Grifter #16

Hopefully this will all have been a dream while Grifter slept out his lost 19 days in the hibernation tank.

This time it really is the last issue of Grifter! I think I only made it through Issue #15 of Grifter without hanging myself from a ceiling beam simply because I believed it was the last issue of the series. But now I know it's the final issue! It even says "End Run!" right there on the cover which is probably a smart allusion to the end of the series! And also diarrhea.

Poor Midnighter also made the cover. Hasn't he been embarrassed enough by this comic book? Can't Tieri and the awful cover artist just leave him alone? This cover kind of looks like a Choose Your Own Adventure book. Which path will Grifter take? YOU DECIDE! I would find the quickest THE END page I could and then throw the book in the garbage.

So last issue Grifter found out that his handler Warick that he only recently discovered existed but decided to completely trust was actually an escaped whacko from an insane asylum. Maybe I have some of those facts wrong but that never stopped me before. In fact, when I try to stick to the facts, I fucking bore myself and write shitty commentaries and then doubt my potential and wonder why the fuck I'm even continuing with this project. I have real fucking things to write over here! It's just I don't have an audience for those real things so I let them sit. What kind of a sell-out am I? Letting the audience decide what I should work on? God, I'm such a coward.

I almost forgot! Grifter found out that Warick was insane from Amanda Waller so it's not like he can trust that information either! But Grifter keeps listening to other people and fighting their wars because they keep calling him the Chosen One and complimenting him and sending him encouraging emails and thanking him for doing the dirty work and...oh my God. I'm fucking Grifter.

So join the military!

The military (not Team 7! That's just more crazy! Just join the run of the mill military if you're looking for a simple, routine, organized life) will provide you with eats and sleeps and drinks! But they'll also provide you with what you're really looking for: no responsibility. Life is so much easier when you don't have to make your own decisions. Everything is planned out for you. You never have to feel like a failure when your daily decisions aren't made by you. Sure, like the lions in your zoo, you may not be exactly free. But people make compromises every day, right? Trade away a little freedom in the physical world and your mind is released of the stress of responsibility. There's a reason people become serial enlistees just like people become serial criminals. Because life is simpler when you're an animal in a zoo.

Okay, joining the military in times of conflict are a little bit more stressful. But you realize it's still less scary to a lot of people than having to negotiate the landscape of "normal" life? It's also more exciting which draws people like you, Grifter! You can't handle the long, endless stretches of boredom that comes with modern societal living. You need the adrenaline rush. But you know, they might not take you in the military since you're a Level 12 Telekinetic. You'd probably get shunted off to Team 8 where life would be anything but simple.

Now that I've managed to portray military life as a much more mundane and far less heroic choice than most people would like to believe it is (I could have gotten much worse and explored the various reasons why most people join the military in the first place, few of them being patriotic while many of them being economic), I should say something like, "Some of my best friends are in the military!" One of those non-imaginary friends in the military used to say, "You have to hand it to the army. They do a whole lot with very little." You know what he's talking about.

Penises.

Back to Grifter, the Charlie Brown music continues to play as he wanders about the zoo thinking back on his sixteen previous horrible issues. He remembers how he was fighting Daemonites and police officers and his brother Max and Green Arrow and The Black Curate and Helspont and Midnighter and the Suicide Squad and maybe more Daemonites. He doesn't remember how he was constantly referred to as the most wanted man on Earth but he never actually was. But then later he decides that he's going to pull a gigantic con where he convinces all of Earth's super heroes that he is the worst super villain ever but that plan doesn't actually go anywhere after a change in writers a major plane crash in Paris. He also doesn't remember how he grabbed the Grifter mask from a Mardi Gras costume stall near the airport but somehow he was already wearing and using it years before when he was a member of Team 7.

Grifter didn't merely come to the zoo to stare enviously at the lions and get lost in nostalgia. He came to meet Warick to learn what this stupid fucking comic has actually been about.

If you wanted a private conversation, why'd you meet in a public place? How long before your private conversation is interrupted by a SWAT team now that you fired off a gun inside the park?

With Grifter waving his gun in Warick's face, Warick gets right into the explicating!

I don't think the Daemonite threat (along with Helspont) have translated very well into the already brimming with cosmic threats DC Universe.

Warick's explanation is as good an explanation as I think Grifter is going to get.

How dare you answer my questions with answers!

Grifter wants answers from Warick and he gets them. But just like every other fucked up person in the world (i.e. all of us), he doesn't want to accept the answers Warick is giving him because they make sense and Grifter just wants to be mad at Warick. How dare Warick not be the jerk Grifter was expecting him to be after Amanda Waller told him the real truth!

Grifter decides he's done fighting Daemonites and Helsponts and Midnighters but Warick has a difference of opinion.

