Wednesday, November 2, 2016

DK III: The Master Race #6

This cover has been touched up via photoshop. I didn't want other DK III: Book Six comic books tricked into thinking this ideal was true. It has just as many fingerprints as all the other DK III: Book Six issues with black covers.

The evil villain in this book is a Kandorian named Quar. He has more valid reasons than most for getting up to his evil shenanigans. For one, he was kept inside of a jar for decades! What must that have been like? It's not like crops grow well inside sealed bottles. So did the Kandorians just eat whatever crumbs Superman decided to stuff into the top of the jar? Like day old muffins and strips of fat off the sides of his pork chops? What a humiliating life! And what if you were a Kandorian alcoholic who had burned all the bridges in his life? You can't even pull a geographic! Now you're stuck with all of the people you've failed and pissed off, forever! So I totally get where Quar is coming from and I sort of hope he wins.

Last issue, Quar tricked the people in Gotham into going after Batman themselves. Is that where Scott Snyder got the idea for All-Star Batman? No, probably not. That plot is so old there's probably a "How old is it?!" joke that would fit this moment if I were wittier. Getting the populace to turn against the superheroes? I feel like I've been reading that story for decades now.

Batman has unleashed some kind of Kryptonite Acid Rain on Gotham and now all of the Kandorians are losing their powers.

Ew. Please don't finish that statment, Gothamite!

Baal and Superman's Superdaughter are the last two left after the Kryptonite Rain Incident and they plan on making the humans pay for standing up to their betters. Or at least more powerful versions of their unenlightened, selfish, egotistical selves.

For some reason, Batgirl finds herself in single battle with Baal. Maybe Superman and Batman are off sitting in the back seat kissing and a-hugging with Fred. That doesn't make any sense but, for some reason, that song is stuck in my head. Most of you are probably thinking, "What song, Tess? Remember, we're like half your age, you decomposing piece of shit!" I don't know what song either though! It was one of the songs on 40 Funky Hits from the 70s! I mean, the song is definitely older than that! But 40 Funky Hits was definitely from the 70s!

Looking at the track listing after all these years, I don't remember a large portion of these songs. The portion I do remember? They're all stuck in my brain and will probably never leave. Just like Schoolhouse Rock. Just like the singing Mormon commercials. Just like all the songs from The Flintstones. Pretty much any music I heard while growing up is just lodged inside my brain, never to be forgotten. I imagine a lot of the nurses working at the old person's home where I'll eventually die will constantly be asking, "What the fuck is that disgusting old man singing this time?"

Batgirl shoots a tiny shard of Kryptonite into Baal's eye with a slingshot. I think that's an allusion to some Claymation show with a slow-witted dog or something. Baal goes flying off, freaking the fuck out the way everybody does whenever something randomly lands in their eye. You don't even have to be deathly allergic to the thing in your eye! I wonder how many people die each year from spiders bouncing off of their eyeballs. That's like double flip the fuck out time! And then maybe sneezing at the same moment! While driving! What a catastrophe!

As the Kryptonians retreat, the one Batman humiliated looks back and pierces him with a blast of heat vision. Batman collapses in Superman's arms and dies. I don't know that he'll stay dead! But on this one page, he dies! Superman might do one of those things where he quickly reads a medical text book and then performs super surgery to save Batman's life. Or he'll just use some defibrillators on Batman because those things can bring anybody back from the dead, according to television. Even if somebody has bullet holes in all of their organs, as long as you shock them with a defibrillator, they'll come back to life! I wonder why they're called defibrillators when they're rarely used to stop fibrillation and almost exclusively used to just resurrect people?

And that's...that's it? I just paid six dollars for a twenty page comic book padded with a bunch of uncolored ink pages in the back?! Somebody tell me why I'm still reading this bullshit? I don't care how good it might be (and I'm not saying it's good!). Six dollars for this? I guess I still have the inset booklet with Frank Miller's terrible art to read!

The Rankings!
1. The Sheriff of Babylon (1)
2. New Super-man (*)
3. Deathstork (*)
4. Wonder Woman (*)
5. Hal Jordan and the Green Lantern Corps (*)
6. Suicide Squad (*)
7. Scooby Apocalypse (*)
8. DK III: The Master Race (*)
9. The Flash (*)
10. Lumberjanes Love Gotham Academy (*)
11. Earth 2: Society (*)

This issue hardly seemed like a story at all! I feel like I just opened it up and it was over! Just a second while I consult my dictionary. Let's see...yep! Total definition of anti-climactic! Even with Bruce's death!

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