DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man (June 1983)

I've never seen the phrase "triple-threat" used so incorrectly.

Gil Kane drew the cover of this issue just in case you were wondering, like me, "Who decided to draw Ralph Dibny like a fancy boy desperate to play with the older, more rough and tumble boys?" If you were thinking that like I was, were you also thinking this (like I was!): "I wonder where on Ralph's spiraling torso his balls are?"

What I'm trying to ask is, "Are you like me? Or am I desperately alone in this cold and uncaring universe?" I used to think the universe was described as cold and uncaring because rocks and space and the majority of things in the universe are cold and uncaring. Stars, if I'm doing the pretend math in my head correctly (it's pretend because making up numbers by pure guessing isn't actually math), make up just 0.000000000000000003% of the universe. So it's cold! And it's uncaring only because we, as sentient beings, love to project our own sentience onto every other thing in the universe, like stars and Ralph Dibny's balls. And right up until the last decade or so, I would have characterized the universe differently because we live among other sentient creatures who are often warm and caring. But then I learned most of them are not those things at all and they're more like asteroids and infinite expanses of cold vacuum and the majority of planets. They're also like the end of most living creatures where the defecation happens. Why do you think so many people are so cold and uncaring? It's probably because they've never read a book or enjoyed poetry or experienced and connected with another sentient beings most intimate artistic creation. They're just superficial dickfucks who have only ever pursued sex, money, and power. Man, those people suck so much I can't even think of an artistic way to express how much I think they suck. All I can do is envision a dirty, hairy ape squatting over a Van Gogh and spraying a terribly soft shit across it. That's what I see when I see those kinds of people. Sadly, those kinds of people now make up 99.999999999999999997% of all sentient beings in the universe.

Hopefully this comic book will make me feel better about the living wet shits populating the world around me because it's about Superman, Robin, and Elongated Man! They're like three of the most upbeat personalities in the DC Universe! If they can't make me see the wonder and joy of existence, my next comic book might as well be a loaded gun!

I don't know what their original crime was but they just asked a teenaged boy to touch them.

It's good to see Batman has taught Robin to kick his adversaries directly in the dick. Superman, on the other hand, goes straight for the heart. Probably to make their heart go into arrhythmia so the criminal panics and thinks they're having a heart attack as opposed to actually stopping their heart and killing them. Do you think Superman uses his x-ray vision to make sure a normal human being doesn't have any heart problems before he punches them in the heart unlike Batman who just shrugs and thinks, "If they didn't want to get punched into a heart attack, they shouldn't have decided to be poor and desperate and turn to crime. I didn't kill them; poor health and life decisions killed them."

Dibny just punches the guy in the heart because he's copying Superman. Sue loves when Ralph pretends to be Superman in the bedroom so he's learning as much as he can on this adventure. Mostly Sue loves Ralph pretending to be Superman because Superman doesn't have stretching powers and it forces Ralph to not do weird shit during sex, like putting his nose up her asshole while they kiss.

The issue begins with a dad abusing his son.

I'll only forgive this father if he thinks he's taking his kid to see a sex show and/or elephants shitting.

Turns out I can't forgive the father because he believes a "real show" is comprised of clowns, lions, and monkeys. I suppose that line-up doesn't rule out a terrific show but I highly doubt this circus feeds clowns to the lions while the monkeys throw shit at the audience. If that was the show the dad was talking about, he and his son are about to be sorely disappointed as it turns out the Elongated Man and Robin have taken over the circus for a charity event. It's either for Retired Circus Performers or Circus Kids with PTSD from Seeing Their Parents Murdered During a Performance.

The performance is disturbing enough that I'm not willing to scan any of the panels lest I be accused of running an erotic site for NAMBLA members. Just know that Robin swings from and bounces all over Ralph's body while Ralph grins disturbingly.

"Why can't my boy share my enthusiasm for my erotic club that somehow isn't explicitly illegal?"

For some reason, Clark Kent covers the circus's charity event as the anchorman for WGBS news. Maybe he suspects Lex Luthor's behind the event trying to fund some anti-Superman waste of everybody's time. I often comment how Batman could use therapy but never mention Lex's dire need for it. That's probably because he's an evil super villain and everybody simply assumes that all evil super villains could use therapy. But specifically Lex since he bases all of his schemes over destroying a made-up rival. I say "made-up" because you know Clark Kent doesn't spend any actual time thinking about Lex personally. And I don't mean that in a Don Draper in an elevator saying, "I don't think about you at all," kind of way because it's obvious all Don Draper does is think about his young up and coming competition. Clark would forget about Lex in a matter of minutes if Lex just stopped being a kryptonite pain in his ass.

What I can only assume are three men dressed as NAMBLA mascots interrupt Clark Kent's news report.

These are the guys who plead for Robin to touch them so I'm simply assuming they're with NAMBLA.

For the younger generations, "chump" was basically the "cunt" of the '50s. I know this comic book is from 1983 but it was written by a man born in 1952 and I'm assuming Mike W. Barr, being a comic book writer, suffers from some form of arrested development so he probably, at 30, still thought of "chump" as pretty rebellious.

Instead of punching Clark's stupid lights out, the NAMBLA mascots run right through him (because they're intangible). It's 1983 so that's probably not a crime although I'd say it's not just physical assault but sexual assault as well. If anybody ever actually gains the power to phase right through shit, I am stating right here and now that they do not have my consent to enter and pass through my body, no matter how much time it saves them getting to Point B.

There's an advert for Dungeons & Dragons in this comic book because they knew Satanists were really into comic books.

Look at this table full of nerds! I mean budding Satanists!

If I were a weird online incel weirdo, I'd probably scream about how woke this scene depicting kids playing role playing games was. But I'm actually an old person who was playing table top role playing games at the time this advert came out and our table was almost always 50% girls and 50% boys. Weird, hunh? Although by high school, our gaming group was exclusively boys but that's because women mature faster and the girls who used to play with us were out getting laid and going to parties while we were role playing doing those things with other guys.

Clark, being super smart, certainly realizes he should just step on this guy's feet to immobilize him since his feet must be tangible to be able to produce friction with the ground to propel himself forward!

