was Earth. You don't have a character with space clown make-up on one eye say "frag" and then mention their father without knowing that every Lobo-lover reading the book will jump to that conclusion. It also makes sense that Lobo's daughter is called Crush when we realize his son was named Thrust. Does he name all of his kids while he's in the middle of creating them?

Apparently this series spun-off from Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3 which makes it an even bigger mystery as to why I purchased this comic book. No, wait, we already settled that. The fetish.

Oh shit. Maybe I picked this up because I'd heard the rumor that Lobo's son appeared in Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3 and this spun-off from that?! That would make sense if I owned Legion of Super-Heroes Annual #3. But I don't. So, never mind. Back to the fetish.

Jackass?! Now hold on a minute!

The "you're father is a piece of shit" jokes continue for a few more pages because, I guess, Lobo, even when unnamed, is way more entertaining than any characters from Legion of Super-Heroes. I probably stopped reading this book after two issues because you really need to have read the annual that led to this and probably need to know at least one or two things about the history of the Legion of Super-Heroes. The only thing I know by page 9 is that Thrust is Lobo's son, everybody thinks Lobo is a fucking joke, and Aria, Timber Wolf's companion, has a great ass.

No thanks.

Since Aria doesn't want to live a life on the run in 20th Century Earth, she convinces Timber Wolf to surrender to Thrust and his pal, Jesse. They're with a secret government organization that isn't Task Force X or Checkmate or Argus or the Department of Extranormal Operations. They run a task force called "Point Force". Jesse gets clearance to invite Timber Wolf to the team but I'm not sure it includes the woman with the terrific ass.

Um, I mean, uh, the twelve year old girl in a woman's body with the ass I've become super uncomfortable around now? Christ, DC Comics. Why the fuck do you have to keep up-aging girls and boys into super attractive adults?! No wonder Gerard Jones was so interested in working for y'all!

As Timber Wolf's about ready to join the team, he learns that Aria has been kidnapped from Jesse's office. So instead of joining, he beats the crap out of everybody within arm's reach. The whole misunderstanding leads to Jesse taking a plasma bolt in the shoulder to protect Timber Wolf so that Timber Wolf can trust him and join Point Force. So most of this issue was composed of fight scenes to set up the foundation of the series: Timber Wolf has settled in with a team comprised of Lobo's son and some other mysterious heroes not yet introduced. And the point of it all? To rescue Aria who was kidnapped right out from under their noses. So this entire mini-series could have been avoided if Timber Wolf and Aria had just decided to remain on the run instead of shacking up with this hillbilly Suicide Squad.

The issue ends on the reveal of, I guess, another team member: Captain Flag.

Yeesh. I really had forgotten how influential Lobo really was in 1992.

Captain Flag really is just Lobo with an American patriot reskin. So gross!

The Ranking!
I can't say it wasn't entertaining. It was a quick read due to over half of it being fight scenes. And I learned about Lobo's kid Thrust! How come that didn't stick in my memory? Was I too dimwitted at 21 to understand they were talking about Lobo? Did I even read this comic book back then? That's a possibility and explains why I only purchased two issues. By the time the third came out, I'd realized I hadn't read the first two off my stack and just gave up on it. Or I could have been saving them to read after all five came out but had forgotten the series existed by the time the third issue hit the shelves. Now if only Lobo had appeared in it, I would have several copies of every issue!

I want to fuck Lobo so bad!

Legion Lost #16

I'm actually curious to see how this all ends.

I'm not curious as to how it begins though! It'll be a single splash page with seven or eight Narration Boxes on it. It'll begin by introducing on of the Legion members and giving a short description of their origin and/or powers. My guess is it'll be Gates because he's off trying to save everyone with a Time Bubble.

Holy crap! Tom DeFalco changed up his style! I'm flabbergasted!

So the first page was different; it doesn't mean it was good. I really wish these idiots would stop and think for a moment about how this bullshit doesn't make any sense. They're trying to make sure Captain Adym's timeline continues to exist which means they'll save the untold quintillions of people that make up the population of the time between now and the 31st century. But by establishing that specific timeline, they're laying waste to an infinite amount of other timelines. Which means they're killing infinity times untold quintillions of people just to selfishly save their own timeline. Fuck them.

Now, I don't have a problem with them trying to save their timeline. Fuck. Might as well go for it. But don't act like you're doing something righteous! You're murdering all of that other potential, you dumb bastards!

