Tuesday, November 22, 2016

Legends of Tomorrow #6: Sugar & Spike!

Sugar & Spike have the same amount of pages in this book as Firestorm. This cover is bullshit.

Everybody should be happy now that we're living in Trumpland! In Trumpland, nobody is ever allowed to make you feel stupid or else you'll get a fist in the face, buddy! Finally, the violent and dumb are perfectly normal citizens! And don't think you can get away with pretending you didn't know you were making somebody feel dumb! Don't you dare read a book that doesn't have "Choose Your Own Adventure" on the cover in public because that would make so many people feel stupid! And only use the same vocabulary that Trump uses. You know, short, easily learned words. The kinds of words they use as examples for parts of speech in Mad Libs. Some words that are okay to use in Trumpland: Sad! Unfair! The Best! Mad! Dog! Cat! Banana! You know what? I'd stay away from using "banana" because it just has too many syllables. You should also put "really" in front of words you want to emphasize instead of using the words that already exist that mean the easy word but to a greater degree. So don't say ecstatic! Say really, really, really happy! And don't say indefinable. Say really, really, really not a best word! And don't say female orgasm because no man in Trumpland has ever pleasured a woman in his life! Sure, a lot of them have pleasured themselves inside a woman. But the woman was probably making a grocery list in her head during it.

I'm going to love living in Trumpland! Nobody can argue with me ever again because facts don't exist! We all just get to believe what we want to believe and feel really fucking good about ourselves! Although I have a feeling a lot of people probably suspect that they're not as smart or right as they pretend to think they are. Losers!

Anyway, I wonder if Sugar & Spike would help supervillains or morally bankrupt space assassins from Czarnia with their past indiscretions? Because I'm pretty sure Lobo probably wouldn't mind Sugar & Spike locating and destroying the video of his wedding with Bueno Excellente.

Perhaps "indiscretion" isn't the right word for what happened here. I think there's a harsher, more repugnant word for it. And one that Lobo doesn't have to be ashamed of at all. What happened to him wasn't his fault! I mean, it kind of was his fault a little bit. Mostly because he became popular enough for Garth Ennis to want to humiliate him.

Sugar & Spike are now the proud owners of the Museum of Humiliating Comic Book Story Arcs. I suppose it's more accurate to say that they're oddities since that's what the comic book calls them. Also, they have displays like Cheeks the Toy Wonder and when did he ever humiliate anybody? I don't think Ambush Bug was ever embarrassed about having him as a sidekick. I have a Cheeks the Toy Wonder project for DC Comics that I'll never get around to writing because why would DC Comics ever want me to write anything for them? Especially unsolicited! Also I have no wish to write comic books. I'd probably write half of the first story and get bored with it. But I'm not going to say any more about it because I don't want some hack like Cullen Bunn stealing my idea!

While unpacking the new displays, Sugar and Spike and Lee Carver (the guy who founded the museum) are visited by Saturn Girl, Cosmic Boy, and Lightning Lad. But not the dorks from the eighties or nineties or other decades that are more cool than the older decades. No, these are the original super duper dorks from whatever decade they were invented! I think. I wasn't born then so how would I know exactly when these particular versions of the characters are from?!

The three original Legionnaires want to hire Sugar and Spike for a job! I mean, of course that's what they want. That's the whole point of this comic book. If they had wanted to have sex with them, this review would just be full of orgy pictures and semen stains.

While the job is being discussed, more Legionnaires arrive! This time, it's Lightning Lad, Brainiac Five, and Supergirl! Is Supergirl a member of the Legion of Super-heroes? Probably a complimentary member, or whatever word I actually meant to use that's different than complimentary. Who can be bothered to know things? I'm living in a Post-Trump World! Unless it's just a Trump World. Does it matter? Nobody can correct me in Trumpland because facts don't matter! All opinions are equal! I'm going to get a job building rockets!

These new Legionnaires appear in a Time Bubble instead of a Time Closet. That means they're more moderner! This is going to turn into one of those crazy time travel situations, isn't it?! Sugar realizes things are about to get stupid too and decides she's had enough for the day.

Shower?! Now we're talking! Pants off!

As you might have been able to tell, if you're an astute reader (and who isn't in Trumpland?!), the reason I scanned the panel where Sugar says she's going to take a shower is because there are no panels of the actual shower. Would you like me to draw one for you?

Pretty good for using a touch pad and not being totally familiar with a naked female body! Right?

After her shower, Sugar discovers she's part of a time paradox. It's a good thing time paradoxes don't actually exist or she'd be in trouble! How do I know they don't exist? Well, have you ever encountered one?! See? That's also my proof of the non-existence of God! And fish tacos without cabbage in them.

I almost typed "And fish tacos without cabbage in" but I don't think it's acceptable to speak like a Britisher in Trumpland. You have to go to Farage Island for that! Never heard of Farage Island? Maybe you know it as Cuntsville?

Supergirl and Sugar rush off to STAR Labs to grab the whatzit that'll stop the time paradox from happening, even though it never really happened. Because it's not a thing! And this story proves it! Because all of these Legionnaires come from all sorts of futures to stop the time paradox which is stopped by Sugar's retrieval of the whatzit which means the time paradox never happened! Not that it would have happened anyway, time being what it is! Sugar could have just taken a much longer shower and everything would have resolved nicely because time paradoxes can't exist! That's why the word paradox is in there! I know this is Trumpland but sometimes you're going to have to use a fucking dictionary!

The Review!
I definitely wouldn't mind the occasional one-shot Sugar & Spike comic book after this. I'm not sure I'd want to read a monthly Giffen title because his dialogue is too confusing and I generally have to read his books two or three times before I ask somebody to help me figure it out. But I adore the concept of this series. It's also quite brave! Giffen is taking stories that are so obviously out of continuity that he'd be a fool to admit that they are continuity! Good thing he's such a fool then, right?

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