Maybe Clark's even smarter than that and has decided, if this guy's intangible, how much chaos can he cause? Just let him run around not being able to touch anything until his little criminal mind gets tired and bored. What a stupid super power. Unless you're main goal is to completely aggravate your sibling on a road trip, not being able to touch somebody doesn't seem like it'll allow you to accomplish much.

The Intangibles rush through the side of the tent and begin scaring the horses pulling the cages containing the wild animals. A tiger gets loose and an elephant stampedes. So I guess they can cause chaos but to what end? To steal the proceeds from the charity event, one of them will have to become tangible long enough for Robin to get his head in a scissor lock with his crotch mashed against the guy's face. Then the father of the son who hates him will stand up and applaud and everybody around him will be all, "Why's he got that huge wet spot on the inseam of his pants?"

Robin takes out the tiger with sleeping gas while Ralph attempts to stop the elephant. But Superman gets there first.

I probably would have stopped it in one of the many other ways that wasn't "grab it by its dick."

Elongated Man doesn't seem too upset that Superman jerked off an elephant to save the day while Ralph humiliated himself by rubber banding his body around a bunch of posts for no reason.

The elephant wasn't upset either.

Superman's next move is to use his x-ray vision on the Intangibles which feels redundant and unscientific even if it isn't. Can x-ray vision help him see fog better? Not see in and through the fog better! But to help him see the fog better. How would his x-ray vision help when looking into an insubstantial person? I need these questions answered before I can continue to enjoy this comic book! It was fine when Superman pulled the elephant's penis and then the elephant grinned from flappy ear to flappy ear. That's understandable! But what use is using x-ray vision on an intangible person?!

But what did you expect it to reveal?! I'm beginning to see why Lex Luthor hates this stupid fucking jackass.

Superman does try to destroy the Intangible Man's foot with his heat vision which, as I pointed out earlier, was a good idea. But even that doesn't do anything. That must mean these Intangible men are simply projections of light with some super ventriloquism added! It's all a big illusion. Ralph Dibny wiggles his nose at them so he's probably beginning to suspect the truth. Robin hasn't been seen since he put the tigers to sleep and Superman beat off the elephant. I'm not suggesting Robin's doing anything untoward but if he reappears with tiger semen stains on his outfit, I won't be surprised.

Meanwhile, a tangible man in an intangible man's outfit fiddles with some doohickeys in a van nearby, recording all of Superman's attempts to use his super visions: x-ray, microscopic, telescopic, and heat. I guess it's common knowledge that he has those abilities because the guy's van's computer seems set up simply to tick off every time Superman uses one. Eventually Superman decides that throwing his "indestructible cape" over the intangible person should do the trick because he's the dumbest fucking asshole I've ever seen. God, no wonder Lex Luthor hates him. It's like when I see high school friends posting on Facebook and it makes me want to destroy them completely! Not just because they post the dumbest alt-reality shit but because they're so confident in their idiocy! No wonder these dumb jerks call so many people elitist. I guess if I were a stupid fuck who believed all the dumb shit in the world and somebody was all, "You're dumb," I'd think they were being elitist too! Nobody wants to do any rigorous self-examination just to come up with the realization that they're as stupid as everybody says they are.

A guy I knew back in the old neighborhood growing up posted recently, "But us conspiracy 'theorists' are nuts...crazy...out of our minds, right?!?!" He then followed his statement up with the craziest fucking video as evidence that his beliefs weren't crazy. I saw that post and instantly shaved my head and began wearing only purple and green outfits.

Seeing Superman fail with his cape, Robin decides maybe he'll have better luck than Superman at catching an uncatchable person.

Batman's not even here. Just call it a fucking rope, you kiss ass.

What do you think turns an ordinary rope into a Batrope? It must be made of bats, right?

After the Intangibles disappear, Superman, Robin, and Ralph try to figure out what just happened. Superman somehow gleans that they got him to use all of his vision powers but can't figure out how that could be meaningful. I figure it's so meaningless that if I were Superman the thought never even would have occurred to me! But he's hanging out with some great detectives so he's really trying to pull his weight here. Ralph realizes that the Intangibles didn't sink into the ground which doesn't make any sense because if they were intangible and didn't have any mass, why would they sink? Maybe he's just dumbing down the whole science of friction for Superman. It's easier to be all "How did their feet touch the ground if they weren't corporeal?" than to be all "How could they propel themselves forward if they had no surface area to push against the surface area of the ground?" See? Even I'm dumbing it down for Superman although mostly because I don't know how to realistically explain the science of movement and mass and insubstantiality! I think it has something to do with one of Newton's half-dozen laws.

Being that Superman and his detective friends won't be figuring out what happened any time soon, the comic book shifts to the perspective of the Intangible Men who explain everything as concisely as possible.

I don't understand the power of harnessing visual powers to somehow make his intangibility real but I do understand workers being taken advantage of by corporations! Go Frank!

Superman still has one vision power that the intangibles didn't get their grubby Hollywood mitts on: super-vision! I guess that vision allows him to see radiation and, luckily for Supers (unluckily for everybody at the circus that day), the Intangible projections left behind a whole mess of radiation! Does that explain how the projections could project through the walls of the circus tent? Or did the Intangibles set up projectors all over the circus in preparation for the event? That would be my guess because then Ralph and Dick's eventual realization that some Hollywood types were behind the chaos would make sense because they could have conducted interviews with the performers about any strange people they saw before the show which would have led them to discovering holographic projectors set up everywhere which would have led them to tracing the serial numbers on the projectors which would have given them the credit cards used to buy the equipment which would have led them to the business that purchased the equipment which would have led them to Frank's hideout in Hollywood. Instead, they figured it out like this:

Only a truly stupid deduction like this and the assumption that they must go to California to investigate could make me ignore filling this caption with sexual comments about the way Ralph's riding Robin and Superman.