How do you interrupt somebody in the middle of the "GH" sound of laugh?

Here's why both Grifter and Warick are idiots (although Warick might not be so much an idiot as a genius who understands how the idiot Grifter will react). Warick wants Grifter's help so he punches him and runs away. Grifter doesn't want to help Warick so he pulls out his guns and begins chasing him. Hey, Grifter? Buddy? If you don't want anything to do with him, walk away! Warick just left. Just go away and insta-travel to another part of the globe like you've been doing all year. Be done with it! Don't get sucked in! Don't chase him! Aww shit. There he goes into the reptile house!

Oh fuck me in the hole I just made in my chest stabbing myself with a pair of scissors out of rage, Tieri! You just used that fucking line last issue! LAST GODDAMN ISSUE! I guess Cole thought it was the best line he'd ever heard and stole it from Harley.

And now that Grifter is in the Reptile House, Tieri knows the best way to make this book exciting! Crocodile fight! It's just as stupid as it sounds when you just put an exclamation point after the words "crocodile" and "fight." The crocodile gets killed due to their bullshit and then the fight boils over to the top of a lion's cage.


If you think my recounting of events doesn't make much sense and is skipping over a lot of detail, you'd be wrong. This time, anyway. Usually you'd be right. But this happens across three pages. You're not missing out on any good dialogue either. Unless you think "Thrown plenty of men, though" is the height of literature.

Why do Grifter's fights go anywhere past this point? This is all that should ever happen.

Really punching yourself in the face is one of those rare treats that most people will never experience because it's really, really fucking hard to do. No matter how much you want to, you're going to pull the punch somewhat out of your own hesitancy and self-preservation. And why would you do it in the first place? I have punched myself in the face though. Really, really hard. And I surprised myself when I did it! I sucker punched myself! I was in the passenger seat of a friend's convertible BMW down in Los Angeles stalking Arnold Schwarzenegger. This friend, Josh, drove like a maniac. Everyone was singing along to shitty rock music when Josh decided he didn't want to go straight anymore at sixty miles per hour. He wanted to turn right! So he screeches to the right and I throw up my hand to grab the outside roof of the car to keep me from sliding into Josh as he peeled around the corner. And since there was no roof, I punched myself in the side of the face with the fist my hand had become when it encountered no roof to grab. It sucked. Luckily, I'm a gigantic wuss and don't punch very hard, so my face simply hurt instead of breaking my nose or blacking my eye.

This fist fight occurs on top of the lion's cage which means that just on the other side of the cage is a pit of polar bears. Grifter threatens to drop Warick in amongst the Polar Bears unless Warick lets this comic book end. At this point, I suppose I don't give a shit what happens. It's not like Warick is much of a character. He may have been somebody in the Wildstorm Universe or he might have been created in Grifter #0. If he died here, it wouldn't bother me any. As long as this fucking comic book is done.

This is the point where Waller shows up with a bunch of non-super powered men with guns. I'm sick of Waller having command of Task Force X and multiple other resources but she continues to lead missions. This is what happens when you make her a skinny badass with a gun. Now she's no longer an administrator that kicks ass and takes lunch orders. She has to be hands on in everything she does. It really just seems to go against the kind of self-preservation I thought Amanda Waller was full of.
Amanda Waller followed Grifter to get her hands on Warick. She's been hunting him for years apparently. And since Warick doesn't want to end up in jail, he pushes himself off of Grifter and into the Polar Bear pit. Where the apathetic zoo polar bears subsequently ignore him.

Ha ha! No, no. Just kidding. He's dead.

Grifter laments not being quick enough to save Warick as he fell the twenty feet into the Polar Bear Sanctuary. Even though Grifter can generally stop bullets with his telekinesis and turn flames away as they're shot at him. I'm pretty sure Grifter didn't give a fuck but also wants to rationalize away the manslaughter aspects of what just happened. Just in case Waller wants to, you know, "arrest" him.

It turns out Grifter was telling this Zoo Story to his brother Max's grave. And even after all that Grifter has seen, he apparently didn't believe any of it until Warick threw his life away to become a main course that pairs well Coke. Cole can't believe somebody would die for their beliefs! Even if that guy was a paranoid schizophrenic? Cole even says, "Crazy or not...it moved me." Really? You won't take into consideration that his craziness is the reason he killed himself? Instead you're going to only look at how well he believed something? Chosen One my ass.

Cole decides to retire from the Grifter persona for awhile. Hopefully a long while. Although I think he'll be back in Justice League America, won't he? Am I mistaken on that point? Whatever. At least he'll have a new creative team pulling his strings. That's all I can really ask for.

