Tuesday, November 1, 2016

Legends of Tomorrow #5

Who glances at the cover of a $7.99 comic book and exclaims, "What?! Sugar and Spike! I have to blow my paycheck on this!"

I just need to get through this issue as quickly as possible. These four full issue compilations are breaking me! It's too much to comment on at one time! I suppose I could do each issue separately but then I'd just get depressed seeing this comic book on top of my stack for days as I work through every story. Instead, it's just getting quick reviews of each issue. Hey DC Comics?! I have a good idea! How about keeping the page count of every comic you sell down around twelve! That way I can do these commentaries much quicker and Jim Lee will be telling the truth when he says he can finish the art on a full comic in one month!

That wasn't fair to Jim Lee. He is currently doing twenty-four pages of art per month since Suicide Squad is biweekly. But have you seen his art in those? It's worse than it usually is! So many scribbles on everybody's faces! And he really could use some practice drawing fat people. You know how people say fat is beautiful just to sound like a kind and caring person who obviously isn't in touch with reality, or at least the aesthetic senses of people in the 21st Century? You know it's not true because 99% of all comic book artists couldn't draw a fat person at gunpoint. I don't mean the fat person would be drawn with a gun to their head! I mean the artist, being threatened with a gun to their head, couldn't draw a fat person well. Because they have no interest in drawing fat people. Because nobody has any interest in looking at fat people while reading a comic book. Remember how good Dial H was? Remember how it was cancelled after only twelve issues even though it was one of the best New 52 books? It starred a fat guy. So all of you who didn't support it? Fat shaming assholes. Probably.

I'm going to change the subject before I hurt my own feelings some more and make myself cry. I don't want to get tears in my gallon of ice cream. Although that's probably a favorite hipster flavor: Bone Marrow and Tears Ice Cream.

The Firestorm Review!
In this issue, Ronnie almost tells Jason that he loves him. He comes as close as the high school quarterback can come without completely destroying his reputation, since everybody knows the high school quarterback can't be a huge poofster. Who would fuck all of the cheerleaders?! It's an alternate reality too inconceivable to ponder for long. Anyway, Ronnie tells Jason that he needs him because Stein is old enough to be his dad. In other words, Firestorming it up with an old man is disgusting and Ronnie just wishes he could merge with Jason again. That's the main story. In the side story, Multiplex has turned on his Quantum Field Generator which, for most writers, is just another excuse for adding dinosaurs and monsters to the script. Because everybody knows that "quantum" is another word for "magic" since no writer wants to really research quantum physics and no reader would be able to understand the story if the writer truly understood quantum physics anyway! So instead, it's just a buzzword to make a lot of cool chaos that will lead to the end of the world because obviously, duh!

The Rankings!
You know what? I don't really need to add this book to my rankings. It's a relic from an old DC Universe and doesn't deserve to be in my Rebirth rankings. Even if those rankings contain a bunch of books that aren't Rebirth books, like Scooby Apocalypse and The Sheriff of Babylon.

The Metamorpho Review!
Sapphire's betrayal of Metamorpho last issue came from that place where people with good intentions get manipulated by evil people into doing bad things because it will supposedly make the world better. But the Orb of Ra tells Sapphire she's an idiot and she thinks, "Oh, I'm an idiot!" So she changes her mind about taking the Orb of Ra to her father. But she doesn't change her mind fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! Now she's lost Rex's trust and he leaves her to die alone for some reason. While Sapphire waits to die, she sees Java has come to this world too. She decides to follow him so she can warn Rex. But she doesn't follow him fast enough! Isn't that always the way?! So instead of warning Rex, she doesn't warn Rex at all! Java shoots Rex with his Metamorpho Power Stealing Gun while everybody stands around shocked. It's like they don't know that this is the final cliffhanger of the story! That's always when things look the worst! Except for Sapphire's ass. It still looks really good.

The Sugar & Spike Review!
Spike tells the story about how he and Sugar got into the business of dealing with super heroes embarrassing problems cropping up from the past. By the end of the issue, they own the Museum of Super Hero Oddities. They even have some choice pieces to add to it!


The Metal Men Review!
The Metal Men have a bit of a dust up with the New Metal Men until the Metal Women get tired of their swinging dicks and put a stop to it. After that, Chemo shows up to destroy everybody! Also, Mother Machine decides she's tired of working from behind the scenes and unplugs herself so she can go do some real damage. She's a bit cocky. She may have been able to defeat The Blackhawks but the Metal Men are...well, they really aren't that much different, really. Kind of the same team make-up, y'know? She'll probably win. Mostly because Chemo should do the real work and kill about nine or ten of them before Mother Machine shows up.

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