Meanwhile in California which is where anybody who can do special effects lives, the Intangible Man decides to steal the third movie in a popular movie franchise. Usually that wouldn't be enough of a reason to whip out your cop gun and shoot the guy stealing the film but the director just told everybody, loudly and clearly, that he was carrying the only print of the film! Also I was just joking about that thing where a cop wouldn't shoot somebody for stealing a film. Fucking cops only know how to shoot shit. They can't actually solve crimes so they try to stop crime by showing repeatedly that they'll shoot anybody they want to. That's somehow supposed to make people feel safer. Usually it only makes racists feel safer because they assume cops won't shoot white people for no reason. But they're wrong. Cops will shoot anybody for no reason! They just can't get enough of it!

Now the Intangible Man will be charged with the murder of the two people the cop shot because District Attorneys are as corrupt as cops. They have to be or the cops won't testify for them!

See that? Somehow the harnessed powers of x-ray vision, telescopic vision, microscopic vision, and heat vision have come together to allow a man to be partly intangible and partly tangible at the same time! This comic book came out in 1984. Why haven't the kids who read this then and grew up to be scientists because of it invented this technology? I bet they have but the government covered it up. Or the tech industry disrupted it when some loser with no ideas but could charm the money out of rich idiots was all, "Forget intangibility. Don't you think people would rather be completely tangible for only a small monthly subscription fee?!"

The Intangibles somehow decide they're now worth 25 million dollars after stealing a film they can't release or sell because everybody knows it's been stolen and the slippers Judy Garland wore in The Wizard of Oz (which, you know, also can't be sold since they were so publicly stolen by these idiots). But their goal doesn't seem to be making money; it just seems to be in possessing items worth the most money ever stolen by any gang ever. Apparently they're just playing Grand Theft Auto but in real life (real life in this comic book, I mean).

How does that help, Robin? Do you understand time zones at all?!

I'm glad to see Robin kneeling on Superman's back instead of straddling it. When I say that, I'm speaking of my brain. My penis isn't glad to see it at all. Also I'm assuming Robin is the 19 year old teen wonder because I wouldn't want it to be weird. Although it's already weird (and completely fantastical) that I'd be interested in a twink like Robin. Have you not read all of my Justice League America reviews? I'm obviously into Ice Maiden and her constant under boob shots.

Superman scans all the Hollywood studios with his super-vision looking for the radiation signature left behind at the circus until he finds it all over a small studio in the Hollywood hills.

Ew. There's only one thing I can think of that Robin's using as a seat belt.

Superman breaks through the wall of the studio with his invulnerable body and Robin's face. Surprised, Frank pulls a gun plugged into a computer on Superman. Superman's all, "Ha ha! Give it your best shot!" And Frank is all, "Pyu! Pyu!" And Superman is all, "Oh fuck! I've made a huge mistake!" Frank thought the gun would make Superman intangible but instead it just fucked up his eyesight a little bit. Superman acted like it was the end of the world but I guess when you're used to 20/20 vision, suddenly seeing everything distorted can be a really slight irritation. At the very least, it causes enough of a distraction for Frank to get away.

Except Frank doesn't try to get away. He just watches Superman stumble around while thinking, "Well! That takes care of that!" Ralph and Robin also don't try to subdue the guy with the gun. Instead they follow Superman as he stumbles around the room. Is nobody going to take any of this seriously?

Um. What's with the glove? What does he plan on doing to these two?

Superman flies up into the atmosphere while Robin tries to kick a known intangible person in the dick. Seriously. That's twice in one comic book where Robin immediately begins the fight by going for some guy's junk. Superman doesn't have a clear idea how he's going to fix his vision. Maybe getting close to the sun and super healing? Anyway, before he can deal with his eyesight, he happens upon a plane that's going to crash due to damage to one of its wings. But Superman, having learned a few things about erotic massage from dating Lana, quickly fixes the plane without any need from his fucked up eyes.

Oh yeah. That's the stuff!

Superman flies up near the sun to stare into it and cure his fucked up eyes. Don't ask me how long it takes for Superman to get to the sun and back for two main reasons: this is a comic book and I'm an idiot. The only numbers I can come up with are "at least 16 minutes" and "probably four months." Neither of those numbers seem great for Robin and Ralph's survival against the show-biz folks. I guess they're dead, especially since there's only like two pages left in this story. I imagine one page shows Ralph and Robin being murdered and the final page shows Superman crying over their beaten and bloodied bodies.

Robin stole that breeze line from Superman!

In case you thought I was exaggerating about Superman staring directly into the sun from a few feet away, that caption should convince you to trust everything I say in these blogs. Like how Superman pulled an elephant's dick until it came and Robin wrapped Ralph's dick around himself for safety reasons.

Superman shows up just in time to take the credit for catching these guys even though Robin and Ralph have it all sorted. Then Robin makes a bad pun and Superman says, "How does Batman stand you?" And then Superman and Ralph laugh while Robin cries.

DC Comics Presents #58: Superman and Robin the Teen Wonder and the Elongated Man Rating: C. It was pretty fucking stupid. But it was entertainingly stupid which, really, is all I ask for from a comic book. Unless it's written by a British writer from the 1980s and then I expect my mind to be blown. The best part about this issue was the next issue blurb!

Ambush Bug! I have that issue somewhere!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 (April 1992)

Sonar trapped in Ralph's bunghole.

So far I've enjoyed this series but I'm also sort of glad it's over. I don't imagine Elongated Man could make four issues interesting without Sue Dibny, and I don't think Sue can carry much more than four. She's adorable and all but she's still married to the nose twitcher. And Sonar?! Please. Why'd I even mention him? Never more than an F-tier Green Lantern foe, he's only elevated in this series because his cohorts are all ridiculous foods from various European countries. Sadly, no villain based on a Communion Wafer attacks any of the conferences.

Last issue ended with Ralph being stalked by the Wurstwaffe, a mob of German supervillains that dress like sausages. This issue begins with them beating him senseless with a massive German penis.

I just wanted to show the German guy's cock. Dibny's head is way too far out of frame.

These German chodes reveling in violence remind me of some certain half a country of people but I just can't put my non-American-Nazi finger on it.