Helspont is watching this entire thing. He's happy Warick is dead and is planning on letting Grifter live for now since Helspont won't have anything to do with Justice League America if Geoff Johns can help it. And he can since he pretty much runs things at DC! Helspont also reveals that the Daemonite cloning chamber where Warick was created was underneath the zoo (wherever this zoo was located. It was never mentioned). Wasn't there a mad scientist creating anthropomorphic zoo creatures in the pages of OMAC? Could this be the same place run by the same scientist who was actually a Daemonite but that wasn't revealed since it wasn't important to that story? Or is basement real estate under zoos just really cheap property?

And guess how this comic book ends? No, really! Guess! Oh, come on!

It better fucking be.

Grifter #16 Rating: -1 Ranking. Fuck you, Grifter! I can drop you to Rank #52 for your retirement number and STILL keep The Savage Hawkman at the bottom of the list! Ah ha ha ha ha!

Batgirl #16

This looks like a red headed version of Portland Channel 12's weather woman, Stephanie Kralevich!

Here's Stephanie:

I have a confession to make: I've been calling her The Joker for years. I have another confession to make: I can't stop staring at her post-pregnancy boobies.

Dear Diary,

Pardon me if my fingers are a bit sticky; I was just picking my nose. And I guess I don't mean sticky. It's not like snot is running out of my nostrils. I just mean that kind of damp texture that your finger gets when you're kind of rubbing the loose booger molecules off of the inside of your nose and not actively picking out a gigantic booger that won't stop making itself known. It's not like I make a habit of it, Diary! I know you won't judge me but other people who might one day read my diary will probably judge me even though you know they were probably just scratching their ass and sniffing their fingers. How can a person continue to think mankind was made special from God's fingers after she's seen someone scratch at their head and then reflexively sniff their fingers? That is such monkey business!

You know what, Diary? I've really been filling you with a lot of depressing stuff lately. I guess when The Joker is in town, there isn't a lot of happy news. Oh who am I kidding? Joker or no Joker, Gotham fugging sucks. Why do I remain here? Why does anyone remain here? People talk about "Gotham Pride" like it's something special that true Gothamites work hard to build and cherish. But being a Gothamite is just another random act in a completely random universe! It would really make a lot more sense to tell Gotham to fugg off and move to Metropolis. The murder rate in Metropolis is 1% of the murder rate in Gotham City and it's right there across the bay! I think. I was never very good at geography. And even though a much better life is one ferry ride away, people stick to their "Gotham Pride" and refuse to move. Like I said: monkeys!

I guess I'm being too harsh on everyone else. They probably all stay for the same reasons I stay: because they're super heroes! Ha ha! No, because they have family here too. Or they're criminals. I bet half the population of Gotham is involved in crime and half of that half (so a third? I suck at math but I'm super good with computers and hacking and finding out information!) are involved in silly, ridiculously themed crimes!

I'm also super good at things that are completely crazy that nobody would ever think somebody could be good at! But I am! Anyway, even if she were typing, I could tell what she was typing if I could see her fingers move. And if I know how fast somebody can type, I can sometimes tell what words she is typing just by the speed and rhythm of her keystrokes! Also when somebody is thinking, they sometimes imagine they're saying the words and I can tell what they're saying by the movement of their neck and jaw muscles!

You might be able to tell I'm avoiding talking about what happened after I arrived at the church The Joker sent me to. I don't think I can talk about it. It's not that it was terrifying and I felt like I was going to die and I was worried about my mom and Dick and Batman and dad and Dick. It's just that I realized something while standing in the church with The Joker rambling on and on about The Bat being the King: I was in love with The Joker!

Fugg no! Diary. I'm ashamed of you! Believing that twaddle. I'm surprised there isn't a Bat-villain named Twaddle! Maybe I could take up a second job screwing with Batman and Dick as a wacky nemesis named Twaddle! Oh! Yeesh. Blush moment. I just realized everyone would probably think I was calling myself Twattle! Maybe I should get serious and describe what happened at the church.

I was particularly surprised that he hadn't killed anybody up to this point.

Before the ceremony gets to the vows (of which I had written a doozy of one that involved spinning back kicks and groin punches and as many broken teeth as I could manage), The Joker pulls out a chainsaw and threatens to cut off my arms and legs. What the hell was this? A recreation of Boxing Helena? I was no object to be objectified only to lose my limbs and become an object to everybody but the person who turned me into an object! I was the fuggin' Batgirl! Is that a good catch phrase? "I'm the fuggin' Batgirl!" Why does it sound so sexual when I say it out loud? Maybe it's because I'm in my underwear!

At this point, I decided the wedding was most probably off because I couldn't see myself limbless in my wedding dress. So I began to kick some Joker Thug ass when he showed up.

My brother! That cavalry I mentioned last entry.

