Friday, November 11, 2016

Batman #9

Batman falls for Bane's Skull and Marshmallow Fluff Trap. No wait! I should have made a toilet of skulls joke! Dammit!

Remember when Lex Luthor became president? Just sayin'!

That previous sentence wasn't about this comic book! I just wanted to be clear because I'm sure some people read it and thought, "That's Bane on the cover, dumb-dumb! Not Lex Luthor!" I even mentioned Bane in the caption but the imaginary people I imagined didn't read the caption that closely which is why they were probably confused. I should probably stop imagining imaginary people since the ones I imagine are always so unbelievable. Mostly because over half of them had huge cocks.

Hey! Are we all glad the Monster Men story is over? I'm talking to the adults here! I know you youngsters love a good monster story, especially if it contains a few scenes of Spoiler pining over her dead beau and a few panels of Nightwing's tight and probably puckered asshole. I bet he doesn't even have any hair down there. Which probably means no dingleberries unless he's using really cheap toilet paper that manages to split and ball up just from the texture of the sphincter! Anyway, the adults are probably glad that they aren't reading a stupid monster story that didn't have any references to Shakespeare at all. At least I don't think it did. I don't remember any Kaiju in any of Shakespeare's plays. Although I never read Richard III, so I can't be completely positive there weren't any. Also, the Monster Men story might have been a rewriting of that one play where that one guy with the tiny dick didn't like the other guy with the big dick and so he psychoanalyzed him to death. Was that the plot of Titus Andronicus?

Anyway! Now is the time for the story we have all been waiting on pins and eggshells for: Batman joins the Suicide Squad! Oh man! My dick would be so hard right now if that had been a sexual statement! Instead, I'm just really excited to read this story!

"The only thing that can quiet the screams now is...a blumpkin!"

Bane has traded Hugo Strange a bag of monster creating beans for Psycho Pirate. Although isn't it Poison Ivy and Mongul who are doing the Jack and the Beanstalk story over in Trinity? Anyway, Bane decided Psycho Pirate could be his human Xanax prescription. Also probably Viagra. But Batman also wants that prescription for Gotham Girl! And I don't think Batman is the kind of guy who goes into a meeting with Bane with peaceful negotiations in mind. So poor, miserable, depressed Bane, who is only a product of his environment and nurturing (which were both awful and/or non-existent), is going to get his ass beat by a rich, privileged white man who had every expense at his disposal to soothe the pains of his youth.

I haven't even gotten to the Batman part and I think I'm already resenting him! Leave poor Bane alone!

Batman tells Alfred that he's going to join the Suicide Squad for a few issues and Alfred pretends to be surprised that Bruce is making an awful decision. Then Bruce lifts up the bust of Shakespeare to open the television entrance to the Batcave (I guess the clock entrance to the Batcave was cemented over. That revelation will be in All-Star Batman! I just know it!) so he can go get changed. Man! This story is already one times better than the Monster Men story because Shakespeare! I told you this was going to be an adult story!

Batman's first stop in his quest to save Gotham Girl is Arkham Asylum. He needs to visit Arnold Weskler, the original Ventriloquist. He's given up his buddy Scarface and become a model inmate in the asylum. Which is probably why Batman needs him for his Suicide Squad! Everybody needs a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet to fill the most important role on the team! That role is a balding, pudgy, middle-aged man who used to pretend he was in the mob with his puppet who can die. The Suicide Squad always needs hit-eaters!

Weskler agrees to be on the team. I wonder whose ass he's going to put his hand up? What else is he good for?!

As Batman, Jeremiah, and Gordon walk to the next cell to recruit the next member of the team, they pass by cells containing Kite Man, Calendar Man, Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum, and some guy named Mayo. I can't be bothered to remember the secret identities of all of Batman's foes! They also pass by a cell with a blonde woman who makes the Legion logo in the fog of her breath on the glass. So there's a Legionnaire lost in time inside Arkham? I guess that's where you stick people raving like lunatics that they've actually time traveled!

