Friday, November 18, 2016

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Firestorm!

This was my favorite song and dance number from last year's Gay Grammys. Was that redundant?

A friend posted a thing on Facebook about how the electoral college makes a person's vote in Wyoming more valuable than a person's vote in California. One of their friends responded, "So.......You support mob rule?" And the person wasn't being funny at all! Do they not understand how democracy works?! Democracy is mob rule! Except with courts to tell the mob they're being assholes. And then those assholes tell the courts to go fuck themselves because they're against the will of the mob! Then everything breaks down and the barbarians come!

Plus there's probably something to say about the tyranny of minorities and majorities and how some stupid piece of paper that holds people in its thrall somehow keeps any of those things from happening through pure belief in its power. Or something.

That has nothing to do with Firestorm. It might have something to do with The Metal Men though! Especially the way Doc Magnus rules the roost like some common fascist dictator with a penchant for shoving things in his ass. That was probably redundant (as is my joke about something being redundant. Nothing more redundant than that! Although if you didn't appreciate it, you can print it out and shove it up your ass like some fascist dictator attending the Gay Grammys).

My back still hurts and I haven't been to the comic book store yet. This week is the first week in nearly five years that I won't be picking up every DC comic. I've cut down the list so I can have more time to read things that I want to read. And also to play more Overwatch. Probably a little more of one than the other. Just pretend the more heavily weighted one is the more intellectual of the two options. It's not but, for my brain's self-esteem's sake, please pretend with me. I keep telling my brain that if it gets better at playing Winston, I'll let it reread the entire works of Shakespeare. It's trying so hard to figure out that damn monkey now!

The Firestorm Commentary!
This issue begins with something happening that probably could have used some kind of Content Warning.

Judging by the exaggerated expressions of shock, something sexual has to be taking place.

The Professor's advice is to do something. Jason Rausch's advice is actual helpful advice that could save Firestorm's bunghole virginity for Jason to get at later. I mean it could save Firestorm's life. I think we all know which two halves of Firestorm are destined to merge forever. That old white fart is no help to anybody. He probably doesn't even know how to erotically manipulate a prostate.

Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator continues to distort reality in the way a Quantum Field Generator never actually would. I mean, I know I don't have any idea what a Quantum Field Generator is, or what it might actually do. But I'm certain in the exact way I'm certain that God doesn't exist that it would not create monster flies, Cybornetic beings, and spider dinosaurs. Those of you who believe in God are probably thinking, "What's so improbable about spider dinosaurs?!"

Here's an additional fact about my atheism: not believing in God doesn't mean I think I know how everything came about, or how it's always existed, or never existed and then suddenly did exist. I'm comfortable not needing to make up a reason for my own existence, or a nonsensical starting point for everything. I just know that the answer to it all is not a magical man in the sky who hates homosexuality. Come to think of it, it's also not a magical woman in the sky who hates homosexuality. It's also not a magical non-gendered immortal and omnipotent being who neither loves nor hates homosexuality. And it definitely isn't any being of any kind who loves homosexuality! Unless the creator of the universe is Firestorm! Oh man! That would be a great revelation to the character. Firestorm is God! Or at least he's made in God's image. God is probably a merger of all of the Gods ever worshiped. Of course, the Christian God is the body. I mean, duh!

Firestorm's current dilemma is that General Eiling is going to bomb Multiplex's Quantum Field Generator which would be a huge disaster for obvious reasons. I mean, the reasons aren't really obvious but that's what happens when you base the conflict on some technobabble that nobody could possibly understand. The writer gets to tell the audience that something super bad is going to happen and the audience just has to accept it. In comic books, it's always easy to use quantum bullshit or nanotechfucktology because nobody reading comic books is smart enough to argue against it.

Professor Stein continues to be no help while Jason does all the heavy lifting, telepathically linked to Firestorm. Hopefully everybody realizes that Ronnie and Jason are meant to be Firestorm. I mean fuck buddies. No wait. I had it right the first time. And the second time too!

Ronnie's first coach sounds like a cliché spouting jackass.

You think I'm done with that whole "Was that redundant?" thing yet? Well I'm not! That last caption was probably redundant!

I should probably accept that a Quantum Field Generator is simply Gerry Conway's version of the Hitchhiker's Improbability Drive. That might not have made sense but at least it was clever!

While Jason takes care of General Eiling's bombers through technological shenanigannery, Firestorm attempts to close in on the Quantum Field Generator so Professor Stein can identify the off switch. But Ronnie's having trouble because getting through the reality distortion field is like "swatting wasps in a hurricane--they just keep coming!" First off, I think if you're in a hurricane and you're swatting wasps, you've probably lost your mind. First off, why are you still in a hurricane? You should have fucking evacuated instead of causing future problems for first responders when they have to pull your corpse out of a palm tree. And second of all, why the fuck are you swatting at wasps?! Jesus Christ! Those things will fuck you up! Forget the hurricane! There's never a good time to fucking swat at wasps, you idiot! I have lost all faith in Firestorm. This is what happens when you teach your young men in nothing but sports platitudes.

Because there are so many Multiplexes, Ronnie decides to unFirestorm. So instead of hundreds against one of the most powerful superheroes in the DC Universe, it'll be hundreds against an old man and a high school quarterback. Great plan! I mean, seriously, great plan because it works! Ronnie blocks all of the Multiplexes as Professor Stein runs up to the machine and flips the off switch. Seriously. I was making a joke earlier about the off switch but the machine really has an off switch. Luckily, Dr. Cunningham, the woman Multiplex was holding hostage and apparently doesn't know how to flip switches, is able to point at the off switch so Professor Mantin Steinman could man man man man man man.

Ronnie and Stein return to Firestorm and he tries to rescue Multiplex and Dr. Cunningham. But Multiplex wriggles out of his glove and goes, "Ha ha! I have escaped!" Then he's bombed into smithereens by General Eiling's bombers and Jason Rausch laughs and laughs and laughs! Ha ha! The bad guy sure got his!

Back at school, Jason confronts the girl he's supposed to be fucking because she's the odd, weird, smart girl. Except she doesn't know he's gay. Also she slipped some Rohypnol in a soda she gave him so that he'd fuck up his interview for the company she's also trying to get an internship at.

Oh sure! A good person would just allow a somebody to go around putting dangerous drugs in other student's drinks! Don't alert anybody to her criminal behavior! Snitches get stitches, bitches!

The story ends with Jason Rausch still not allowed to be part of Firestorm. But he is offered a place on the team using the telepathic helmet! So instead of one stupid disembodied head floating around Firestorm's face, there will be two! Oh joy! They just doubled down on the worst part about this entire comic book (aside from the lack of gay sex)!

The Review!
This book isn't going to get on The Rankings because it's four books in one that I'm splitting into different reviews. Besides, it's over now! And if you didn't read it as Legends of Tomorrow, you'll probably get to read it as a trade paperback soon. I know the Sugar and Spike one is available! And it's totally worth reading because it humiliates DC's big three heroes! This one isn't really worth picking up because it doesn't delve into the homosexual relationship between Ronnie and Jason. Or if it does, it gets really creepy because now Martin Stein is in some kind of homosexual May-December romance with Ronnie. It's so gross!

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