With mother safe, I was free to do whatever I wanted to The Joker and his men. The ring was off the finger and the veil was on the floor. The Joker had his face removed and now I was going to take some of his teeth as well. Actually, for a Bat-villain, I'm pretty impressed with his smile. Most of those have got to be dental implants to replace teeth knocked out by Batman. No way you could be enemies with Batman for this long and not have lost most of your teeth.

We interrupt this diary entry to check in on my favorite character in The New 52 outside the church. At least she has all of her limbs. Stay safe, Alysia! Now back to Batgirl's Diary.

So there I am being this huge female role model and defeating all of these scum sucking men and their symbols of masculinity: their guns and knives and baseball bats. The ass kicking was practically religious! A whirling dervish! Heck, I was in church, wasn't I? And then it was time to take out The Joker. And that's when the hero (me!) finds out why a cavalry composed of your insane younger brother is really no cavalry at all.

If I wake up without my limbs, I'm going to be so pissed!

After this I don't know what happened with James. Maybe The Joker killed him. I guess I wouldn't feel too bad about that. When I woke up, The Joker was standing before me with a covered serving tray. And...well, I don't know if I feel up to talking about that just yet. Maybe next time.

Enh. It's probably just a jelly roll.

Batgirl #16 Rating: +1 Ranking. Besides having no idea how all of these stories fit in a chronological context, I think Simone is working her end of the Death of the Family story really well. Now if she could just fit Alysia into a little more of the story, things would really be fantastic.

Batman #16

Knock Knock! Who's there? Interrupting Joker! Interrupting Jok...how the hell do you tell this joke in writing?

According to Scott Lobdell, The Joker knows everybody's secret identity. This was revealed in the Zero Issue where Lobdell insulted everybody's intelligence and possibly farted right in our mouths when he explained how The Joker created Jason Todd to be Batman's second Robin. That would mean that Scott Lobdell fucked up Scott Snyder's story the month before Death of the Family even started. But being that it was written by Scott Lobdell, I didn't fucking believe the story and promptly forgot it and washed out my mouth with soap and scrubbed my anus with a really rough washcloth. Super rough. Like Motel Six rough. So even if The Joker does know their secret identities, it's still a surprise to me because I never believe that Scott Lobdell knows what he's talking about. Especially now that I've read his own words about how he writes stories! He just wants to be surprised so he doesn't plan anything! Now I know for a fact that the end of Superman Zero where Superman was on Krypton was thrown in as he was finishing the story.

Scott Lobdell: "Hmm. This story is pretty awesomely awesome as it is. But it needs a big twist ending! And my stupid dumb know-it-all editor thinks my Narration Boxes in Superman's voice don't really make sense because they mention things that Superman has no way of knowing. Unless he was there to witness the events."
Scott Lobdell's penis: *BOING!*
Scott Lobdell: "You're right, Little Claremont! That's an awe-awesome-some idea! Superman will travel back in time in an attempt to save the planet! No, no! Don't think about how that'll happen! I want to be surprised too!"

How come I always end up talking about Scott Lobdell when I should be talking about Scott Snyder? Probably because it's fun! Maybe I should do my Scott Snyder impersonation too!

Scott Snyder: "*sigh* What the fuck do you want, Lobdell? I'm busy plotting and outlining the next Batman story."
Scott Lobdell: "Will it be a big crossover? Can I write in the Teen Titans?!"
Scott Snyder: "I think the fans are a bit burnt out on multi-comic crossovers. Why don't you go work on one of your multiple books? I'm busy here."
Scott Lobdell: "Nah, I still have two weeks before the scripts are due. I'm going to go fuck some prostitutes."
Scott Snyder: "Oh, you know what? This Batman script can wait. Let me grab my coat!"

Last issue, Batman entered Arkham Asylum because he replied "YES" to The Joker's Evite. He's greeted by the Arkham guards dressed up as Batmen and Jokers waltzing in the cells. Batman saves them by doing Bat-things. You know those things bat's do? They scream EMP Pulses and drop water absorbent bat turds.

Then this happens. Typical.

Batman's second challenge is to fight all of the non-super powered inmates of Arkham. I guess these are the thugs that are deemed crazy instead of just having bad judgment after being beaten by Batman. Perhaps anybody trying to commit crime in Gotham is labeled insane because you'd have to be crazy to think you could outwit Batman. Well they couldn't beat Batman to stay out of Arkham and they couldn't beat Batman while in Arkham. Once an insane, psychopathic flunkie, always a loser.

And then a tapestry of human asses. Cliché.

In The Joker's tapestry, what's the deal with The Joker with the baby? Is that a story I should be familiar with? Or is that a hint that The Joker did indeed take Jason Todd's baby brother?

