Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Bitch Planet #9

Why is Bitch Planet advocating voting for Donald Trump?!

On the day after America decided to stop pretending it wasn't sexist (even though it wasn't pretending very hard to begin with), I'm not sure I should be allowed to comment on a comic book called Bitch Planet. I am far too flippant to discuss serious topics like imprisoning non-compliant women on planets located on the far end of the solar system! I don't think now is the time for jokes about women being disrespected! Okay, I'm guessing some of you immediately thought, "You fucking think there's a time for those kinds of jokes?!" Well, yeah! I do! The ultimate goal of equality is for everybody to be the butt of a joke without it feeling like an attempt to dehumanize and take away somebody's power! The ultimate goal of an equal society isn't that nobody is ever made fun of! It's that anybody can be made fun of in the current way almost nobody cares when white hetero men are the butt of a joke! I say "almost" because there will always be a few hugely butthurt white nerds tsk-tsking from the back of the room. I don't mean this next part in a mean or condescending way but in a way that needs to be addressed because it's important to why they feel picked on: they're usually non-teenage (and sometimes late teenage) virgins. Being an older virgin can make a person feel useless and unwanted, and the feeling compounds weekly. The anxiety of not getting laid turns into resentment, bitterness, and anger. They begin to feel they are somehow owed this right of passage. Women no longer become friends or coworkers or possible romantic companions. They become the enemy, withholding the most sacred of all life experiences. Not that I'm speaking from experience! Women have been totally throwing their vaginas at me my whole life, and sometimes their buttholes too! My teenage years were like a waterfall of poontang! I was always having to tell women, "No, no! Not now! The Birds and the Bugs will have to wait! I'm trying to eat my pizza rolls right now!" And they were always, "But my place aches! You know the place! The place where the doing it happens! Do the thing to that place!" And I'd be all, "Oh my god! I just totally burnt the roof of my mouth!" And they'd be all, "Oh yeah! Yeah! Say more of that dirty stuff!"

Man, I hope people believe my sexy teenage life stories! I mean, because they are true and they should totally be believed! Unless they were sexist and I shouldn't have told them! I told you I shouldn't be commenting on this comic book!

But how can I not comment on this comic book! It's so good! And totally tells it like it is but in a secret fictional way that makes some people think, "Can you imagine if the world were really like this?!" And other people are nudge-nudging each other behind the person's back and whispering, "How cute! They think this is an allegory and not reality!"

Ha ha! It's true! Men never lie! It's like they don't know how! Or are too stupid to!

It's been nine issues and so far the Bitch Planet Megaton Team hasn't even played a real game! I thought this book was going to be an exciting underdog sports tale! If The Bad News Bears had taken this long to get into the baseball action, nobody would have said things like, "The best baseball movie ever made that featured a drunk man driving around a car full of kids hanging out of his convertible!" Or this great review of the movie, "Never has a team full of spics, niggers, women, and Jews wormed its way into America's heart like the Bad News Bears!" That part with all the racial epithets is practically a direct quote from Tanner from the movie, so don't get mad at me! Get mad at the twelve year old white kid with the filthy mouth! Also, now that I'm thinking back to that movie, it took an awful long time to really get to the baseball. It really dragged on with that whole relationship plot between Buttermaker and Amanda! Why was that even in the movie?! So boring!

Oh! What I was going to point out was that it's almost time for a real game! All of the contracts have been signed and now they just have to build a stadium on Bitch Planet. And that probably won't take more than six or seven issues, right?! I wonder what the Bitch Planet team mascot is going to be? Probably a huge cock and balls with Band-aids all over it and a big black eye! Not to be confused with a big black guy's cock and balls! Although that would work too! Also it should probably be circumcised! Otherwise people might think it's just a big sea cucumber. Although it could wear a turtleneck with the team's logo on the front if it's supposed to be uncircumcised!

On Bitch Planet, things are going a bit upside-down. Makoto Maki, Meiko's father, has discovered she's been killed and has now taken over central command of the prison. He's also the guy who's supposed to design the stadium, so I hope he calms down and stops trying to upset the prison status quo! I want to see some Sportsgames!