Each member of the Wurstwaffe's personality is based on the type of sausage they are. Bloodwurst makes people bleed by killing them. Weisswurst is a white guy who is shocked at the violence of the others for some reason. Leberwurst is, um, alive? Like a "liver," a person who lives? No? Knockwurst knocks people's heads together. Bratwurst whines. I think that's all the types of sausage there are. I suppose I just don't get some of the German-to-English punning, or I'm missing some literary trope because why is Liverwurst such a mother figure to the group? I get why they all hate him because Leberwurst sounds gross. But why does he always do everything for everybody? Oh! Is that because the liver is the workhorse of all the organs? But then why is Weisswurst such a Goddamn pussy? Does "white" imply "innocent and naïve" here?

After defeating the Wurstwaffe, Ralph learns who's behind the attacks on the European ambassadors.

You'll wait until Sue saves the day?

Sonar reveals to Sue how he tricked the Justice League into believing he was imprisoned by sending over a drunk Sonar look-a-like with substandard weapons. But his plan worked so well that Bito was left insulted by their belief that Sonar was such an incompetent asshole. That just expresses the importance of branding. You don't name yourself "Sonar" while using sonic weapons and think you're going to be the next villain to stymie every hero in the DC Universe during a big summer Annual event. At best, Sonar is just Count Vertigo with a worse name; at worst, he's just a toddler making a racket with his noisy toys.

Sue tries to piss him off by sarcastically asking him if he keeps the people of his country away from outsiders so nobody could see how happy they are.

Ouch, Bito. Not now, man.

Don't worry if that caption doesn't make sense to you. You just read this post divorced from the context of the day it was written.

Bito explains that he keeps the population of Modora away from technology so that things don't ride mankind and whatnot. He also points out that nobody in Europe believes in a superior race. Except for Bito. He still believes because he believes he is superior. Being that he's gone off on this Nazi tangent, Sue decides to do the right thing.

Saving the world one punch at a time.

Sue's act of defiance lights a fire under the people of Modora who begin a secret campaign to revolt. They fear they can't count on outside help since Modora is separated from the rest of Europe by a large mountain range and Archduke Bito's sonar technology blocks all forms of communication from entering or leaving the country. Little do they know, a hero has just parachuted into their country using his body as a parachute after stealing airfare from an airline flying between Berlin and Athens. These heroes really just do whatever they want, don't they?

I'm not against the heroes doing whatever they want! I trust they'll use their outrageous powers for the common good because of the pretext that I'm reading about their exploits in a comic book from 1992 when comic books still pretty much cared about heroes being heroic. But if Elongated Man were real, I wouldn't trust the fuck out of him. Although if Elongated Man were real then Sue Dibny would be too and, well, that's pretty hot.

The Modorans shoot Ralph out of the sky and he's knocked silly by the fall. But not killed! I knew he was invulnerable. I wonder if being invulnerable also means you can't get Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy? Imagine how punch drunk Ralph would be, well on his way to more serious brain issues. He's already been concussed about ten times in just the last few days alone.

Ralph uses a herd of sheep on the ground to help him escape the Modoran military when they come looking for him.

This is a clever way to make a joke about the sheepherder fucking his sheep because the Comics Code Authority can't refute that this kid just names his sheep after their wool styles.

This entire series has been way more horny than it has any right to be. I suppose the title Elongated Man just sets the tone for loads and loads of sex jokes. Plus his wife is super horny.

The people of Modora nurse Ralph back to health in the few minutes they're given before the army breaks down the door where they're keeping Ralph. Ralph escapes out the chimney which must never be used because he doesn't wind up looking like a frat guy on Halloween who doesn't give a shit about social norms or historic context and believes speech is free for everybody except people who might criticize his ignorant choice of costume.

Ralph heads to Bito's castle to save Sue but she's already saved herself. So instead, he gets into a fist fight with Bito who, obviously, explains his entire plan. It's not that complicated. He just loved getting rich selling weapons to various European countries and knew he'd sell way less weapons of war with a united Europe. Did he not think, "Maybe I can sell other shit? Like Modoran Beats Headphones? Or Surround Sound Stereo set-ups? Why does everything have to be about war and fighting? Why are so many people so fucking angry all of the time?

This isn't about me! I'm not really angry all the time anyway! I'm just being hyperbolic for the LOLs! Stop fucking critiquing me! I critique you!

Nobody even waffles. They fucking hate Sonar, don't they?

Once the people revolt, Bito stops fighting. He refuses to raise a weapon against his people, seeing them as innocent waifs corrupted by the outside world. He flees to defeat the world later in an arc over in Justice League Europe later. For now, Sue and Ralph simply finish their vacation in the quaint country of Modora while completely forgetting about the European Union because boring.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #4 Rating: A. Sue saves the day, just like we all knew Sue would. It's a trope as old as The Bible where the main hero/detective must win the day but they're kind of incompetent so their right hand man/woman/cat/dog does all the work to make sure that the villain/Son of God is apprehended and brought to justice. But the brains behind the mystery solving is seldom as sexy and horny and flirtatious as the one in this story. Sue Dibny just steals this entire narrative. That's probably why Sue and Ralph are such an iconic couple in the DC Universe. Because alone, Ralph Dibny is annoying. But with Sue at his side, they become a comedy pair and an example of a couple who really care about each other (even if one of them is fucking disgusting. How does Sue get it up after seeing what Ralph can do with that neck? I suppose it's because she also gets to see what Ralph does with his penis and ass sphincter). Overall, good book. Good story. Great fucking art. And only whatever children Gerard Jones victimized while writing this were hurt! Hmm, that's not actually a good trade-off, is it? Forget I even mentioned Gerard Jones' criminal hobbyhorse which he was ultimately convicted of so I can mention it without fear of legal action! Hopefully after Mosaic, I won't have much more of Gerard Jones's work to read.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 (March 1992)

From Copperhead's Who's Who entry: "Weaknesses: nausea inducing carnival rides."

If Elongated Man accidentally kills Copperhead this issue, the Italian courts will not find him guilty because his defense is "My wife is off fucking an Archduke." In Italy, if your spouse fucks a royal from any country, you're allowed one free murder (two if they're small). The Flash, on the other hand, isn't allowed any free murders so punching a guy in the face while running at superspeed is a huge risk.