Batman's third challenge is a series of encounters with his crazy, dysfunctional family. The first combatant is "his groundskeeper" Mr. Freeze. But that hardly ends up being a challenge. Batman doesn't even take the time to make a temperature joke! He's so grim. Maybe joking gives The Joker power so The Batman can't use any one liners while fighting people in Arkham. He has to act as if he's above all of the childish humor.

His second opponent is his "royal player" Clayface. Batman freezes him with Mr. Freeze's Freeze Gun. I guess The Joker found Clayface in post-coital bliss in his hotel room with Poison Ivy and forced him back to Arkham the way he forced The Penguin back.

Batman's third opponent is his "physician" The Scarecrow. Batman just recently put him back in Arkham. Batman uses a Bat-breather to defeat The Scarecrow even though he's already built up an immunity to The Scarecrow's new terror concoction. Once he's past The Scarecrow, he finally makes it to The Joker's hiding place and breaks in to find a seriously awesome tableaux.

That thing up front looks like The Chainsaw in the Stone. It's also wired up to something.

The sub-par Justice League are merely there to fail at pulling the chainsaw from the rock to show Batman that they're not worthy of being worshiped.

Batman bashes through the barricade on the other side of the door too late to save fake yet better written Superman. He does save big boned Wonder Woman though by cutting the power to the saw with a Batarang. But then The Joker drops some bars to keep Batman at bay and turns on the televisions nearby so that Batman will cry.

The Joker's been busy in between the time Batman left the Batcave and he arrived at Arkham!

Because Batman cares about what happens to his Bat-family, he allows The Joker to win. The Joker has set up an electric Throne for Batman to sit in and Batman eagerly takes his place and puts on his crown. And ZAAAP! That's it for Batman!

Until the back-up story which actually continues from the end of the main story but from the insane point of view. The Joker thanks the other big wigs for coming but their roles are now done. They don't take too kindly to that so The Joker cages them in the room while he gets Bats ready for the private party. Before rolling Batman away, he curb stomps Harvey Dent's self-esteem. Multiple times. And then he shows them something underneath the cover of a serving tray. I guess it's probably something pretty shocking. It's probably Alfred's penis.

Batman #16 Rating: No change, of course. It's still number one! Who wants to guess what's on the serving tray? I mean a real guess and not knowledge from leaked sources and fan sites. Can't nerds ever speculate on their own without a Google search? There might be a prize! Maybe a personalized drawing because I'm so good at the drawing arts. Or an old comic book (my choice!). But you can't guess Alfred's penis because that's what I've guessed.

The Phantom Stranger #4

I'm a huge fan of this cover.

Until now, I'd forgotten that The Phantom Stranger popped up at the end of Justice League Dark #14 because nothing ever came of it in Justice League Dark #15. The Phantom Stranger informed Constantine that "the three" were about to go to war and that Constantine needed to pick a side. I'm pretty sure that Constantine has never "needed" to do anything that didn't involve self-preservation, so I suppose Constantine's response wasn't actually needed. Well, until now! This comic must certainly continue that scene, mustn't it?

While disguised as poorly dressed, sex crazed Philip Stark, The Phantom Stranger does a little shopping with Philip's wife. That poor woman. Philip may seem real to her and the Phantom Stranger probably loves her and his kids for the normal life they allow him to pretend at, but in reality, his real identity is The Phantom Stranger. Some day his wife and children are going to end up in a refrigerator and two small ice chests. It's practically inevitable.

At one point during the shopping trip, The Phantom Stranger enters a mystical trap disguised as a dressing room. He ends up in The House of Mystery with John Constantine and a dead goat.

It warms my cockles that I think like John Constantine. Unless that's slang for gay sex. And then I haven't warmed my cockles since college.

Turns out John wants The Phantom Stranger to join Justice League Dark. I think his main reason is that it would legitimize their use of the trademark "Justice League" since they currently don't have anybody that wears a cape. But The Phantom Stranger will fix that right up! Plus he's pretty good with the magic. He's so good that he defeats Frankenstein and Deadman in just a few panels. But he still can't leave on his own because of John's scapegoat. And Constantine won't take no for an answer. Well, he will. But just for a little while!

Oh, let John keep it! Do you really need it if it's already off of your necklace?

When The Phantom Stranger returns to the dressing room, his wife is gone. It's been twenty minutes so she apparently decided he crawled out under the fitting room door and ditched her. The Phantom Stranger heads home to get the sex she promised him even though he kind of didn't hold up his end of the bargain by disappearing instead of trying on the clothes. When he gets home, he doesn't bother checking the refrigerator. But that's not a surprise because your dead wife is always in the last place you look. The babysitter, on the other hand, is always right where you left him.

Some habits are harder to break than others. Like getting people crucified.

