Monday, November 7, 2016

Nightwing #7

I might not mind if this comic book just quietly changed its focus to Raptor.

• Is Nightwing more popular than Batman yet? It's bound to happen. How much more drama can be squeezed out of Batman's damaged psyche? He's a fucking mess! I'm a bit tired of Batman stories revolving around his obsession over his loss. You know what Batman story I do want to see? I want to see the one where Wonder Woman walks up to Alfred, punches him in the face, and says, "You failed this fucking man when he was a child, you enabling piece of shit!"

• But this, unlike apparently everything else that happens in Gotham, isn't about Batman. This is about Nightwing! Nightwing's got his own Bat-family now and they're much better than Batman's Bat-family which is just lousy with teenagers. Nightwing hangs out with real men and women! Like Tiger! And Helena! And Midnighter! And the other ones!

• Tiger and Nightwing are in Australia to mop up some more Owls. But Kobra manages to get there first, wiping them all out with one of their "genetically enhanced" snake-headed assassins. Hey, comic books? How about you stop trying to explain the ridiculous with science and just make everything about magic? My brain is exhausted by humans transforming into monsters whose skeletal structures (usually the skull but often the entire body, like in the Monster Men) aren't anything like the original human's. And all it takes is an injection to turn a human skull into a snake skull!

• All of you nerds desperate to say that Clarke quote to me right now can just fuck right off!

• You know what? I don't really care. Just keep being stupid, comic books. You broke and saddled me a long time ago. The first time I read a story with The Flash in it and I didn't throw the comic against the wall when The Flash could say five hundred words in the space of a nanosecond while everybody around him understood what he was saying, I was already yours. Now I accept human corpses turning into thirty story tall monsters, motorcycles driving up the sides of buildings, a universe where every teenager is smarter than Einstein, and outfits that should cause nip-slips 100% of the time stubbornly refusing to give way. What I'm trying to say is that comic books are perfect for my level of intelligence.

• Thanks to this breach in Spyral security, Tiger and Nightwing figure out that somebody has access to their findings in The Book of Wisdom. And obviously that someone is Raptor. Nobody else had access to it and also this issue is called Rise of the Raptor. I'm like a fucking detective!

• Nightwing has been obsessing over gravity since this issue began. It's part of this whole thematic metaphor thing that some writers like to do. I don't like it so I've just been replacing "gravity" with "gravy" and giggling like an idiot. I mean a genius! I giggle exactly like a genius!

• Nightwing goes to yell at Raptor for betraying him and finds Raptor singing his own theme song. How can Nightwing stay mad at him?! They're practically the same person!

Uh-oh! Somebody's coming down with a case of daddy's control issues!

• Nightwing decides to explain justice to Raptor while beating the shit out of him. I don't think Nightwing realizes the flaw in his argument but then, he learned the definition of justice from Batman.

I just said that! Stop plagiarizing me, Tim Seeley!

• Raptor points out that Batman's justice allows for rich people to go free because they can pay for expensive attorneys who somehow win every case (probably because the judge knows how expensive they are and that they must be good, so when the attorney says something in court, the judge looks impressed and glances at the jury and says, "Whatta lawyer, right?"). Batman's justice also kicks the shit out of mentally ill people who are then thrown in Arkham. I think that's generalizing quite a bit! Sometimes Batman kicks the crap out of rich mentally ill people who get thrown in Arkham! And he often beats the living shit out of henchmen and thugs and regular criminals who aren't mentally ill at all! Also also, Batman isn't going out on the streets and kicking the ass of depressed and bipolar and schizophrenic people who aren't murderers! He's kicking the ass of people who have murdered, no matter what their brain chemistry is! He's an equal opportunity jaw breaker!

• Raptor tells Nightwing what kind of justice Nightwing's mother would have wanted. I wonder what else Raptor knows Nightwing's mom would have wanted? Ass play?

• During the fight, Nightwing and Raptor tumble over Raptor's synthesizer and his notes for "Raptor's Theme". See? They're just alike! And maybe even more alike than that since Raptor hints that he actually does know how much ass play Nightwing's mother liked!

• Can you smell what's cooking for breakfast? Daddy issues!

• Raptor drugs Nightwing after Nightwing finds Raptor's Secret Nightwing Wank Cave. Not that Raptor actually jerks off to Nightwing! But he does have a suspiciously detailed shrine about Dick's entire life. And there are weird stains on the walls and floor.

• Before Nightwing passes out in a puddle of dried something, Raptor explains that Dick needs to experience some loss. Then he'll be a much better hero! More like Batman than ever before! No wait! Raptor doesn't want him more like Batman! Hmm, I'm confused about Raptor's plan now!

• Raptor decides to air his grievances with Bruce Wayne at a press meeting. Raptor seems most upset by the fact that Bruce Wayne took a circus gypsy child and turned him into a regular old boring white dude. Basically, Bruce gentrified Dick Grayson.

• Raptor kidnaps Bruce who doesn't put up a struggle because he doesn't want to expose that he can actually fight like Batman. Not in front of the press! They might have a 1% chance of figuring out his identity if he did that! So instead, he pretends he can't fight and then makes an off-color joke about how much pussy he had the night before and everybody thinks, "No way that guy is Batman!" Then Raptor flies off with Bruce Wayne tied up and everybody at the press conference yells, "What a scoop!"

• Damian gets pretty excited about this turn of events as well! Mission time with his big brother to prove to his dad that he's the best Robin ever?! If Damian were old enough to come, his underwear would be a mess right now!

Stupid artist. He could have easily put Batcow in the background of one of these panels. At least throw in Titus or Alfred Pennyworth the Cat!

• Nightwing tells Damian to stay in the cave because this doesn't have anything to do with him. This has to do with how many times Raptor put his unwrapped Ding-Dong inside Nightwing's mother's Ho-Ho how ever many years ago Dick is old.

It's also a little bit about how terrible Raptor's circus costume was. But at least he had a monkey! Unless that's a cat. Or an armadillo. Maybe a little person?

The Ranking!
+1! You might like Raptor but you're still not The #1 Raptor Fan of All Time because that would be me! Seriously, you do not like Raptor as much as I like Raptor. You're probably a young person so you can't like him as much as I like him because he's my age and not your age. Stop trying to steal all of my things, young people! You think the world is yours just because I'm on the way out and you're face first in the thick of life's pubic hair! But that's not because of anything you did! We all get our chance! Pretty soon, you'll be fretting over the number of calories in that second doughnut too! Enjoy your youth while it lasts, jerks! I would totally be excited about your loss of youth and how it'll eventually make you feel depressed except that will mean I'll be even older and closer to death, so stay young as long as you can, stupids! Stop driving me to my grave by getting older! Don't let the next generation of toddlers and nose-miners push us all inextricably toward our graves! You must stop them! STOP THEM BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

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