DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery (January 1983)

Aside from Superman and Cain, this cover looks like something I once drew in 1st Grade that wound up in a local art exhibit at the Triton Museum.

I've discussed this fabled art gallery work of mine before but I don't think I've ever posted a picture of it. That's because it's huge and I can't scan it. I would take a photo of it and then post it but after sitting on top of my bookcase for years, I finally packed it away somewhere and I don't remember where. So you'll just have to take my word for it that it was as awesome as this cover.

The inker on this issue is Tony DeZuniga, co-creator of Jonah Hex. He's got a lot more to his bio that's possibly more important to other people but the only thing I care about is his help in creating the best character in the DC Universe after Etrigan and Lobo. Don't assume those will be my top three character picks any other time than the immediate present as I write this because I'm sure tomorrow I'll remember Ambush Bug and 2-6-8-1-7-9-5. But right at this moment, I can only remember Lobo, Etrigan, and Jonah Hex.

The story begins on Halloween night and, I'm assuming, ends in the arrest of Cain and his name added to a registry.

"*CH* This is dispatch. There's a man in a brown suit hiding in a tree at 54 Elm Street watching lone children as they trick or treat. Can we get ten squad cars out there? Over and out. *CH*"

I don't think I'd be as creeped out if Cain were just standing behind the tree. But the way he's forced himself into the crook of the branches to kneel in the tree so close to the ground that his head would be higher if he were merely standing by it makes me positive that he's up to no good. And by "up to no good", I mean "pedophilia". But then again, he's got the Mark of Cain so nobody can harm him. After living for thousands of years with no serious repercussions to any of your actions, you probably become a wicked, sordid little tree pervert. Thanks a lot, God! "What's a good punishment for the first murderer to deter others from murdering?" You asked Yourself. "Maybe cursing the murderer with the inability to be harmed by anybody while he wanders the world forever!" You answered Yourself. How do people justify believing in You?!

The kid without any friends whose parents don't give a shit about rings the doorbell of some old lady who thinks she's funny.

The emergency was Little Ricky just realized he could buy beer.

Dan Mishkin doesn't waste anybody's time trying to make the reader wonder what the fuck is going on. On the same page where Little Ricky's pubes grow out, the shadow of Mr. Mxyzptlk can be seen hovering over the yard. I wonder how the House of Mystery will help Superman get Mxy to say his name backwards?

At the same time, Lois Lane throws a "Come As Somebody Famous" costume party. Over half the guests, including Clark, decided "famous" meant "super hero." There's a Wonder Girl and a Supergirl and a Flash and a Wonder Woman and Clark came as Green Lantern. Jimmy Olsen has come as Thor but I don't think that counts in this situation. Steve Lombard, the sportscaster and Lois Lane pussy chaser, came as Hercules so he could bully everybody else at the party. Nobody came as the wife and children he murdered. Not Steve! Hercules!

Before Steve Lombard can completely humiliate Clark in front of Lois, Superman crashes through the window!

I opted for buying beer as Ricky's sudden emergency over banging Lois because that seemed weird. Dan Mishkin felt differently.

For once, Lois insists on Superman telling her why he needs to save her life instead of implicitly trusting him. Clark tries to figure out who this imposter is by using his x-ray vision. Writers really loved his x-ray vision in the '80s, didn't they? Probably in the '60s and '70s too! Before Superman can take Lois against her will, Mxyzptlk turns Jimmy Olsen into the actual Thor.

And so Jimmy lost all of his family money when Marvel sued the shit out of him.

Jimmy's change into Thor causes lunkhead Steve Lombard to suspect that the Superman who just flew Lois out the window isn't really Superman but a magical duplicate. He may be right but he's only right because only an idiot would make a leap in logic that terrible. Clark uses his heat vision to make his fake Green Lantern ring glow so that it looks like he's been turned into the actual Green Lantern as well. You'd think it would melt but then you're probably young and don't remember a time when toys were actually made out of diecast metal instead of cheap plastic. Steve suggests Clark use the ring to go after the obviously fake Superman and Clark's all, "Okay! I'll try! But I'll probably fuck it up because I'm such a timid, stupid klutz!" Then he flies out the window after Ricky and Lois.

