Friday, November 11, 2016

Green Arrow #9

Green Arrow offers Black Canary some protection as she perfumes her vagina.

According to the cover, Bear Fuck Island is also full of heroin poppies! That totally makes sense because when you're a bear, the greatest thing to do after eating a mouthful of poppies is to fuck whoever just washed up on shore. Also, the poppies are probably the reason the half-faced woman is building robots to guard the island! It's like how the Great and Terrible Oz decided to rule over Oz when he realized the street value of the heroin poppy fields surrounding the Emerald City. His hot air balloon basket was definitely lined with bags of heroin which is why he had to pretend to float off without Dorothy. The heroin just added too much weight to support a human female and her little dog too.

Last issue, I stated that Black Canary and Green Arrow were searching for Diggle by following bear tracks and semen. You probably thought I was joking, right? Well take a look at this, not true believers! I hope Stan Lee can't sue me for typing that.


While tracking Diggle and a certain bear that isn't wild simply because it's a bear but also because it's not civilized enough to understand the meaning of consent, Dinah and Ollie stumble on the field of orchids. I mean poppies! Poppies are the ones that make heroin. Orchids are the ones that look sexually perturbing. While he and Dinah share a moment of silence for all of the lives ruined by heroin, somebody falls off of the cliff behind them. Mostly because Green Arrow shoots an arrow at the lip of the cliff, destroying it. I guess that's his Mountain Smashing Arrow that you all remember.

The man who fell off the cliff is Ata, a First Nationer. He gets all snippy with Green Arrow because Green Arrow is a white man. Gah! It's so tiresome always getting called out on being a white male! It's like every time I take something that doesn't belong to me, or act like a woman in pain is just being dramatic, or call my retarded friends gay, people are always all, "Typical white guy!" How fair is that?! I mean, the guy has a point. Ollie is totes privved. That means "totally privileged" for all of you uncool readers out there. Also, I didn't want to spell privilege. But then I realized it might be confusing so I got out my word calculator and learned how to spell it correctly anyway.

Meanwhile, John Diggle is saying stupid things to his captor.

Don't admit to being enemies! Aren't you supposed to just be repeating your rank and serial number?!

Oh, my mistake! Diggle must know what he's doing because after calling Half-Face here a Ninth Circle Employee, she flips the fuck out trying to point out how she isn't one of them. She proves this by explaining her whole Bear Fuck Island operation to Diggle. In practically no time at all, Ana (that's Half-Face's real name) and Diggle become business partners! Apparently the natives of Bear Fuck Island are just trying to bring green technology to the world and make a little cash doing it. The Ninth Circle provided them with a substantial business loan but to secure the loan, Ana's tribe also had to produce heroin. Diggle explains how the Inferno sank and the bank is dead. But Ana insists that they still probably have two more Bank Ships floating about, the Purgatorio and the Paradiso!

Green Arrow and Black Canary learn all about the Bear Fuck Islander natives' tech from Ata as he leads them to the Bear Creation Laboratory. Apparently all the fucking bears died off but he brought them back for perverted reasons. And now Bear Fuck Island wants to bring their Fucking Bear Technology to the mainland! Except those gosh darned Bankers and Businessmen won't let them! I don't mean the regular ones that are just normal evil and vile! I'm talking about the weirdo ones that burn their employees' skin off before giving them a promotion.

Somewhere in the last eight issues, Green Arrow and Black Canary fell head over heels in love. I'm not sure I can pinpoint the exact moment but I think it was either when they fucked or when Black Canary called Oliver a privileged white male cis piece of shit billionaire asshole who was ruining the world and should probably go hang himself. Now they can't stop kissing each other every time somebody mentions how one person wants to kill another one! They giggle at that and start getting sloppy!

Oh my. The romance is getting me so wet!

I fucking hate competitive couples. I hate when two people are bickering and somebody says, "Get a room already!" I always think, "Better yet. Just stay the fuck away from each other!" Not that I'm saying a really good hate fuck isn't called for now and again. It's just probably not the best thing to found a relationship on. I feel like maybe Black Canary is enjoying the hate more than the fuck.

Oliver, Dinah, and Diggle destroy everything Ana and Ata created while attempting to escape the island. When Ata and Ana get pissed, Oliver just grins and says, "Let's get going! Once again, everything worked out for good old Green Arrow and his crew!" Then a bunch of explosions happen in the background and a bunch of bears burn to death. Green Arrow's final thought is, "I'm not sure how much good we've done here!" Ugh! Typical white guy!

So after destroying another people's native land, Oliver Queen heads back to Seattle with his friends. He'll probably never spare another thought for Bear Fuck Island and how he shit, pissed, and vomited all over the poor place.

The Ranking!
+0! Some of the art was cute although it was weird that Black Canary was drawn almost exclusively with her legs spread in one way or another. I don't think that was the main point of the story though! I think the main point was how native people could totally bring about a green revolution if it weren't for having to live with all of those horny bears.

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