Friday, November 4, 2016

Raven #2

If Marv Wolfman had any idea how to reach out to the next generation, he'd make Raven canonically asexual.

I have a theory as to why sexuality has become such a huge factor to the identity of young people. It's because they live in a world where white people are so obviously the baddies that nobody wants to be a white person. I mean, not exclusively a white person, anyway! If you're young and white, you need a way to identify as a minority and most people aren't buying that you're a werewolf. But guess what's easy to claim on the Internet? Any sexuality you want (heck, it's even easy to claim in real life!)! Even better, people have come to accept asexuality as part of that spectrum! Now you can be asexual and never have to deal with people coming on to you and bothering you or else they're gross and disgusting. I wish asexuality were common when I was in high school because then when I was getting a swirly and being called a virgin, I could have yelled back, "Blurble blurb blurb burblelurb!" That's "I'm a virgin by choice!" with toilet water in my mouth.

I know it's not cool to suggest that people aren't the things they say they are. But I'm just saying it in a general sense! I would never accuse anybody of being something other than what they claimed. I'll take it all at face value if we're interacting, especially if you're an adult and we're not on the Internet. But being that 95% of the Internet is made of lies, and knowing that an even greater percentage of teenagers lie about themselves to fit in with their peers, you can bet I'm skeptical about a lot of shit I read. Again, if you tell me you're a pansexual gray ace, I won't doubt you. But when I see so many people online claiming to be that, well, um, I mean, I'll believe them all. What the fuck do I care?! I've put things in my ass, who am I to judge?!

Remember that thing about 95% of the Internet being lies? You should probably think that part about my ass is part of that percentage.

Raven begins this issue by admitting that she and her soul self can divide into two separate beings. I say "admit" because I feel like that's something she's been hiding from everybody for quite some time now. Her admission also makes the Mystery of the White Carnival less of a mystery, right? Because it's obvious her soul self is off doing bad things when she passes out after masturbating to orgasm every night. And morning. And afternoon naps.

Raven claims that division only happens if she initiates it. Then she makes a Gremlins reference because Marv Wolfman is a seventy-year old man. Phoebe Cates was in Gremlins. Mmm. Oh, um, her reference was something about a warning that if she stays separated too long from her soul self, something will happen. Something bad. Probably something like the erection of a mysterious carnival painted white where lost children go to have their energy and youth sucked out of them.

I'm not applauding because I'm wondering where all of your momentum goes when you teleport while falling?

The next day at school, Raven reminds everybody of her new friends: Dude, Madison, and Archer. Joining the group is Antt with two T's (look, the spelling of her name is important for some reason! Why everybody thinks everybody else should be able to spell their name, I have no idea! Maybe if everybody would just stop trying to be the most individual individuals in Individual City, Starbucks wouldn't have so much trouble getting everybody's stupid fucking name right). Antt is really short and loves to talk about how short she is. I guess Raven didn't meet enough young people with terrible names last issue. Although she also meets Teri this issue and that name isn't too terrible.

Raven learns that Taylor went missing the previous night. Taylor is the one that had psychic powers, so Raven feels she should send her soul self to investigate. As if it doesn't already know what's going on, the rascal! And since it can't say, without incriminating itself, "Oh! Taylor is stuck on a ride at the White Carnival!", it just reports back to Raven that nothing is out of the ordinary. But then later that night, Archer goes missing too! He also winds up at the White Carnival!

I wonder if the White Carnival is a metaphor for something else? Drugs, maybe? Porn addiction? Role playing games?

Raven figures out the location of the White Carnival just seconds before everybody else in San Francisco figures it out too. Especially all of the teenagers! They're consumed with fiddling the White Carnival! Or snorting it. Or whatever!

The teenagers begin entering the White Carnival but Raven can't enter because some voice keeps telling her that she's still not ready. Unless the White Carnival isn't ready for Raven. Maybe it's a surprise party for her! Maybe her mother planned it! It's about time Raven's mom got in on the action. Everybody's had enough of Trigon.

I can't remember Raven's mother's name because I can never remember names. You should hear me trying to warn my teammates of danger in Overwatch! "Hanzo...I mean Tracer...No, Bastion! I just got Bastion! I mean Bastion just killed me! Dammit, why are we losing?!"

The White Carnival continues to grow and suck up teenagers while Raven can do nothing to stop it. In an apartment across the city, some super villains are all, "Should we put on our costumes now?" Then a purple and black costume is revealed but fuck if I recognize it. It just looks like a purple Blue Beetle outfit with a bowling bowl mask.

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye (*)
5. Suicide Squad (*)
6. Wonder Woman (*)
7. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
8. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
9. DK III: The Master Race (*)
10. Raven (*)
11. The Flash (*)
12. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
13. Earth 2: Society (*)

This feels like one of the extra issues that DC has to throw in to make a perfectly reasonable 4 issue story into a 6 issue story. Not much happens and little is revealed. I think the only major plot point was that Antt is spelled with two T's.

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