How did Ricky even know where Lois Lane lived? How did he know, as Superman, he should go grab her? Does Lois get into so much trouble in Metropolis and need saving by Superman so often that even little Ricky knows they're probably fucking? I'm sure Myxzptlk put all of that information into Ricky's head just to cause chaos for Superman.

Ricky flies Lois to the House of Mystery where Cain sits around telling stories to all the children he captured while hiding in trees on various Halloweens. Mr. Mxyzptlk shows up as well to tell everybody that he's planning a big Halloween trick on Superman and he needs all of their help. All the kids eagerly go along because Superman is a total square. Cain and Lois have no ability to stop the imp before he turns all of the kids into realistic versions of their Halloween costumes: ghosts, vampires, werewolves, witches, and, being the '80s, probably a few tramps, gypsies, and cheerleaders.

Superman uses his super-smelling power to trace Lois to the House of Mystery.

Lois thought Ricky was the actual Superman which is why she flooded her undergarments with her distinctive love lube.

The House speaks to Superman as he arrives, telling him that Lois is indeed inside and that if he doesn't find her in one hour, she'll be trapped in the House forever! Superman, having never heard of the House of Mystery, figures finding her will be a piece of cake. One hour to search every room in one house? He could do that in 30 seconds! But he begins to suspect it might not be so easy when his x-ray vision doesn't work and when a tentacled monster tries to eat him in the first room he searches. I would have said it tries to fuck him but I'm trying to write a little classier after I had to type "Lois's love lube."

While searching the house, Superman kills a kid by carelessly using his super powers.

To hide his crime, Supes carries the kid into the previous room and feeds it to the tentacle monster.

Superman goes through a few more trials before he utterly fails to find Lois. That's when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals himself and Superman is all, "Oh man! You sure got me good! What a great prank, Mxy!" And Cain is all, "But dude! He just killed your girlfriend!" And Supes is all, "No he didn't. He doesn't kill. He just loves to be a gigantic pain in my ass." Which is when Mr. Mxyzptlk reveals to everybody how to send him back to the 5th Dimension by pointing out that Superman won't get him to say his name backwards so he's stuck with him forever this time. But Little Ricky comes up with a plan! Superman helped him get laid for the first time this Halloween night so he wants to repay him. Cain's been getting Mxy's name wrong all night and every time, Mxy says, "My name isn't X, it's Mxyzptlk!" So Billy is all, "Hey, Cain! Call him by his name backwards and he'll wind up saying it!" And Cain somehow knows how to say "Mxyzptlk" backwards off the cuff which is more impressive than anything Superman did this entire comic!

Lois is only just realizing she fucked a little kid.

DC Comics Presents #53: Superman in the House of Mystery Rating: B. A decent Mxyzptlk comic with a nice, though short, visit to the House of Mystery. I don't know why so many kids in Halloween costumes have become trapped in the House of Mystery unless Cain really is hiding up trees and ambushing lone trick or treaters just to have people to tell stories to. I didn't mention the Atari Force insert because "ATARI" in the comic book means "Atari Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means "Atari Technology and Research Institute Technology And Research Institute Technology And Research Institute". Which means it means you get the point. Plus the comics were packaged with Atari 2600 game cartridges. I don't think I ever owned any because most of my Atari cartridges were just the chips which I had to stick into a green chip holder which you plugged into the machine because my mother liberated them from her job at Signetics. I don't think she stole them; I think they just sometimes got stuck to her clothing and she accidentally brought them home.

By the way, if anybody bought a sandalwood box full of 2600 chips at a garage sale in Santa Clara, I want my fucking Atari games back. My mom had no right to sell them to you!