DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery (January 1983)

Aside from Superman and Cain, this cover looks like something I once drew in 1st Grade that wound up in a local art exhibit at the Triton Museum.

I've discussed this fabled art gallery work of mine before but I don't think I've ever posted a picture of it. That's because it's huge and I can't scan it. I would take a photo of it and then post it but after sitting on top of my bookcase for years, I finally packed it away somewhere and I don't remember where. So you'll just have to take my word for it that it was as awesome as this cover.

The inker on this issue is Tony DeZuniga, co-creator of Jonah Hex. He's got a lot more to his bio that's possibly more important to other people but the only thing I care about is his help in creating the best character in the DC Universe after Etrigan and Lobo. Don't assume those will be my top three character picks any other time than the immediate present as I write this because I'm sure tomorrow I'll remember Ambush Bug and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5. But right at this moment, I can only remember Lobo, Etrigan, and Jonah Hex.

The story begins on Halloween night and, I'm assuming, ends in the arrest of Cain and his name added to a registry.

"*CH* This is dispatch. There's a man in a brown suit hiding in a tree at 54 Elm Street watching lone children as they trick or treat. Can we get ten squad cars out there? Over and out. *CH*"

I don't think I'd be as creeped out if Cain were just standing behind the tree. But the way he's forced himself into the crook of the branches to kneel in the tree so close to the ground that his head would be higher if he were merely standing by it makes me positive that he's up to no good. And by "up to no good", I mean "pedophilia". But then again, he's got the Mark of Cain so nobody can harm him. After living for thousands of years with no serious repercussions to any of your actions, you probably become a wicked, sordid little tree pervert. Thanks a lot, God! "What's a good punishment for the first murderer to deter others from murdering?" You asked Yourself. "Maybe cursing the murderer with the inability to be harmed by anybody while he wanders the world forever!" You answered Yourself. How do people justify believing in You?!

The kid without any friends whose parents don't give a shit about rings the doorbell of some old lady who thinks she's funny.

The emergency was Little Ricky just realized he could buy beer.

Dan Mishkin doesn't waste anybody's time trying to make the reader wonder what the fuck is going on. On the same page where Little Ricky's pubes grow out, the shadow of Mr. Mxyzptlk can be seen hovering over the yard. I wonder how the House of Mystery will help Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards?

At the same time, Lois Lane throws a "Come As Somebody Famous" costume party. Over half the guests, including Clark, decided "famous" meant "super hero." There's a Wonder Girl and a Supergirl and a Flash and a Wonder Woman and Clark came as Green Lantern. Jimmy Olsen has come as Thor but I don't think that counts in this situation. Steve Lombard, the sportscaster and Lois Lane pussy chaser, came as Hercules so he could bully everybody else at the party. Nobody came as the wife and children he murdered. Not Steve! Hercules!

Before Steve Lombard can completely humiliate Clark in front of Lois, Superman crashes through the window!

I opted for buying beer as Ricky's sudden emergency over banging Lois because that seemed weird. Dan Mishkin felt differently.

For once, Lois insists on Superman telling her why he needs to save her life instead of implicitly trusting him. Clark tries to figure out who this imposter is by using his x-ray vision. Writers really loved his x-ray vision in the '80s, didn't they? Probably in the '60s and '70s too! Before Superman can take Lois against her will, Mxyzptlk turns Jimmy Olsen into the actual Thor.

And so Jimmy lost all of his family money when Marvel sued the shit out of him.

Jimmy's change into Thor causes lunkhead Steve Lombard to suspect that the Superman who just flew Lois out the window isn't really Superman but a magical duplicate. He may be right but he's only right because only an idiot would make a leap in logic that terrible. Clark uses his heat vision to make his fake Green Lantern ring glow so that it looks like he's been turned into the actual Green Lantern as well. You'd think it would melt but then you're probably young and don't remember a time when toys were actually made out of diecast metal instead of cheap plastic. Steve suggests Clark use the ring to go after the obviously fake Superman and Clark's all, "Okay! I'll try! But I'll probably fuck it up because I'm such a timid, stupid klutz!" Then he flies out the window after Ricky and Lois.