Wait, Ralph. Why? Does Wally West hate Italians?!

I would think, statistically, The Flash would be the guy you'd most expect to bump into anywhere in the world. Being he's practically the only one who can be anywhere at anytime for any reason and not because he's such a huge fan of traveling abroad and learning about other cultures. Does The Flash need a passport or am I just asking ridiculous questions now? Obviously, he's a masked vigilante! Certain laws can never apply to you if nobody knows who you really are. Like, um, most of them, I guess! Shit. Are superheroes the baddies?

I didn't know Wally West was gay.

I don't think Wally is gay because he'd rather be at somebody else's wedding. Not even gay people probably love that. I think he's gay because he has such a close relationship with his mother that he wants to help her get in her dress! Weird. Maybe I shouldn't have said gay; maybe what I meant was incestuous.

Wally informs Ralph that he's here in Italy because Sue called him. Sue must have seen some news footage of Trampolina with Ralph in the background sticking both of his eyeballs out about five feet and screaming, "Ayoooogah!", while clapping his hands which he stretched to look like seal fins.

Things I have learned from this mini-series: Wally West is from Nebraska. Ralph Dibny is from Nebraska. Sue Dibny's private parts are constantly steaming hot and throbbing.

Who would have ever thought I'd be nostalgic for a time when Europe was trying to form a peaceful coalition of countries working together instead of everybody being right wing fucking bastards who just want to split and divide and act like assholes.

I was probably paying so little attention to European politics in 1992 that I barely understood what was going on in this comic book. In winter of 1992, I was probably most concerned with how to ditch the woman who took my virginity because I wanted to sit in my basement and play Apple IIe games and she wanted to, you know, do stuff. And I don't just mean sex stuff! I mean like go out to eat. Or go to the boardwalk. Or hang out with friends! She was so needy with all of her normal person, mundane desires!

I can't believe she wanted to fuck me! Such a loser! I mean me, not her!

Oh wait. I got the dates wrong. That was 1991 when I was trying to ditch her! In '92, I was trying to ditch the woman who began fucking me while I was sleeping! Although she was pretty easy to ditch because she knew what she had done!

I was just re-watching Peep Show recently and had forgotten that Mark had the same thing happen to him! But he felt a bit weirder about it because he was dreaming about his mother when he woke up to being fucked. I don't remember what I was dreaming. Probably something about me being at a party and shoving my dick in the oysters.

Ralph questions Calamari who reveals that somebody calling themselves the "Friend of Eurocrime" sent out some messages about how Europe will be harder to do crimes in if the Union happens. So all the criminals who are as dumb as the average conservative American who fell for that shit and began attacking the conferences and ambassadors to get them to stop. But Calamari decides to quit because he didn't realize he'd have to battle The Flash!

Meanwhile in Modora, Sue makes an excuse so she doesn't have to get to know Bito any better over wine and a nice cozy fire. It seems he's not as charming as he thought he was. So now he just has to eavesdrop on her all night. What a creep.

Wally West gives Ralph some last minute advice before running back to Nebraska to catch his mother's wedding.

The Pied Piper knows what's up. I'm surprised Wally listened to him.

Ralph already suspected the American ambassador because he's a huge chud. But he was so eager to blame everything on the guy Sue is hot for that he didn't trust his feelings. Sure, we all know his jealous feelings are the feelings pointing toward the correct leader of these assassination attempts. But it wouldn't be a mystery without a number of suspects! And, what do I know? Maybe it is the American chud! I've never been good at solving mysteries even though I read loads of Alfred Hitchcock books and magazines as a kid!

Sue's beginning to long for Ralph to be by her side as the shine begins wearing off of Bito's archdukiness and his good manners and his charming personality and his deep, deep pockets. But it doesn't last long before she's hopped up and ready to hop some other man.

Oooh! Stanford! A fancy lad!

I know Sue is just being friendly. I'm not one of those guys who thinks just because a woman is nice to me it means she's interested. Hell, a woman can practically put her hand down the front of the pants and I wouldn't think she's interested! I mean, I'd figure it out pretty quickly in that case. But mostly I'm pretty fucking blind to it.

Sue fishes about for some information about Modora from this young engineer working at the Institute of Loud Sounds. But he quickly realizes he's going to get himself in trouble, what with all of the technology in the place being built around sound probably meaning everything has a microphone in it. Which it does. He takes off before he reveals something that might make Sonar disappear him.

"Away" is bolded because Sue usually seduces them.

Seduce is a synonym for fuck a person's brains out. I figured over half of America are illiterate dullards so I should explain the easy (although less easy than other) words.

Bito learns that all of the shitty European super villains are giving up on the plan because they're afraid to battle Elongated Man. Did I say they were shitty? I meant super duper shitty. Imagine being afraid of Elongated Man?! What the fuck? This must be Gerard Jones' way of taking the piss out of Europe. All they can muster are stereotypical villains like Lutefisk from Denmark and Toad-in-the-Hole from Britain and L'Escargot from France and Calamari from Italy. The only villains willing to keep on going are the German villains. They're probably going to be based on Sausages and Genocide.

The next conference is in Berlin so we'll find out soon enough!

Yeah, yeah. I know I kept saying the first conference was in Berlin back in Issue #1. But I was being purposefully stupid! Duh! I'm an American! I didn't recognize the Eifel Tower and the French language and the long breads!

Ralph continues to investigate at the Berlin conference but he really mostly just spends time with his head interviewing Trampolina and his lower half probably in a bathroom somewhere tugging one out.

That's it. I'm now a member of the Pink Party.

Ralph drags himself away from Trampolina when he sees the French Ambassador arguing with the German Ambassador, mostly because the American Ambassador was pushing their buttons. The English Ambassador whines about the entire party and marches off to find some cucumber sandwiches. That's when the Sausage Brothers, um, attack?

Whatever is happening here just caused me to make currywurst in my pants.

