Thursday, November 3, 2016

Cave Carson Has a Cybernetic Eye #1

Stupid title ruined the surprise twist!

From the moment I heard about this title, I couldn't help but think it was trying too hard. First it's a Young Animal imprint which means it already thinks it's way cooler than all the other comic books. And then it had to have the most absurd name they could think of. Granted, it is a comic book about Cave Carson. Who would pick up a comic book just called Cave Carson? Or, more probably since this is the age of cool minimalist titles, "Cave"? I'm surprised Sugar & Spike wasn't called Sugar & Spike Produce an Awful Lot of Sexual Tension.

But since I continue to pick up and read nearly every comic DC puts out, it seemed like maybe I should read it. Although I don't read all of the Vertigo books, so why bother with the Young Animal books? Well, mostly because they're still connected to DC's mainstream superhero universe. These are characters that spun out of DC's main universe where the Vertigo books all take place in their own little, more realistic (or, at the very least, pretentiously serious) worlds. I suppose if I had more time and money, I'd read all the Vertigo books too. And the Image books. And Elfquest. And actual books that generally don't have any pictures in them at all!

The issue begins with Cave sticking two fingers in his eye and thinking about dead people from his past. I'd probably recognize them if I were twenty years older since I probably would have been reading Cave Carson books as well as Challengers of the Unknown and Secret Six and Suicide Squad and all of the other comics featuring fairly normal people in groups containing a dark haired guy, a blond haired guy, a black guy, a woman, and a cheeky kid.

Cave Carson and his daughter attend the funeral of Cave Carson's wife. She must have died while exploring subterranean landscapes full of aliens. After the funeral, Cave Carson goes home to drink milk straight out of the carton. I used to do that when I was a kid! And I really don't know how I did it or why because the rough inner edge of the carton touching my lips was one of the most horrible textures I've ever experienced. Granted, most of my textural experience is pretty mundane. It's not like I've ever stuck my dick in a jellyfish, or licked a porcupine backwards, or felt the warm, loving embrace of another human being.

Fuck you and your cybernetic eye, Cave Carson! That patch isn't meaningless at all! I'd learn to kick punch for it!

Also fuck everybody who judges how another person parents, especially when they judge it positively with that whole "Parenting: you're doing it right!" bullshit. No parent ever parents right! To parent right, you have to parent wrong 90% of the time! If your kid doesn't hate you at least half of the time they're awake, you're definitely parenting incorrectly. Discussions of parenting always make me think of a Tumblr post at an outdoor concert where a young toddler is on the shoulders of the man half of a young heterosexual couple and a bunch of people's reblogged comments express their belief that this is the best parenting ever done by anybody. Fucking idiots. First off, the toddler might fucking hate crowds, loud noises, his parent's shitty music, sucking down second hand pot smoke, the heat, and/or everything. Second off, no adult wants to be greeted by surprise children in a place they had previously assumed was an adult venue. How would you feel if you had just snorted two lines of coke and were about to get your vag eaten in the middle of a mosh pit and you looked up to see a toddler staring down at you? That would totally ruin the mood! Probably. I mean, maybe you're into babies watching you come. Who am I to judge?! I mean, I'll judge the parents! But not how you get your rocks off!

Wait. Didn't I just begin that paragraph against judging parents and then all I did was judge parents while trying to judge the people who judge parents? Oh, who cares! Life is hard!

Later, Cave Carson takes his car to the shop. Ha! Hilarious! His first name is Cave and he explores caves! And his last name is Carson and he has a car!

At the mechanic, we get more perceptive and biting social commentary, this time about how cars are so fucking complicated now and yet do less! So true! How does anybody work on them anymore?! Not that I ever knew how to work on them before. My preferred method of keeping my Volkswagen running was lining the dashboard with Sailor Scouts and caressing the steering wheel on occasion while muttering, "Come on, girl. You've got this!"

After the mechanic scene which will probably matter later since I don't know what it was about (will this be a murder mystery? Did the mechanic do it?!), Cave Carson goes into work to visit with his younger coworkers. One of them is named Ace Has No Eyes at All! Another is Paul Has a Douchey Ponytail. Another is MacGregor Has a Recklessly Carefree Attitude. And then there's Jeanette Has an Overcompensating Vagina. This team is just lousy with members who have things!

Cave Carson's cybernetic eye decides to see colorful, rainbow images of his dead wife while he's talking to a co-worker. Probably because she's not dead at all but has just been captured by inner core aliens! Unless she is dead because she was murdered by the mechanic.

At dinner with his daughter, Cave Carson talks about his eye a little bit. Although he doesn't explain what it's doing inside of him.

The eye also sees how you're full of Daniel's semen.

Cave Carson needs to get the eye checked out so he pays a visit to Doc Magnus. Currently, the Metal Men are not inside of Doc Magnus's anal cavity so the meeting isn't as awkward as it could have been. Doc Magnus has some weird hobbies that I'm totally not judging by calling them weird! It's just some things need to be factually weird, right? Like a penchant for sticking Responsometers up your ass, right?

Oh wait. Maybe I was wrong. What does he mean by neck deep in responsometers? Eww!

After a quick glance at Carson's eye, Doc Magnus concludes that it's mysterious. He doesn't even know what kind of metal it's made out of! That's ironic, right? RIGHT?! The guy who made the Metal Men?! No? Fuck you.

Doc Magnus's advice for Cave Carson is to wear a magnet on his head while he sleeps. Well, that about wraps it up for Doc Magnus, I guess! From serious scientist to Coast to Coast AM crackpot! I imagine the magnet on the head, with a reversed polarity, was the only way Magnus could get the responsometers out of his anus.

Later that night, Cave Carson is visited by a Muldroogian warning that EBX, the company Carson works for, is killing Muldroog. Then she transforms into a frog monster and tries to kill Cave Carson. But he kills her first with a drill that was conveniently lying about on his computer work table! If I were suddenly attacked by a frog monster, I'd probably have to beat it to death with a large plastic Lobo sculpture.

Obviously Cave Carson has to investigate this mystery since Muldroog is inside a cave and he's like an expert on going into caves! But he can't reach out to EBX because they're the evil, vile corporation that's doing the evil and vile things. You know, just like corporations are supposed to do! Boy, these Young Animal comic books are really going out on a limb to point out how corporations are evil! I hope the backlash for saying such controversial things doesn't get them shut down! Since Carson can't contact EBX about this, he has to go to his mechanic. Oh! So that's why he was introduced! He's part of Cave Carson's Non-Corporate, Totally Indie Kickstarter Team that he's going to have to put together to battle the out of control mega-corporation! Rock on!

Also, Cave Carson's mechanic is Wild Dog.

Please tell me that costume has pants folded on the hanger under the shirt. Please. Oh God please.

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Cave Carson Has A Cybernetic Eye (*)
5. Suicide Squad (*)
6. Wonder Woman (*)
7. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
8. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
9. DK III: The Master Race (*)
10. The Flash (*)
11. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
12. Earth 2: Society (*)

If anybody is paying attention, I adjusted my rankings a bit because I can't be bogged down on where I think a comic book should be in the rankings but how much I enjoy each comic book over another. So I put Suicide Squad up a few since Wonder Woman and Hal Jordan have been boring me more than Suicide Squad has. Even though I think there are a lot of critical reasons DC Comics is fucking up Suicide Squad right now (most of those reasons have to do with putting Jim Lee on pencils), I still enjoy it more than Rucka's current Wonder Woman and Venditti's Hal Jordan. And Venditti's Hal Jordan could easily slip past Rucka's Wonder Woman! One of them just has to stop being mostly boring!

No comments:

Post a Comment