Another member of Batman's Suicide Squad is the clown girl who must be The Joker's Daughter since Harley Quinn is living in New York. Or on the real Suicide Squad. It's hard to tell sometimes! Another member is the spy and I guess that's Bronze Tiger! Not the stupid ass Bronze Tiger who appeared in Red Hood and the Outlaws and had the head of a real tiger! No! This is the good old fashioned Ben Turner from Ostrander's Squad! I keep wanting to call Ostrander's Suicide Squad the original Suicide Squad but then stop myself before nerds jump down my throat to correct me. But we all know Ostrander's Squad is the original modern Suicide Squad, right? He's in Arkham on vacation or something because Batman is glad to see him and he's happy to see Batman. Blumpkins all around!

Apparently the clown girl isn't The Joker's Daughter and I'm more relieved than you know! Unless you've read every single commentary I've written featuring The Joker's Daughter. Then you were probably thinking, "Oh boy! Tess sure is going to be relieved when he finds out he's wrong about The Joker's Daughter!" And I would then respond, "I wasn't wrong, jerk! I'm never wrong! I was just thinking out loud!" No, the clown girl is Jewlee! Of Punch and Jewlee fame! I've been hoping that they'd wind up on the Suicide Squad again! I'm so happy that Batman is recruiting them. He's way better at this than Amanda Waller! So far, two out of his three picks don't have popularity immunity to death!

And Punch as well! Another member who might die!

Punch drugged Gordon and took his place hoping to get his hands all over and up inside Jewlee. But Batman figured it out because he's a genius! And he needs Punch because Punch escaped from Santa Prisca prison to get back to Jewlee. So Punch can get them back in!

That leaves one more member of Batman's team! A member so dangerous that Jeremiah Arkham is shitting all over himself in an attempt to convince Batman that letting this inmate out would be a bureaucratic nightmare! Also possibly a bloodbath in Gotham if this inmate gets away from Batman's side. It's The Joker, right? It's got to be The Joker! I can't see how it's going to be anybody else! It has to be The Joker! I mean, it could be somebody like Amygdala or Sumo because they're big, muscular idiots who could help take on Bane. But everybody is being so mysterious, it has to be somebody way more shocking than those jerkos! Like the Joker! See how Joker is an anagram for Jerko! It's a sign!

What?! This doesn't even make sense! Those Watchmen really screwed up this timeline!

After thinking about it for three seconds longer than it took me to write the above caption, which would I rather have? A Selina Kyle who has killed 237 people or a Selina Kyle who had been written by Ann Nocenti for a number of years? I mean, let's face it. The one who's into murder is way less tainted.

The Ranking!
+1! Let's face it: Selina Kyle hasn't killed anybody. This is just one of those "Let's Shock the Shit Out of the Bat-Cat Shippers!" moments. Seriously, Batman could never justify fucking a murderer, especially one of that magnitude! I mean, he can justify fucking her once and then pretending that he didn't know she was a murderer! But Bruce and Selina have one of those relationships that DC will never totally abandon. I mean, they might have for a few years where they seemed to be suffering from a stroke because what else explains giving Ann Nocenti full control of Catwoman?! But this is Rebirth! Rebirth is all about giving shippers what they want! It's right there in the title: Rebirgiveshipperswhattheywantth! See? You probably didn't notice but now that I told you, you'll never not see it again! Anyway, Batman probably barely even needs her to help break into Santa Prisca prison! This is just a good excuse to get her out of Arkham where she doesn't belong because Batman knows she didn't murder all of those people. It was probably just Cat Tuberculosis or something! And once she's out of Arkham and the mission is over, Batman will be all, "Whoops! She got away! Darn it! Poo! I'm so disappointed with myself! No that isn't a boner in my pants and I'm sorry but I really have to go meet somebody on a rooftop now!"

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