How did Ricky even know where Lois Lane lived? How did he know, as Superman, he should go grab her? Does Lois get into so much trouble in Metropolis and need saving by Superman so often that even little Ricky knows they're probably fucking? I'm sure Myxzptlk put all of that information into Ricky's head just to cause chaos for Superman.

Ricky flies Lois to the House of Mystery where Cain sits around telling stories to all the children he captured while hiding in trees on various Halloweens. Mr. Mxyzptlk shows up as well to tell everybody that he's planning a big Halloween trick on Superman and he needs all of their help. All the kids eagerly go along because Superman is a total square. Cain and Lois have no ability to stop the imp before he turns all of the kids into realistic versions of their Halloween costumes: ghosts, vampires, werewolves, witches, and, being the '80s, probably a few tramps, gypsies, and cheerleaders.

Superman uses his super-smelling power to trace Lois to the House of Mystery.

Lois thought Ricky was the actual Superman which is why she flooded her undergarments with her distinctive love lube.

The House speaks to Superman as he arrives, telling him that Lois is indeed inside and that if he doesn't find her in one hour, she'll be trapped in the House forever! Superman, having never heard of the House of Mystery, figures finding her will be a piece of cake. One hour to search every room in one house? He could do that in 30 seconds! But he begins to suspect it might not be so easy when his x-ray vision doesn't work and when a tentacled monster tries to eat him in the first room he searches. I would have said it tries to fuck him but I'm trying to write a little classier after I had to type "Lois's love lube."

While searching the house, Superman kills a kid by carelessly using his super powers.

To hide his crime, Supes carries the kid into the previous room and feeds it to the tentacle monster.

Superman goes through a few more trials before he utterly fails to find Lois. That's when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals himself and Superman is all, "Oh man! You sure got me good! What a great prank, Mxy!" And Cain is all, "But dude! He just killed your girlfriend!" And Supes is all, "No he didn't. He doesn't kill. He just loves to be a gigantic pain in my ass." Which is when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals to everybody how to send him back to the 5th Dimension by pointing out that Superman won't get him to say his name backwards so he's stuck with him forever this time. But Little Ricky comes up with a plan! Superman helped him get laid for the first time this Halloween night so he wants to repay him. Cain's been getting Mxy's name wrong all night and every time, Mxy says, "My name isn't X, it's Mxyzptlk!" So Billy is all, "Hey, Cain! Call him by his name backwards and he'll wind up saying it!" And Cain somehow knows how to say "Mxyzptlk" backwards off the cuff which is more impressive than anything Superman did this entire comic!

Lois is only just realizing she fucked a little kid.

DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery Rating: B. A decent Mxyzptlk comic with a nice, though short, visit to the House of Mystery. I don't know why so many kids in Halloween costumes have become trapped in the House of Mystery unless Cain really is hiding up trees and ambushing lone trick or treaters just to have people to tell stories to. I didn't mention the Atari Force insert because "ATARI" in the comic book means "Atari Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology and Research Institute Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means you get the point. Plus the comics were packaged with Atari 2600 game cartridges. I don't think I ever owned any because most of my Atari cartridges were just the chips which I had to stick into a green chip holder which you plugged into the machine because my mother liberated them from her job at Signetics. I don't think she stole them; I think they just sometimes got stuck to her clothing and she accidentally brought them home.

By the way, if anybody bought a sandalwood box full of 2600 chips at a garage sale in Santa Clara, I want my fucking Atari games back. My mom had no right to sell them to you!

Eclipso: The Darkness Within: Justice League America Annual #6 (1992)

I'm not saying Dan Jurgens shouldn't have made Booster Gold staring into Beetle's butthole but I am saying editorial should have sent the cover back with a note saying, "Can Booster Gold be looking somewhere else, please?"

