Is this an early version of Morrison's Seven Soldiers of Victory? (Obviously the three Legionnaires count as one soldier.)
Oh, this could also be an early version of Demon Knights! With the proper writer (and Moritat as artist again? Yeah?), that could be a fantastic book, although I wouldn't mind General Glory being replaced by somebody, maybe John Constantine, or if they need to be more of a one-to-one replacement for a Lawful Good goody-two-shoes, maybe Stargirl? And obviously Elongated Man needs to be replaced by Detective Chimp. I wrote "obviously" but if there's a much stronger word that means the same thing, you can replace "obviously" with that. Maybe that word is saying, "Obviously! Duh! What are you? A moron?!" Some of you might be thinking, "What about that '50s era Dick Van Dyke lookin' cowboy?" And I'd have to say, "Oh, we keep Bat Lash! If for nothing else then I've read his Who's Who entry about six hundred times (which, coincidentally, is also why we're keeping Anthro!)" Other than this annual and the "B" issue of Who's Who, I'm not sure I've ever read a Bat Lash comic book. Unless he had a Secret Origins issue.
This issue begins with Justice League Europe and Justice League America all crammed into the little room where Justice League America were all touched by Waverider in their annual. But Waverider is off fucking around somewhere else. Which is super convenient for anybody who has been paying attention to Armageddon 2001 because Captain Atom is at this meeting. But before Justice League Europe head back to the London Embassy where Superman brings Waverider to touch everybody, Captain Atom fucks off. Yeah! Imagine that! The guy who turns out not to be Monarch just happens to avoid getting his future read by Waverider! What I mean to say is the guy who was supposed to be Monarch but winds up not being Monarch due to non-story-related issues but who probably would have been found out to be Monarch at the beginning of this annual if Waverider had only managed to infiltrate this room while both teams were there (assuming the editors hadn't already changed their mind about Captain Atom being Monarch at this point, is what I mean).
You know what? I'm just confusing everybody who was too young to read this "Summer Event" off the shelves. But all y'all who were there, you know what I'm talking about! We all fucking knew Monarch was Captain Atom! You couldn't fool us, DC! At least not until you fooled us by saying, "Surprise! Hawk is Monarch! I bet none of you idiots guessed that because none of the clues pointed to Hawk because it wasn't supposed to be him! Ha ha! Got you, you fucking tools! Thanks for blowing all your summer job money on this garbage! Choads!"
I'm finally in the right mood to read this comic book and that mood is "apoplectic at DC." How dare I imagine them talking to me that way?!
This issue begins with Justice League Europe and Justice League America all crammed into the little room where Justice League America were all touched by Waverider in their annual. But Waverider is off fucking around somewhere else. Which is super convenient for anybody who has been paying attention to Armageddon 2001 because Captain Atom is at this meeting. But before Justice League Europe head back to the London Embassy where Superman brings Waverider to touch everybody, Captain Atom fucks off. Yeah! Imagine that! The guy who turns out not to be Monarch just happens to avoid getting his future read by Waverider! What I mean to say is the guy who was supposed to be Monarch but winds up not being Monarch due to non-story-related issues but who probably would have been found out to be Monarch at the beginning of this annual if Waverider had only managed to infiltrate this room while both teams were there (assuming the editors hadn't already changed their mind about Captain Atom being Monarch at this point, is what I mean).
You know what? I'm just confusing everybody who was too young to read this "Summer Event" off the shelves. But all y'all who were there, you know what I'm talking about! We all fucking knew Monarch was Captain Atom! You couldn't fool us, DC! At least not until you fooled us by saying, "Surprise! Hawk is Monarch! I bet none of you idiots guessed that because none of the clues pointed to Hawk because it wasn't supposed to be him! Ha ha! Got you, you fucking tools! Thanks for blowing all your summer job money on this garbage! Choads!"
I'm finally in the right mood to read this comic book and that mood is "apoplectic at DC." How dare I imagine them talking to me that way?!
Waverider has learned a little thing called "consent" since the Justice League America annual.
Some of the heroes are a bit concerned about learning their futures. For good reasons because the two characters the creative team choose to show their concern are Crimson Fox and Blue Jay. Giffen and Jones probably chose them because they realized they were the two characters with the least chance at any future success in the DC Universe.