Once Harvest shoves Adym in the Time Bubble and shoots him back into the past, he and his Ravagers beat a hasty retreat since they don't want to be around when Adym sets off his singularity bomb. I guess Adym had to make sure that he didn't set the bomb off until an hour and ten minutes passed while he sat within the force-field, otherwise he would have fucked up his own timeline or something. You know, killing untold quintillions.

Meanwhile, Superboy continues to impress me.

I hope he never breaks free from Harvest's mind control! This is so much easier to listen to than his pouting about who he is and why he was created and what could his purpose be.

Harvest and Leash teleport into the force field and pick up an item that Harvest just gave to Captain Adym. Is this thing going to be like Locke's compass in Lost? Forever stuck in a loop of time to be handed back and forth between two people? Or could it be one person?!

Good. No more fucking knowing every fucking thing that is going to fucking happen.

Meanwhile Gates is pondering coming back to help even though he knows he's going to come back to help since he told Timber Wolf he already saw this shit go down and they all die. It's probably because he ended up here when he disappeared way back in the first issue and then returned all fucked up.

Gates does return and enters the force field just in time to run into original Gates from way back when. New Gates plan is to have Original Gates get his face burnt half-off while New Gates opens up a portal to a black hole to suck Lord Daggor and Thraxx and their world ending machine into it, thus saving the world without a singularity being blown up.

Speaking of which, what happened to Captain Adym? Wasn't he supposed to blow this shit up?

And thus he goes back in time to form N.O.W.H.E.R.E. Right?

So Captain Adym ends up being Harvest. I don't like that DeFalco tried to give him some kind of motivation to be angry at the Legionnaires simply because they wouldn't help him explode a bomb though. He acts as if they betrayed him. So does that anger toward them cause him to create NOWHERE? Or does he create NOWHERE to be "better prepared" for the fight against Daggor. Does he know at that moment when he goes back in time that he's Harvest or will he have to figure that out later when he gets in the horrible accident that gives him a gigantic mouth and teeth the size of jawbreakers? Once he realizes it though, he will use his old self's motivation to save the "untold quintillions" into tricking that old self into going back in time so Harvest can continue to exist. So he'll direct events toward that meeting in the desert which is why Harvest knows what to do. Because he was there as Captain Adym and Harvest is just repeating what Harvest did when Harvest was Captain Adym. So basically Harvest's entire motivation was to make sure that Harvest existed. Just like I've been saying! Except for the part about Harvest being Vampire Tim Drake.

Finally, everything blows up and gets sucked into the black hole with Gates. Harvest and his men flee but to buy themselves time, they drop Wildfire's original containment suit which Wildfire's energy instantly fills. And Dawnstar is happy to see him even though she was free to fuck Timber Wolf if he hadn't returned. And everyone lived happily ever after. In the past.

Except wasn't Tyroc supposed to die? I think I still have a few pages left to read! Maybe he'll be bitten by a rattlesnake and keel over dead.

Dammit! I was expecting a death! Not a rebirth! Fucking Gates. You ruined my mood!

Legion Lost #16 Rating: No change. I'm just glad it's over. I kind of like the Harvest/Captain Adym thing but let me list the problems with it. First off, Captain Adym is just a brand new character dropped in to become Harvest. That's never any fun. Second off, just because Captain Adym is from the future, it doesn't mean he should know every fucking thing that happens as Harvest. He should know the things Harvest does when Captain Adym was around Harvest because he observed those. I guess Captain Adym just studied all of history so closely that he knows everything that ever happened. What a nerd!

I do kind of like that Captain Adym is a piece of Captain Atom and Captain Atom has a history of becoming a villain! Remember when he turned into Monarch? No? You don't remember that? Oh yeah! That's because DC changed their fucking Armageddon storyline so that it made no sense simply to surprise readers once the Captain Atom is Monarch bit was leaked. So maybe that's going to happen here too! Maybe when it comes time to really show Harvest's origin, DC will decide too many people know it's Captain Adym and they'll make it Vampire Tim Drake instead!

Legion Lost #15

I have no idea what is going on in this picture because boobs.

This issue might be Wildfire's last appearance ever in The New 52 but I have a feeling he's going to be overshadowed by Dawnstar's Boobs. Literally! I guess I'm being insensitive since Dawnstar and Wildfire have been in a long, loving relationship. Although Dawnstar has been showing interest in Timber Wolf because penis.