While the babysitter is accounted for (dead but accounted for), no one else can be found. At least no one that The Phantom Stranger is looking for. Pandora shows up to offer no help at all. Perhaps an "I told you so" but I don't think that's officially help.

The Phantom Stranger isn't a fool that's why he didn't see it coming! Ha ha!

The Phantom Stranger can't figure out which of the hundreds of people he's betrayed could be behind his family's abduction. So Pandora helps him out and takes a guess. "Hmmm. Could it be . . . The Spectre?!"

The Phantom Stranger #4 Rating: +2 Ranking. I like everything about this comic book. Except the art. So I like almost everything about this comic book! I'm glad wasting words doesn't hurt the environment because I'd be a pretty big polluter. You'd think I didn't know that my computer had a backspace key or that there was such a thing as "editing" or "rewrites"! And you'd be right! I have no idea what anything I just said in that previous sentence means! The typist monkey I dictate all of my commentaries to wrote that all on his own. Is he fucking making fun of me? Fucking monkey. Oh, you'll get your banana! Right after I wipe my ass with it!

Typist monkey hate Eat S-H-I-T.

All work and no feces throwing makes typist monkey a dull monkey, ad infinitum.

Detective Comics #16

Oh Batman! Huffing on an enemy's gaseous emissions again?

Last issue was the first Death of the Family crossover for Detective Comics and it was a gigantic lie by DC Comics. Now I'm not somebody trying to follow along with the crossover and I would have purchased the comic book anyway, but I feel badly for all of the readers that keep picking up these comics labeled "Death of the Family" and getting one or two panel tie-ins to the crossover. Here's last issue's Death of the Family moment for anybody lucky enough not to purchase the comic (although as a non-Death-of-the-Family story, it was pretty good!):

The Penguin: "Poison Ivy had better be dead Ogilvy!"
Ogilvy: "Trust me, she is! Would I lie to you? *wink wink*"
The Penguin: "I have to go to The Joker's party now. You think you can run things?"
Ogilvy: "Can The Emperor Penguin run things?!"
The Penguin: "What the fuck did you just call yourself?"
Ogilvy: "Oh, never mind. Um, yeah. Everything will be fine. Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!"

Some of the comic book plots even seem to have been changed to accommodate the Death of the Family story. Batman and Robin's plot was about The Saturn Club and it took a left turn at the end just to make The Joker behind it all. And Catwoman had an entire issue that felt like it ended the same way by shoving The Joker in as the man behind it all. I guarantee that when The Death of the Family is collected, a number of these comics listed as being part of the crossover won't make it into the final trade. There's just no reason! And a lot of people following this crossover have been blatantly lied to a number of times by DC. Once again, DC showing how much they care.

I'm not even sure how this comic book is going to tie in to the crossover since Batman is currently on his way into Arkham to join The Joker for his party. That will continue this Wednesday when the next Batman comic book comes out. But this comic book is all about Batman as well and it's not written by Scott Snyder. So it won't be part of the linear story. So when does it take place?

Apparently it takes place somewhere in the middle of The Joker returning but before Batman keeps the other members of the Bat-family from killing The Joker. That's probably why it's called Death of the Family. They're all going to resent Batman for picking The Joker over them and then they'll all go off in their own comic books and pout and whine. Except for Nightwing. He'll be calm and understanding and overly logical. But he might have a bit of an emotional flare-up and end up sleeping with Tony Zucco's daughter, Sonia.

This issue begins with people in Gotham going extra crazy simply because The Joker is in town. Ogilvy is there calling himself "Emperor Penguin" so this story must take place as Batman leaves his Family at the Batcave and is on his way to Arkham.

On the way to his Surprise Party, Batman gets in a little investigating.

Batman heard about this League of Smiles from a calling card at one of the random joke crime scenes. Not that the crime scene was a joke. It was a crime told like a joke. What it really was was just another reason to move the fuck out of Gotham! It's not a Batman villain killing anybody at this point. Dozens of people obsessed with The Joker just begin killing strangers. Dentists drilling patients to death. Kids spilling gas and burning buildings. Bakers filling pies with bodies. Balloon Animal Makers instilling a childlike sense of wonder in people by his amazing and various balloon animals. And then killing them. The whole city is a bigger mess than it usually is. And it's been a pretty fucking big mess lately.

Just to show that I didn't make up the gang's occupations!

But due to his detective work, Batman has found a lead on the League of Smiles. Even though who cares about one clue at a crime scene referencing a League of Smiles when so many random crimes are being committed all over the city. Only Batman would believe that there's an easy way to stop the chaos. Just find the right guy and break his jaw! Problem solved!

In Gotham, burning your family to death is usually only the beginning of the dark road.