It's understandable that one of the Sausage Brothers has a gigantic uncircumcised boner. Trampolina's flippin' hot.

It's weird to describe a penis as "an uncircumcised penis," right? That's just a fucking penis. I should only point out if it's been circumcised. Saying "uncircumcised" is like using a double negative.

The German gang of sausage men call themselves the Wurstwaffe. They manage to subdue all of the Ambassadors and then begin sneaking up on Ralph as he contemplates the mystery of the mysterious assassins. Meanwhile in Modora, Sue has caused a bit of trouble by investigating too much and she's being arrested by the Modoran army.

Yes, "arrested" just meant "arrested" and not "consensually fucked by." Sue's not just a sex object for your prurient thoughts! Get your head out of the gutter! Sue's an intelligent woman with a great personality and, in a few more years, footprints in her brain! So stop being so crass!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #3 Rating: A. Why is this stupid comic book so entertaining? I think because it's so stupid! It's just fun and I'm always saying after I say a lot of nonsense and vulgar words, "Comic books should be fun!" You might not remember me saying that recently but I'm pretty sure I said something like that back when I was reading The New 52's Demon Knights or All Star Western! Oh, and Gotham Academy! And Batgirl when she was living in that gentrified hipster part of Gotham! Fun comics are so much fun!

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 (February 1992)

If I ever see Warp out of his costume, I'm going to have nightmares about it until I die.

Characters whose costumes make their necks look impossible terrify me. Like Black Manta. And I guess Warp as seen here although Warp could be using his warp technology to make his face appear at the other end of that Dune Sandworm collar he's wearing. This being terrified of neck dysmorphia stems from being a small child flipping through a copy of Alice's Adventures in Wonderland and seeing that one Tenniel illustration depicting Alice after she's eaten a bit of the "Eat Me" cake.

I used to flip quickly through the book to get a glimpse of this image and scare the shit out of myself. On purpose.

Maybe this is why I can't stand The Elongated Man! That fucker can't spend ten minutes without stretching his neck out to ridiculous lengths.

Last issue, we learned that Sue Dibny wants to fuck the ruler of Modora, Sonar. We also learned Ralph Dibny wants to fuck mysteries more than he wants to fuck Sue. How is this the strongest marriage in the DC Universe? I mean before Sue was murdered by Brad Meltzer. Maybe Elongated Man constantly has his dick inside Sue and that's what really turns them on. How, you're asking? Please. The easiest trick in the book! He just stretches his penis down to near microscopic levels from his pant leg to Sue's hoo-hoo. Then he expands it as big as Sue wants! And there's no fear of somebody accidentally snapping it by tripping on it or something because Elongated Man is indestructible, right?

Ralph and Sue have traveled to Modora after being invited by Archduke Bito (who is also Sonar). They had been invited to some European Union summit in Paris for some reason and discovered that ambassadors were being targeted for assassination. Ralph thought that they should stick with the European Union Tour of '92 so they could attempt to catch the culprit but Sue, after being continuously hot-breathed by Sonar at the meeting where an ambassador was killed, realized he was probably the culprit. She convinced Ralph they should go to Modora to investigate and maybe have sex with its leader, if there's time.

Archduke Bito gives the Dibneys a short tour of the idyllic country life married to technologies of the 21st Century. It's such a utopian setting that Ralph can't help thinking Archduke Bito is up to no good. Also Sue wants to fuck him so obviously he doesn't trust the son of a sheepdog.

She's so fucking repulsed by him!

Archduke Bito probably blows his supervillain reveal too early in this mini-series for Sue to accidentally fuck him. Which is probably why she's so horny for Captain Atom later. I like to think she eventually did fuck Captain Atom but that means she would have had to beat out Catherine Cobert in the dash to his dick. Sure, he could have fucked them both, but Cap seemed way too awkward to pull that off. I'm sure he just fucked one of them one single time and then blustered his way out of the laundry room swearing to avoid all contact with them until he died and/or became Monarch and/or didn't become Monarch because DC editorial are cowards but he had already been written out of everything because he was supposed to be Monarch which is why he ended up in that fucking terrible Armageddon: The Alien Agenda. My main point is that Captain Atom probably fucked Sue and Catherine, probably at different times.

I just realized something. Does the plot of this mini-series have nothing to do with Sue's high horniness levels?! Fuck. Have I just let my male gaze run rampant all over my critique of this story?! Shit shit shit. Um, okay, forget about Sue's swollen vulva and Ralph's fat and also microscopically thin hog! It's time to get serious about political intrigue and the formation of the European Union which the British never really took to heart which is why they up and fucked themselves about thirty years later.

Ralph finally realizes why he finds Archduke Bito so familiar: he's Sonar, an old Green Lantern foe! But Sue is all, "Sonar's in jail, you jealous idiot. It can't be him."

Goddammit, Sue! I'm trying to move away from the "Sue's displaying legendary volumes of horniness on main" thesis statement!

It's possible Sue and Ralph discussed all of this "Bito is Sonar" stuff in the shitter on the plane into Modora so they know they're being eavesdropped on everywhere (except in the shitter of the plane because, ew, gross). So they're making as big a display as possible of their marriage in sexual shambles and Sue basically rubbing one out every time Bito's name is mentioned.

I'm sorry! I'd love to drop all the "Sue wants to fuck Bito" shit but I think it's integral to catching the baddie!

While Sue gets changed for dinner with Bito, Ralph stretches himself throughout the building's vents to spy on Bito. Seems a bit gay when your hot wife is sexily undressing in the next room! I don't know if women undress sexily because any time a woman undresses to me, it's fucking sexy. Except if it's because she just fell in a vat of sewage and is throwing up all over the place as she tears off her shit-matted clothes. That's only slightly sexy. But she'd probably appreciate me running in with a hose and, oh boy, now it's getting very sexy!

Ralph discovers Bito has been setting eavesdropping equipment all over the European Unity Tour's various locations. He then discovers Sonar's costume to put the nail in the mystery's coffin. But then he trigger's a trap and is killed by a blast of sonic noise. Ralph's lower half is still in his apartment though so that's going to be a gross little discovery for Sue.