This issue is called "Maximum Eclipse." I don't understand that title so much that I can't even make fun of it. Was it just that in the '90s, every piece of media was getting "Maximum" added to the title to show how super-duper exciting it was? This book isn't about your mother's eclipse! That eclipse was all minimum and shit. This eclipse is going to be as eclipsy as possible! The most eclipse ever! Like, the whole entire moon is going to be blocked by the shadow of the Earth! But even more so than usual! Just the maximum amount, baby!

You don't need special glasses to look at a lunar eclipse because you're actually looking at less sun than usual. But you probably should wear special glasses to gaze into Blue Beetle's butthole. Like the pair Booster is wearing on the cover.

Eclipso has been busy possessing some small time heroes like Valor and Hal Jordan. But he feels like his plan won't really be set in motion until he has the telepathic powers of Martian Manhunter! Ha ha! Good luck capturing him, Eclipso! He doesn't exist in the DC Universe right now because he's pretending to be Bloodwynd! And nobody knows that secret at all! I'm not even sure Dan Jurgens knows it! Although it was hinted at in the letters pages of Justice League Europe #42. Not that J'onn was Bloodwynd but that there will be a big surprise twist involving J'onn sometime in the future. And since I'm currently way in the future, I know the surprise is that J'onn is Bloodwynd!

Eclipso also wants to possess J'onn so he can do the hand jive.

Back on Earth, Guy Gardner fished his Green Lantern gear out of his apartment's incinerator because he's been rehired by the Guardians of the Universe. Probably because he's the greatest Green Lantern and not because Hal Jordan has been possessed by Eclipso. Although those two things are really kind of the same thing because you notice how Guy Gardner isn't currently possessed by Eclipso? Hal is a loser. I'm not sure why Guy didn't just keep his Warrior outfit on though. It's not like his regular Green Lantern outfit with the turtle neck and the Nazi styling and the big boots is any more regulation than his Warrior outfit. I guess he just wanted to stick it in stupid old Hal Jordan's dumb mug.

I have no idea why Guy is exclaiming, "Twinkies!"

Guy doesn't usually scream the name of Hostess products as an alternative to swearing so when he shows up to JLA headquarters and yells, "Twinkies!", it doesn't make any sense. Later he calls Bruce Gordon a "Twinkie" which I guess is supposed to explain it but why would he make it plural in the first panel he appears? Also I don't know if the blonde Twinkie is Bruce Gordon or not but I'm making an educated guess. Twinkie has come to the League to explain how they need to defeat Eclipso but he can't explain that until Superman arrives so Superman can say, "Listen to this man!" Because otherwise nobody is going to do anything on "this Twinkie's say-so."

(The quotes around that last section in that last paragraph were there to indicate that that was the phrase Guy Gardner used when he called Bruce a Twinkie. I'm only pointing that out in this parenthetical paragraph so that I don't get accused of plagiarism by Hbomberguy.)

Superman is late to the meeting because he's trying to recruit Wonder Woman to the battle. Wonder Woman says she isn't ready for a team even though she just recently teamed up with Justice League Europe. But that was in Greece to fight some mythological titans so really Justice League Europe was sidekicking for Wonder Woman. I guess she only fights Greek Gods. She has no interest in battling the God of Vengeance if it's not Nemesis. Although her disembodied head is on the cover so she might change her mind when the shit really hits the Acropolis.

After Superman leaves, some Boston cop starts shooting up a crowd and Wonder Woman gets drawn into the story.

As if a cop needs to be possessed by Eclipso to murder innocent civilians.

Wonder Woman subdues the cop so Eclipso sets him free. Then he's all, "Oh no! What happened? I didn't discharge my weapon and harm any innocent civilians, did I?!"

Yeah. Evil. As in "Boston Police Officer."