The kid has joined the League of Smiles but he's just not funny enough to cut it. He doesn't get the joke about the hostages that were meant to be killed in the youth center. Instead he fucks up the punchline and lets them all go. Apparently the kid never had a sense of humor in the first place. The fire that killed his family was an accident and when everybody thought he killed them on purpose, they abandoned him. He just wanted to fit in with someone so he joined up with the Joker people. Too bad he was so serious. He just didn't have the chops for comedy.

Now that's a funny punch line! Maybe he did have what it takes!

The kid tells Batman that some guy named The Merrymaker runs the League of Smiles and they're planning on killing a lot of people. So now Batman is going to have to stop The Merrymaker and still make it to The Joker's party on time! It's a good thing Batman can be in 18 places at once.

The back-up story is about Ogilvy the Emperor Penguin. He'd better get his back-up stories in while he can because when The Penguin survives The Joker's party, he's going to be pretty pissed at Ogilvy. He probably won't kill him though.

He'll just sue his ass for trademark infringement. Maybe The Joker will join him as a co-plaintiff.

In the chaos and confusion, Ogilvy gathers the leaders of various crime families in Gotham and does the impossible. He gets them to take the name "Emperor Penguin" seriously. He also tells them that he's taking over for Oswald who is probably dead and that they're going to do everything he says and blame it on The Joker.

Bah. These are all the small potato crime bosses. Wait until Emperor Penguin crosses with Scarface or Two-Face or Clayface or Faceface. Hey! Maybe that's why The Joker cut off his face! So he could be No Face! It was either that or take up a Wonderland persona.

Detective Comics #16 Rating: No change. I didn't really like the way the main story was told. But I do like that Layman has decided to create a new villain for Batman to face. I think he's new. I just hope he doesn't come off as a second string Joker. And there wasn't a hell of a lot to the final story but it was about Ogilvy and I'm enjoying watching Ogilvy's slow downfall after being seemingly just dumb enough to succeed in Gotham City. Now that he thinks he's a genius, he's fucked.

Swamp Thing #16

Swamp Thing meet Womanbatgirl.

While Animal Man has built up a mighty army over in his Rotworld: The Red Kingdom half of this story, Swamp Thing has only managed to lose everybody in his group. Maybe that's a good thing because now he'll have time alone in the Batcave to develop a romance with Womanbatgirl. Normally I wouldn't advocate mammal/plant relationships because I was raised as a fear-mongering bigot that can't accept a plant fucking an animal. But Swamp Thing was bitten by Rabid Rot Batman, so he's probably going to turn into a Werebatplant any second now. I don't think Baby Jesus would frown on that relationship.

Come to think of it, does Baby Jesus even exist in The New 52? Oh yeah! He was in an issue of Blue Beetle as a picture on a wall. By seeing that picture, the Reach Scarab inside Jamie Reyes suddenly understood self-sacrifice and was then okay with Jamie's suicidal plans. And I guess the whole origin of The Phantom Stranger hinges on Jesus having been an actual person in The New 52. But I still have to wonder how DC rebooted him! What was his origin in this universe? What were his powers? Is he friends with the Greek Gods from Wonder Woman? Is he more believable than the one in our universe?

Back to Swamp Thing and his lack of an army, all he needs to do is find twelve year old Damian Wayne alive and his group will be more powerful than Animal Man's. Maybe not more powerful but definitely angrier. But whatever happened in Gotham must have to stay in Gotham because this comic book begins with Swamp Thing trudging up to Arcane's back door all by himself.

Swamp Thing versus Superman and the Suicide Squad and The Birds of Prey! Let's hope he has a surprise Bat-army following him up. Everyone can always use a surprise Bat-army.

Of course the scene shifts to six days earlier where Babs Gordon shows Swamp Thing a recording of Half-Rot Batman made specifically for Alec Holland. Because Batman prepares for every eventuality, especially the eventuality that usually happens. Or maybe it was just a lucky guess that Swamp Thing would wander into Gotham looking for him. Except I think maybe it was Poison Ivy who told Swamp Thing that Batman was working on something he could use. I forget how the plan was put together because I read too many fucking comic books and can't keep anything straight anymore. Anyway, Batman made something for Alec to use against Arcane. Or maybe to use against Rot Superman since at least three quarters of Batman's projects have to do with putting down Superman if he should ever turn away from justice.

Barbara Gordon leads the Swamp Thing to New Gotham which is, of course, in Arkham Asylum (isn't it always the way in alternate timelines?).

A monster climbs out of the sewers into your refuge and nobody shoots him in the face with a shotgun?

Batman was working on creating a huge batch of Alec Holland's bio-restorative formula. Swamp Thing finishes up Batman's work, making it as aggressive as possible. So now Swamp Thing has a shit-ton of Miracle-Gro to back him up. Swamp Thing also remarks that Batman left a special chemical that the Swamp Thing is going to try to incorporate into the formula. If you've been paying attention to what I've been saying about Batman, you already know what I'm guessing the chemical is: Kryptonite. While Swamp Thing is finalizing Batman's version of his bio-restorative formula, Arkham Asylum comes under attack.

