Thursday, November 10, 2016

Superman #9

Titano lives on Dinosaur Island? Now I'm interested!

My biggest question about a Donald Trump presidency is this: how are foreign leaders going to keep from laughing in his face, rolling their eyes, and pointing at him while looking at their assistants and saying, "Seriously? This guy?" Of course they'll probably say "Seriously? This guy?" in a different language! I mean, he'll probably get along with Theresa May. But I can't see any other foreign leaders taking him seriously! Although I don't really know any other foreign leaders being that I have the attention span and interests of a typical American. I have a vague suspicion that there must be other leaders of other countries but I can't be bothered to look into the matter. And now that Donald Trump is going to be our president, I'm too embarrassed to even Google any other leaders. As soon as I see their faces, I will simply imagine how disappointed they are in my country and I'll feel really embarrassed.

Thankfully I read comic books to help me forget about all of the terrible actions that a Republican controlled government will take to ruin the economy and social welfare of the people! Although I'm not sure a comic book about an island where dinosaurs run loose devouring anybody who can't defend themselves will be much of a help in that regard.

Superman and Superboy have discovered the home of The Losers on Dinosaur Island. Most of The Losers are dead (including Pooch as Pet Killers Tomasi and Gleason gleefully pointed out last issue). But one still lives! A one-eyed, one-legged maniac who shoots first and second and probably third and almost certainly doesn't ask questions because corpses can't talk. Although he'll have to come up with some questions this time because he's shooting first at Superman. I don't know which Loser this guy is because I don't know The Losers at all. Why would I read a comic book about losers?! I pointed out earlier that I read comic books to help me forget about my life!

The man's name is Captain Storm and he's probably going to tell a story about The Losers. If he does, it had better have Superman in it because I bought a comic book about Superman. I'll feel ripped off if the comic book is about Superman listening to a story about the actual stars of the comic book. I might even think poorly of DC Comics for about ten seconds.

Captain Storm's story doesn't take too long to tell. That's a relief! Although, to be completely transparent, I already thought the bad thoughts about DC Comics! Storm simply points out that The Loser were all killed. Although they also thought he was dead and had a grave for him already set up. So maybe they're all still alive somewhere on the island! Even if they just buried a skeleton that had been wearing Johnny Cloud's dog tags! Maybe even Pooch! Although Goldie is still dead. Assholes.

Captain Storm has a trained pterodactyl. I can already imagine Gleason and Tomasi chomping at the bit to kill it!

Captain Storm says he knows where Superman's Plot Device is. Superman needs the Plot Device to get him and Jon back to reality. In this case, reality is not a world where dinosaurs and World War II fighting men share an island. Reality is wear grown men dress up in tights, wear masks, and assume stupid monikers.

Superman discovers that the creature guarding the Plot Device is a gigantic white ape with a cybernetic eye like the one Cave Carson has. I mean, like the one the giant squid that attacked them in Issue #2 had! It probably ties in to the Watchmen, right? Creatures watching the world? It sounds like something Ozymandias would come up with.

I hope when the Watchmen do turn up (you know, after Didio and Johns can come up with an interesting and believable story about why they fucked up the DC Universe and how it is absolutely the fault of the DC readership), Rorschach is back to life. He and the Comedian were the only interesting ones and they were both killed! But the Comedian was a rapist so he can't come back to life. But what did Rorschach ever do to deserve death except stand by his ideals! Bring back Rorschach! Bring back Rorschach! Down with Trump! Down with...whoops! My chanting got out of control!

An upsetting number of pages are used for a fight with dinosaurs and monsters. I'm sure they don't upset most people because it's a comic book! What do I expect? Intellectual literature and high-minded philosophy?! Well, yeah! Didn't DC fill their quota on boring monster fights with that Monster Men story? It's possible I've outgrown comic books. It's also possible it took me twenty five years too many to come to that realization.

Superman and Jon recover the Plot Device and Superman also takes Titano's eye before the Plot Device kicks in and begins returning them to the real world. Captain Storm decides to stay behind because he knows the world has changed too much for an old soldier like him. He's much wiser than Steve Rogers! Not that Steve Rogers had a choice about joining the modern world, I guess.

After transporting back to the Fortress of Solitude, Superman discovers that the gorilla's eye and Captain Storm's wooden leg he was hanging onto have disappeared. He doesn't know where they've gone but the reader sort of gets to know! Doctor Oz(yman(hattan)dias) filched them! And he's standing in his out-of-continuity lair staring at his next creation: the New York Alien Monster Octopus Times One Million! Is he going to crash it into Earth-New-Earth so that all of the universes in the multiverse put aside their differences to face a common enemy?! Probably not. He's probably just going to give it the mind of Doomsday, strap Tim Drake to its back, and send it to Earth-New-Earth simply to cause death and destruction.

The Ranking!
0! I'm beginning to wish that this issue had been a story about The Losers! Stupid DC! Give me what I don't know I want even when I think I want the opposite of what I want and you give me what I thought I wanted! Jerks!

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