I don't know what eventually happens to Crimson Fox but Blue Jay, you're killed by that jerk standing behind Crimson Fox in twenty-five years or so.
Look at Wally's smirk in that caption. It's like he remembers killing Blue Jay at the Recovery Center For Sad Heroes in a few decades from now. And knowing how mixed up The Flash is in time travel nonsense, he probably does remember it!
The first person Waverider touches is Catherine Cobert even though she's not a hero. My guess at Catherine's future is that she fucked Captain Atom a ton and eventually developed super powers from all the radioactive cream pies she received.
Catherine's life hasn't changed much in ten years which is probably the most realistic story DC has ever done. She's still at the same job, still moaning about taking care of a bunch of arrestedly developed heroes, and wishing her sex life were better. One of DC's clues as to who Monarch was should have been Catherine thinking about how much she wanted to fuck him.
Speaking of Monarch, he wasn't a factor in any of the Justice League America futures. Shouldn't the heroes who didn't turn out to be Monarch at least be complaining about the new fascist hero making authoritarian waves? But not one word! Does he come out of absolutely nowhere in 2001? If I'd recently read Armageddon 2001, I'd probably know the answer to that.
The first person Waverider touches is Catherine Cobert even though she's not a hero. My guess at Catherine's future is that she fucked Captain Atom a ton and eventually developed super powers from all the radioactive cream pies she received.
Catherine's life hasn't changed much in ten years which is probably the most realistic story DC has ever done. She's still at the same job, still moaning about taking care of a bunch of arrestedly developed heroes, and wishing her sex life were better. One of DC's clues as to who Monarch was should have been Catherine thinking about how much she wanted to fuck him.
Speaking of Monarch, he wasn't a factor in any of the Justice League America futures. Shouldn't the heroes who didn't turn out to be Monarch at least be complaining about the new fascist hero making authoritarian waves? But not one word! Does he come out of absolutely nowhere in 2001? If I'd recently read Armageddon 2001, I'd probably know the answer to that.
Silver Sorceress is in Waverider's vision so he's apparently not very good at predicting the future.
Kara's cat is still alive in 2001 so that's some good news. Although Silver Sorceress is as well so I shouldn't get too excited about seeing the cat alive. Waverider's vision ends when Catherine witnesses the Justice League London Embassy disappear in a puff of smoke. He cuts contact from Catherine while acting really concerned about what he saw but then offers her no explanation about his reaction. So now she has to assume she's dying of Captain Atom Cream Pie Cancer in ten years.
Next up is Rocket Red. Waverider's vision of Rocket Red begins as Rocket Red suddenly appears in Camelot. Which isn't ten years ago but I suppose Waverider's power, attuned to the person he touches, simply displays where they're at ten years from now. And so what if that happens to be a fictionalized version of Great Britain thousands of years ago? I say "fictionalized" but this entire DC Universe is "fictionalized" and Camelot actually exists within it. King Arthur mistakes Rocket Red for the greatest knight he has ever seen. Merlin is super jealous although I think, judging by the tent in Arthur's royal robes, Gwenhwyfar should be the jealous one.
I used one of the Welsh spellings for the Queen and since I had to look up how to spell any version of her name anyway, I chose the one I liked best. Also King Arthur wasn't depicted with a boner. If he was, I'd have scanned in the panel for proof. Although if I weren't reading an annual which is already going to take me longer than it's worth, I'd have Photoshopped a boner onto King Arthur to prove he had one anyway. I'm not saying you can't trust anything I say but, well, just don't. I'm a fucking liar. So I guess I am saying that. You can't trust anything I say.
You might wonder why I would lie for no reason about a thirty year old comic book I'm reading. But I'll tell you exactly why: because I often admit really embarrassing stuff about myself on this blog and if I cultivate a facetious, whimsical, and exaggerative personality, you won't know when I'm actually admitting to something true!
Next up is Rocket Red. Waverider's vision of Rocket Red begins as Rocket Red suddenly appears in Camelot. Which isn't ten years ago but I suppose Waverider's power, attuned to the person he touches, simply displays where they're at ten years from now. And so what if that happens to be a fictionalized version of Great Britain thousands of years ago? I say "fictionalized" but this entire DC Universe is "fictionalized" and Camelot actually exists within it. King Arthur mistakes Rocket Red for the greatest knight he has ever seen. Merlin is super jealous although I think, judging by the tent in Arthur's royal robes, Gwenhwyfar should be the jealous one.