Comic books are way better than reality because this cop probably won't be charged for murdering all of those people due to being mind-controlled and not being responsible for his actions rather than if this happened in reality, the cop wouldn't be charged due to "qualified immunity" and the excuse that he feared for his safety. Why is it always the person with the gun who "feared for their safety"? It's so much easier to plead self-defense in court when you've murdered the other person and they can't testify against you! And it's obvious people with guns fear for their safety. That's why they have a gun! And it's also why they shouldn't have a gun because they're fucking scared of everything! And since their first thought is to use the gun in a conflict, they figure if the other person has a gun, they're going to use it on them! So they just start shooting like a maniac and then plead self-defense later. Regular citizens shouldn't be allowed to plead self-defense against a murder charge simply because they felt scared or threatened. And cops especially shouldn't be able to since they're supposed to be protecting citizens at the risk of their own lives! Not at the risk of all of our lives! This is why people love firemen and hate policemen. Because firemen actually do risk their lives to save people and policemen won't fucking risk a single hair on their fat mustache to save even children.

Anyway, Wonder Woman is convinced that evil must be stopped. But for some reason, she doesn't head down to the Boston Police Station and burn it to the ground. She heads off to Justice League Headquarters to join Superman and the others.

Guy's absolutely right and he'll be proven correct five thousand times over in the next few years.

When Wonder Woman shows up, all the women lose their shit. Apparently Wonder Woman is so gorgeous and upstanding and confident that every other woman in the room feels like slitting their wrists. I totally get that. I've had so many friends commit suicide over the years, I can only imagine it was due to my confidence, charm, and incredible wit. They could only look at me and think, "I'm living at such a low level compared to this master of life. Why should I even bother?"

Maxima flies off in a huff because Wonder Woman is so obviously superior to her. And while flying around angry, Starman appears and hands her a black diamond. Eclipso takes her over and realizes he never needed J'onn at all. Maxima's mind powers are equitable to J'onn's and she doesn't cower when somebody lights a cigarette.

Bloodwynd says he smells a rat and holds his nose while pointing at Metamorpho. So Metamorpho, pretending that his feelings are hurt, rushes off before people figure out what's wrong with him. Jurgens probably wants the readers to think Metamorpho is possessed but I bet Rex just can't stop thinking about all the ways Crimson Fox has fucked him in the last week and J'onn (who is Bloodwynd but also still a Martian!) is simply confused by kinky human sex acts.

Meanwhile, the Justice League has obviously still not invested in a human resources department.

Poor women of the DC Universe. Booster's from the future where men, apparently, have still never learned not to pull this shit.

The Justice League discover that some hero turned Eclipsed-villain has been attacking a nuclear waste storage facility when Max Lord calls them to turn on CNN. You'd think the Justice League would have some means of learning about villains attacking places that would be more prompt than sitting in front of a 24-hour news channel. But what do I know?! I'm not a comic book writer! I don't get how any of this shit works. Although most comic book writers have no idea either which is why the heroes are usually battling some villain who is attacking them directly. It's easier than coming up with some system to have the heroes know when shit is about to go down or has just begun to go down.

Redouble their efforts? Is math different on Krypton? Can you actually double zero there?

Bloodwynd flies off with the rest of the League to stop a future radioactive disaster while Beetle and Bruce Gordon remain behind to create flashlights. That means Metamorpho is safe to return without Bloodwynd being all, "The dead tell me you are a traitor!" Bruce Gordon rushes off too to do something mysterious leaving Blue Beetle not full of suspicion at all. Was it a big mystery in 1992 that Bruce Gordon was the main human host for Eclipso? Could he be working for him still?!

Maxima turns out to be the culprit blasting containers full of spent fuel rods. Weird that she would go after nuclear waste when there are so many actual nuclear power reactors all across the world. It's like Eclipso is just toying with the League! Guy Gardner and Superman collect a bunch of radioactive rubble and fly it out into space where it will be "harmless." Why doesn't Superman do this on a monthly basis? Just fly all the radioactive waste out to Uranus and toss it in? That wouldn't cause any trouble, right? Fucking around with Earth's environment can cause long-lasting problems but not fucking around with Uranus's! Who cares what happens to that planet, right?!

