Thursday, November 3, 2016

Dark Knight Universe Presents: World's Finest #1

I get that Frank Miller put out some seminal comic book works but can't we pretend he doesn't exist now?

The cover to this mini-comic confuses me. Why are Supergirl and Wonder Woman searching for a missing contact lens on top of the Bat Signal? And why is Wonder Woman wearing a fake chin and an anal bead wig? What is going on with Supergirl's ass? Is there currently a Kryptonite butt plug up there? And why is her head made out of wood? Did Wonder Woman always wear moccasins?

The issue begins with Batgirl wearing her terrible costume. I think she's only wearing it because it was a gift from The Batman. Some people don't have the constitution to simply throw away terrible gifts from family and friends. Some people feel obligated to appreciate any shitty gift they're given. I'm not one of those people. I even take pleasure in shredding Christmas photos of friends' children and pets. Nearly anything anybody gives me that I never explicitly mentioned wanting or needing is simply future garbage. And if Batgirl felt the same way, I wouldn't have to look at her in that hideous green and purple costume. What was Batman thinking? Not only is the color scheme terrible, there is a bat symbol on Batgirl's ass and back as well as her chest. Is that to confuse criminals? They are a superstitious and cowardly and terrible at anatomy lot!

Supergirl has decided to confront Batgirl and tell her that she doesn't like her. It's a time honored ritual of young girls. This time it takes place on the roof of the Gotham Police Station but usually it takes place at the roller rink or a school dance.

The main thing I learn from the conflict (which I could have learned from the cover) is that Frank Miller loves to draw wedgies. He's got a real old man perv thing for wedgies, doesn't he? Ugh. Now I'm imagining he must have masturbated multiple times to his own work while drawing this. I bet the original artwork glows under ultraviolet light.

Some of you reading this may already know this story since you were probably teenage girls at one point. Supergirl tells Batgirl that she hates her. Batgirl tells Supergirl that she never even thinks of her. Supergirl makes a face. Batgirl tries to avoid the situation. Supergirl blocks her escape. Batgirl tells Supergirl she's ugly. Supergirl finds she's losing the power in the situation and begins to look around for peer back-up. Instead, Supergirl's mother restrains her. Oh man. Just wait until school on Monday when everybody hears about that! This confrontation totally backfired!

The conflict turns into a wrestling match between mother and daughter and now I'm absolutely sure that the original artwork glows under an ultraviolet light. I have a feeling Frank Miller drew the women throughout this entire scene naked and Klaus Janson had to put their clothes back on when he inked it.

What's the sound of one old man fapping?

After the fight, Supergirl sheds a single tear and runs away screaming, "Nobody loves me!" If she's anything like my sister was at that age, she'll be at her grandmother's house manipulating them into taking her to McDonald's now.

The Rankings!
Why am I going to include the rankings for this mini-comic insert?! You don't see me reviewing the comic books that came with He-man figures! I take this shit seriously, dammit!

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