But none of that relationship stuff is important right now! The fate of everyone in the one timeline that Nathaniel Adym cares about (his own!) is about to be destroyed by The Cosmic Butcher! What I want to see is someone from the future of the timeline where Nathaniel Adym is killed come back in time to save his timeline by making sure Nathaniel Adym dies! And then someone else from the future will show up because her timeline is in jeopardy and can only be saved if the guy who wants Nathaniel Adym dead is successful and then has sex with her so she can have a child in the past that will rise up against the evil Japanese toilet overlords of her future. Seriously, Nathaniel Adym, stop being so selfish! If there can only be one timeline, why are you so insistent that it's yours? It obviously will be yours no matter what you do since you're here. Except Tom DeFalco doesn't understand anything that doesn't come in a Pop Tarts Box.

Is anyone surprised at the way this comic began?

At least he's using an omniscient third person narrator. I suppose he wouldn't know what to do once it came time to focus on another character.

Tom DeFalco: "Should Timber Wolf narrate what he thinks the other guy is thinking? Should he narrate what he thinks the other guy thinks that Timber Wolf thinks he's thinking? I've seen Scott Lobdell do it with Roy Harper. Gosh, he's such a good writer. He has such amazing control over the story and narration. I should have never hired him! He's so much better than I am. But at least I'm still better than Grant Morrison and Scott Snyder. How does anyone understand what's going on in those comics without the constant use of Narration Boxes? Fools!"

The thing I thought was some city emerging from the Earth last issue turns out to be a World Killer Machine Bot. Perhaps it is The Cosmic Butcher built from raw materials yanked from the Earth by Daggor and his pet dragon. Unless Daggor is the dragon's pet. That was awful humanoid-centric of me. Captain Adym and Tyroc and Harvest and Timber Wolf and whoever else is there (some Ravagers, I think? Superboy?) begins tossing ideas around on how to destroy it. Tyroc tries yelling at it but it must be stronger than a mountain range because he can't defeat it. Timber Wolf scratches it and talks tough. That doesn't work. Captain Adym points out that this shouldn't be happening which doesn't convince the World Killer to give up. But then Gates comes through with a plan of his own!

Run away!

What Gates is trying to say here is, "Get Batman!" That's a pretty good plan. I've seen it work time and time again. Except he's a bit busy with his party. And Superman is a bit busy with H'el on Earth. And Wonder Woman is on a big date with Batwoman. Green Lantern is dead. The Flash is fighting Gorillas. I guess Aquaman and Cyborg aren't all that busy? No? Don't bother? Okay then! Legion is going to have to deal with this themselves!

I guess after Daggor and Thrax started the World Killer Machine's autobuild program, they took off for another planet. I think Daggor was simply there to determine if Earth was a good candidate to be unterraformed so that the Cosmic Butcher could turn it into a vacation home. Once they set up the World Killer, there work was done. I'm speculating on this because Wildfire and Psykill decide to go after Daggor and Thrax and have to fly to another solar system to defeat him.

I think everyone on Earth would appreciate their help with that fight since the World Killer is the immediate threat. But what do I know? I'm not a superhero.

Meanwhile, Superboy has lost his mind to Harvest's programming and his personality has improved measurably.

The uber-violence is so much more palatable than the existential dread he was constantly whinging on about.

Daggor's mechanical droids continue to attack while the World Killer continues to build itself while the heroes continue to randomly bump into each other for short conversations while not actually doing a whole lot. In one of these conversations, Warblade tells Ridge he's welcome to come home if he does a small favor for Harvest. Then the editor tells me to see future issues of The Ravagers for more information as if I have 24 hour access to a time machine. Hmm. I guess if I had any access to a time machine it would be 24 hour access. Because if I needed it right now but didn't have access to it, I would just wait until I had access to it and visit myself when I needed it and then I'd have access to it! Twenty four hour access.

I believe Ridge will not take up Warblade's offer (whatever it is) because he hates Harvest so much. But maybe the offer will be to betray Beast Boy which would get Beast Boy out of the picture so that Ridge could have Terra all to himself? Okay, he might do that! And since Harvest hates Beast Boy because he's the only person to ever thwart one of Harvest's plans, that really could be the possibility!
And then Daggor destroys Wildfire. Or at least rips his containment suit.

And apparently everyone in Arizona can simply look up and see the explosion in whatever solar system those planets and moon represent.

While Wildfire may have blown up in a double page spread, I doubt he's dead. Even if he doesn't return before this comic book ends its run, he's still easily alive. He's simply energy and the suit contains his energy. The explosion may confuse and dissipate him for awhile, but he'll be okay.

More importantly than Wildfire's pseudo-death, Daggor finishes one speech bubble in the other solar system and then instantly returns to Arizona.

I guess this makes sense since Legion Lost #13 established that his speed was 31,558,464,000 times faster than light.