The invasion force includes Giganta, Commissioner Gordon, and, I believe, Clayface.

As Arkham begins to fall, Swamp Thing finishes filling the container beneath the chamber he and Babs are currently in. But it's not just a chamber, Swamp Thing says. So he must be filling a person full of this bio-restorative formula. Plastic Man was my first thought because that would just be so frickin' cool. He's probably Rot-proof, right? But I can't picture Plastic Man being introduced to The New 52 this way. Perhaps Metamorpho since he was a member of Batman, Incorporated? How about I stop guessing and keep reading to find out?!

But before I find out, a quick recap on Abby Arcane in the past: she's failing miserably.

Okay! Back to the action! As Swamp Thing approaches Rot Superman and Rot Suicide Squad and Rot Turds of Prey, he unleashes his secret weapon full of green growing goodness!

Of course it's a Bat-bot! Plastic Man is too full of ADHD to sit in a chamber waiting for someone to pump him full of plant nutrients.

But it's not just a Bat-bot! Swamp Thing also has his Bat-army!

Including Mr. Freeze, Killer Croc, and The Floronic Man (not pictured).

For himself, Swamp Thing strapped Bane's venom delivery device to his back so it could pump the bio-restorative formula directly into him for added strength and, probably, a bit of a kryptonite touch!

And I guess we should check in on Abby Arcane before I wrap this up.

Whoops!

Swamp Thing #16 Rating: +2 Ranking. While Animal Man's fourth part was simply the heroes getting from Point A to Point B while picking up a new companion and defeating a mediocre enemy, Swamp Thing's fourth part was an epic tale of survival and rebellion. I love the panel with what is essentially the last of the human race charging Rot Superman and his Rot Army with little more than squirt guns filled with plant nutrients. I really hope the end of this crossover lives up to the journey!

BlackBriar Thorn! (as seen in Animal Man #16 and Justice League Dark #something)

Part 10 of an at least 52 part series of Who’s Who entries of New 52 characters (but probably a whole lot more what with cancellations and all).

PERSONAL DATA
Full Name: Blackbriar Thorn
Occupation: Last of the Druids [Is this really an occupation? Isn't this just a result of random happenstance?]
Marital Status: Single [Is this really a surprise?]
Known Relatives: None [Last of the Druids, remember?]
Group Affiliation: None [I might have said "Druids" but I guess that isn't actually a group anymore.]
Base of Operations: Originally the ancient British Isles, now 20th Century Gotham City [Holy Culture Shock, Batman!]
First Appearance: DC COMICS PRESENTS #66 [Oh fuck! I think I own that comic book!]
Height: 6'3" Weight: 238 lbs.
Eyes: Brown Hair: Brown [Did DC want the Who's Who to sound like a dating service?]

HISTORY
"Blackbriar Thorn was the high priest of one of the greatest of the ancient Druidic sects, leading them in sacrificial rituals, until his cult was at last slain by the invading Roman legions [That 'at last' part is bias and propaganda! It skews the reader into seeing the Romans as good and the Druids as bad! No wonder Blackbriar Thorn is so angry. Even his biographer hated him.]. Seeking to elude his Roman pursuers, Thorn slipped away into the woods during the massacre and used his arcane powers to transform himself into solid wood, hoping to be missed among the surrounding trees. Unfortunately for Thorn, the other Druids, in their death-throes, unleashed some sort of natural upheaval, creating a fissure in the Earth which swallowed the high priest whole [Serves him right, I suppose. He's a coward and a deserter.].

Centuries later, Thorn was ultimately unearthed by famed archaeologist Professor Lewis Lang [You can tell he's from a Superman comic book by his initials.], and revived by his own residual magic and the light of the full moon. Although trapped in his wooden form as a result of his millennia-long imprisonment, Thorn was otherwise unimpaired, his awareness and mystic abilities seemingly undiminished."

POWERS & WEAPONS
"As a Druid, Thorn has complete control of the elements, and is able to conjure forth snow, storms, or dense fog in instants. He is also a master of illusion [So you're saying he's dual-class Druid/Illusionist?], and is able to increase his own size to monstrous proportions through contact with the Earth. Losing that contact greatly diminishes the Druid's power, and can ultimately lead to his destruction [It's like he was designed to be part of The Green!].

It took the combined efforts of Superman (see Superman) and The Demon (see The Demon) to finally defeat Blackbriar Thorn and, presumably, destroy him [In the world of comic books, I think the 'presumably' is always implied.]."