Harley Quinn #4

What's so funky about this family? Also pretend I came up with a really funny spork joke.

Hey people reading this? Did you know at the bottom of this page is a Disqus Commentary Application? It's a nifty way to tell me how much I suck, if you're into that sort of thing. I imagine some people are into that because some people are also into hearing about how much they suck. Really into it. Also really into it. And possibly really into it as well. I assure you that I am not one of those people! I definitely do not read comments about how much my comic book blog sucks with my boxers around my ankles. Mostly because that's so restrictive! With a pair of boxers around your ankles, how are you supposed to get one leg up over the table with the other spread out in the opposite direction to expose the full glory of the arousal currently on display?! Again, not that I'd know anything about this nor do I have an account at CamWankers.com. Don't be disgusting. I barely even know you so all of this information is purely hypothetical. Unless you follow me at CamWankers.com! Then just let me say: "Hi mom!"

Harley is headed back to work this issue which means she has to cover herself in Reverse Clown Make-up. That might just be normal make-up. Although if that's true, I just implied that women that wear make-up do so because they look like clowns when they crawl out of bed in the morning. Although if all clowns looked like Harley Quinn, we'd probably have more instances of coulrophilia than coulrophobia. And Stephen King's It would have been pornographic. Although I suppose it could already be considered child pornography since a bunch of twelve year old kids have a gang bang in the sewers.

Sorry, I didn't mean to spoil part of the ending to It for anybody that hasn't read it. But don't let the knowledge that the book has a gang bang featuring elementary school children turn you off from reading it if you haven't. It is a weird and uncomfortable scene and I always felt it was an awkward bit even though I understood why it was there. After having defeated It, the children become hopelessly lost in the sewers. The only way out, the only escape from the horror of Pennywise, is to leave childhood and childish innocence behind. They must escape into the world of adults; a world that doesn't have room for the true horror of a creature like Pennywise the Clown. And apparently the only way to metaphorically make that transition when you're lost in the sewers is to have Beverly fuck everyone. Although I don't know why the guys couldn't have fucked each other as well. Why place the entire burden on Beverly's young vagina? I guess if King felt he had to keep it hetero, a few guys could have fucked her in the ass.

Speaking of fucked in the ass. That's apparently how Harley likes it! DC should sell these bullseye-on-the-ass panties.

Harley's new job is counseling elderly residents at a nursing home. And by counseling, I mean listening to them whine about their ungrateful progeny that never visit enough and can't spend their entire lives reminding their parents how much they love them. I'm so happy I chose not to have children so I won't be a burden to them! Instead, I'll be a burden to other people's children! But at least they'll be getting paid for dealing with me and have no obligations to pretend they still love me. Now I only wish I'd had the opportunity to choose not to have parents! Oh, what a grand life it could have been!

Harley seems to take her patient's problems on as her own. When an elderly lady mentions how her child doesn't visit enough (as all elderly ladies are wont to do no matter how many times their children visit), Harley decides to go have some words with the family. Those words will probably be "smash" and "punch" and "kick" and "gratuitous violence."

At the family home, we get more masturbation jokes.

Why the fuck have Connor and Palmiotti decided to invade my wheelhouse?!

Harley proceeds to teach the woman's family a lesson about acting rashly without first getting both sides of the story. Unless she's teaching herself that lesson and she's teaching the family a lesson about better home security. I bet the mother was an abusive drunk that used to host masturbation parties in the house while daddy hid away in the basement on his special project concerning big metal drums and local cheerleaders while her son lay naked and strapped to the coffee table as punishment for reading one of the lewder psalms in The Bible.

Harley decides the best course of action is to kidnap the entire family and bring them in to visit mother. If it wasn't such a cliche plot point, I'd guess she kidnapped the wrong Rubenstein family. As I kind of pointed out a little bit before, Harley didn't really do a whole lot of research on the old woman's story or the old woman herself. But that's like Bugs Bunny time story telling! This is the Modern Era! This is the era of big twists in big budget movies that are ruined because the trailer always mentions that you won't believe the twist which means you can practically figure out the twist before you even spend any money on a ticket.

Before Harley gets the family back to the Retirement Center, she takes a moment to reenact a scene from an old science fiction movie.

Earlier, Harley mentions fries prove the existence of God. Fries do not prove the existence of God. They prove the existence of the Culinary Sciences! If you can call dropping potatoes into boiling oil "culinary."

After killing another bounty hunter, Harley heads over to catch a roller derby match but arrives too late. The team lost. So to make it up to them, she runs over the entire opposing team before heading back to the old folks' home. I don't think she seriously hurt any of them because that might get the attention of Batman (even if he is way over there in Gotham. You know, about twenty or thirty yards away).

Oh. Um. Actually, Harley doesn't take the family to the retirement home to visit Ida Rubenstein at all. She takes them to the pier where she has them bound and gagged and then knocks them into the water one at a time.

Sad Trombone!

Oh yes! Alzheimer's! Nature's greatest punch line! I might have guessed that was what was really going on but it's such a depressing twist that I, a completely upbeat and perky person, would never naturally have come up with it! Stupid Harley! I hope she learned that lesson that I mentioned she was going to teach herself!

The family wind up being okay, so Harley heads back to work to have her final meeting with Mr. Sporky McTargeteye. Mr. Sporky McTargeteye's real name is Sy Borgman better known as Syborg! So that's almost as good as Sporky McTargeteye, I guess. Anyway, he's old and tired and needs help catching some international spies that have been on the run for like fifty years or something. So he asks Harley Quinn to serve her country by helping him take out the targets he's going to give her!

I guess Harley didn't learn that lesson she was teaching herself. Oh well. Crazy is as crazy does!

Harley Quinn #4 Rating: +3 Ranking. Fun and beautiful! Even if it wasn't very good (which it wasn't! I mean, it wasn't wasn't very good! Meaning it was good!), I'd still give it a positive ranking simply for Harley Quinn wanting to help every old person who utters a word no matter how ridiculous the word is. And then to stand up majestically like Captain America about to take on the Nazis and proudly proclaim, "Let's do this thing!" Magnificent! It would only have been better if she'd said, "Let's do the thing!" But still very good. Delicious.