I used one of the Welsh spellings for the Queen and since I had to look up how to spell any version of her name anyway, I chose the one I liked best. Also King Arthur wasn't depicted with a boner. If he was, I'd have scanned in the panel for proof. Although if I weren't reading an annual which is already going to take me longer than it's worth, I'd have Photoshopped a boner onto King Arthur to prove he had one anyway. I'm not saying you can't trust anything I say but, well, just don't. I'm a fucking liar. So I guess I am saying that. You can't trust anything I say.
You might wonder why I would lie for no reason about a thirty year old comic book I'm reading. But I'll tell you exactly why: because I often admit really embarrassing stuff about myself on this blog and if I cultivate a facetious, whimsical, and exaggerative personality, you won't know when I'm actually admitting to something true!
Is this an example of what the kids mean when they call me "salty"?
Not only do the tumblr kids call me salty, they also say I'm a pathetic edgelord! But I'll show them that I'm not an edgelord! I won't make a single dead baby joke in this entire review!
Dmitri has loads of Round Table adventures until Merlin, consumed with CAYKE, summoned Etrigan to have him killed.
Dmitri has loads of Round Table adventures until Merlin, consumed with CAYKE, summoned Etrigan to have him killed.
No wait. CAYKE doesn't make any sense. Does that say ENVYE?
One less Rocket Red in the DC Universe won't bother anybody except the super nerds who somehow name Dmitri as their favorite character. Although if they're that super at being nerds, their favorite character is probably Rocket Red #7, the one that winds up being a Manhunter.
Power Girl is next. By now, the reader has probably realized that when the Embassy disappeared, Justice League Europe was scattered throughout time. Power Girl winds up in London during the blitz. Judging by the missiles crashing down around her, Slothrop fucked somebody right where Kara appears.
Power Girl runs into General Glory and his sidekick, Eddie. A building falls on Eddie, killing him, probably because he kept having impure thoughts about Power Girl's powers. For some reason, Power Girl winds up becoming General Glory's new sidekick, with the Guy Gardner haircut and everything. At this point, I'm seriously doubting Waverider's ability to see into the future. Pretty sure when he touches somebody, a random piece of fan-fiction about that character loads into his brain, deluding him into believing he's seeing the future. No wonder this idiot figures out Hank is Monarch when it's obvious Captain Atom was!
Metamorpho winds up in the future getting a drink with Jonah Hex. Remember when Jonah Hex wound up in the future post-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earths in a comic book called Hex? Now why didn't I read that series? I guess I didn't know how much I loved Jonah Hex in 1985.
Next, Waverider touches Silver Sorceress resulting in three blank pages. Because she's dead in 2001. Hell, she's dead in 1991. She just doesn't know it yet!
Remember how I lie all the time? Apparently Giffen and Jones didn't know Silver Sorceress would be dead well before 2001 also. She actually winds up back in prehistoric times being hit on by a cave woman.
Power Girl is next. By now, the reader has probably realized that when the Embassy disappeared, Justice League Europe was scattered throughout time. Power Girl winds up in London during the blitz. Judging by the missiles crashing down around her, Slothrop fucked somebody right where Kara appears.
Power Girl runs into General Glory and his sidekick, Eddie. A building falls on Eddie, killing him, probably because he kept having impure thoughts about Power Girl's powers. For some reason, Power Girl winds up becoming General Glory's new sidekick, with the Guy Gardner haircut and everything. At this point, I'm seriously doubting Waverider's ability to see into the future. Pretty sure when he touches somebody, a random piece of fan-fiction about that character loads into his brain, deluding him into believing he's seeing the future. No wonder this idiot figures out Hank is Monarch when it's obvious Captain Atom was!
Metamorpho winds up in the future getting a drink with Jonah Hex. Remember when Jonah Hex wound up in the future post-Crisis-on-Infinite-Earths in a comic book called Hex? Now why didn't I read that series? I guess I didn't know how much I loved Jonah Hex in 1985.
Next, Waverider touches Silver Sorceress resulting in three blank pages. Because she's dead in 2001. Hell, she's dead in 1991. She just doesn't know it yet!
Remember how I lie all the time? Apparently Giffen and Jones didn't know Silver Sorceress would be dead well before 2001 also. She actually winds up back in prehistoric times being hit on by a cave woman.
