Friday, November 4, 2016

Trinity #2

Batman and Superman seem concerned about Wonder Woman pissing on a skull.

This cover is full of Illuminati symbols, isn't it?! Of course a comic book entitled Trinity would have some kind of occult connection to the mystic ways in which true power is gained! Some of you might be pooh-poohing my statement (unless it's poo-pooing but that sounds gross) as ridiculous and far-fetched! But that's because you've been brainwashed by whatever the Illuminati has allowed to exist in society due to their intense ability to brainwash! Like reading and television and the Internet and religion and food and alcohol and friendship and marriage and having children and mortgages! Oh sure! You may think you wanted all of those things for personal and individual reasons but that's because you've been so brainwashed you don't even know what you really want! All the Illuminati cares about is that you want things that aren't the things they want! And really, who wants power beyond all reason and young children's blood to feed on? Not me because I'm not one of the Illuminated! I can barely stand the taste of the blood of young children! Pee-yuke!

Here on this cover are some of the most powerful symbols the Illuminati use to mark their territory! You have the Upskirting Eagle, the Pooping Scabbard, the Feline Licking the Back of a Head, the Wreath of Weapons, the Judgment of Batman, the Wrong Way Facing Shield, the Divided Breast, and the most mysterious of all of their symbols: the Upside Down Winged M! Truly, this is a feast for the eyes of our lizard kings and queens!

This issue begins with not only Superman being thoroughly confused but every single reader who had to wait a full month for the story to continue. Last issue, everybody was enjoying some after dinner mints out on the porch like people do in the Midwest (or upstate New York (or wherever the stupid Smith farm is now)) when some truly wacky stuff went down. The Trinity began to hallucinate a world within Clark's barn (probably because Jon planted some Black Mercies earlier that day). Now Superman, Wonder Woman, and Batman are trying to figure out what to do with the old man and young boy they're hallucinating, especially since the old man just dropped dead of a heart attack.

I know when I hallucinate other people, I just scream at them to fuck off. Also, I'm never quite sure if somebody I'm interacting with is real or a hallucination, so I scream fuck off just in case. I hope none of my neighbors are real.

Superman manages to do CPR on Pa Kent without turning his body into mashed potato farmer. Batman probably should have done the CPR but when has CPR ever struck fear in the hearts of criminals? Practically never! After coming back from the dead, Zombie Pa Kent recognizes Clark and the symbol on his chest and jumps to the conclusion that he's Alien Child Protective Services and he's come for his alien son. This must be a coded story about Illuminati history, right? Aliens and zombies and people with mysterious symbols on their chests! That must be the reason Francis Manapul is the only person working on this book! DC Comics didn't want to endanger the lives of multiple artists and writers by revealing the secrets of our mysterious lords and masters pulling our strings from behind the scenes!

Yeah, but is that really your father? If he's a hallucination, not your father. If he's from the past, not your father. I suppose he could be from the past of an alternate Earth, but at that point, things are getting too ridiculous to believe!

Superman begins to get all nostalgic and maudlin about his love for his father. It's the worst! So boring and in your face and braggy! "Look at me! I had a loving father! My family life was great and full of love and compassion and affection!" What a jerk! Some of us have lives more like Alice Cooper's song, "Lost in America," you dick!

Meanwhile in the real world that isn't some comic book aberration of time and space working as a plot device to tell a story about the love between a father and his son, Lois Lane and Jon Smith don't worry about Clark's disappearance. That usually happens when Batman comes to dinner. Also, it had better never ever happen again when Wonder Woman comes to dinner, that hussy.

Back in the time anomaly slash hallucination, young Clark Kent has run away thinking that aliens killed his father. While off hiding near Devil's Mouth Falls, so aptly named that I can feel the Illuminati breathing down the back of my neck, young Clark hears somebody whispering to him! It's probably just the sound of the water going over the falls and crashing to the ground which is why the place was named Devil's Mouth Falls! Because it sounds like somebody whispering temptations into your ear! Duh! It's just a natural phenomenon and not a supervillain at all!

Pa Kent quickly realizes the Trinity aren't trying to take his dumb kid away from him. In fact, they might be able to answer all of the questions he has about everything! They're probably angels! They're definitely not lizard people from another dimension! Don't be ridiculous!

Batman is in the bitch seat! Um, Wonder Woman is just in the perfect seat for Wonder Woman! An, um, place of honor next to the driver!

Superman is assuming they've gone back in time. I think they're all just lying in a puddle of each other's drool in the barn while Black Mercies grow up around them. If this is an actual time travel story, I will never read another issue! Although if it's another alternate Earth story, I'm fine with it! Because everybody knows time travel is ridiculous but other dimensions are totally the way things work! For sure! It's like practically proven already since some scientists were all, "The math works! I think!" Of course, the math works on lots of different ways in which a billiard shot can resolve but it only ever resolves the one way due to physical laws!, what was my point?

Batman whispers to Wonder Woman about how Clark is making every mistake he could possibly make in a time travel situation. Well, Batman is making every mistake he can make in trying to say something in a way in which a person with super-hearing can't hear him! Who's the super analytical one now, hunh Bruce?! It's me, motherfucker!

Pa Kent begins talking about walls in the way that Lois Lane was talking about walls last issue. They would have really gotten along well if Pa Kent hadn't died from some weird disease he caught in the Caribbean. Unless this Pa Kent died some other way. Maybe this one lived long enough to make it to the wedding! He certainly didn't die in a car crash on Prom Night! That was the other jerko Superman's dad! Why are there so many Pa Kents?! I'm so confused!

I guess when you become a parent, you begin to obsess over walls to keep your children safe. I think if I had a child, I'd obsess over steel cages in dark basements.

At Devil's Mouth Falls, Superman almost drowns because the water is full of Kryptonite. It's probably part of Mongul's trap! It must be Mongul, right? Who else would talk in purple and yellow speech bubbles? Although why would he need to talk to a hallucination brought on by the Black Mercies planted down at the Smith farm?

Anyway, Batman and Wonder Woman rescue Jon and Pa Kent rescues Superman and everybody hugs and spikes the ball and dances in the end zone and gets a personal foul for excessive (and probably early) celebration.

Back in the real world, Jon wanders out to the barn to find it encased in Black Mercies. He's also quickly overcome as the stranger who sold them to him appears. It's Poison Ivy! She's probably...well...I mean...what the fuck does she want with Clark Smith and his family?! She does mention that "he'll take care of" the Trinity in the dream, so that must be Mongul. Is he still stuck in the Phantom Zone and this is the only way he can get to Superman? I have no clue how he can attack them in their Black Mercy dream but that seems to be what's going on. And he must have hired Poison Ivy since who better to cultivate Black Mercy seeds for Earth?

The Ranking!
+1! The art is, as usual for Francis Manapul, spectacular. Is this a story we've seen before? Probably! How many times do we need to be told Superman had a huge gay crush on his father?! And how many times have Black Mercies been used to tell a story of emotional inner turmoil? And how many times have we read a story about a dumb boy accepting magic seeds from a stranger (usually not as sexy as this one, though!)? But putting them all together here, I'm enjoying it. Plus I would never think to criticize a comic book put out by The Illuminati!

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