Although his arrival does not explain how Wildfire's mask ended up in Dawnstar's hand so she could cry over it, Yorick style. I probably should have said Hamlet style but I wanted to type "Yorick."

Apparently the battle between Daggor and Wildfire happened in the sky above them and all those incorrectly drawn planets were some kind of visual metaphor. The comic book didn't say anything to make me think that. That's just me imposing my own beliefs on reality so that this comic book doesn't drive me insane. And it's working really hard to do just that, especially in this next panel where I think DeFalco just said, "Fuck it. This title is over anyway."

Did DeFalco and Lobdell obtain some sort of free pass to ignore Flashpoint?

Captain Adym has already broken the no time travel rule once to get into this comic book. Now he's going to try to break the rule again and change the timeline? But what about all the people living in the timeline where the World Killer begins to build itself? You're killing them all, you monster!

The other Legion members reject Captain Adym's stupid plan as well but for less logical reasons than mine. They're afraid his stunt will kill millions of Americans in the explosion and they won't be a part of that. But there's one person left who doesn't mind!

Yay! Last stand! I'm so excited!

Harvest once again knocks everyone out with one single blast. Except for Gates who is off considering skinning out of there and doing it to Captain Adym's time bubble. Of course he won't! He'll somehow come back to save the day. And by saving the day, it will look like Legion Lost died but they will really just end up back in the future because Tom DeFalco and his editors don't give five fucks about Flashpoint and the whole fucking reason behind this Reboot.

Legion Lost #15 Rating: -1 Ranking. I don't think anything actually happened in this issue with the excepting of Wildfire exploding. Everything else is exactly where it was at the end of Issue #14. And what was up with Lord Daggor and Wildfire fighting amongst a couple of strange planets but still being in the skies of Arizona?

Legion Lost #0

This is the first cover to create their own original tear in the comic book cover.

Is it possible Tom DeFalco was waiting for the Zero Issue before revealing each of the team member's secrets? My guess is no. Well, maybe he'll reveal Chameleon Girl's secret that they were all sent back in time by The Echo Police. But that'll be it.

The introduction to the comic book sounds like it won't even reveal that much. It looks like it's going to focus on the origin of Timber Wolf. I guess it could have seven short three story pages detailing each character's origin.

Here's a new favorite character of mine: Don't Go Fish Guy.

Timber Wolf's father created another variant on the super soldier serum. But this one was invented in the 31st Century so it's probably better than any of the others that were invented in the past. Timber Wolf's father's patron wants the serum for himself and his family but the serum isn't quite ready to be used on humans. So the patron, Lord Vykor, decides to provide some incentive for Timber Wolf's dad to work faster. The incentive isn't more money or a time dependent bonus or a nice firm pat on the back. The incentive is killing Timber Wolf's mom. I think the process of mourning is supposed to get the scientist to concentrate better or something.

Timber Wolf's dad is given one more month to have the product ready. When it is ready, he injects it into himself and his son so that they'll be super powered and can destroy Lord Vykor when he arrives for the finished product. The results of this meeting show that even Lord Vykor realized that his "motivation" probably wasn't the best way to get what he wanted.

And nobody lived happily ever after.

Timber Wolf drops from the ceiling and bites Lord Vykor's ear off. Then Timber Wolf jumps out of a window as the lab explodes. But Lord Vykor and his men get away, of course. And now the only way Lord Vykor can get his hands on the super soldier serum is by getting a sample of Timber Wolf's blood.

This origin story is boring the fuck out of me. Wait, what does that mean? Does that mean I'm so bored that I've lost all desire to copulate? I don't think I got quite that bored. But it did get boring enough that I asked Doom Bunny for advice.

Me: "Legion Lost #0 is BORING."
Me: "The commentary is turning into a synopsis! I need something funny to talk about!"
Doom Bunny: "Not dumb, just boring?"
Me: "Yes."
Doom Bunny: "What would happen if they'd never been lost?"
Me: "It's the Origin Story of Timber Wolf."
Doom Bunny: "Ew. Write something about Judas!"
Me: "Judas was one of Christ's disciples. He was a man. He wanted to help the poor but Jesus was all, 'Fuck the poor! Give Caeser whatever Caeser wants because getting into heaven is where it's at, man!' And Judas was all, 'What?! No way! What about our home? What about the hypocritical pharisees? What about driving these fucking Romans out of our land?!' And Jesus was all, 'Pshaw! Getting through the eye of a needle is the goal so chill out, baby!'"
Doom Bunny: "lol"
Doom Bunny: "I was trying to find Jennifer's ridiculous food post from today."
Doom Bunny: "Timeline sucks. Oh, here it is! 'Range free eggs'"
Me: "Ha!"
Doom Bunny: "Dumb ass. It's cage-free eggs and free-range chicken."
Me: "I like my eggs laid by prison chickens!"
Doom Bunny: "Yeah!"