"Nima alunda Sorceress. Zug zug?"
Crimson Fox goes next and winds up in the American Frontier with Bat Lash. I sense some hot sex coming up. Pages and pages of it. So many dirty, filthy pages. Except Waverider doesn't tune in to my Crimson Fox/Bat Lash fan-fiction and instead they just run around getting shot at. Boring.
Blue Jay is up next but we all know his future so let's skip ahead a few pages.
Ralph Dibny winds up in Victorian London, teleporting right on top of Moriarty and pissing Sherlock Holmes right off. So much so that he doubles down on his heroin use. But the rest of the social elite love the way his neck grows. Finally, an audience that isn't sick to death of looking at his grotesque displays of elongation.
Just as Waverider is wrapping up his terribly thought out investigation, Captain Atom wanders in. Oh boy! Time for Waverider to discover the identity of Monarch! But before he can touch Captain Atom, the cat rubs up on Waverider's ankles and he sees the cat's future. Kara's cat's future explains why everybody wound up in various places throughout time. Waverider also realizes that Elongated Man, with the help of H.G. Wells' time machine, is able to hunt them all down and return them to 2001. So Waverider, realizing the whole adventure amounts to absolutely nothing, scares Mr. Big into shutting down his spy electronics in the cat's eye which will prevent any of this time travel nonsense from ever happening. After all that's figured out, Waverider touches Captain Atom and the story ends to be concluded in Armageddon 2001 #2! Because he's going to find out that Captain Atom is Monarch! Or that Captain Atom is the only person who can stop Monarch or who knows who Monarch is or whatever. Imagine how much of Armageddon 2001 #2 the writers and artists had to change after editorial began running around DC's offices screaming, "Everybody knows! We need to surprise them! Make up something else that doesn't make any sense! Step on it, you assholes!"
Justice League Europe Annual #2 Rating: No rating. I don't rate annuals. I don't even talk intelligently about comic books! I readily admit these aren't actually "reviews"! They're just read-alongs where I make snotty comments about terrible art and awful writing! And I rarely praise any of the creators who deserve to be praised because I'm a stingy, self-hating, low self-esteem piece of shit who offers nothing valuable to society at all. Are you happy now, Cullen Bunn?! You were right! I fucking suck!
That was more lying! If anything, I love myself too much, probably!
Blue Jay is up next but we all know his future so let's skip ahead a few pages.
Ralph Dibny winds up in Victorian London, teleporting right on top of Moriarty and pissing Sherlock Holmes right off. So much so that he doubles down on his heroin use. But the rest of the social elite love the way his neck grows. Finally, an audience that isn't sick to death of looking at his grotesque displays of elongation.
Just as Waverider is wrapping up his terribly thought out investigation, Captain Atom wanders in. Oh boy! Time for Waverider to discover the identity of Monarch! But before he can touch Captain Atom, the cat rubs up on Waverider's ankles and he sees the cat's future. Kara's cat's future explains why everybody wound up in various places throughout time. Waverider also realizes that Elongated Man, with the help of H.G. Wells' time machine, is able to hunt them all down and return them to 2001. So Waverider, realizing the whole adventure amounts to absolutely nothing, scares Mr. Big into shutting down his spy electronics in the cat's eye which will prevent any of this time travel nonsense from ever happening. After all that's figured out, Waverider touches Captain Atom and the story ends to be concluded in Armageddon 2001 #2! Because he's going to find out that Captain Atom is Monarch! Or that Captain Atom is the only person who can stop Monarch or who knows who Monarch is or whatever. Imagine how much of Armageddon 2001 #2 the writers and artists had to change after editorial began running around DC's offices screaming, "Everybody knows! We need to surprise them! Make up something else that doesn't make any sense! Step on it, you assholes!"
Justice League Europe Annual #2 Rating: No rating. I don't rate annuals. I don't even talk intelligently about comic books! I readily admit these aren't actually "reviews"! They're just read-alongs where I make snotty comments about terrible art and awful writing! And I rarely praise any of the creators who deserve to be praised because I'm a stingy, self-hating, low self-esteem piece of shit who offers nothing valuable to society at all. Are you happy now, Cullen Bunn?! You were right! I fucking suck!
That was more lying! If anything, I love myself too much, probably!
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