Tuesday, November 29, 2016

Batman Beyond #1

This looks better than I expected!

These covers where you're supposed to get an artist to draw some raunchy T&A shot of an underage character are wasted on me. Not because I'm against pervy men drawing fuck fantasies on my comic book covers! Because I never go out of the house and I never meet any artists and if I did, they would probably say, "Didn't you criticize my art and say you wish time travel were an actuality so you could go back in time and sew my mother's vagina shut?" And I would be all, "Lord no! That's violence against women which I don't agree with even in theoretical situations and imaginary conversations which I've written! Although that does sound vaguely familiar!" Then I'd get thrown out of my fourth San Diego Comic Con.

I've been to San Diego Comic Con three times (many, many, many years ago! Before it was cool and popular! People probably get laid there now, right?!). One of those times, I was there with Dan Santat, the creator of The Replacements cartoon. Dan was housemates with my friend Upright and we ate breakfast at The Broken Yolk Cafe in Pacific Beach. One of his characters in The Replacements was called Dick Daring. Which seemed odd since he did art for a fanzine some friends and I were writing called The Galactic Hero Corps which featured a character named Dirk Daring. Although what's even more odd is that my friends, who created Dirk Daring, didn't realize they were stealing the name from the video game, Dragon's Lair. Dum-dums!

I so rarely meet anybody or get to name drop that I figured I'd force that one in!

Here's Dan's rendition of Carlotta Everyday, a fourth dimensional superhero who just confused everybody around her. He was the best artist I ever had! Um, figuratively!

The second caption on the first page of this first issue of Batman Beyond has the word "butit" in it. I think that's a typo but since I don't know all of the words, I might be mistaken. I mean, is it more probable that it's a word I've never heard of or more probable that everybody getting this issue to print missed a typo on the first page of the first issue? That makes it seem like nobody gives a shit about this book? If nobody getting paid can be bothered to give a shit about this comic book then why should I pay money for it? See? That's so ridiculous that it must be a word I've never heard of.

This issue is called "Escaping the Grave" without a Part Two on it. That's weird because the Rebirth issue was called "Escaping the Grave, Part One." It's almost as if DC is pretending the Rebirth book doesn't exist at this point! Which really ticks off my wallet because I paid for that book and I want the information gleaned from it acknowledged in what is supposed to be the second part of the story! I'm really starting to lose my patience here, especially after that whole butit fiasco I mentioned just ten to twenty seconds ago, depending on how quickly you can read.

This is Terminal. He really fucking loves belts. And mascara!

I'm going to assume you didn't read my commentary on Batman Beyond Rebirth #1 where I hoped that The Joker being resurrected by Terminal was actually Lobo in which case I just told you that I said that there. Now you have all the information you need for why I'm so excited when Terminal calls The Joker "my main man"! I knew he had too many muscles to be The Joker! And since I'm not going to be reading Issue #2 of this series, I hope nothing in the next eighteen pages proves me wrong so I can continue to believe that I was right!

But seriously. Why does Terminal like belts so much? He even has belts on his arms! Is his fashion sense mental hospital chic?

Terry begins the issue under a ton of rubble because a building fell on him or something. I know I wanted the events of the Rebirth issue to have some consequences in this issue but, in reality, I can't even be bothered to remember how the Rebirth issue ended! I guess Terry got his ass kicked by the Venom Sucking Jokerz Gang Banger. Oh, and then got a building knocked on him. That makes sense though! Now the title can be both figurative and literal! Although I don't know if Terry crawling out from under the rubble is the literal part or Terry returning from death is the literal part. I've been sort of confused by the word "literal" lately.

Batman frees himself and continues the fight with the Venomized Jokerz Member again. You know, in a way that causes the previous battle in Rebirth not to matter at all!

Batman's secret identity is Bugs Bunny?

Terry almost gets killed fighting this guy who doesn't know his history and has confused Bane with The Joker. Stupid kids! They keep ignoring history, some day they're going to elect a fascist for president of the United States!

Terry winds up running because there are so many Jokerz and he's forgotten how to be Batman. I'm glad I'm not planning on reading this any further because I don't want to have to read a bunch of issues where he trains to get back into fighting shape. Isn't that what the Rebirth Issues are for? To get the characters back to the place they were before The New 52 ruined them? Or, at the very least, sort of close to that? The Rebirth Issue should have been one long training montage.

Back at the Batcave, Matt has brought in their friend Max to help out since Commissioner Gordon is too busy to do Bruce's job, which needs doing because Bruce apparently died in the beginning of Brother Eye's attack on the world. Which totally means he's not dead at all and he'll eventually reappear. Jurgens can't bring back the real Joker without also bringing back the real Bruce! They have to die in a repressed homosexual suicide act!

Terry decides the way to defeat Terminal is to infiltrate them as one of the Jokerz. So it's a good thing he has a spare Jokerz costume in the Batcave bathroom! And body paint. And hair dye. And make-up.

The Review!
In a shocking turn of events, I've read my last Batman Beyond comic book ever! I think I deserve some cake! If that wasn't a good enough review for a comic book reviewer, just remember that I'm not a reviewer! I'm a critic! Which means I'm critical of things! So critical that I can't be bothered to read this crap anymore.

*Copy and Pasted Bat Person Art Credit From "Bat Licking Penis" Google Image Search: "LaCrosse man-bat by Richard Svensson."

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