Friday, November 4, 2016

Cyborg #3

I am so uninterested in this comic book that I just read my summary of last month's story and wasn't really paying attention.

To be or not to be! That is the question that every highschooler reads and thinks, "What the fuck are you talking about, dude?" At least until the teacher spends forty minutes trying to get somebody in class to understand it before telling them, "It's about suicide, you nitwits! SUICIDE!" And then they're all, "Oh yeah? Fuckin' emo, dude!"

Man, I hope that Hamlet soliloquy is actually about suicide! Or was actually said by Hamlet! I don't think it was Macbeth because he was the one who had to battle the Ents and I don't think it was Othello because his speech began, "To love well or to love too well!"

This issue begins in the middle of a Justice League operation!

I realize Batman is trying to be motivational but this seems a bit harsh. How would he like it if every time he was struggling, Superman would yell, "Do it for your long dead, murdered parents!"

This is just a nightmare so it's really Cyborg saying this to Cyborg. That makes more sense. Cyborg has always been his harshest critic. Mostly because writers think it's the most fucking amazing shit to tell stories about examining what it means to be human using robots and cyborgs. And people seem to love it so much that every time I hear anybody say anything about Westworld, they quote each other with that whole "examining what it means to be human" line. We get it! You're so smart! You can parrot the smart things to say about a show you like! Bravo!

Oh, um, also, regular people that aren't robots are always their own harshest critics. So none of the Justice League is going to be this critical of Cyborg in real life! Hell, none of them would ever think Cyborg was the reason the Justice League failed. He's like the seventh reason to blame their failure on after Batman, Superman, Wonder Woman, Flash, Green Lantern, and Green Lantern!

No, I didn't forget Aquaman.

This is the exact opposite of what most women say to me! Stupid simple machines outdoing me in the bedroom!

Wonder Woman concludes that Cyborg not being human is the real flaw in the Justice League. You can tell it's a dream because she's not saying this for Aquaman's benefit while actually darting her eyes towards Aquaman and nodding in his direction and trying every other bit of body language in existence to say that Aquaman is the biggest flaw.

Cyborg wakes up from his nightmare and has an idiotic conversation with Sarah Charles.

Cyborg: "I just had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. I totally killed you for a bit there so I could update your memory banks. I mean, I didn't kill you. I, um, put you on sleep mode! Get it? Because you're not human!"
Cyborg: "No, seriously! I had a nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "No you didn't. Your brain was shut down."
Cyborg: "Are you a scientist? You're a scientist, right? Well, here's some evidence for you to work with: I just had a fucking nightmare!"
Sarah Charles: "Not possible. Maybe you just imagined you had a nightmare because you're stressed out?"
Cyborg: "I hate you."

Cyborg doesn't know how much he hates Sarah Charles until the next part of their conversation.

What the fuck does that mean, "fully normal"?! You think he's a freak!

I don't know why Cyborg made boxer shorts when he transformed. It's not like Sarah Charles, a doctor and scientist, hasn't seen a fifteen inch flaccid penis before. That's probably how big he'd make it, right? He'd be overcompensating for not really feeling human!

Vic and Sarah go out to a jazz club later where Vic runs into an old ex-girlfriend of his. She's a jazz singer which is why he probably doesn't remember her. The two halves of that sentence might not seem to make sense to you but have you ever dated a jazz singer? Oh wait. You probably wouldn't remember!

Her name is Britton Claire and she introduces herself as Vic's ex. Then Sarah calls her a slut and stomps out like a child. Sarah Charles is the worst! Also she might not have actually called Britton a slut. But she wanted to! You could see it in her eyes! Will Conrad draws a great pair of 'What a Slut' eyes! Remember when he was doing art for Stormwatch? Apollo looked at Midnighter that way constantly!

Britton explains that Vic broke off their relationship because he was in love with another woman. I've never broken up with someone because of that! Once I broke up with somebody because they were intruding on my time to play Apple IIe games! I was all, "I like putting my ding dong into your hoo-ha but I really need some time to become the paragon of virtue!"

Vic goes back to the lab to find out why his memory is so screwed up. The only person working is T.O. Morrow who quickly hides all of his illicit robot experiments to help Vic regain the memories that Vic's dad and Sarah Charles turned off after the Boom Tube accident.

Instead of restoring Vic's memories, Doctor Morrow explains that he's going to have to shut Vic down because Vic isn't really a person; he's just an out of control machine. And since Doctor Morrow was too stupid to just turn Vic off while Vic thought he was getting his memories restored, it's a good thing he called Superman in to help push Vic's off button.

And since Superman is all, "Sure, Doc Mor! I'll beat up Cyborg for you on your word alone!", it must mean this is all still part of Vic's nightmare. He's probably still stuck in some machine with his fake robot dad trying to force him to accept his robohumanity.

No, this is a new nightmare. Apparently it began when Doctor Morrow shut off Vic's brain activity to restore his memories. Just like earlier with Sarah! But this time, Vic's dream has him flipping the fuck out and he decides to go sleep vandalizing Detroit. Or Metropolis. Wherever the fuck this STAR Labs is.

Robot Daddy Silas Stone decides to take this opportunity to weasel his way into Vic's life and STAR Labs while Human Daddy Silas Stone is trapped in Robot Daddy's evil lair.

Meanwhile, Vic is still struggling in his nightmare where, I guess, he'll learn something important about himself. Like how he's human! Didn't he just learn that lesson in the Kilg%re story? Maybe he needs the message reconfirmed every few issues before he can truly believe it.

The Ranking!
0! Mostly I don't care about Cyborg or this comic book. But since it isn't demonstrably terrible in whatever it's doing that I don't care about, I won't penalize it! It can just float somewhere in the middle of the viscous substance that is mediocrity. That's probably for the best since Cyborg comics are used to being mediocre.

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