Do you think Ralph's shits are normal? I'm not thinking about Ralph's shits because I like to think about another man's shits. I was just thinking, "Don't you shit when you die?" Then I was picturing Sue coming out of the bathroom putting on her last earring and discovering the unmoving lower half of her husband with massive ropes of shit streaming out of his boxers and his upper torso hanging out of the window. Then she'd probably yell, "Yahoo! Bito's dick, here I come! And come! And come! Oh mama!"

I can only picture sexual situations as Looney Tunes cartoons.

How can you ever again get wet for a man whose body you've seen do this?

At dinner, Bito admits that Modora suffers from the shame of Sonar, one of Bito's relatives who stole his name. Bito keeps the costume in his bedroom as a reminder. Also Sonar stole all of their sonic technology. Sue nods her head and says, "Yes, yes! That all makes perfect sense. Excuse me while I mop my pussy with one of these expensive napkins."

After dinner, Ralph catches a report from Italy that some villain named Calamari has disrupted the European Unity conference in Rome. He begins packing while Sue does not begin packing at all. She refuses to go with him. She doesn't say it's because he's constantly stretching his neck to fifty meters and twitching his nose like a rabbit finishing up a gram of cocaine but we all know those are two of the biggest reasons. She does sort of admit she's embarrassed by him so I guess that covers what I mentioned.

Is that "amazing technology" bit a threat about how she's about to use Sonar's vibrational sound machine?!

Ralph and Sue are hamming it up a bit too much in that last page for anybody to believe they're being serious. I mean anybody who doesn't actually think they're about to fuck Sue Dibny. If I were Bito and listening in on this, I'd probably have to change my underpants before Sue arrived in the library. And quickly make up an excuse about how the Linden Trees outside the window are currently in bloom.

Ralph travels to Italy without Sue while Sue "investigates" Bito. Ralph still seems to think the culprit might be the American ambassador because he's basically against the European Union and, you know, he's American. For some reason, he doesn't suspect the Italian Ambassador, Trampolina.

Sue Dibny who?

I have, from time to time, been known to say ACAB. But Trampolina in a sexy cop costume obviously doesn't count. She's the only good cop.

Sue winds up shopping a bunch and mooning over her husband who left her to fend for herself while Ralph winds up walking through dark alleys alone missing Sue. But Sue doesn't get attacked by Copperhead, Calamari, and Warp on the final page of the comic book. And Sue doesn't appreciate the appearance of The Flash just as she's about to be killed by the three aforementioned villains.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #2 Rating: A. It's weird how much I'm enjoying a comic book about Ralph and Sue not getting along on their European vacation because Sue wants to get dicked 24/7 and Ralph doesn't want to do any dicking. Maybe being all rubbery causes a loss of testosterone? Or maybe there's another reason I just can't put my finger on.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 #1 (January 1992)

Sue would rather be getting dicked hard than stopping this snail guy from robbing a cotillion.

By the '90s, Elongated Man was never going to be a strong enough character to carry his own series. And we all know the only reason he got this mini-series was due to his wife, Sue. Sue's probably the only reason I picked it up. Oh, and it only cost $1.00. People would take a chance on more comic books when they were easily affordable. I could make $20.00 in one day of yard work around my block, buy fifteen comic books and still have enough to go see a movie with my friends or hang out at the mall for 5 hours straight or take the bus to Great America where I had a season pass that probably cost only $20.00 itself and which let us spend all summer there. People often talk about inflation as if everything evens out between wages and how much shit costs. But they're fucking wrong because kids used to be able to afford to do a ton of shit with not much cash because a dollar went further and also because they were fucking allowed to go places without parents and people didn't completely freak the fuck out. And we didn't have iPhone lifelines to each other. We just disappeared into the Santa Cruz mountains on our bikes on a Saturday morning and our parents didn't know if we were alive or dead until we got back in the evening. Or called from Santa Cruz hoping they'd come pick us up because we actually biked from Santa Clara to Santa Cruz and didn't want to have to ride back over the Santa Cruz mountains to get home. But then our parents were all, "You fucked up, man. That's on you. Figure it out." So we shrugged and hitched a ride back up the mountain in the back of some guy's pickup truck after a detour where he took us down this weird side road into the forest to show off the boxing ring in his sketchy youth camp. Eventually he took us back to the ridge and we rode back down into Cupertino where we stopped at Taco Bravo for dinner before heading back down Bascom and into Santa Clara where our parents were all, "So what did you guys do?" And we were all, "Oh, nothing. Just riding around."

You know how many times I almost died riding my BMX or 10-speed up the Santa Cruz mountains? Like, um, three times probably! Four if you figure that guy we hitched a ride from thought better of murdering us all!

Oh, I know another reason I might have picked up this comic book: Mike Parobeck's art! He did a run on Justice Society of America later that same year which I also picked up mostly because of the art and the cover price. I dig his animation style.

Based on all the clues in this opening splash page, I'm going to guess this takes place in Berlin.

Why is Elongated Man chasing down Copperhead in the streets of Berlin? I don't know! This comic book began "In Media Res" which means "in the middle res". I suppose if I were a superhero having a nice day out in Berlin and suddenly saw a person dressed as a giant man-snake and is a known American hit-man, I might feel compelled to stop him doing whatever hit-manning he might be doing.

Although Sue makes at least four pretty strong arguments about why I might just mind my own business.

Three of Sue's arguments are not those cops who can maybe take care of the local crime themselves. Her four strong arguments (as if I need to explain such obvious arguments that any man can plainly see with their own eyes) are her fashion sense, her speed, the cute shocked expressions she makes, and her vulva.

Sue saves Ralph's life by throwing her fancy hat at Copperhead who apparently has a fancy hat phobia because he freaks out as if a crocodile had just latched itself to his face. It only keeps him down for a few moments but that's enough time for Sue's three non-arguments to catch up and arrest him.

The appearance of Warp interrupts Ralph who was probably about to finish, "Gay Park, Berlin, Germany."