Back at Justice League headquarters, Eclipso himself attacks Blue Beetle! "What?! How did that happen?!" the readers of 1992 were wondering. Maybe that's why Bloodwynd had to voice his suspicions of Metamorpho. So that it wasn't so obvious that Bruce Gordon was Eclipso! Readers would be all, "Bloodwynd was right! Metamorpho was up to something!" Even if Bruce Gordon suddenly going, "Um, uh, I forgot I needed to do a thing!", wasn't the most suspicious part of the whole comic book. Although maybe that's the red herring! Because long time DC Comics readers would know Bruce Gordon was Eclipso. And DC doesn't like making their big event twists easy to guess! So much so that they'll change their entire plotted event at the last minute so that it doesn't make any sense. Imagine, Hawk was Monarch! Ha ha! So dumb!

Blue Beetle causes an explosion as he tries to contain Eclipso and that's when the first big twist takes place!

What is going on?! I'm so confused by this twist! Maybe Bruce Gordon really did have diarrhea!

If only Bloodwynd didn't have to appear so mysterious so his cover isn't blown, this could easily have been avoided! And I wouldn't be so confused!

Maxima tries to take control of Wonder Woman but that only works for a few minutes before Superman outwits her. Then everybody beats the shit out of her until she's unconscious and safe to transport back to headquarters where Blue Beetle can shine his flashlight on her. Except they don't realize Beetle's flashlight has been turned into slag! And Beetle's about to be!

Oh, um, also, Maxima doesn't stay out for long. The fight starts all over again and then Fire does this thing with her butt that, um, well, take a look for yourself!

Maxima isn't the only thing about to be beaten!

Maxima flies off while everybody is distracted by Fire's ass. And Beetle manages to defeat Eclipso by bluffing that all the lights were somehow going to start blasting solar energy into the building because they were running on Beetle's bug's solar charger. Except that's not how solar power works. Good thing Eclipso is just a big dumb old God who doesn't know anything about technology and science. When Eclipso flies away, he turns back into Starman whose body he was using. I guess Starman has shape-changing abilities?

Before the rest of the League return to find the headquarters in shambles, Blue Beetle does one of those cinematic movie mystery things where somebody approaches him from behind and he's all, "Oh, it's you!" Then he's blasted by a flash of light and kidnapped! Was it Rex? Was it Bruce?! Was it Eclipso himself?! I may never know because who knows where my Eclipso: The Darkness Within comic books are stored! Stupid past me deciding to organize the annuals by title instead of by event! What was I thinking?!

I bet Blue Beetle was "recruited" by Bruce Gordon to assault Eclipso's base/prison on the dark side of the moon. That might be my memory being useful or it might just be my insightful comic book reading abilities! And it could also be wrong so, you know, shut up.

The issue ends with Maxima taken, Blue Beetle missing, and Eclipso sitting on his throne pretending he's doing a good job taking over the world. I mean, a powerless guy in a stupid costume just beat one of his most powerful henchmen but I can see how, if I were a narcissistic loon, I'd convince myself I was doing a good job too. The next part of the story takes place in The Demon annual! I would have had that one even if I hadn't purchased all the Eclipso annuals! Too bad I don't have my comic book boxes organized in any coherent way or I'd dig it out and read it.

Justice League America Annual #6 Rating: B Tier. That wasn't too bad for an annual! Even the art was okay which surprises me because I first began reading Justice League Europe Annual #3 and let me tell you: the art in that is horrific! It was as if I just solved a weird cube puzzle and my eyes turned into a home for horny worms. That's something Clive Barker would have written, right? Maybe DC actually tried to put a little more effort into these event annuals than the tiny amount of effort they used to put into regular annuals. Why did annuals have to be twice as long but also four times as boring and eight times as ugly? It's like some kind of fourth dimensional equation. Have annuals gotten better over the years? I don't really remember any when I was reading The New 52. But then maybe that's because DC kept doing annual September events in lieu of annuals. Those were sort of the same thing in that they often didn't really have much to do with actual continuity while at the same time pretending that they were some crazy, can't-miss event tied in to every single title. Why do we comic book fans always fall for that shit?!

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