Doom Bunny also mentions how I called Jennifer a narcissist but I censored that out so he wouldn't be implicated in it! I also think Doom Bunny wanted me to write something about my cat, Judas. Whoops! Anyway, that didn't have anything to do with Legion Lost but if Legion Lost were holding my attention better, that interlude never would have happened. So it's Legion Lost's fault for being the first really boring comic book of the Zero Issues so far. I won't go so far as to say Grifter #0 was good but at least it had something to say about the ongoing title. I guess if I were paying closer attention to this comic, I would be gaining some really good insight into Timber Wolf's character! But why should I have to work so hard when Tom DeFalco spells out all of Timber Wolf's trials and travails in page!

Half of Timber Wolf's training took place in a cardboard box. I'm surprised he's not Urban Raccoon.

Timber Wolf dedicated his life to hunting down Lord Vykor! But Lord Vykor was hanging out with "the politically elite and legally challenged." What the fuck? Should writers be held responsible for making art that is understandable? Oh! Oh! Here's a story about Soy Rakelson, my high school friend whose name has been changed to protect Ann Nocenti.

Soy and I were discussing David Lynch's Lost Highway one night. And while my friend Upright and I had discussed the movie after seeing it and pretty much figured out what was going on, Soy wondered if Lynch had more of a responsibility to make the point of his movie clearer. I asked him how clear an auteur needs to make their work. Should he blatantly state what his intent is? Should a work be entirely free of ambiguity so that every member of the audience walk away with the same experience so there's no need to discuss the work? Soy just seemed to think Lynch's vision was too muddled and thus failed. So we went on to talk about other things.

At one point, Soy picked up my John Barth book, "Lost in the Funhouse." He flipped through it and said, "Oh man, this first story about the Swimmers is great." And I said, "Oh, the story about the sperm." And he looked up quizzically and said, "You know, the swimmers." And I said, "Yes, the story about the sperm." And I saw him cock his head to the side and then the light go on in his eyes and his jaw dropped halfway open. And I said, "Do you think John Barth should have been more clear about that? Do you think he failed?"

That's the end of that story. I apologize that it didn't contain more explosions and future technology.

So back to Legion Lost, who are the legally challenged that Lord Vykor is hanging out with? Is that a euphemism for bad types? Or is he hanging out with people being sued by other people? Perhaps they're just people who don't understand the concept of loitering and jaywalking.

Eventually Timber Wolf makes his way to Lord Vykor.

Just like a typical DeFalco plot. Lord Vykor's plan was for Timber Wolf to find him. If you wanted to meet with him, why didn't you just have your thugs pull him off the street?

Since this moment was entirely to be expected, Lord Vykor spent years preparing for it. He probably even had a candy glass window placed in the loft so that Timber Wolf wouldn't hurt himself when he smashed through it. Because Lord Vykor's son Tor wouldn't want any unfair advantages due to severe lacerations from a plate glass window.

Why didn't he use some of the serum in the vial for his scientists to backwards engineer it? That makes much more sense than waiting years for Timber Wolf to appear and then killing him and then hoping that somehow the formula's footprints can still be found inside his corpse.

The fight begins with Timber Wolf holding back and still getting the better of Vykor and his son. But Timber Wolf chooses not to kill anybody because that would cause him to lose his humanity. And he can't do that when they're calling him an animal! That would prove them right! So he jumps around and nothing much happens.

Seriously? You had the fucking serum, you stupid sprok!

By the way, it is stupid that Vykor had any of the serum at all. Timber Wolf's father really would have used the serum on himself and his son and destroyed any that was left. Now that would make sense if Vykor's last chance was the slight possibility that Timber Wolf's blood could give them the formula. But having had the formula in his hands and he didn't have his scientists work with that? He deserves whatever he gets. Probably mindswiped by the Echo Police and sent back to the past to encounter Timber Wolf in a future issue of Legion Lost.

In the end, Timber Wolf calls the Science Police to pick up these yahoos. The Science Police offer to send the Legion of Super-heroes a letter of recommendation if Timber Wolf would like to apply. As this comic ends, he seems to have no interest. Probably because that's a story that's already been told somewhere in the Preboot which still holds true for this Reboot.

Legion Lost #0 Rating: What about the origins for the rest of the team? Why is Timber Wolf so special? Is he the really, really, really poor and unhealthy man's Wolverine?