Everybody is freed from their cells and a riot ensues. Meanwhile, Whitney and Kam have found President Eleanor Doane's cell. I don't know how much I'm supposed to know about Madame President since this comic book has some really long intervals between issues and my memory is terrible (although I still totally remember all of that doing it I did as a teenager! Except I did so much, I don't remember the names of all of my partners! Like the one from camp! Or the one on my vacation to Canada! Or the one you never heard about because she was a new kid who got suspended almost immediately! Or the one I met at the beach that summer who had to go back to Australia!). Was Madame President the president who was changing things that caused a white male backlash (some CNN reporters might call it a "white-lash" even though that doesn't make sense. It might make sense if backlash were actually "black-lash" (which maybe it is since pundits are always making up stupid words! Although usually those words just have gate on the end)) which created a world where women couldn't speak their mind without risking a jail sentence?

Poop is going down fast now! The prisoners in Facility One are going to mix with the prisoners in Facility Two and apparently that's bad news. Why? I don't know! Does the atmosphere combust when women and trans women enter the same room? That seems improbable! Maybe the "explosion" is just a metaphorical one!

Oh. That's the problem! Bigotry! Or misogyny? Anti-gender politics?! I don't know the right phrase for this kind of prejudice!

As the women begin fighting among themselves, Kam arrives and finds her sister Mo. Mo, having no idea Kam was incarcerated on Bitch Planet as well, flips the fuck out. But it brings everybody together and they stop fighting because of some speech about everybody being sisters or something. It's probably touching if you're into emotions and stuff. Plus Madame President shows up to unite everybody for rebellion! I hope the takeover of the prison doesn't mean there won't be any Megaton matches where the Bitch Planet team kick ass and take the title!

That's the end of the comic book section. But that's only half of the comic! The next half is full of words in different sections. It's the part of the comic book that makes you think even more than the comic book part of the comic book! And even though I hate thinking because it hardly ever leads to shots of women taking showers, I'm still going to read it all! The first part is where Kelly Sue makes a statement. This one is called "Content Advisory: I'm going to talk about Donald Trump."

Kelly Sue says some things about Donald Trump's "Grab them by the pussy!" statement and the way the news reacted to it. It's all very smartly said and expresses some of the problems I had with it too! I totally had all the same proper reactions. But she also mentions that sexy lamp she's always talking about. Where can I get one of those?

The next essay I won't have an intelligent reaction to is Rebecca Wanzo's "Superhero: Feminist; Superpower: Killer of Joy, Destroyer of Worlds". I probably got the punctuation wrong on that title because it's actually two lines and I didn't feel like making it two lines in this commentary, so I just threw in a semicolon. That's good enough, right?

The essay totally sums up everything I should probably be feeling and almost certainly do, especially right now after having read it. Although she says this one bit about not laughing at racist or sexist jokes and I couldn't help but get my feelings hurt and tsk-tsk from the back of the room. Also, why am I standing back here with all of these white male virgins?

The next session is a dialogue between Rebecca Henderson and Kit Cox called "An Empire of Tears: Male Fragility and Weird Capitalism". I can already feel my ego shattering!

In the dialogue, Rebecca says, "Being able to say 'No,' and not suffer for it, is basically the vision I want for the world." Can we get a Hallelujah? Also, her Male Tears pin is absolutely lovely.

After that is the letters! I hope there's one from a guy who doesn't get it!

There wasn't! Also, letters pages take a long time to read! After the letters is the lip glossary which defines intersectionality. I didn't read it because I already know all about different types of couches. So instead, I moved right on to my favorite part of the comic book: the back cover!

The back cover is worth the price of the comic alone! And you can read it right there in the comic book store! They give it away for free! Like a slut!

The Ranking!
+2! This comic is always good. It has so many opportunities to be good what with the cover and the inner pages and the back cover. That's a lot of stuff! Oh, and the essays too! And sometimes it even has naked women in it! But your Male Gaze isn't supposed to be titillated by it! So avoid getting a boner (or whatever the female equivalent to a boner is. A reverse boner?) or you're not a good feminist!

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