Warp teleports Copperhead away from the cops. But now Elongated Man's nose begins twitching and Sue's vulva unswells because she knows there won't be any more fucking on this vacation. Ralph Dibny has a bigger boner for mysteries than he has for Sue's underpants. I guess he solved that mystery years ago and there's simply no allure for him anymore. Oh! I think I just solved the mystery of why they're in Gay Park, Berlin!

Sue reminds Ralph that they don't have time for mysteries that don't concern locating her sex opening with his sex rod and then doing sex. Except also they don't have time for that because they have to go to some fancy banquet where some minister of something is going to announce some policy of something. I could probably explain it better but it's fucking boring and the speech bubbles are plastered all around Sue trying to get dressed for the event so most of my brain power was used up in getting the boner while looking at Sue in her slip.

Ralph decides to wear a hideous purple tuxedo to the event and Sue points out that it's as ugly as his Elongated Man costume. Ralph seems to act like this is the first time he's heard that criticism when it seems like it should be the five millionth time he's heard it.

Does "provincial" mean "homophobic"?

That was a rhetorical question because I know the answer is yes.

Sue breaks the 4th wall at the bottom of page six as she gives Ralph a handjob.

You don't know. That could be Ralph's dick.

At the banquet or buffet or whatever the fuck large political gatherings on which a fuckton of the population's money has been spent, Ralph winds up swamped by fans wanting pictures and autographs. It must be a slow night at the rich people's party if Elongated Man's the most famous person there. Sue strictly told him no stretching or being famous so when he goes against her strict party rules, she wanders off to find a super hot guy in a uniform and tight pants to fuck.

Is it gay for me to want to see Sue's delicate hand pull this gentleman's giant hog out of his pants to watch it stiffen across a few panels? Whatever. I'm gay then! Fuck off.

That gentleman is Sonar. You can tell because he has such a mastery of sound that he can make his speech bubble go behind his leg! Maybe that indicates he's talking out of his asshole? Or his penis is speaking that line about loving the collision!

I'm fairly certain we see Sue Dibny orgasm on the next page.

She's so disappointed when she finds out he knows she's married!

Sue and Ralph have such a strong marriage that Sue doesn't mind when Ralph clumsily flirts with his hot co-workers and Ralph doesn't mind when Sue eye fucks Captain Atom and Superman and Sonar and pretty much every other guy aside from Wally West and Dmitri Pushkin. Also I think maybe you can take the "eye" out of that last sentence. My theory is that Sue Dibny was dying from uterine cancer after having an affair with Captain Atom and Ralph faked her "murder" with help from Jean Loring to save her reputation. Sue may or may not have been in on it. Also Jean Loring may or may not have been in on it. She was probably tricked into participating in Sue's euthanasia.

Sue does enjoy fucking a lot of hot guys who don't bend weird and have twitching noses but she doesn't like it when they think it's going to be easy to get into her underpants.

Spot on? Amazingly perceptive? Right on the money?

I'm sure a lot of people love the stability of Sue and Ralph's marriage, something to be counted on for all time (I mean, until Identity Crisis, of course). But I think Sue is too hot and sexy to not imagine her fucking every hot guy she lays her eyes on! I bet she'd even fuck Etrigan!

Has Sue Dibny ever been in a DC movie? I think she should be played by Aubrey Plaza.

Somebody named L'Escargot crashes the party really, really slowly. He terrifies nearly nobody until he begins puking slime on diplomats. And while it doesn't really cause anybody any harm, it's super embarrassing for the host country of the party, Germany. Ralph tries to catch L'Escargot with his gigantic rubber fist but L'Escargot just cums in his hand and escapes.

I didn't spend all those years as a man and not learn that "SPLORK" is the sound effect of a penis ejaculating.

If Ralph can jerk off some guy at this party, then Sue has every right to get her hands around some penis too.

Sonar manages to knock out L'Escargot with his sonic powers while making it look like he simply punched him out. And also, I was wrong about the slime not causing anybody harm.

See? German!

I just realized the reason for this 1992 European Tour. They're holding these conferences to work out all the kinks in forming the European Union! It's existed for over half my life so it's something that I tend to forget hasn't always been a thing. No more Francs and Deutschmarks and Lira and Goldoons! Although still Pounds for some reason. I suppose Brexit shouldn't have been too surprising when your country feels exempt from completely switching currency the way everybody else did.

I don't know which ambassador for what country was killed by L'Escargot but it wasn't the French or the German or the Italian. Thank God it wasn't the Italian ambassador!

How did any of this get past the Comics Code Authority?!

Ralph begins to suspect that the person behind the attacks must not want a united Europe! And he's really suspecting that America would be that person! I mean country! Unless it's just the American ambassador going rogue and then person is okay. But I suspect it's probably Sonar! Because, you know, he's a villain.

As things settle down at the party and the corpse is hidden away in a backroom, Sonar invites the Dibnys to Modora. But Ralph, seeing how Sue has been looking at him all night and smelling the sex fumes coming from her drippy drawers with his twitchy nose, refuses the invite. Smart man! But later that night, Sue can't stop thinking about Sonar's fat cock on her tongue.

"Don't you think we should be experimenting with other dicks in or around my other orifices?"

Now I really, really think Aubrey Plaza should play Sue Dibny in a movie and not just in the fantasy playing in my head right now.

Ralph sort of refuses to take Sue seriously because he's taking his marriage for granted. But Sue doesn't want to take their marriage for granted. Sue wants to fuck Count Bito.

I guess technically this comic book isn't X-rated but it's definitely caused an abundance of X-rated panels in my head.

Elongated Man: Europe '92 Rating: A. I understand that Sue doesn't actually want to fuck Sonar. I get that she's the Penny to Ralph's Inspector Gadget, the snickering cat to Ralph's Hong Kong Phooey. Ralph thinks the mystery is in Paris. I mean Berlin. But Sue already realizes the mystery will be unraveled only once they're allowed in Modora. And she probably doesn't want to fuck Sonar but he definitely makes her wet. Why won't Ralph fuck Sue while speaking in a Modoran accent? Doesn't he love his hot young sexy wife?! I can't believe I enjoyed an Elongated Man comic book this much.